WWYD? A gift that's over the top.

[party_of_seven]

My dd just turned 12. She has a friend who lives in a "rich" neighborhood. We are normal middle class people. The girls go to school together. Several of dd's friends brought her gifts for her b-day. We didn't have a party for her friends....just family. Well, this particular friends showed up at our house with her mom. DD went out to talk with them, and then they left before I got out to speak with and meet the mom. DD came back in and showed me that the friend brought her a card with a $50 bill in it.

Now, in my book that's excessive. It makes me uncomfortable. None of her other friends did anything so extravagant. Heck, even dd's grandparents don't go to such extremes. I normally spend about $100 on each of the kids for their birthdays. Grandparents and aunts and uncles normally bring a $20 gift or put $20 in a card. I even asked a good friend of mine who is quite wealthy, and she freaked out and thought it was crazy.

WWYD? Would you just let it go? Call the mom? Send it back? I don't want to be rude or be ungracious.

[WindyCityMom]

I'd let it go. It is likely a norm for them since they're upper class. I am middle class and wouldn't consider it absurd- it is actually a norm for our friends and family to give gifts of similar amounts. They're probably being nice. I would however have a talk with your DD and let her know not to brag about it or anything. Just explain that it was a very nice gift, and that it isn't something to be expected from everyone all the time.

[JL83]

I think that's higher than normal, but not excessive. We spend $20 on people we don't know very well (like other kids at daycare or playgroup) and between $30 and $40 on our good friend's kids. (we aim for $30 but if we find the right thing we'll go as high as $40).

If it was $100, I'd call that excessive.

[KristyDi]

I understand how that feels excessive. There was no situation (like a party) where there was an expectation of gift giving. I would assume they chose to give your dd a gift because they love her. I would be really hurt and embarrassed if someone returned any amount of $ I had given as a gift.

If you think it's too much for your dd to spend right now you could help guide her on spending it wisely or save some for later.

[ChocolateNummies]

I agree with the others. It's more than I budget for gifts but I can see how that could totally be the norm in other circles.

Your daughter could invite her friend out for lunch or a shopping expedition to spend the money together - your dd's treat. "Wow, this is enough for both of us to get ice cream together and buy matching shirts."

[Purple Cat]

I don't think it's excessive, and I would think they would NOT consider it excessive. Given their perception, I think they would feel hurt and uncomfortable if you called and returned it, etc.

In fact, having had friends with wide-ranging incomes, I've learned that it's simply part of learning to get alone and relate to people who different from you. I think the incident holds a lot of lessons for your daughter, in terms of empathy, discretion, etc.

[expecting-joy]

I say it was a very kind, generous gift. Teach your dd how to be gracious and spend her money wisely. She must be a very good friend.

I don't think it's excessive. We couldn't afford that, but that doesn't mean it's excessive.

[ctdoula]

I don't think it's really excessive. In fact, I would see it as very generous and a great opportunity to teach your dd how to graciously accept an unexpected gift. Have her write a nice thank you letter and move on.

[becoming]

We usually spend $40 or so on birthday gifts for the kids' close friends. It never crossed my mind that it would offend a parent or put them off. I think that price range is probably very normal for a lot of people. I would let it go.

[Linda on the move]

Unless you get the feeling that the gift comes with strings attached or the person is trying to manipulate you or your child, let it go.

Make sure your DD sends a thank you to her as well as to all the other who gave her gifts!

In our circle of friends $2o or $25 is the norm for a casual friend, more for a close friend.

[Dandelionkid]

Yikes- excessive to me! We spend between 15 and 20 on gifts. 50 seems like a lot but not much you can do about it.

[~Adorkable~]

i would take it at face value and assume it felt normal and good for them. maybe they understand they are lucky and want to share the happiness.

a good idea i thought of for spending at least a part of it, is encourage your DD to use it to do something with the friend that gave it. it will help both of them place value of being together and sharing activities rather than just material things.
maybe something like a fun lunch out or a day at the craft store and making something together.

either way, i really do feel that if you or DD have had good feeling about these folks before, this is good too. I know that i had and still have friends that are lower income than me, and with those that are close, i really enjoy treating them from time to time. it helps me really appreciate the money we are lucky to earn.

hope that helps

[Drummer's Wife]

I would let your DD spend it or save it - whichever she chooses. I don't think it's really over the top - especially given her friend's financial situation. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable about it, but I probably wouldn't make it a big deal with DD, b/c I wouldn't want her to feel weird about it. I might just say that it was really generous of so-and-so, she must have wanted you to use it for something special.

[mntnmom]

I would feel uncomfortable, but let it go. Just make sure she writes a nice "Thank you" note. Not something I usually do, but I think it would be good to make sure your DD realizes the gift is above and beyond.

[party_of_seven]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. DD is taking some nice thank you notes and little treats for all of her friends. We discussed how it was more than normal, but she shouldn't brag to any of her other friends.

DD and this girl have only known each other since the beginning of the school year. DD has never been to her house or done anything together outside of school. I guess that's why it makes me uncomfortable because in my book they are casual friends. It's not like they have been BFFs since kindergarten or anything.

I can see what all of you are saying...that $50 wouldn't be too much for a close special friend. DD's best friend in the whole world moved away to Canada 2 years ago. I took DD and her friend to build-a-bear and spent well over $100 and then went out for ice cream too. That friend had spent many afternoons at my house though, and we saw her every Sunday at church.....she was way more than a casual friend.

For now the money is put away to help pay for summer camp. There is a really good chance she won't need to use it for camp though because the girls at church do a huge fundraiser that normally covers everything. I told her that once camp is paid for she can do what she pleases, and suggested that her and her friend could go to the movies together or something fun like that.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. It is very appreciated!

[sapphire_chan]

If you wouldn't be offended by $5 from a family poorer than you, don't be offended by $50 from a richer family. And just as you wouldn't then give the poorer family $5, don't feel obligated to give the richer kid $50.

What would be fun if she doesn't end up needing the money for camp, would be to do a series of outings with the gift giver. Like going out for ice cream 6 or 7 times.

[lilyka]

I think it is excessive and would be really awkward for me if one friend in our circle was giving out $50 gifts of cash!

my concern is that perhaps the mom grabbed it thinking it was a five.....or a $10 or something.....I would calland check and just make sure that is what they meant to give her (although considering the responses given it sounds like this may be perfectly sane in some circles)

Originally Posted by ChocolateNummies

Your daughter could invite her friend out for lunch or a shopping expedition to spend the money together - your dd's treat. "Wow, this is enough for both of us to get ice cream together and buy matching shirts."

I think this is a brilliant idea though. how fun to be able to go have some fun with a friend "on me". and what a great way to take a cash gift and turn it into something really special.

[Fuamami]

I have a friend who is significantly richer than me, and from a different culture, and she has given cash or a check to me when my babies were born and to my kids for bdays. I would NEVER give a girlfriend cash. Maybe a gift card, but most likely just a gift. Anyway, just a different cultural norm, I assume, and I have never been offended. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, eh? It's not like she was flaunting it, right?

[mrspineau]

To them it obviously wasn't excessive, and in fact you may be missing some information on it. maybe the girl gets allowance and saved up some money to give a friend that was special to her a nice gift on her birthday, maybe the parents spend that on all friends, I mean who knows? I say let it go, and be gracious.

[Girlprof]

To me it seems excessive and bizarre for 12 year olds to be giving each other cash gifts at all. And that amount seems crazy high. On the other hand, it would be pretty awkward to give it back. I like the idea of the girls doing something together with the money - that is if your DD even likes this girl enough for that. But yes, the whole thing would make me really uncomfortable.