I'm a slob, feel unworthy

[FlyingGoddess]

I'm married to a man who is big on picking up around the house. And he has, over the past 8 years I've been a SAHM, judged me on what I do and don't do around the house. For most of that time, I tried to meet his standards, tried to have things picked up and dinner started by the time he got home from work (with the thoughts in my head, "Oh, oh! 'Dad' is coming home! I better hurry!") I would stand in the kitchen with very depressing feelings (almost ready to die, frankly) not knowing how to do it.

I would tell dh how hard it was for me. And he didn't understand, didn't think I was trying hard enough, didn't think I cared about anything. And he would tell me his mom managed just fine with 6 kids (we have 2).

I've felt like the biggest, incompetent, lazy failure over the years. And I'm (&*)*#%&^@#) sick of feeling this way!

Whenever I hear women complain about their dh's not doing anything around the house, I want to say, "SO WHAT! Enjoy it! Enjoy having control over your own home, getting to do it the way you want. Lucky you!"

Because I have wanted to be in control of my own home, for it to feel like it's my domain. It's my life, being at home, for the most part. I have wanted to feel the sense of simple accomplishments (you know, picking up the kitchen, or whatever). But I've had the pressure of needing to do it on dh's time and not mine. If I don't do it when he thinks it should be done, he swoops in and "saves the day"...picking up my "slack". I hate this pressure, this feeling of competition...so I end up not doing it half the time.

I am feeling very resentful that my sense of worthiness and value as a person is based on what I do around my house. I so badly just want to let things be messy if they are, and pick them up when I want to. But I don't have this freedom in my house.

I do have streaks of perfectionism in me. I love things to be very organized, everything to have a specific place according to its use and so forth. I think I love the process of things getting really messy, and then eventually organizing and putting them away to "perfection". But this isn't good enough/acceptable to dh.

I know if I lived in my own space, I would be quite competent, feel free, and in control. But here, I feel like a child, I feel paralyzed.

Dh and I have separate bedrooms. I told him to stay out of my room, I keep the door shut...because I wanted to have one area in the house that felt like mine, that he didn't mess with. Yet, when I'm out of the house, he goes in my room, makes my bed, puts the kids' clothes (which they end up tossing about) in a big pile. He just can't help himself. And it makes me feel like crap, all around.

Subconsciously, I refuse to let something like this determine my worth as a person. I refuse to be sucked into dh's judgement of me. So I would rather do very little and let him go into his intense suzy-homemaker mode, while I go off into my own little corner. Yet, this doesn't make me happy because I'm missing out on the stuff I mentioned above.

I don't plan on staying married to him (some woman out there will love how he is, I know that; he's a "good" guy--we're just not a match). This is one of two major issues. In the meantime, I want to not feel like I'm a loser here.

This is very deep-rooted. And I need help resolving this for myself, for my health, for my sanity. It makes me cry, it's so very hard.

I am just now admitting and accepting I'm a slob. This feels good, yet...there's so much more that needs to be dug up and healed.

Anyone been there and can 'help'?

Thanks so much.

[daisymama12]

First off, (((hugs))).
Second, I don't have the same experience as you have, but one thing I've learnt over the years, that gives me some peace, is to remind myself, almost like a mantra, that I only control myself. I can only set down my own boundaries, and then let go of the outcome.

In your case, that could mean many things. One example might be, I am going to establish rhythms and routines that work for me. I cannot control anyone's reaction to my routine.

Try to figure out what works for you. Cleaning is a sensitive issue for me, too.

[homewithtwinsmama]

First I would have a keyed lock put on "your" bedroom. My stuff is my stuff and my husband doesn't dare invade the few spaces in my house that are truly mine.

Frankly, I would just let him do what he wants to do. Focus on loving your kids, make sure they eat when they need to. Other than that, tell him to hire it out or do it himself.

[basje]

Oh honey, I've been there!

I've been there, I've been there.

First off I heard what you said about not planning on bring in your marriage forever. So I don't have to delicately dance around how harmful resentment is for relationships or how controlling his behavior is. You likely already know or maybe even just aren't the invested in putting energy into that dimension of the problem.

I do have a resource for you though, a huge help to me. It addresses the perfectionism, the guilt, the inner slob. Check out flylady.net, it is a huge resource, free and addresses the emotional stuff going on as well as the practical aspects of getting out of CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).

Your worth is not determined by how clean your bathroom floor is. And keep a house clean is more complicated than "just doing it." Know that you have my support!

[Purple Sage]

I understand how you feel. Do you think your husband feels secure and confident in his role in the family? I ask because when my dh starts to nitpick on my housekeeping, it's almost always because he isn't feeling like he's being a good husband/father/provider.

I'm not a perfect housekeeper - who is? - but I do a fairly good job. DH will inevitably find the couple of things that I didn't get around to doing (yet!) and huff and puff while he does it 'for me'. It wasn't until I realized that the times he did this coincided with times when he was feeling stressed out at work or with our finances (or some other personal issue of his own) that I was able to separate his behavior from ME.

One day I just laid it all out for him and told him that I take care of the house just fine, and if he didn't like it then he could feel free to do whatever he thinks needs doing, but he will not make me feel bad for not having it done already. I mean, if I really did 'nothing' all day like he made it seem, then he'd be in for a shock!

Anyway, sorry to go on about myself like that, but I just wanted to say that your husband's reaction to you is all about HIM. I agree with the advice to get a lock for your door, and Flylady is a great resource for taking baby steps toward keeping a better house. I use it and love it. She teaches how to let go of the perfectionism that actually causes us to not get things done.

Also, even if you start cleaning more, your husband will most likely still find things to complain about because his criticism of your housekeeping isn't really about you at all. Just keep that in mind and keep up your cleaning routine for yourself and for your kids. As hard as it is, just keep reminding yourself that you will never be able to satisfy him unless he is willing to accept that you are your own person and do things your own way.

I'm sorry you're going through this and good luck!

[FlyingGoddess]

Thanks for the responses so far.

I did Flylady years ago. She's great.

I don't have a cleaning routine. I don't want one. What I want is to feel like I'm a whole, complete, worthy person even if I don't pick up the house. I want to pick up because **I** want to. Not because someone else expects me to, or for me to avoid being looked down upon.

Dh is laid off so he's here all the time. Even when he had a job, he would still do this. I mean, the second he walks in the door, he's organizing the shoes, and then makes both beds in the house. He seems like a robot to me (an intense robot that is).
For him, housework trumps all emotions, all human experience. He's worthy, he's a good dad, a good husband, because of all he does around the house. His self-importance radiates from him. It doesn't matter if I feel like my space is invaded, that I feel like a child in my own house, because he *made the bed* in my room since I did not.

I do agree that it's dh's problem, not mine. He behaves just like his parents, his mom is the *same* way. I've had days where I did everything perfectly (which I've long given up on even bothering!), and if I didn't, for example, make dinner a few days later, it meant to him I *never* make dinner. Or if I feed the kids healthy stuff (they can eat as much and whenever they want), and they aren't hungry, dh will come home later, and the kids will say, "Papa, we're *starving*!" And he will be like, "Ohhhh, no one fed you?" And he'll make them a semi-healthy snack. The hero yet again saves the poor children from their incompetent mom. LOL

I know both he and I will be much happier living separately where we both can have our homes exactly the way we each want to.

I'm emotionally done w/ my marriage, he knows I am.

But I haven't moved out yet. I still have to figure out how to feel free, and worthy in this house. I have to figure out how to not be affected by *his* energy, his judgements of me, his intensity. Besides hiding out in my room (I'm taking 4 college classes right now), I don't know how to "be" in my own home.

[FlyingGoddess]

door lock

A good friend of mine suggested a door lock too.

I'm afraid to do this because I feel like in my house I don't have "rights" until I prove that I do enough around the house. It's messed up, I know.

Dh has told me in so many words that this is the case in his mind (such as him making my bed even though he knows I feel really bummed about him coming into my room).

I do believe that I must agree with him on some level, otherwise I wouldn't have spent so many years being hard on myself. And I wouldn't still be struggling with this now.

Thus, the reason for my request for help.

[wendyland]

I've always had a messy streak in me. My first husband was/is a neat freak. I even worked a full time job and he picked on me about the housework. He did do a lot of cleaning himself, but it was still hard to live with someone like that. I don't want to spend all my free time cleaning the house. He actually called me at work once because he was mad that I didn't clean the bottom part of the toilet where it's screwed in. I cleaned the rest of the toilet and sink, but he was mad about that part. We didn't stay married, but it was just because of the cleaning issues.

It was very liberating when I lived alone and could do what I wanted with the house. I'm actually much neater than I was when I was younger. Now, I'm married to someone that could care less about how clean the house is. I get on to him about cleaning up after himself.

I don't think you should feel bad about what you do (or don't do). It's his problem. You don't really sound like slob to me. I don't think a slob would feel that bad about being a slob. It's really hard keeping after two little kids all day and keeping a house clean. Half the week, I only have my 2 year old at home and it's amazing how much of a mess she can make it one day.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by FlyingGoddess

A good friend of mine suggested a door lock too.

I'm afraid to do this because I feel like in my house I don't have "rights" until I prove that I do enough around the house. It's messed up, I know.

Don't worry about it being messed up. Everybody's got "stuff".

Lock the door, anyway. You have the right to have your own space, that he has no involvement with, anyway, to yourself. I'd go nuts if someone were mucking around in my only space like that.

Dh has told me in so many words that this is the case in his mind (such as him making my bed even though he knows I feel really bummed about him coming into my room).

Yeah...your dh is a control freak, from the sounds of it. Honestly, nothing you've posted here says "good guy" to me at all. You don't just ride roughshod over the feelings of the other people in your living space, decide that your standards are the only ones that count, and invade someone's private space, if you're a "good guy".

I do believe that I must agree with him on some level, otherwise I wouldn't have spent so many years being hard on myself. And I wouldn't still be struggling with this now.

Thus, the reason for my request for help.

I have no help to offer, but I don't agree with him. Cleaning and housework are so much more complicated and emotional than they seem on the surface. You don't have to clean the rest of the house to his standards to be worthy of keeping your own room to your standards.

All I can really suggest is making your space your space. Lock it, and keep him out. There is no way you should have to put up with that. I don't care if he thinks he's doing you a favour or something. He's not. I, personally, don't even like having my bed made, and if someone else kept coming into my room to do it, I'd go quietly nuts. (If dh really insisted on making the bed, I'd probably be okay with it - but that's not my space. It's ours.)

[wildmama]

I think that feeling "whole" in this home environment may not be a realistic goal. It sounds like your husband has some VERY strong energy where this issue is concerned, and in fact, it is his house too, so to aim for achieving a sense of ownership and comfort in this place where it is not truly just yours, is a pretty tall order. It might be possible with a lot of work and a lot of breaking down and building back up of yourself, but in the end, that's only going to teach you how to live with a man you don't plan to live with in the long run, so is it really a worthwhile focus? It's not that you are a slob and your husband is reacting to it. To me, it seems like it is your husbands issues making you feel like a slob.

Personally, I am a bad housekeeper. A really bad housekeeper. But it is the honest truth that I have other goals, i.e. spending time with my kids, making them healthy food, maintaining my own sanity, etc., and sometimes these things are at odds with the degree of mess in the house, but usually not. It is usually just my getting hung up on my perceived ineptitude at keeping house. I guess what I am saying is that I might be a slob by choice. Do you feel any of that? I also like the perfect organizing project now and then, but as an exercise, certainly not a routine.

[Kailey's mom]

Have you told your dh how much this hurts you? Wow, If I were in a similar situation, My first instinct would be to rebel and leave the house trashed. How dare someone treat me like that ya know. SAHM does NOT equal housekeeper, and a SAHM is not a secondary being in the home. You work just as hard, if not harder, as your husband. Whatever is left to be done when he gets home should be shared work. Does he have "old fashioned" values, the whole barefoot pregnant wife, dinner on the table at 5 attitude?

[FlyingGoddess]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Have you told your dh how much this hurts you? Wow, If I were in a similar situation, My first instinct would be to rebel and leave the house trashed. How dare someone treat me like that ya know.

Well, for years, I think I did this subconsciously...simply being incapable of fully doing the chores. I'm sure my subconscious protected my integrity. All the while, though, I was borderline suicidal.

And *now*...pretty much. I just let him deal with stuff. If I'm inclined to do it, I'll do it. Otherwise, meh. (All the while, feeling guilty as hell.)

I'm not the poster dream mom either (loving, but not all that interactive as far as on-the-floor playing). So my household has been a source of my feeling like a big ol failure. One of the best things I did was get an every-other-weekend job in May. There, I get to experience myself as an outgoing, friendly, fun, warm, competent, people-person.

It's the psychological stuff I am dealing with. And that is basically feeling like I have to meet others' standards, have others' approval. Dh pretty much took over my parents' role, in making feel like I'm not quite up to par, and that who I am isn't okay.

I'm trying to shed this. I'm finally unwilling to change for anyone. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

I would be gone in a heartbeat if it weren't for the kids. Before I was going to stay til the kids moved out (14 more years!), but HELL NO. I'm working on finding a way, and soon.

You guys are helping me with this process. I love reading you bad-a*s mama's posts. I need all the bad-a*s energy I can get.

[Bokonon]

Wait - he's unemployed, while you are taking 4 classes and taking care of the kids and the home? And he's complaining that it's not good enough? What is he doing all day long?

[Starflower]

I think your latest post of how your husband took over where your parents left off is an excellent observation.

I hope you can find a way to get out of there ASAP. I would also recommend counseling/therapy to help you deal with all this. You are a worthy person and you deserve to be treated with respect.

This situation sounds like it's about way more than housework. Your DH sounds very controlling and belittling. I would call it emotional abuse.

[chimomma]

Detach your identity from him and housework

I'm sorry you are going through this situation. I don't know how much this will help you, but this is what I personal would do in your situation. If your DH is laid off and at home all the time, and you are in school and watching the kids. I would just pretty much stop assuming the role of house cleaner and only clean what you want when you feel like it, then let DH take care of the rest. Don't let yourself feel bad for not doing it. Your being is not and should not be soley about cleaning the house. You have a lot of good things going on for yourself, you have to know that. You are so much more than how your house looks. Don't let DH or any one else make you feel bad if it doesn't look perfect. If he tries to bring you down because he felt you are not doing the house work right, just explain to him that you are a mother and a student and an itelligent, wonderful person that has a lot to offer other than housework. So if he just wants you for the housekeeping, tell him to go get a job and pay a house keeper! (don't really say that...lol. But think it)

I used to face a similar situation with cooking. My husband is picky and only likes really good tasting food, not simple kinds of food. He is also from a different country so I cannot always make his type of food to his standard and he doesn't like to eat american food. So it was always such an issue, I cook something special for him and he wouldn't eat it at all because it didn't turnout right according to him, or I didn't feel like making something fancy so he had nothing to eat. Now he finally just told me that if I don't feel like cooking tell him and he will get take out. Some people might feel bad at that, or like a failure for that, but not me. I am so done with feeling like that. So now I am serious, I cook simple meals for the children and I but if I don't want to cook for him, I don't. And you know what, I am also not that good at keeping the house in order. Once a more lucrative business deal goes through for us, I am getting a housekeeper!

Yes, I am a SAHM, but I am more than a clean house and a good meal. Even if I don't provide these things in a perfect manner or on a regualr basis, I am still a worthy individual. I KNOW I have a lot going for me. If some one else doesn't see that in me, that is his loss. So many SAHM wrap their whole idenity in their household and feel the only thing they can pride themselves on is there house keeping and cooking skills. If they got it, more power to them, but for those of us who don't, you know we got it going on in some other areas of our life and we are not less because of it.

I know you are not feeling like this now, but girl, you might not have to leave him, but you do have to stand up to him. You have to do whatever it takes for you to feel good about yourself regaurdless of how he feels. And know that really, this is not about him, it is about you. You have to find that place where you have confidence that is not dependant on what he thinks about you. Even if you get out of this relationship, there is nothing saying you would not find yourself in the same situation, with a man who you depend on for your self worth.

[honey-lilac]

Take this with a grain of salt; this is MY situation not yours but I thought it relates.

My husband has been unemployed for some years, sending his self-esteem down the drain. He is now able to take some classes but is VERY stressed with not having a job and he is fixated on it. Since we got into the relationship, I've been working or pregnant (too sick to work) or taking care of infants. Now I'm a SAHM which is the long-term plan. That's fine. I keep the house in decent shape. I keep it uncluttered and the beds are made and stuff, but I don't fret the small stuff - like I realize the kitchen is going to be dirty after two 2-year olds are helping me cook or are eating. I sweep up about three times a day but I don't spend my day obsessively cleaning up everything, it would be impossible. And frankly I could care less.

DH complains, complains, complains. About how "filthy" our house is. (It's not. I promise you, it's not filthy.) About how HIS mom kept their house immaculate, staying up until all hours of the night to dust blinds. Now, I don't know if that's the case or not, because she's now sick and disabled and obviously can't do the same amount of work anymore, but the lady was also cheating on his father with a number of guys, drinking, putting them in compromising situations, abusing him... so whether or not she kept the house immaculate is a moot point in my eyes.

Anyway without getting TOO far off point (I think I have already, oops) I keep the house at the level where I'm comfortable at. I tell him that if he wants things cleaner, he's welcome to do it. The few times he did it, he was SHOCKED that "everything was dirty again 5 minutes after he cleaned it" - well surprise! Toddlers!! And now he just refuses to do anything. But he still complains about what *I* don't do. Whatever. For the first few years I really got down on myself, thinking that I just couldn't do things right, that the fault was with me - but after I stopped caring, I realized that it wasn't me. It was him. Cliche but true. The lower HIS self-esteem got the lower he tried to get mine. I was "succeeding" pretty well at my job - being a SAHM, working bits on the side, etc - but he wanted to even out the playing field since he was failing at even having a job. Since he knew that basically being called filthy hurt me, he did it. Do I think he did it on purpose - no, I don't. I think he's a better guy than that. But I think he just wanted to put us on the same level in a way, to bring me down. He sounds like a huge jerk the way I just wrote this all down, but that's not my point. The point is when I stopped taking his comments personally (after I figured out what was REALLY going on to make him say these things) it's a lot less hurtful. It still bugs me that he says nasty things like that, but the sting is gone. And now that it's not bringing out a reaction in me, we don't even argue about it. He makes comments to himself and I ignore them and go on with my day. Healthy dynamic - perhaps not - but at least my mental state and self-confidence is protected.

(No flames please, I was just sharing.)

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Kaleanani

DH complains, complains, complains. About how "filthy" our house is. (It's not. I promise you, it's not filthy.) About how HIS mom kept their house immaculate, staying up until all hours of the night to dust blinds. Now, I don't know if that's the case or not, because she's now sick and disabled and obviously can't do the same amount of work anymore, but the lady was also cheating on his father with a number of guys, drinking, putting them in compromising situations, abusing him... so whether or not she kept the house immaculate is a moot point in my eyes.

FWIW, my maternal grandmother also kept her house immaculate. She stayed up all night to clean, wash windows, do dishes, dust, etc. etc. She never got enough sleep. She wasn't drinking or cheating (she'd be absolutely horrified had anyone suggested such a thing, and felt strongly morally superior to women who actually enjoyed sex - grandma's picture was beside "prude" in the dictionary, yk?) or anything like that. Her bakeware was as shiny as brand new after 10 years...and paper thin from scrubbing.

And...my mom hated it so much that she quite deliberately became a very lax housekeeper when she moved out. She avoided being home as much as possible, because she hated that house. My dad had similar issues, after growing up with a dad who was hung up about the house being immaculate. I grew up in an overcluttered, very messy (not dirty, but messy) house. I'm trying to find my way back to center now.

It's probably too late for ds1 to absorb a reasonable idea of what a house should look like (our house when he was little was chaotic, and occasionally filthy...[/i]lots[/i] of crap going on then), but I have hopes that dd1, ds2 and dd2 will finally have a reasonable grasp of housekeeping...three generations after grandma (and grandpa on the other side, to some extent...but the house was definitely the woman's job when I was growing up) skewed everyone's idea of keeping a home.

Oh - and grandma also had triple bypass surgery when she was in her early 50s (if anyone's interested, she was skinny as a rail). She ended up in a nursing home for a few years, then in an assisted living facility, and died of her various stress-induced health conditions at 72. My "slob" of a mom is still going strong at 66...no health problems, whatsoever. There's more to life than an immaculate house, and, imo, the only rational reason for keeping one that way is because it brings you joy, clarity, peace of mind, etc.

[nonnymommy]

Originally Posted by Purple Sage

As hard as it is, just keep reminding yourself that you will never be able to satisfy him unless he is willing to accept that you are your own person and do things your own way.

I love this and I agree! This is so applicable to my situation right now that I've copied it and am going to put it on my bathroom mirror.

[FlyingGoddess]

Originally Posted by Bokonon

Wait - he's unemployed, while you are taking 4 classes and taking care of the kids and the home? And he's complaining that it's not good enough? What is he doing all day long?

He cleans the house, takes four night classes, fixes food for the kids, and runs all the errands.

Really, he's the queen homemaker next to me. I so wish for it to be my home, for me to manage. But then I'd have to work faster than him, get to the messes before him...I have tried this before, but I can only maintain this for a very short time before I feel drained, and just not myself.

So a lot of times when I do homemaker stuff, it either feels like a competition w/ dh, or I'm doing it so he doesn't get disappointed in me. I'm unsure how to avoid this. And get to what Storm Bride said:

"There's more to life than an immaculate house, and, imo, the only rational reason for keeping one that way is because it brings you joy, clarity, peace of mind, etc. "

THIS is what I want. I want to do it (clean, or not clean) FOR ME. I seriously have to remind myself daily that there are plenty of people that don't even worry about having a messy house...like it's not high on their priorities...because with dh I feel like it means *everything* to be able to have a picked up home. And until I do this, I'm not good enough. Really, it's not that HARD to do (he doesn't care about scrub cleaning, just picking up, washing dishes, doing laundry, and cooking). But the idea that whether I do housework often enough defines me as a PERSON to dh, makes me not want to do it anymore--it's B.S. KWIM?

Plus, there is other stuff that has priority for me. Like, right now, studying for my classes. That comes first before the toys all over the living room. Or communicating with friends, which helps me so much emotionally--way more imporant than dishes to me. Etc. (Yes, wildmama)

[alinajoy]

I am dealing with a similar issue :-(

Unemployed hubby who tells me how much I suck at various household responsibilities. I am working two jobs to attempt to pay our bills and he is home with our 3 yr old DD. He says he isn't my maid and shouldn't have to help with my dishes, laundry or pick up after me.

He has told me he regularly thinks about leaving me because I don't tidy the house to his standards and on his timetable.

It's hard. Really hard.