I never thought anyone would say this to ME...(long)

[welsh]

maybe DS needs more attention!
Background: DS is nearly 30 months. Very bright, social, verbal beyond all his peers, imaginative, always been high needs, can be clingy, very affectionate - loves to hug and kiss everyone. Always been gentle, one of the moms at playgroup used to say, 'He's a lover not a fighter!'
I am 19 wks pg with #2.

DS attends a Montessori programme 3 mornings a week. The toddler group is very small. On average 6 children + 2 teachers. It is very calm and nurturing. He'll resist going but seems to love it when he's there and is the main participant in alot of the activities. The teachers have commented that it is always DS who answers their questions first, wants to follow instructions etc.

Last week, on Monday, at pick-up I was told that DS had been pushing and hair-pulling another boy. Not just once. And not just the one boy.
I was suprised. Not happy obviously. The teacher said it was probably just an off day.
We went home and talked it over with Daddy too. Discussed being gentle, kind to other children etc. DS laughed it off initially but seemed to 'get it' eventually.

Wednesday session at school he was fine.
We had playgroup at our house in the afternoon (too much activity/people for one day, in hindsight) and he was awful to the children who came. Grabbing his toys off them, pushing and hair-pulling children who were being quiet and just playing. Each time I would encourage him to share, distract etc etc
At one point, he was particularly rough and I asked him to apologise. He refused. So I sent DS upstairs to DH to cool down and told him he could come down when he was ready to say sorry to this particular boy. DH said DS was really upset, crying and wanted to say sorry.
He came down and was standing next this boy, desperately trying to say sorry. The boy was too busy talking to his Mum about wanting more snacks!! Anyway....

Friday Montessori session.
More pushing!!!
DH and I repeated the talk about 'gentle with our friends' but decided there needed to be a consequence.
DS likes to watch either a Little Einsteins or Diego DVD before dinner so we said no tv. Heartbroken! He was really upset as we explained why there was no tv that day.

We spent all weekend as a family. DS got lots of exercise at a play area on Saturday and we all laughed a lot. On Sunday we played in the snow for ages which he really enjoyed.

This morning, we talked before school. I said, 'What are we going to be?' and we both said, 'Gentle!'
The teacher said he was fine except for one incident. A new girl was getting some attention from the teachers and DS just stood up and pushed her!
They asked me if we talk about the new baby alot at home. We don't actually. We've talked it through a few times but it probably only gets mentioned infront of DS a couple of times a week. For no reason other than we're busy!

So what's going on? Is this normal behaviour? Am I going wrong somewhere?
I feel like we're very attached, DS gets lots of physical affection from us both, he sleeps well (doesn't nap everyday though), eats well.

Please help me understand!!!!!!



Friday - Same as Monday. Pushing

[ewe+lamb]

Sounds fairly normal behaviour to me, which will pass but takes time! Probably not what you want to hear!! Our ds was a biter - which was absolutely awful, but it takes all sorts, biters, pushers, pinchers, hitters etc I think you're explaining things fine and it will get through to him its just sometimes our instincts are stronger than the other thoughts of 'should I really do this'! he might not like others getting the attention but at some point this is going to happen and it just takes time adjusting to different situations, and will also happen when the baby arrives, maybe think about getting him some books on babies, where they come from, finding a place in the family - all the things that are important to little ones. I'm sure you'll get through this just fine!!

[mntnmom]

sounds pretty normal. People talk about terrible twos, but I always had more trouble as mine approached 3. Continue explaining, work on teaching better solutions. It sounds like you're doing pretty well to me.

[ambersrose]

Children's personalities can change rapidly at this age. My oldest daughter became very difficult right around three. It is an age of testing the limits which were established in the toddler stage. I dont think it has anything to do with attachment.

[SunshineJ]

When DS was 2 I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about with the "terrible 2's". He was an angel. Then he hit 3 and holy moly I didn't recognize this kid! It was about 6 months of pure hell then slowly things started to get better again. Yes, I'd say it's the age, do the best you can, and don't take it as a personal reflection on your parenting skills.

[sapphire_chan]

Yes, 2.5 is a typical time for a pushing stage. I'm surprised you aren't also seeing him yanking toys and hitting to get toys and trying to hold all of the toys so he's sure to have them. It's the "if that person's using it, maybe I won't be able to play with it when I want it" and "if someone else touches my toy, is it still my toy??" stage.

It's a lousy time for playgroups on his own territory. At school, they can emphasize that the materials belong to the school and that they'll make sure that everyone will have a chance, by the way, how about these blocks??

I'm astounded that the school was surprised.

And it's not the baby coming, we visited a little boy who acted the same way towards Lina and his parents weren't even thinking of another kid yet. ( And I felt so bad for his mom because he *started* the phase when we came over so she saw her sweet little baby start hitting a smaller baby right as she got to meet another MDCer.)

[nextcommercial]

It's fairly normal. That doesn't mean it's acceptable though.

If you don't feel good, or you are more tired, he might actually be acting up because he knows you aren't "normal". It bothers kids when mom is sick. They aren't being selfish, it just feels uneasy.

He's two. You are pregnant, he's acting normal. In the long run, this doesn't mean it's his personality. It just means he's acting out right now. People say "Oh, he's jealous of the new baby". But, more than likely he's just picking up on the changes that you are feeling.

Hang in there. Reassure the teachers that you ARE working on this, and you don't think it's OK for him to be agressive. Try to head off problems before they start. (like overstimulation) and just give it some time. "This too shall pass". Just in time for the next stage.

[One_Girl]

Have you asked him why he is pushing people? I know you want to get the message out that it is not okay to be violent, but you should also ask him why he is doing it. My dd went through a short biting phase when she was this age and when I asked her why she was doing it I found out that she thought that the little girl she was biting had stolen her dress. It was easy to help her through her anger towards this little girl after that and her biting phase stopped. If I had just done all the talking I wouldn't have found out that she was angry and needed more information about store bought dresses and working through her anger appropriately.

[VisionaryMom]

I agree that it's normal. One thing I will say, though, is that I don't think taking away a DVD in the evening for a behavior that happened in the morning is going to be helpful. He's only 2, and he probably doesn't really understand why. He can't connect something that happened 8 hours ago with what you're doing now.

I've always viewed preschool issues as something that the teacher needs to handle. I will talk to DC about problems, but really I cannot do anything hours after the fact for a 3-year-old.

[Freud]

Maybe he's having some feelings about the new baby and is taking it out on kids at school. Maybe have more open conversations about his thoughts about the baby coming.

[NellieKatz]

My guy did that at preschool. Eventually I figured out that he hated preschool. He hated being away all day; who could blame him. I took him out.

He's a homeschooler now but when he's in classes occasionally, he behaves just fine. He's older, more able to cope and verbalize, and it's not for so long. I think when he was little he just didn't get it, why he had to be at this place for hours on end. Also the other kids weren't as verbal and so he'd try and befriend them and they'd ignore him or whatever; he'd get frustrated with them and unfortunately lashing out physically was how he coped, no matter how many discussions we had, no matter how much prevention the teachers tried....he just couldn't control the impulse when his emotions got the better of him.

[welsh]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond.
Things are much better the past few days but I am doing better with accepting that it's normal, but obviously not acceptable, behaviour.
We are going to keep working on talking through issues that arise, reinforcing postive behaviour and lots of love!