Any other parents committed to "intergenerational" socializing?

[carfreemama]

Just wondering, since we got an invitation to an "adults only, hire-a-babysitter" Valentine party this weekend.

We (so far) have only one dd, a very sociable almost-6-yo. Just instinctively, I've always wanted to include her in our lives as much as possible. It's not that I think adults-only events are wrong, or that dh and I never want/take time just to be with each other. I also schedule time to nurture my female friendships and sometimes this does mean conversations/coffee just ourselves. However, in general we have preferred to gear our social lives towards everyone included types of things. For example, a good friend's little boy and I share the same birthday; so we had a joint celebration, complete with dancing. There were people of all ages and it was great! We are also part of a "family disco" community who holds all-ages dances in each others' homes every month or so in the afternoons on weekends, so everyone can come. I've also always searched for exercise opportunities where I can include dd, rather than drop her off in a gym daycare setting. So we do things like family yoga. But at this age, I'm finding it's not that easy to find things we can all do together. It's like the assumption is I would want to have some "time away" from dd to do my own thing.

I'm finding mixed responses to this from friends. In general, I think we have a great social life and I am more and more committed to this model. But when I declined the Valentine's invite, I got a very condescending reply that I need to "start making time for me and dh and dd needs to know dh and I are adults..." Another time, a friend with young kids was having a party and when asked, said "oh no, just for adults. We'll have a party for shut-ins another time."

Anyone else?

[Apple Girl]

I'm with you, except my boys are 1.5 and 3.5 years old. I love spending time with them, and honestly don't have very much fun at the "adult only" type parties. I go plenty of places without them (work, for example), and in my rare free time, I don't really feel the need to pretend they're not the most important people in my life. I hardly consider myself a shut-in, as we go all kinds of fun places. I just tend to enjoy being with my kids.

I get the snide remarks too, and usually either ignore them or reply with some kind of quip that lightens the mood but lets them know they're off base. I honestly don't get why people are offended by this. It's not like I'm traipsing around fancy restaurants with a pair of toddlers... we don't have the money or inclination for that anyway... I think maybe people make choices and then get defensive about whether they're making the right choice, so they feel the need to pick on others who don't do that.

[AutumnW]

I'm the same way. DH and DS are my best friends why would I want to exclude one of them from a good time just because they haven't been alive the necessary amount of years required by a hostess? I have noticed that most women who don't want their children at social events have children who don't assimilate well into them as a result. Then when they do try to include them they drive their mama crazy as she runs around after them trying to get them to act like everyone else. I think that it is a great disservice to children to not allow them to interact with older generations and allow them to learn from them.

My sister had a bunch of us go out to dinner with her and her dh recently for her birthday. I didn't think anything of bringing ds and thought her children would be there as well. Well we got there and ds was the only child. After dinner all of the talk was of everyone's children and how well behaved ds was, how wild everyone else's children are etc.

Now dh and I do have date nights where ds gets to play at his grandparents for a couple of hours while dh and I go to dinner, a movie, etc. But, there are also times when dh or I will spend time with just ds as well so we all three get one on one time with each other.

[mamadelbosque]

Maybe its because I'm a SAHM, but I relish the time I have away from my boys. I love them to death, but having some time occasionally without them is great. DH & I went out last night for the first time since DS2 was born w/o either one and it was super nice. It doesn't happen very often, but if we were invited to an 'adults only' party and I had someone who would watch my boys, I'd totally go. Socializing with other moms & dads w/ kids is nice, yes, but its also nice to socialize with other adults *WITHOUT* the kids!!

Its not something we do every week or, hell, even every month. But every once in a while its GREAT to get away and just focus on US!!

[Norasmomma]

Well I'm all for being with my children as much as possible, BUT I personally wouldn't mind having an invite to an adults only function. It's nice to feel like a grown-up and not have to worry what my very active DD is getting into. Sometimes I just feel like being "me" and not mommy.

Now a few years back I was invited to a family wedding, I mean it was all inclusive and my friend who also had a baby at the time asked if we were bringing DD, I said "of course", she was like "hmmm, well I got a sitter, I need some time without my son". I didn't really get it, I still don't. It wasn't an adult only party it was a family wedding, but whatever, it's her deal. She always asks me if I'm bringing my kids and usually we do.

I guess I just wouldn't be bothered by that kind of invite, my life isn't just my children. It is a very large portion, but not all.

[carfreemama]

It's nice to know we're not alone! I also totally get where we're privileged in some ways, especially because, like a pp, dd has grandparents she stays with when dh and I do go out together. We've let her lead the way there, though, when possible; she asks to visit/sleep over, or if we want to go out she's never unhappy to go. But since we've fostered relationships with dd's friends' families as a whole, she also does "movie nights" at their houses once in a while and it still feels like she's with family. I've been reading a lot of "Hold on to Your Kids" recently and just saw one of the authors speak, so it's reinforced my committment in this area.

I DO love my time alone with other adults, just not often away from dd; as in we all go somewhere and she's running around, interacting with us and then going off with the other kids. I'm really interested in building community and friendships with all ages and just not all that inclined to separate our "adult" social life and dd's "kid" social life. I'm really enjoying myself! But I get the impression that people think there's something off about this. FTR, I WAH full time. Dd is in school, but she comes home for lunch and I pick her up at 3 p.m., so she's with me a lot. For Valentine's, for example, when we declined the "adults only" party, we made plans with our neighbours for a special valentine dinner with them and their kids. Now everyone's excited!

FWIW, I wasn't bothered by the adults-only invitation, just the response when I declined. I thought I was polite, but she was offended. She's not a really close friend and, ironically, she invited us at our last family disco.

[betsyj]

FWIW, I wasn't bothered by the adults-only invitation, just the response when I declined. I thought I was polite, but she was offended.

I think some people have a hard time seeing that it isn't that I choose to not hang out with them, only that I choose to hang out with my son and right now it is mutually exclusive. It is an important difference and it won't ALWAYS be that way. When he is older and able to go to sleep at night without us we will probably accept more of those types of invites (but being honest not many more since we don't like to leave him).

We were just invited to a commitment ceremony four hours from our home that said "adults only." I of course immediately declined the invite. There was absolutely no hard feelings on my part-they are free to invite whomever they choose.

I got an email a few days later and the couple told me I was welcome to bring my son (another friend with a babe in arms was also sent the same email).

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I've always wanted to include her in our lives as much as possible. It's not that I think adults-only events are wrong, or that dh and I never want/take time just to be with each other. I also schedule time to nurture my female friendships and sometimes this does mean conversations/coffee just ourselves. ...

I'm finding mixed responses to this from friends

I think you are sending out mixed messages.

I think it is VERY important to try to figure out how to take time for ourselves and time for our primary relationship while raising our kids. I love mixed age things, but one of the best things we can do for our children is model heathy relationships, esp with our life partner.

As our kids get older, it becomes important to them to be able socialize without us sometimes. It's the natural order of things.

Not every event needs to include all ages. If you want to decline an invitation for any reason, it's always OK to do so. But in future, rather than telling the hostess how you think she *should* have planned the event, just be polite and tell her "thank you so much for including us. I'm so sorry we won't be able to be there."

I love mixed age events. We went to a great super bowl part yesterday with people from 2 to 60! But not everything has to be that way.

[carfreemama]

I didn't tell the hostess why we weren't coming. I would never do that! She simply volunteered her opinion that we should go out more often without dd and how she thought it was damaging in some way that we weren't. I just didn't feel particularly inclined to hire a babysitter, when I knew we could do something fun for valentine's as a family.

I guess I should phrase this in more positive terms. I do believe it's important for dh and I to have some time together alone and we do. Maybe not as much as other families need or want; but more than we used to, gradually. Really, though, I'm excited about what we ARE building around community with people of different ages, no need to exclude the kids and wondered if other families were trying to do this, too. From what I can gather, we actually have a more active social life than lots of people we know who do hire babysitters frequently. I just don't think the automatic separation between kids and adults is all that healthy, or the only way to get our needs for adult interaction met! As dd gets older, of course we will spend more time socializing away from her. She'll start to want to spend time with her friends on her own, I'm assuming and I don't think we'll feel the need to hang on. Then we'll be happy to go out on our own; though we'll miss her and will likely continue some of the friendships with the other families...and any of the little ones they have around them.

[VisionaryMom]

Most of what we do is inter-generational, but I appreciate some adults-only events. Our friends tend to be communal-types when it comes to parenting, which is great, but for some reason, DH and I attract *everyone's* kids (funny b/c DS just told me I was "boring."). So we've ended up at places sitting with 6 other children. Most of the time that's fine, but sometimes...

I've actually found that we do a lot with only other parents of small children because others are just at a different place in their lives. They don't like the interruptions or to include children, so we tend to have only other parents at things. I wish it weren't like that, but it makes everyone happier.

I'm curious, though, about exercise. I get family yoga, and we yoga together. How do you do other exercise with your daughter, though? I don't think I could work out with DC and get a lot out of the workout. I don't belong to a gym but tend to do cardio while they're sleeping.

[Alyantavid]

We do alot of kid/adult stuff with our friends. It just seems pretty normal to us. But we do also get out sometimes without the kids and that's fun too.

My mil is the only one who ever comments. She's always asking the boys to come spend the night with her because we "need" a night out by ourselves.

[carfreemama]

BrandiRhoades, as far as exercising, dh is a dj and has his turntables at home. We do a lot of dancing and I do cardio and weights to that in the living room. I gave up on my beloved gym membership when I had dd, I admit. But this is just as fun, for now. I had a proud moment when dd took the axle off a little car and used it as a dumbbell in a playmobil character's hand. She said "this is you mommy."

Otherwise, we walk a lot together and we have been with dd since a very young age. I did buy a very expensive running stroller, because I used to be a long-distance runner and had visions of running with dd. But as it turns out, she HATED being in that thing!

We started a Tae Kwan Do (sp?) class we can do together, though I had to ask the instructor. But right now I'm just too tired. I plan to start that again with dd in the summer and continue that long-term. The instructor there is very good with dealing with all ages and dd knows she has to listen to the instructor. But she's turning 6. I don't think this would have worked more than a year ago and the instructor seems to think so, too, since the class is for 6-9 year olds.

She's also swimming now, so someday we will be able to swim together.

I've had to really dig around here to find things we can do together and a lot depends on the skill and willingness of the instructor. The family yoga teacher, for example, is so good at engaging the kids that I really do get to concentrate on my own workout. Same with the martial arts. Lots of other things haven't worked out so well.

[kalirush]

I think it sucks that other people feel like they get to have opinions about what you do with those sorts of things. Not their business, you know?

For us, we almost never get to go to things sans kids, because we have precisely one person in our lives who can watch our kids (and this is a recent development). And she's not family, so we try not to push it. In general, though, we also are all for having the kids really involved in our lives and doing things with us, but man, I would be happy to get more adult-only time with my husband. I especially have fantasies of one day being able to attend the *very* adults-only Lupercalia party that some friends of ours in NYC throw every year. But, oh, the interstate travel and child care.

[AFWife]

That's the way my parents were when my brother and I were growing up. Yes, they did some things with other adults (my dad went fishing or my mom would go shopping) but, for the most part, they included us. I actually remember doing a playdate and getting bored hanging with the kids...so I went to sit with the adults. One of the other parents stopped the convo and said, "Shouldn't you be outside with the other kids??" ( or something like that) I remember being confused and a bit hurt.

[One_Girl]

I love going out on occassion without my dd. It gives both of us time to interact with new people. I think it is also fun to include my dd in most things I do, but quite frankly I plan my life around her and spend all my free time with her. Right now I am staying at home with her and sometimes I want a break. I think it is strange that the hostess commented like she did. Is she a close friend? If so then she may be seeing you as drained or stressed out and in need of a break. It may be that she commented in a friendly way to be helpful rather than to criticize and make you defensive.

[hrsmom]

I'm with you! And there are plenty of ways to find balance in one's life other than getting a sitter and attending an adults-only party, if that is not something they want to do.

[carfreemama]

No, this woman is not a close friend. She's a friend; i.e., more than an acquaintance; but she's the gf of a fairly close friend, whose dd is very close to mine. She's at a very different stage in her life; kids teenage to twenties, recently divorced, newly in relationship with my other friend. She feels it's "her turn" to party. Fair enough. I've never commented on her lifestyle, so WTH? I don't know if she sees me as drained. The thing is, I'm really happy. I feel blessed with the people in our lives and the connections we're creating. And I can't tell you the number of parents who get excited about the family dance parties, where they are actually welcome to bring their kids. It seems to be breaking down isolation among parents, which is the point. And I really do make time for friends without kids, where that's necessary. I just said yes to a coffee date on Friday morning without dd, even though it will mean catching up on work well into the night. If this other woman who invited us to the party WAS a close friend, I'd probably have tried to do something like that; declined the invitation, but found time to see her on another occasion that might be appealing to her. But I really don't like her attitude toward me on this.

[cparkly]

I don't enjoy doing things without my DS, so I very, very rarely do.

I have a few friends that make snide remarks about how I am overly attached, that the umbilical cord is still attached, etc. They think that since
I do not work outside the home I must need a break.

I feel like the time for all of that will come. My DS is only 20-months old. He is still a baby and I truly enjoy being with him.

My DP and I spend time together snuggling, listening to radio shows, reading together, watching movies, playing games, and just being together after our child is asleep in our family bed.

We have been on two "adult dates" since he was born and while we had really great times, our minds, hearts, and conversations were with our babe. We kept thinking about how much we missed him and wished that he was with us so that he could experience what we were.

I do not pass judegments on parents that choose to do things differently. One thought that comes to me is what message are we sending our children if we "have to get away to really have fun"?

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

BrandiRhoades, as far as exercising, dh is a dj and has his turntables at home. We do a lot of dancing and I do cardio and weights to that in the living room. I gave up on my beloved gym membership when I had dd, I admit. But this is just as fun, for now. I had a proud moment when dd took the axle off a little car and used it as a dumbbell in a playmobil character's hand. She said "this is you mommy."

Otherwise, we walk a lot together and we have been with dd since a very young age. I did buy a very expensive running stroller, because I used to be a long-distance runner and had visions of running with dd. But as it turns out, she HATED being in that thing!

We started a Tae Kwan Do (sp?) class we can do together, though I had to ask the instructor. But right now I'm just too tired. I plan to start that again with dd in the summer and continue that long-term. The instructor there is very good with dealing with all ages and dd knows she has to listen to the instructor. But she's turning 6. I don't think this would have worked more than a year ago and the instructor seems to think so, too, since the class is for 6-9 year olds.

She's also swimming now, so someday we will be able to swim together.

I've had to really dig around here to find things we can do together and a lot depends on the skill and willingness of the instructor. The family yoga teacher, for example, is so good at engaging the kids that I really do get to concentrate on my own workout. Same with the martial arts. Lots of other things haven't worked out so well.

Thanks for the ideas. We do some dancing at home, but DD usually wants me to hold her and dance. She's a bit heavy for that.

Our only martial arts school doesn't allow anyone before age 6, so we can't do that yet. I checked into it when DS asked about karate.

We should be able to do more swimming and less "watch me, mommy" this summer.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

She's at a very different stage in her life; kids teenage to twenties, recently divorced, newly in relationship with my other friend.

well, her perspective may be different because of how her life played out or watching how other people's lives have played out.

My kids are 11 and 13 and we knew very, very few couples who are happily married to their first spouse. We know lots of people who are still married, but many of them are just holding it together because of kids or finances.

Honestly, from the point of few of someone with teens, one of the best thing you can do for your child is nurture your relationship with your partner. You may always love having your child along, but does your sweetie? If your sweetie changed his mind could he just say so, or would you be stuck on how great it is for everyone to be together?

Marriage isn't easy. Building a life together isn't easy. Raising a child together isn't easy. Watching couple after couple drift apart and watching the impact it has on their children has totally turned me around on this one.