Any other parents committed to "intergenerational" socializing? - Page 3

[Smokering]

Eh, bit of both. DD's nearly two. I like time away from her. She CAN'T sit still at the movies, so there's really no point going with her - so I go with some friends occasionally and she stays home with DH. Casual dinners, she comes because she has to, and she's both an asset and a burden. My friends all like her, but she's definitely a distraction and it means we can't get really invested in a game of poker or a conversation without keeping an eye on her. Fancy events... well, we don't really go to fancy events.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I'm not sure what this woman's perspective has to do with her making snotty comments to the OP, though.


The OP said she and her dh spend time together without their child.


So, does that mean you volunteer your opinion on what other people need to be doing with their relationships, based on whether or they accept or decline an invitation??

I've seen a lot of threads on this topic, and almost invariably, somebody (often the OP, but not always) has declined an invitation to something, because their children weren't included. The person issuing the invitation has then made snotty remarks about it, or been mortally offended by the person's decision. Then, the thread turns into the reasons why people don't want to have their children around all the time.

The OP's friend is perfectly entitled to host an adult-only Valentine's Day party. The OP is perfectly entitled to decline. Nobody here is wrong...except that the person hosting the party is out of line to comment on what the OP should or should not be doing.

:

This. The Op and her DH were invited. They politely declined. that should really well and truly be the end of the issue. It was just rude for the woman to make any comment at all!

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

I agree completely. The issue is bad manners. When I read the OP's description of the incident, my thought was that the other person was quite rude, instead of just graciously accepting the OP's decision.

Lots of people want some adult-only time. If that's the case, I'd rather they make it clear so that everyone can have a pleasant time. I'd hate to bring my children, only to have them treated badly because they aren't really welcome. I'd hate for other people to suffer and be irritated if they didn't want to spend time with children.

I think it's positive for people of all ages to socialize together, but I don't think it's terrible to want to spend a little time with your age peers either. I know a lot of children who would rather spend a few hours on the playground with their mates than at a party with a bunch of adults. Likewise, I know a few seniors who really enjoy meeting up and chatting about "the good old days" without having to stop and explain things to their children and grandchildren. I don't think enjoying this kind of time together means that you aren't "committed to intergenerational socializing".

Exactly. On all counts. It was plain ole' bad manners. I don't think the OP or anyone else has said it's all or nothing re: "intergenerational socializing." The OP seems really balanced and positive.

Originally Posted by CatsCradle

OP, I can totally understand where you are coming from regarding the spirit of intergenerational socializing. I think we have perhaps segregated ages too much in our society. Maybe we've gone from family-centered and community-centered to the cult of individualism. Maybe individualism already existed in various forms, but over and over again, I hear people propound about their rights in public to be free of children, etc. While I think that people have a responsibility to be well-behaved in public and make sure that their children are well-behaved, it is the attitude of the total ban of anything that may infringe on perceived individual rights that rubs me the wrong way. This probably has nothing to do with your individual situation, OP, but I still think that children are generally frowned on in our society by a lot of people.

I agree. i find many teenagers loud and annoying, but I don't think they should be banned. I don't think that senior citizens with walkers should be given dirty looks because they move slowly or because their walkers take up space in a cafe. I don't get bent out of shape if a person has a special needs dog. I wish that people we be as understanding of people out and about with young children. Likewise, we all have a responsibility to be as respectful as possible to those in our surroundings. Move the walker or stroller to the side. Talk more quietly or ask your kids to keep it down, etc., etc. It's not that hard, but people seem to make it harder than it needs to be! OK . . . rant over ..

[meemee]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

She must just have made her own observations; but really, it's not fair, since the only reason she knows us is she's my godddaughter's dad's girlfriend and my goddaughter and dd are really close friends. Of course we're always with dd when she sees us!

not sure if i missed this but i am assuming she doesnt have children of her own. and thus she just cannot imagine what it is like wanting to be around our kids. plus i wonder if its a reflection of her own family situation, where she feels her stepchild is more of an intrusion - rather than a part of the family. PLUS i guess some people are just not 'children' people - no fault of theirs either.

i know many non parents who are blown away by the way i behave as a parent. they never thought of parenting on those lines. i go to school fulltime and many times my 7 year old comes along. it is a study come social thing. she brings her homework too. for many esp. the young men - they thought of parenting as a drugery. now some of them - after interacting with dd (probably the first time they ARE participating in a 'true' intergenerational mixing - rather than babysitting) they really get to see how fun it is and now cant wait to be parents themselves. i find that sooo cool.

[texmati]

I haven't read all teh responses, but I wanted to chime in. I grew up this way-- can't ever remember my parents going to a party where we weren't invited-- at least not until we were in our teens, and going to parties where *they*weren't invited!

We have a large extended family, so I had the oppurtunity to build great relationships with people of all different ages. I'm especially thankful to my mom's SIL's-- they are in between mine and my parent's ages, and have been a great help to me while I became a mother.

[carfreemama]

Thanks, texmati! I'm glad you have happy memories of this kind of "mixed" socializing. Our "family Valentine party" was a swimming success, BTW. It was typical, too, in that the kids played and did their own thing and the adults sat and drank wine. Everyone hung out together sometimes, but I definitely got my adult conversation in. I love that dd knows her neighbours well enough that she had her first sleepover with them, even though their dd is over 2 years younger than her. It's just exciting for me, because this sense of community and people of all ages really getting to know each other, is actually unfolding. I hope I didn't give anyone the impression that I think it's "wrong" to want to spend time just with other adults. In this case, though, it meant that our neighbour, who has a 2 month old baby, got to have a Valentine celebration too. By her own account, this otherwise wouldn't have happened and she said she really needed it! If I have another baby, I'm hoping for the same thing.

[Trinitty]

Interesting points, as usual.

We don't have grandparents in town and wouldn't feel right leaving DD (23 months) with anyone at this point, so we haven't had a "date" in a long while.

But, we spent a LOT of time together before she was born, dating since high school, and delaying children until our thirties, very little TV, lots and lots of talking, etc, so we have a really thick foundation.

I wonder, sometimes, if my Mom were in town if I would use her as a babysitter every now and then for an evening dinner date, and I imagine I would... but I can't bear the thought of keeping her with anyone else. My sister is in town, but she has never offered to watch her and I don't know how good she would be at it.

We make sure that she is in bed early on Sundays (run her right through her naptime) and we cook a decent meal and talk, so those are our date nights for now.

.............

On the cultural side of things, I appreciate where the OP is coming from.

Intergenerational socializing. Hmmm.

The compartmentalization and isolation of age groups strikes me as very unnatural and rather odd... it always has.

My parents are WASP Boomers and I would put them in the "ME" generation, even though they are kinder and more generous than DH's parents..... I could never imagine them, say, taking care of their own parents now that they are quite aged, however, I plan on having suite for them to stay in when they are elderly.... same goes for DH's parents, even though they are very self-absorbed. So, those nursing homes/retirement community things have always puzzled me. Mental illnesses aside.

Same goes for daycares, preschools and school. Why is it seen as normal to put 30 children together for hours on end? I disliked it as a child.

I remember finding many of my childhood peers dull and/or irritating and preferring the company of (intelligent) adults. Also, children in large groups can turn into Lord of the Flies very quickly, and I remember countless situations where I wished to be freed from the prison yard of school and be on my own, or be around adults.

I hope to homeschool/selfschool our daughter and future children..... I wonder what it would be like if most of us were always around different generations of people rather than a herd of our peers? Isn't that a more natural clan setting? We have a wide range of ages at our place of work (22 to 72) and we are better for it.

What if that were the norm?

I wonder if the internet will allow for a fully integrated work/home/school life that includes all ages.

Trin..

[leighi123]

If ds doesnt go, I dont go.

The only exception is college classes, which I do one 1/2 day a week, the rest are online!

I'm a single mom, and the extent of my social life is playdates, story time and gymnastics.

[Kailey's mom]

2 days a week for 3 hours, I go to see a friend in a nursing home, my dd can't come because she would be bored out of her mind. that's about the extent of my social life that doesn't include her. She does come to see my friend with me every other sunday when his mom brings him home. My dd stays with dh on weeknights when I go to the nursing home.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Thanks, texmati! I'm glad you have happy memories of this kind of "mixed" socializing.

I'm just now reading some of the responses. I was talking to my mom about this over the long weekend. When I was growing up, I think my mom felt less of a need to have a break, *because* of all the inter-generation socializing.

Many hands make light(er) work. Or in the case of child rearing, many hands make the work bearable!

Although I do think the comments were a little snooty, perhaps the other woman was feeling defensive about leaving her little ones?

I do agree, that while you can't ever take off your mom hat, sometimes it's nice to shove it in your back pocket.

[carfreemama]

Good points about the elderly/parents aspect of this equation. My own mother is 87 and, while I am as close as it's possible to be to her long-distance, she is several provinces away. She has made it clear that her life and friends are where she is, so the modern dilemma of living far away from one's family will hit us hard in the near-ish future. However, I, too, am making plans to look after her in whatever ways I can and she will allow. When we were looking for our house a few years ago, we also had an in-law suite in mind. We didn't end up going for it, though, because of how clear my mother's wishes are. Dh's parents are very young and in excellent health and have lots of financial resources. They live nearby, so we can very actively help them as they need it. It's true, though; it seems lots of people either can't or won't make this sacrifice (though I've also seen lots of people who are currently giving of themselves very generously in this way).

I'm not homeschooling for various reasons, though that's where my heart is for many of the reasons a pp stated. However, I do start work at 5 a.m. so I can pick dd up at lunch and right after school, so we have as much time together as possible. I've been reading Hold On to Your Kids a lot lately and his emphasis on child/adult attachment has really struck a cord with me.