Neighbors weird reaction

[ambersrose]

When we decided to pull my daughter out of public school and start homeschooling one of our neighbors stopped talking to me. She goes out of her way now to avoid me. We were close friends at one point and she had always expressed that she wanted to homeschool but that the public schools in the area were just too good and her home was too small and, and , and. I dont understand. I thought she would be supportive not rude. Has this happened to anyone else?

[elizawill]

i'm sorry that happened. it sounds like she wasn't such a good friend afterall. that hurts. i'm sorry. hugs mama.

[mattemma04]

Perhaps she feel uncomfortable because she still has her kids in the school,and your choice to pull may make her think you are going to judge her.

If you are up for it confront her and ask,or email her if that is possible.Only she can tell you why she avoids you.Once that is done then you can both move on.

[ambersrose]

Originally Posted by mattemma04

If you are up for it confront her and ask,or email her if that is possible.Only she can tell you why she avoids you.Once that is done then you can both move on.

You are right and I am a lets talk and work it out type of person but she isn't. I am pretty sure I would get a "nothings wrong, I have just been busy, talk to you later" answer out of her. We live in a small town and that is how people deal with things here. Gloss over and ignore.

[jazzharmony]

My experience having had children in public school, independent school, and now homeschooling, is that this isn't so uncommon.
Many people have a tendency to feel threatened when others make different choices.
I've seen or experienced this with many "alternative" choices. Full term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, home birthing.
We simply lost friends when we transitioned to homeschooling - just as we had lost friends when we transitioned from public school to independent school.

Remember too, that it isn't a choice many people can make, for various reasons.
I have also had friends distance themselves because their children kept asking to homeschool like ours. Since it wasn't possible for them, they decided it would be easier not to see us.

It's difficult isn't it?

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by ambersrose

You are right and I am a lets talk and work it out type of person but she isn't. I am pretty sure I would get a "nothings wrong, I have just been busy, talk to you later" answer out of her. We live in a small town and that is how people deal with things here. Gloss over and ignore.

If your neighbor takes that approach, it strikes me as a dishonest and unrelational way to relate to others. Could you ask her if everything is okay and explain that you feel her distance? Or how about inviting them over for dinner and/or a kids playdate?

[Lillian J]

Maybe she's not purposely shunning you but simply avoiding you because she's so uncomfortable with you doing what she'd like to do. I had a friend who started avoiding me when I got pregnant, and she ran into my husband and told him it was because she was so jealous she couldn't stand it. You just never know what might be on someone's mind, but it really doesn't sound like a friendship that would have been satisfying and genuine on a longterm basis if it could be ended over something like this. The tangent issues that could have come up once you've been homeschooling for a while might also have been an ongoing drag. I think it's probably good that it's over - Lillian

[rere]

Well,I had a friend of a friend do that.Not as big of a deal but it was really weird.This is someone who I saw a few times a year at our mutual friend's house.She has 2 kids(one who is just a little older than my daughter).We always talked at parties.We were outside and she was commenting on how smart my daughter was(always makes me a little uncomfortable but whatever...)and then asked if she was in kindergarten yet.When I told her we were homeschooling she got up and started to walk away.Her daughter(about 9 yrs old)started to ask me about homeschooling and she grabbed her and brought the kids inside.The next party we were both at she completely avoided me and kept her kids away from mine.

[claddaghmom]

I vote maybe she is jealous, and also unwilling/unable to make the changes in her life that she wants to or thinks she should. So she is avoiding the subject e.g. you.

This happened w/ a friend when I announced my wedding date. We had been close, both dating seriously and shared all the excuses of delaying a wedding "money" "school" "career" etc. When she saw that I pulled it off, I think it left her with a feeling that she should be able to do it, too, but she didn't want to or couldn't do those things at that time in her life. It's like a constant rubbing in your nose type thing...

[Lillian J]

Something it's taken me a lifetime to come to grips with is that some otherwise nice enough people simply allow themselves to be insensitive, rude, sometimes even mean or cruel, when they come up against their own discomforts. And they often don't even realize what they're doing or that it has anything to do with anyone but themselves - the feelings of the other person are not being considered or envisioned. I find that hard to fathom, but it's just an unfortunate fact of life. My son has sometimes told me, when I'm hurt or perplexed about someone's rudeness or hurtfulness, that I need to realize it probably wasn't even personal, but that they were probably just in a bad mood or dealing with their own frustrations and not even thinking about me. I don't know how he managed to learn that so early in life - maybe because it wasn't something he had to deal with in school settings. I've gradually begun to recognize that some people just aren't doing the social thing with a full deck of cards, so it's fruitless to try to understand it as part of our relationship, because it's not about us - it's about them. - Lillian

[lynsage]

This happened to me. I was welcomed into the social circle of moms when I first moved here, and then we pulled The Kidlet out of kindergarten and I suddenly became a pariah. I asked one of the more talkative neighbors about it and she said people were upset by what my DP had said about it on Facebook (he said some snarky stuff about the school being conformist and things of that nature in a comment on my wall responding to a family member who asked why we pulled her) and I was like, "I'm not the one who said that stuff". She acted like she was over it but nobody has talked to me since then and their kids don't come over and ask if Kidlet can play anymore. I feel like we are just being shunned.

Personally, I think it has less to do with DP's comments and more with people thinking we're weird or feeling like we don't have anything to talk about since we don't have kids at the same school anymore. There's another mom that I heard some gossip about that the other moms think she's "weird" because she thinks her kids have food allergies, so it's obviously a very mainstream area. As far as I'm concerned, if they want to keep to themselves, we can too. I'm sure we can find some homeschoolers and AP/NFL people to associate with.

[ambersrose]

Thank you all for your comments. We have invited the neighbors over since we started homeschooling and everytime they decline. They even skipped my dd birthday party and my daughter was very upset. I think she might be jealous that I actually am doing what she said she wanted to do. Thank you Lillian for the reminder that it probably has nothing to do with me personally.

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by ambersrose

When we decided to pull my daughter out of public school and start homeschooling one of our neighbors stopped talking to me. She goes out of her way now to avoid me. We were close friends at one point and she had always expressed that she wanted to homeschool but that the public schools in the area were just too good and her home was too small and, and , and. I dont understand. I thought she would be supportive not rude. Has this happened to anyone else?

sounds like gulit.

liek the mom who gets soo sooo hot under the collar about breastfeeding .. cuz she is INTERNALLY in conflict with herself for not doing it herself??

you are no doubt better without her in your life, and your DD is no doubt better with out contact with that family.

[Luckiestgirl]

Similar experience here. A developing friendship pretty much halted when friend came over and saw John Gatto's "Dumbing Us Down" on our coffee table. She's a public school administrator. I didn't put the book there to make a point or hurt her feelings; I was in the middle of reading it, and she dropped by unexpectedly.

Oh well, you know? I live in a small town, too, and have found it very difficult to form deep friendships because so many people are threatend/repulsed by our parenting choices.

I do have one good friend here who is very open-minded, and I'm grateful for that.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by ambersrose

Thank you all for your comments. We have invited the neighbors over since we started homeschooling and everytime they decline. They even skipped my dd birthday party and my daughter was very upset. I think she might be jealous that I actually am doing what she said she wanted to do. Thank you Lillian for the reminder that it probably has nothing to do with me personally.

Can you ask her directly why they skipped your dd's party?

[ambersrose]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

Can you ask her directly why they skipped your dd's party?

She emailed me that they just could not make it and I dont feel it is polite to push the subject. If she is done being friends then we will move on and not dwell. I also forgot to mention that her husband is the VP of my husbands company further complicating the situation. It doesn't sound like this is uncommon so I feel a lot better about it.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by Luckiestgirl

Similar experience here. A developing friendship pretty much halted when friend came over and saw John Gatto's "Dumbing Us Down" on our coffee table. She's a public school administrator. I didn't put the book there to make a point or hurt her feelings; I was in the middle of reading it, and she dropped by unexpectedly.

Oh well, you know? I live in a small town, too, and have found it very difficult to form deep friendships because so many people are threatend/repulsed by our parenting choices.

I do have one good friend here who is very open-minded, and I'm grateful for that.

You are very fortunate to have that.

I am stunned that anyone would drop a friendship over a book on a coffee table. People really lack curiosity and inquiry at times.

I interned at a public school in a city environment. I was horrified at how the students were treated and their intelligence insulted. I have not read Gatto's book but from my own experience I can see how that title fits.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by ambersrose

She emailed me that they just could not make it and I dont feel it is polite to push the subject. If she is done being friends then we will move on and not dwell. I also forgot to mention that her husband is the VP of my husbands company further complicating the situation. It doesn't sound like this is uncommon so I feel a lot better about it.

That stinks about your friend!

My only point is to ask friend's directly about your own assumptions or preferably prior to making assumptions. Her dh being a VP does complicate things but friendships take patience, work and time regardless of the politics of it. If you are genuinely sad and remiss about the loss of relationship, I would just ask her your questions directly and tell her you feel her pulling away and are concerned.

I am sorry that she has pulled away. I have been there. Even when you ask direct questions, neighbors are not always honest with their responses. All you can do is keep it open and real on your end and then wait to see what happens.

I hope she talks to you about the distance. That is hard in a neighbor situation.

[craft_media_hero]

Yes, she probably takes it as a personal dig that you decided to homeschool and she hasn't yet made the leap. That's lame. Sorry you're having to deal with this. Weird how sometimes people think that just because you're choosing differently means that you're somehow insulting their choices.

[LauraLoo]

I'd consider giving your friend some time to come to terms with this -- especially since you were close. I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to talk to her, but I wouldn't shut any doors just yet.

I met a woman in my neighborhood who had children the same ages as mine just a couple of months before I made the sudden leap to HS. Our kids hit it off immediately and we arranged a few playdates. One day we were discussing schools, she mentioned that her husband had been HS'ed and said that he would never allow their children to be HS'ed. I even talked to her dh about his concerns with HS'ing. At this point I was contemplating HS'ing, but had no specific plans. A month or so later, two weeks after we pulled ds from school, I ran into her and told her that we were HS'ing. Playdates came to an immediate halt. Two months later, she was out walking with her dc's and she stopped to talk to me in front of our home. She commented that my ds seemed so much happier and at ease. Six months later she contacted me about HS'ing materials - she had pulled her ds from school and her dh was supportive. We are now very good friends. You just never know.