Do 5yo's have tantrums?

[Still_Learning]

I'm trying to figure out if ds's behavior is developmentally appropriate. Do 5yo's typically throw tantrums? I mean, shrieking,screaming, hitting things. All out tantrums.

Ds has them daily

[redpajama]

My son turned 5 yesterday. I'm not sure how to answer you because I'm not sure what to call a "tantrum," but he occasionally (not daily) has little..."outbursts"...when things don't go his way.

So, for example, when I wouldn't let him take a particular toy to school for "show and tell" today, he crossed his arms and pouted and said, "Fine! If I can't take that toy to school then I'm not GOING to school!" He got over it within a couple of minutes, chose a different toy, and headed out the door.

At its worst, when he's angriest, he'll yell something to get a response out of us, such as, "I hate you" or "I don't ever want to see you again." Again, not daily (but probably weekly or slightly more-than-weekly), and he's over it within 5-10 minutes (by over it, I mean out of his bad mood--the actual yelling only lasts about as long as it takes to yell "I hate you" once; sometimes twice, for emphasis).

Since you called it an "all out tantrum," I'm assuming you're describing something a bit more...tantrumy...than this. Based on what I see from other kids who are roughly my son's age (so, purely anecdotal), I'd say it's not typical for kids this age to continue to tantrum in the "screaming, kicking, flailing, crying" sense of the word, but I'm not sure at what point it becomes a developmental concern. My nephew is ~4.5, and while he has never been prone to tantrums, he cries an awful lot (probably his version of a tantrum), and my friend's son (also 4.5) gets angry and has what I would call his version of a tantrum, "Crying, yelling, refusing to talk/listen." And I would say my son is having *his* version of a tantrum when he yells unkind things or sulks.

If he seems otherwise developmentally on-track, I would probably evaluate how I was responding to his tantrums, if I were you. I would explain to him (when he's not upset) that acting that way will not accomplish what he wants, and talk about some more appropriate (and more effective, for him) ways of responding to whatever sets him off. And then I would be make sure that tantrums *weren't* an effective way of getting what he wants--refusing to give in to him because he's throwing a fit, or whatever. If he's a normal 5-year-old, he probably lacks some impulse control, but is cognitively ready to think through some better responses and to begin breaking his tantrum habit.

[Ellien C]

Mine did - but I'm not convinced it was totally normal. Our tantrums were not little fits - but things that could go on for 20- minutes to an hour. The type of thing you have the pull the car over for.

As she approached 5 and was still tantrumming I sought help from an Occupational Therapist. I had called our ped and was at the end of my rope. Ages 3.5 - 4.5 were rough and I expected that, but it was very difficult for me as the behavior continued as she approached 5. We ended up with about 6-8 weeks of OT - she calmed down, learned to brush her hair and teeth and would eventually consent to wearing socks. She had some sensory defensiveness, but after being at the OT's office, I saw just how mild it was. Now whether the change was due to the OT or just growing maturity, I really can't say - but she enjoyed it, insurance paid for it and I felt like I was getting some help when I was drowning.

[JL83]

We're around alot of kids this age and only a couple of the 5+ throw that kind of tantrum.

The other kids throw "fits" where they sulk or refuse to listen but it's much more grown up. There's 1 girl who just turned 6 who still throws what seems like a toddler temper tantrum. It's really weird to see and I don't think it's completely normal. But her parents play into it. they add energy to the tantrum rather than trying to calm it down, so it feels like a feedback loop which goes out of control (ending with the girl and her parents yelling at each other and the grownups effectively throwing temper tantrums as well).

[LynnS6]

Our dd is 5 1/2 and regularly does. She's just an intense kid. It's funny because she wasn't a particularly high needs baby, but she's developed into a very intense, spirited child. She has a vision of how the world should be, and when reality doesn't match her vision, it's really, really hard on her (and us).

I will say that the time between 5 and 5 1/2 were kind of rough, and now that we're firmly past 5 1/2, things are getting better. The tantrums have subsided to about 2-3 times a week. We still get a lot of whining that I'm working on too.

FWIW, our ds never had tantrums like dd has had. Not at 3, not at 4, and definitely not at 5. Stomping and slamming a door is about as intense as he gets.

I was an intense kid too and remember having tantrums at what must have been age 5. I developed into a relatively normal adult .

I would recommend the books:
Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

[Ornery]

My youngest two don't throw tantrums anymore (5 and 3) but my oldest started to at that age. We went through some major life changes around age 5-6 and he started to have a really hard time processing his anger. While he would never kick or hit a person, he got really violent toward inanimate objects. We quickly sought out play therapy so that he could learn healthy ways of dealing. It really helped. He still (at age 14) uses some of the techniques.

I don't know any 5 yo that still throws full on tantrums. I do, however, know an 8 yo that does on occasion and it always works for her (her parents give her what she wants so that she'll stop screaming). She is a really great little girl away from her parents but once you get her around them, she is just downright nasty to them.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It's funny because she wasn't a particularly high needs baby, but she's developed into a very intense, spirited child. She has a vision of how the world should be, and when reality doesn't match her vision, it's really, really hard on her (and us).

Same here.

[jlobe]

Mine does - but my 5yo DD has quite the temper. It re-emerged at 4yo and is now abating a bit as she is learning some impulse control. I believe it is quite developmentally appropriate.

[greenmansions]

My almost-6 yo has pitched serious tantrums for the past few months, about every two weeks or so. I think he's under a lot of stress adjusting to school, and there are some pretty volatile kids there - I think my child holds it together at school and then occasionally loses it at home. The tantrums now are crying, with some screaming, hitting and kicking and last 20 -30 minutes, though one lasted a lot longer. Several of my friends have been experiencing similar things with their kindergartners.

[CheriK]

Mine did, and at 8 sometimes still does (although it's becoming more verbal the older he gets, and he's mostly stopped hitting or kicking people . . . mostly!). I agree w/ some of the other comments. I think it may be on the edge of "normal" behavior. We haven't seen an OT or therapist for DS, but have discussed it several times with his pediatrician, and based on watching other children, I think his social skills are developing more slowly than others.

When I find myself getting frustrated, I try to pretend he's 2 instead of 8 and respond in that light. Different language, of course; I'm not trying to be condescending to him, but instead change my attitude to his behavior. It's easy to get into the mindset that "you're too old for this behavior". But THIS CHILD is not too old, it's where he's at developmentally, and when I try to tell myself to respond like he's 2, I don't take it personally. I also try to avoid spending too much time around people who don't think 8 (or 5. . .) year olds should behave that way.

Have you read the Raising Your Spirited Child books? It helps a lot with responding to my son's behavior. I know my son is very sensitive to being physically not right (I heard it described once as "lousy local conditions" by a developmental psychologist). If he's too hot, too cold, too overstimulated by crowds or noise, hungry/thirsty. . . then we have a meltdown. We've recently had a spate of tantrums. He's started playing computer games and gets so involved that he forgets to eat or drink, or gets overstimulated, especially if I get busy and forget to limit his time. If he misses a mea or his afternoon snack, then he's impossible. And once he gets to the point of tantrum, he doesn't notice his body's cues, so he'll be shrieking at us that he's "NOT HUNGRY", but as soon as we get him to eat anything, he's a totally different kid. It helps to know the triggers.

If it's happening daily, I would consider keeping a log of when it happens and things like when your son ate, WHAT he ate (sensitivitiy to chemicals and additives, food allergies), where he's gone that day, what activity preceeded the tantrum, how you're responding . . . there's likely a pattern that will help you and your son learn to manage his behavior. Whenever we have a tantrum, we talk about it later that day. During the tantrum, even immediately after, is NOT a teachable moment. We've used exercises from the book A Volcano in my Tummy, which have helped.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Our dd is 5 1/2 and regularly does. She's just an intense kid. It's funny because she wasn't a particularly high needs baby, but she's developed into a very intense, spirited child. She has a vision of how the world should be, and when reality doesn't match her vision, it's really, really hard on her (and us).

Originally Posted by jlobe

Mine does - but my 5yo DD has quite the temper. It re-emerged at 4yo and is now abating a bit as she is learning some impulse control. I believe it is quite developmentally appropriate.

Yes and yes.

Dd doesn't have daily tantrums--lots of testing, negotiating, "you're a mean mom," etc. but not a full-out hissy fit--but she does still have them. This may seem counter-intuitive, but I tend to be more in sympathy with her when she's having an all-out meltdown. Always strikes me that something's going on that is just too big to process, so she'll zero in on something else that seems pretty trivial to melt down over. It doesn't mean she gets her way, but that I try to get her to the point where she'll accept a little babying in the form of cuddling and rocking.

ETA - she just turned 5, in December. She's never done any of this at PreK. So that makes me happy.

[bandgeek]

DS is 5 and has tantrums but not that bad. He shrieks and cries but rarely hits or kicks. He'll also plop himself down and refuse to get up. Recently he's started running to the bedroom and throwing himself on the bed and I'm ok with that. A little quiet time is good when he's freaking out.

He does sometimes hit but never during a tantrum. Weird huh?

[Tjej]

The 5yo I mind has a tantrum every once in a while, but definitely not on a daily basis. And when it has happened there have been extenuating circumstances (illness) all but one of the times (and who knows, maybe there was something that time too, I just didn't know about it).

So I personally think that if your DC is that stressed out every day it would be something to work on. Find a therapist or doctor. Watch foods and sleep patterns. Something must be bothering for emotions to get that out of control that often.

Tjej

[karemore]

I can only speak for the 8- 10 five year olds we know well, but none of them have tantrums. Attitudes? Oh boy. But they all have the control to not get to tantrum level.

I'd be concerned, which it sounds like you are.

[lnitti]

my dd will be 6 in March.

Temper tantrums are a regular thing with her.

I just keep hoping it will end.

Sometimes, I take dd2 and close us in a room where dd1 can't get to us. She has a habit of hitting and kicking, slamming doors, slamming drawers, throwing things, etc.

[onyxravnos]

yep. normal. annoying as all get out but normal.
5 ish year olds are still learning to process things in appropriate ways and they get frustrated easy and dont always have the ability to really say what they mean . OR they do say what they mean but it's 5yr-ish-ize and doesn't really work in the real world causing more frustration.

[eepster]

I think tendency to throw tantrums is as much about temperament as it is about age. I once saw a full grown woman who was a VP at her company have a temper tantrum b/c she didn't like the way her wedding invitations came out . (Seriously, with throwing and crying.) I say as long as he gets past them before college your OK.

Just remain calm, don't give in to them and don't let him hurt himself.

[mamazee]

It can be normal. There was a time where I noticed my dd had significantly fewer tantrums if she had a protein-based breakfast, like eggs, instead of a grain-based breakfast, like cereal. You might try to increase protein and decrease grain and see if his blood sugars stay more level and that helps things.

[tinuviel_k]

I really think it depends on the child. I have friends with a child who tantrums hard at the age of 7 (yelling, screaming, shoving, etc...). But my 6 year old hasn't had one since I can remember, maybe at age 4? And even then it was pretty perodic.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I dont see them daily but several times a week ds will jump up and down screaming "I want X!!!" or something similar. I just ignore him for the most part.