18 month old tantrums...

[FallonsMomma]

Hi all. I guess I need some advice, or maybe I just need to vent.

My DS is a very active, spirited little guy. Amazing, but completely different from my DD. She was mellow, easy going, and great sleeper. He is hyper, loving, frustrating, etc.

He's been throwing tantrums for a few months now, and its getting to the point that it's several times a day - at typically the same times.

1- diaper/clothing changes
2 - dropping DD off at school
3 - picking DD up from school
4 - basically anytime he doesn't get his own way

I've tried ignoring, stern voices, grumpy faces, a swat on the bum (I hate THAT!), yelling, crying...nothing seems to work. I can tell when it's building up, but it's often at DDs school that it's the worst. There is no bus service and she's only in 1st grade, so I take her in, get her settled in the morning and then we leave. In the afternoon, i come, pick her up in her classroom and we leave. I've been wearing DS in the carrier, but he' getting to the point that he hates being carried, he wants to run and play and yell (I totally get where he's coming from), and its not an appropriate time - there are no doors in DDs school so he's running and excitedly yelling - it disrupts the kids in class.

I feel very conflicted and beat down about this. On one hand I feel the need to honor my 1.5 year olds desire to explore and run and laugh, and on the other, I need to be there for DD who' still having some problems sharing me with DS - especially since DS has been so all-consuming since he came around.

I started letting DS out of the carrier in the afternoons - since there's no real work for me to do with DD at school - but getting him to put toys away that he's grabbed (there's lots of recess toys accessible for him), and come with us to walk to the car results in a tantrum 95% of the time.

I'm tired, I don't have much support - DH works a lot, my mom lives 45 mins away, and I don't have any friends that stay at home. I'm tired of the rolling eyes from the holier-than-thou parents. I'm tired of DH telling me to just spank him and he'll learn. I guess I'm just tired.

Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated.

Char

[Luke's mama]

I really recommend Dr Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block. He has a book and a dvd--the basic idea is you talk to them in their caveman language and let them know that you get it--you use the same kind of facial expressions and stamping and arm waving that they do--mirror them--and expressive voice and say things like "You WANT! You WANT to stay and play!" you state their feelings, maybe several times until you get there attention, and then you distract or say something like "be we have to go now, we'll play more at home!" sometimes you have to repeat a few times or get more dramatic, but I have found it does work most of the time. His theory is that they like being validated and seeing that you get their feelings.

I have also found that talking up what you are doing helps--like tell him "ok, we are going to go now, so let's say bye bye to the toys and put them up"--then say bye to each one you put up, and even maybe say let's count to 123 and on count of 3 we will put this toy away.

I just started reading Playful Parenting, but his basic idea is to make a game out of it when they are resisting. I haven't gotten far enough into it to give you examples other than using funny voices, but maybe have a race to the car to make it fun to leave or something like that?

It generally seems like giving lots of warning about what is going to happen and narrating the steps with plenty of repetition about what you are doing helps them accept the little transitions (of course not always, but most of the time!!)

[FallonsMomma]

Funny you should mention that, because after this morning's meltdown, I had to make a change. I got his attention, told him what we would be doing - 'we're going to change your diaper now', etc. It wasn't perfect, but it went SOOOOOO much better. Even at DDs school - he had a minor break down, but instead of picking him up and carrying him out like a flailing football, I sat him down and calmly told him it was time to go, and asked him if he wanted to walk....it worked.

Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for.

Thanks for the info - I'll have to check the book out.

[Shami]

For some reason saying bye bye to what ever it is helps my dd leave without problems.
Even in the grocery store we tell the cake, or candy bye bye, and it works, for now.
I also do a lot of validating and agreeing. You don't want to leave the slide, you want to slide, you love the slide, me too. I love the slide, too. I want to stay at the slide, too.
It is exhausting trying to stay one step ahead of them, isn't it. I hear ya, your tired. Me too. I just keep telling myself she'll only be little once and then I won't be able to hold her anymore.
About the eye rolling from others, maybe they are eye rolling because they know how hard it is and they see your little guy is being a challenge. The eye roll could be, oh, man, that stinks, I know how that feels when my kid used to do that. I think sometimes people stare at a meltdown situation and have expressions and say things to friends without realizing that it 'FEELS' like they are judging. Actually, they can't look away (like a car wreck, you don't want to look, but you look), but inside they're just relieved it isn't THEIR kid, or their kid FINALLY grew out of that stage. Hope that makes you feel better. I really hope they aren't truly being jerks.

[Luke's mama]

Sorry about those eye rollers and good for you for following your heart!

just wanted to share something about DS, 21 mos. He really likes to give our dog treats, but recently decided it is funny to not give them and hold on to them, which becomes even more of a problem because he winds up eating them himself. yuck. I have tried making him give them to the dogs and prying them out of his fingers, but of course he throws a fit. Well today I remembered this thread and kept telling him that we needed to give them to the doggies (only a few times), and that on the count of three we are going to give them, ok? ready, 1-2-3---and then he peacefully gave them over and that was the end of that! Whew! Glad that worked (as the pp said, at least for now)!