Is it normal to feel weird if your pastor gets divorced?

[Phantaja]

I used to go to an amazing church. Jeans and tee shirts were the norm and it started at five in the evening and the service was taught in plain language. It was a great teaching church, less focus on songs and performance and more on how the Bible relates to every day life.

I had some major issues in my life and stopped going to church about two years ago. I decided to go back two regularly two months ago and had been going with my grandmother, but her church is really stuffy and of the three to four hour service, only about fifteen minutes was teaching the Word. The rest was praise dancing and music (once with a fifty piece orchestra!) and soliciting money. I went back to my old church, alone, for the first time yesterday.

I showed up fifteen minutes late and asked one of the guys on the ministry team if I could sit in the back with him so I wouldn't bother anyone. He pointed to the front and invited me to sit next to the pastors wife.

Only it wasn't the pastors wife.

It was a new woman that he'd married over the summer. I smiled and waved at the end of the service, but I didn't say anything to either one of them.

A big part of the reason that I wanted to go back was because (it looked like) the pastor and his wife had such a great marriage and I wanted help with some issues in my own marriage. But now I feel like there's NO WAY he could help me with that.

I know that he's just a man, but it still feels strange. Looking back, I noticed that a few members of the ministry team had been replaced and I wonder if the divorce had anything to do with it. Is this a normal feeling?

[dealic]

Well my first thought was do you know he got divorced? Is there a chance he was widowed? Because that would spin it differently.

However, I assume you do know. I think it makes perfect sense to feel a loss of confidence in him as a counseller for your own marriage. However, he may not actually live up (down?) to your changed perception. There is often a lot of difference between someone's private life and their abilities to help others in their's. Its a different skillset.

Also, without knowing the reasons for the disintegration of his marriage, it would be hard to say what impact it would have on my personal feelings about it. I would try to reserve opinions just based on having met the new wife. Its not enough information to go on, you know?

Does this make any sense...? I am trying to say I see where you are coming from, but don't give up on the church or on him on so little information.

[javilu]

I can't speak to this specific experience, but I have been in a situation in the past where a couple of friends splitting up really deeply hit me, because my own relationship at the time was troubled and I was like, "oooh, if they can't last, how will we?"

Not saying you're going to end up like them, but it might just be something in the back of your mind.

[Phantaja]

He's definately divorced. He blogged about it.

[Phantaja]

Originally Posted by puffnstuff

I can't speak to this specific experience, but I have been in a situation in the past where a couple of friends splitting up really deeply hit me, because my own relationship at the time was troubled and I was like, "oooh, if they can't last, how will we?"

Not saying you're going to end up like them, but it might just be something in the back of your mind.

That might be where this weirdness is coming from. Because if the pastor and if wife can't make it then there's no hope for us

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by Phantaja

That might be where this weirdness is coming from. Because if the pastor and if wife can't make it then there's no hope for us

If it makes you feel better, pastors and their spouses actually have a pretty high divorce rate because the job is so incredibly stressful on families. I think a non-clergy family actually has a better chance of making it than a pastor's family.

Now I've depressed myself.

[LoriBelle]

I think it is natural to be appalled when divorce strikes the pastoral family. It erodes confidence in the pastor and calls to mind 1 Timothy 3:4-5: "You must manage your own family well, with children who respect and obey you. For if you cannot manage your own household, how can you take care of God’s church?" Many denominations, for this reason, will not allow divorced men to serve in the ministry and will ask divorcing pastors to resign. How can a divorced/divorcing pastor offer real marital advice with a straight face?

My advice to you would be, if it really bothers you, to figure out how your pastor's marriage ended, and then decide whether you can live with that. Personally, I would be unable to sit under the teaching of a pastor whose marriage ended because he just didn't want to be married anymore or as a result of his adultery (especially if he quickly remarried afterward, which shows a lack of judgment). If, on the other hand, his wife left him or cheated on him, I might be inclined to stay because it might not indicate any failure in his character. Such a situation might indicate that he was not the best husband in the world, but it could just mean she was not a good wife or there was a failure in judgment on the part of either or both of them. There's really no way to know without digging a little too deep. One more piece of advice is not to listen to the church rumor mill. If you want to know what happened to the pastor's marriage, don't ask Sister Sally Sue - ask the pastor or a trusted, mature church member.

You really have to weigh all these things for yourself when making a decision, but rest assured, it's completely natural to at least feel uneasy that one's pastor has divorced and remarried in such a short span of time.

[dealic]

I agree with the PP, the reason for his divorce would matter to me too. I would be much more inclined to be bothered by his infidelity for example than marital breakdown due to extreme stresses beyond their control (perhaps infertility, death of loved ones, etc).

[walking burp cloth]

I couldn't read and not reply.

The pastor of my church and his wife are seperated. They have been for a few months. She lives in a close by city, and he is currently on sabatical, and we have a replacement for the time. (I think his time is almost up though.) They are working on themselves, and working on their friendship.

It has been really hard as a lot of us also looked up to them for a lot of things, one thing being their marriage. They really seemed to have it down, and still consider themselves best friends.

I have often thought "If they are having these issues, them me and DH are doomed!!" (we have had a rough marraige from the beginning -4 years ago -and have almost called it off a couple of times - and both of us have taken marrital advice from them)

It is really hard and confusing and no one in our community has any idea what the outcome will be. There are a lot of factors with their situation.

So, yes... feeling weird is totally normal. I feel weird.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more in depth. (I would probably benifit also

[Smokering]

I'd feel weird. (Well, my pastor's my dad, so I'd actually feel pretty devastated, but...)

Divorce is certainly common among Christians, but the Bible does seem to hold leaders to a higher standard. And if the divorce were a result of his infidelity... well, in our church he'd be a) fired and b) put under church discipline.

I'm sorry that happened. Please don't take it as a death knell for your marriage, though! Just because they may have seemed a healthier couple than you doesn't mean they were. Well... obviously.

[Nazsmum]

Charles Stanley is divorced. I believe that his wife left him. He has never been remarried. I respect him for that. On the other hand I know a pastor that has been remarried after pledging to the church that he would not remarry. That made me sad. I look up to him and I know that other the church did also.

One other pastor I know that was divorced and remarried is a great man of God. He is very open about what happen in his first marrage and how he feels that the Lord alow him to remarry. I'm not sure that I agree with him but he is a very Godly man and I still listen to his teaching.

Hope you find a church that is what u are look for. I know that it is hard.

[anj_rn]

I know a pastor who is divorced and remarried. I know that he tried to make it work for quite awhile, but his wife habitually cheated on him. He was not a practicing pastor at the time of his divorce. Several years later he remarried a widow. I think that he is excellent at premarital and marital councilling because he has been through difficult times.

That being said, I would not be comfortable with him if I did not know what had happened.

[lilyka]

If my pastor got divorced honestly I don't know how I could stay in the church. I guess it would be one thing if she was not a good person and just up and left. but if he was cheating on her or threw her out or whatever there would be no way I could respect anything he said. I take marriage seriously. it would be even worse if he got remarried. and just went on as if all of it was ok. Of course if he was widowed or she cheated on him or just ran off that would color things differently.

[Katica]

As a pastor`s wife I know how fragile clergy marriages are. Everyone looks up to us as we are perfect so there is a great pressure to look healthy from the outside even if we are having a hard time. It shouldn`t be this way but unfortunately it often is the case. And while the pastor counsels many, he usually doesn`t have anyone to turn to when his marriage is in trouble. So, yeah, I agree with the PPs that clergy marriages are super frail.

OTOH, Phantaja, your marriage isn`t doomed to fail b/c of your pastor`s divorce. There was probably a LOT going on behind the scenes that you did not know about. I`m sorry though, that you went there for support and couldn`t find any. I`d keep looking...

[Ellien C]

My minister announced his divorce about a week after he performed our wedding ceremony! It was pretty weird for me.

It is a second marriage for both our ministers right now. They are co-ministers and married to each other. The second marriage part doesn't bother me as much as the fact she was his secretary. Our interim minister was gay, so marriage wasn't an issue.

[Aquitane]

Our favorite pastor had been divorced for many years (20+) before he came to us as an interim pastor.

He was with us for almost 4 years. While at our church he met and married one of the loveliest ladies in our congregation, who was a widow. I should state that they did not announce their intended marriage until his time was nearly up.

I guess I don't go to church looking for marriage advice or guidance. For me, religion is very individual. So while a divorced pastor wouldn't bother me, it might really bother someone else.