Grieving SNs.

[momtoS]

I have good days and bad days which are usually closely linked to dd1's good and bad days.

On a bad day I am heartbroken.
I feel guilty that my second daughter is easier to raise.
I feel guilty for thinking that my second daughter will have more opportunities.
I feel frustration most days
I feel why me?
I feel that prehaps....I wasn't intended to have children and this is my punishment.

When will I accept it and enjoy it? I read so many other mothers...they say they wouldn't change a thing.

I would. I would take away the challenges....but not my daughter.....I would take away her frustrations. I would make her more enjoyable to be around.

[HarperRose]

I'm getting to bed. Have to stop by here and offer a because I get it.

[clicksab]

I understand and I deal with many of the same emotions. I wish I had something amazing to say to make it better...I'm sorry.

[bandgeek]

I know you read my blog and see me pour my love out for my DD and I'm sure sometimes it seems all rainbows and roses because I rarely let the bad emotions out. But I have to be honest...I'm not one of those people that wouldn't change a thing. If I could have ONE wish the only thing I would even consider choosing is to have Charlie just be a normal, happy, healthy child who can run and jump and eat and play with her friends. And be able to speak so she can tell me she loves me.

I love her the way she is of course, but I'm still sad a lot of the time. It's completely normal and I know a lot of the time us mothers put on a brave face and say we wouldn't change anything or we know our children are gifts meant just for us or any number of things to let people know we are strong and can handle the emotions. But every mother of a SN child goes through this to an extent. Even parents who choose to adopt SN kids an know beforehand and accept it will feel sad from time to time.

You aren't alone, I promise. And most importantly, it's OKAY to have these feelings.

[HarperRose]

I would take away Max's anxiety,, his difficulty in social settings, his frustrations, and I'd take away Rachel's SPD & anxiety. (Those are highly frustrating for her.)

[sbgrace]

I would take away Andrew's health and developmental issues w/out a hesitation. I would take away Caleb's allergies and asthma and anxiety. I would take away all the yuck from my kids and protect them from everything if only I could. I think most parents feel that way no matter than degree of challenges (or not) their kids face. We probably just feel it more acutely and it's sadder because the challenges are so great.

It's ok to be sad. It's good to grieve. And you're among people who do get it.

[starlein26]

Awww...we all get exactly how you feel. You're not alone. It's not a fun way to feel, but let yourself go all the way there. It seems that I come out feeling better when I go to those dark places and deeply explore the pain.

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by starlein26

It seems that I come out feeling better when I go to those dark places and deeply explore the pain.

Yes. Sometimes I just have to wallow for a while. And sometimes it seems like a trivial thing that sends me over the edge (my most recent was when my newest baby had a tongue tie and a palate issue, not really a big deal, but it felt like the weight of the world because Connor's issues take up all of my tolerance) So I had a few days of wallowing, self-pity, why me, etc.

I blog, and it helps a lot. I haven't been good about blogging lately, the new baby has made my life busier (of course) but when I do get to blog, it feels good.

I WOULD change Connor if I could. Absolutely. Of course I love him, I would never NOT have him. But I wish I could have him "normal".

[anj_rn]

I would definitely take away Alyssa's problems, and DS allergies & asthma, and my health issues as well. I deal with it well some days, and poorly on others. Some days I feel I can deal with anything and some days I feel like I am a horrible mommy and it is all my fault.

Right now I just am content if the good days outnumber the bad.

[PNWmama]

Oh gosh, I so know what you mean.

[Lilypie32]

I would take away my son's autism in an instant if I could. I love my lil guy but I am in constant fear and anxiety about what his futures holds. He is getting ready to transition to kindergarten next year and just had the annual IEP and I hate it. I just want a normal healthy boy. I don't want to be his teacher, his therapist, and his mom. I just want to be his mommy. Lately his aggression has been getting worse and the future worries me.

If one more person tells me God knew I could handle this or I must be a special mom to deal with all this crap...I swear I might snap.

I totally get how you feel.

[newmothermary]

I feel like I grieve SN everyday. I would give everything I have for Devon to walk and talk. To be able to play with her brother and for us to just "be" for a change. I worry sometime because I'm si resentful at times and I mourn the person that I was. I worry that I'll never be happy again.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

You know what gets me? It's the notion that parents of SN kiddos are, somehow, given a larger portion of courage/tolerance/grace/strength/whatever. You know, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I think that's total crap, and I'm really tired of hearing about how strong we're supposed to be. Partly because that would mean that VeeGee's (and all of your kiddo's) suffering was necessary or "meant to be" because I'm such a strong mom. Nu-Uh. Nope. I also think that saying that you wouldn't change a thing is kind of disingenuous, but it's what we're expected to say, for all of the reasons above. Maybe saying that you wouldn't have chosen to terminate even if you'd known is more to the point, I guess.

Fact is, it just feels unjust - like COSMICALLY UNJUST - sometimes. Sure, we don't sit around all day whining or mourning or whatever. Mostly because, well, we've got a whole bunch of stuff to do - in addition to the "just being a mom" stuff. And, yep, it feels overwhelming. Period. And then you just get up and do what you have to do.

So, when will you accept and enjoy it? Maybe never. I don't either accept or enjoy the fact that my daughter has suffered so much, or that her introduction into my life came with a ton of multi-leveled suffering. What I do do, though, is choose to be joyful about the rest of the package.

Now, to the guilt part. I do think you've just got to let that go. Your second daughter's life is going to be wonderful, and, to the extent that it's possible, so will your first daughter's. Different, yes. Less than? I doubt it has to be. And why would you feel guilty that dd2 is easier to raise. Facts are facts. Admitting them isn't guilt-worthy. It's honest. You've got the opportunity to show dd2 that having a difficult portion in life does not a bad life make.

[Birdie B.]

I know how you feel. Some days are easier, and I take delight in the tiny steps she makes toward progress, but the sadness never leaves completely.

[remonb]

I feel like you do almost on a daily basis. I feel guilty because I didn't take care of myself properly during my pregnancy (we were moving and I ate a lot of unhealthy things and I wasn't in the best shape, and I had just lost my first born). I love my daughter but if I could change anything I would take away her CP, her speech problem, and her inability to walk/run. She looks at other children and want to do the same thing they do but she can't and I just feel sorry for her knowing that she won't have the same experiences as my son or other normal children. I'm always doing things such as buying her clothes to make up for the sadness that I feel for her. She is about to be six but I'm always hoping that things will get better but I feel deep down inside they won't. So hugs to you and the other mommies out there that feel this way.

[kme]

((hugs)) to you! I am not one of those mothers who "wouldn't change a thing" (in fact I just blogged about this). I would ABSOLUTELY take away my son's challenges if I could. He would still be him without ASD or SPD or whatever it is that he has. He would still be him if he was NT. And his life would probably be a lot easier. Who doesn't want that for their child? I am all for autism acceptance but that doesn't mean if given a choice I would choose for my son to remain on the spectrum. I can't even fathom CHOOSING for your child to be SN if given a choice.

And I *personally* don't think God has anything to do with it. I have gotten the lines about "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and "He is a special little guy" and "You're doing such a great job. You are so special" and all the rest and my son is pretty mildly special needs so I can only imagine the garbage some of you get spewed at you!! I think it is just rotten bad luck. God did not give me or my son a "challenge". Who could think God would give a disability to a child?? When my friends say things about me being "special" and that they don't think they could handle it or whatever, my repsonse is that I wasn't given a choice and they would be doing the same things (going to therapy 4x/week, going to IEP meetings, following a sensory diet, following a cf diet, etc.) that I do every day if it was their kid. They could absolutely handle it, because they wouldn't be given a choice and neither was I. I didn't volunteer to have the "Special needs" kid in the class. It just happened that way.


Life is not fair, it is as simple as that.

[leavemealone]

I would take away the challenges my son has in terms of speech. It does make me sad when I hear about people who's children that are younger than my son say that their children are talking in sentences. Meanwhile, I've never heard him say the word "mama". He's a great little boy, but I do grieve that fact that he's so far behind his age group. I also worry that our younger boy has the same delays. I don't know what I will do if I have two children that have the same issues. I wonder why I did to cause it? What I could have done differently to prevent it? I know a lot of parents have those questions and the answer is usually 'nothing'. It's nothing the parents did or didn't do, but it's still a question I ask myself a lot.

[7callmemom]

Oh I sooooo get you.

One of my twins has CP and other challenges...can't even roll over on his own, while his twinnie has the run of the house. Sometimes I can't stand the 24 hour a day reminder of what Seth is missing out on. There should be wrestling matches in my living room floor, not tripping over freaking mobility equipment!

Of course if I hint at any of those feelings IRL, people think I despise my healthier twin...which is so off the mark. I love him and couldn't be prouder of him...of either of them.

It just sucks sometimes...

[mom2mygirls]

hugs I have been there myself many times but then all i have to do is look at Chloe and see her smile and I just melt. Chloe has taught me alot of things about myself.

[Adamsmama]

You are not alone. I spent a lot of time thinking the exact same way...hearing other people speak about not changing a thing and wondering why they wouldn't. I still don't totally get that, to be honest, I would take away his difficulties, challenges, pain. I will you tell you what I wish more people told me: It is totally normal to grieve. When my son was between 2-5 I had a lot of grieving to do. I feel like I've "accepted" him now -- challenges and all -- and don't think about the fact that he is "different" anymore. (((HUGS)))