Privacy of my 13 yr old

[mamahart]

This is a follow up to another thread about a mom who looked at her daughters FB account. I posted about my "quick check" on my 13 yr old DD's FB account and now I am really questioning whether I violated her privacy. I feel like I am very respectful of her need for space and privacy, sometimes I think I am too lax, letting her room get completely out of hand because that's "how she likes it" We have sort of just ended up with a situation where I know most or all of her passwords and sometimes I will ask her for one to check on this or that and she will shout it out to me from under her headphones...
We talk about trust and privacy a lot, she feels like her dad goes in her room without asking and that is a huge issue for her, he feels like getting the dishes out of her room is his perogative. I feel like she knows I check her accounts lightly and occasionally, but we have never really talked about it. I think I am sort of afraid she will say I can't at all, and I feel like I have to a little bit for her internet safety.
So, arrgghh, I'm a bit confused. I trust this kid so much, but she has asked me for help with some internet judgement errors and now I feel a little more protective...
What do y'all think?

[jdcmom]

I have a 13 yr old DS and one of the rules for allowing him to get a FB account was that I was to have the password and that I might check his account from time to time. Also, he is on my friends list. This was before I knew what FB was all about myself. Now that I am on it and can see his posts and his friends list I don't check his account often. Most of his posts and his friends post are innocent stuff so I'm not worried as much. If I notice a friend on his friends list that I do not know I ask him who that person is. He knows not to befriend anyone he doesn't know.
I don't check his cell phone at all. I have no idea who's calling him or texting him. He's a good kid and hasn't done anything to break my trust so I have no reason to not trust him.
However; the fact that he's a male may have something to do with it. I know it's a double standard and I should be just as concerned about his safety as I would my DD who is 9 yr. I think I am going to be more protective when my DD is 13.
I think if your DD asked you to help her regarding internet safety then it's not a problem. If she knows you are checking her account and gives you the password then she is giving you permission to look at it. I don't consider it snooping if she knows you are reading it.
Like I said...I wanted my son's password at first because I was new to FB and didn't know what it was all about. Now, I see it's pretty innocent and probably will let him change his password and I don't feel the need to know it.
I'm still going to keep him on my friends list. I can see what he posts on his wall and what comments he makes to others wall. I can also see his friends list. So, the only thing I'm missing is when his friends post and he doesn't comment on it. Most of his friends post are things like 'I'm bored' or 'I hate homework' and junk like that.

[mamahart]

For the record, I am friends with a lot of her friends on FB. This all feels a little absurd honestly I am having a bit of a FB freakout as it is deep winter here, we are very isolated and I feel like FB is stealing my husband and daughter from me with flippin Farmville and everything else.
I tell the little rascals to not swear, but my dd has pretty good "behaviour" on FB. It is really her only social outlet, we live extremely rurally and she is homeschooled. Many of her contacts are from a trip she took to Africa last year and went to school there for 4 months. So...I just want to be fair to her, and also parent well y'know?

[Linda on the move]

Going into her room is a BIG deal. It shows a complete lack of respect for her space. I believe that for kids this age, we should knock on the door and ask if we can come in.

[mamahart]

If she is in her room we always knock and ask- it's when she's not home that freaks her out. I honestly think she just needed a room makeover and was embarrassed by how crazy messy it was- we've spent 2 days so far changing her space to fit her growing needs. I don't think we ever need to go in her room without her permission honestly. I think I almost have my dh convinced of this.

[MusicianDad]

I would talk to her about this. Since it's her privacy. You can ask right out if she feels/would feel violated if you check her accounds.

I would also talk to your DH, getting the dishes might be his perogative, but it's still not a good enough reason to go into her room without asking. I would explain to him exactly what he is proving when he does that, that her personal space is not under her control, and what the potential effects of that are.

[mami to 3 :)]

My 14 yo has a FB, she has privacy settings onle her friends can view her pictures,etc.
Now I don't log in with her username and password to see what she's doing. I put myself in her place and I'll probably be pretty mad. I knock the door before entering her room, it's her space, her little "paradise" as she calls it.

I remember being 13 and my parents would go in my room without asking, saying that I was living under their roof and that privacy wasn't one of my rights

I don't check her cellphone either, actually she barely uses it. She texts her friends but that's all and about silly stuff really. The "i'm so bored", "wanna go out" things.