"You're hogging our grandson!" - Page 2

[Kim919]

Inlaws are the ultimate PITA. Avoidance is the only tool I've found effective.

[Adallae]

Originally Posted by Kim919

Inlaws are the ultimate PITA. Avoidance is the only tool I've found effective.

I think we married the same family. I think you're doing the right thing; the separation anxiety is a tough phase.

[mariekitt24]

one thing I've learned over the years is that even if no one agrees with me sometimes, I can trust my gut about things. If Im feeling upset by something, it's probably for a good reason. I think you have every right to feel bothered by what happened.

no one, not even grandparents have the right to tell you how to parent your children. You need to do what you feel comfortable with and they are just going to have to accept it.

FIL has a lot of nerve telling you what to do with your own child. and he needs to stop talking like he owns the kid and you're just the babysitter, I think he's forgetting who the real parents are.

[Climbergirl]

My MIL actually said to me (when they had DS for a couple of days - he is not high needs), "since you have come back, he wants nothing to do with me! (while crying)". Seriously.

Grandparents have expectations and sometimes our kids do not comply with them. You need to respect what your child's needs are. Because that teaches him to respect his OWN needs when he is older. If I don't want to be around someone, I try to move away. If someone forced me, I would 1) be very mad at them and 2) would probably used physical force to get away. Why is it so strange for a baby to do the same and why is that not considered normal? I know lots of shy people who do just fine in the world.

Smile and say you are working on it. That has been my line for a while now with my inlaws.

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks again everyone!!!

I'm not looking to sever ties with them or anything... although they can be difficult, all in all they are good people & I do want DS to have a relationship with his grandparents! But reading all your responses definitely confirms that I'm not doing something terrible & wrong, just responding to DS in his needs.

I guess just like it's been hard for me to adjust to the fact that DS is high-needs & to let go of the way I always imagined it would be to have a baby, they need to come to terms with it as well. I don't really blame them for struggling with it & from their position it's probably easier to blame me than to accept that DS is just different than other babies! But that doesn't mean I need to compromise on my position & I will continue to put DS's needs first!! Thank you for all the support!

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by AuntLavender

Be thankful your FIL wants to be involved in his grandson's life! Neither my father nor my FIL are involved at all.

Surely you can reach a gracious compromise? I don't agree with making a crying baby have to be held by someone he doesn't want to be held by but it would be awesome to find some way for him to get to know his family.

Sincerely,
Debra, homeschooling mom of 4 ages 13, 12, 10, and 6

I wouldn't take the desire for a closer grandparent/grandchild relationship for granted, nor would I wait several years to foster it. Clearly Debra and I are in the minority, but I think you should find a way to meet your son's needs AND the needs of his grandparents, who clearly love him and want to have a closer relationship. This doesn't have to mean handing off a crying baby for long periods of time - it can mean playing with him together on the floor, or letting Grandpa handle mealtime while you sit nearby and chat. While separation anxiety at this age is certainly very normal, it is also an age when kids start to pick up on and understand that they can trust people that their parents trust. In your shoes I might let DS cry for 2.5 minutes with Grandpa while you run to the bathroom - it shows DS that you are OK with Grandpa and that you trust him, AND that you'll ALWAYS come back.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

I wouldn't take the desire for a closer grandparent/grandchild relationship for granted, nor would I wait several years to foster it. Clearly Debra and I are in the minority, but I think you should find a way to meet your son's needs AND the needs of his grandparents, who clearly love him and want to have a closer relationship. This doesn't have to mean handing off a crying baby for long periods of time - it can mean playing with him together on the floor, or letting Grandpa handle mealtime while you sit nearby and chat. While separation anxiety at this age is certainly very normal, it is also an age when kids start to pick up on and understand that they can trust people that their parents trust. In your shoes I might let DS cry for 2.5 minutes with Grandpa while you run to the bathroom - it shows DS that you are OK with Grandpa and that you trust him, AND that you'll ALWAYS come back.

LOL I'm not sure I really do trust him... which I'm sure is part of the problem!!! I have no problem with him playing on the floor with DS but he never does, he tends to hang out in a different room & just leave me & DS to play alone. DS doesn't eat much in terms of solids so mealtime is not an option (plus after seeing FIL trying to force-feed him a cracker while DS was turning away & screaming, I wouldn't trust him there either!) And I would never ever ever leave him with FIL if I'm not in the room... I do not think he is a bad person, he's very nice, but I do not agree with his parenting style & I don't trust him not to hurt DS. I know that sounds weird but I just can't shake an uneasy feeling & even DH said he would not leave DS with FIL unattended. I guess if FIL made more effort (got down on the floor & played with DS etc.) I might build a little more trust in him... but I HAVE been trying to let him hold DS. I give DS a cracker or something (which I hate doing but it's in the name of a better relationship with the grandparents!) so that FIL can hold him for a minute or two. Ughhh I just don't know how to explain my discomfort. I have a hard time reconciling conflicting desires -- for DS to have a relationship with his grandpa & for grandpa to have absolutely no influence on my child.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

Me personally - I would visit even less often if they insulted my parenting choices like that! I think you're doing great! Your son is attached to the people he needs to be - his parents! It's your right & responsibility to "hog" him.

I'd have a very hard time spending any time with people like that.

Our families never made comments like that. My MIL was pretty sensitive to the fact that our children had their preferences. My dd acted like she was afraid of FIL for the first two years (he is a big man and a lot darker than my dh); we figured they would grow out of it, which they did. I started leaving ds with MIL for short visits when I was pregnant with dd; dh was in school several days a week and I was exhausted. Dd would not even tolerate me leaving her with dh, so I could go grocery shopping, until she was 2.5; she would just cry the whole time. Now they will happily stay with any of our near relations.

It may have to do with several generations of formula feeding and the increase in out of the home care for babies. Many people seem to think that because babies can be fed formula and left in the care of others, that this is the definitive norm and we must do or our children will not develop properly.

I don't think your ils are necessarily unusual in their attitudes but that doesn't mean that they are right.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Kim919

Inlaws are the ultimate PITA. Avoidance is the only tool I've found effective.

Yep, I moved very far away from mine.

[Cetan Luta]

First I will say it sounds like FIL is acting childish about his desire to interact with Grandson, while putting little effort into helping the situation. By blaming it on the parents, grandparents get to ignore the things about themselves which contribute to the problem. Maybe next time (if you can ignore FIL rudeness) you could suggest to him some of the ways HE can help the situation?

DS2 Hated MIL, and gave her dirty looks any time he saw her (even when a tiny infant). I think he was picking up on the negativity she held towards DH. He still (age 5) is much more particular about people and their vibes than DS1, and still doesn't like MIL, but tolerates her much more nicely now.
I found a PP suggestion of putting up pictures of the Grandparents extremely helpful. By compiling an extended family photo album and talking about them regularly, DS2 took much less time to warm up to the folks we had pictures of, as he identified them as "friends" that mom and dad talk about rather than complete strangers. Also great at Christmas time, when we can associate the gifts with the actual faces that sent them. Like I said, DS2 is still very sensitive to different peoples "energy", and avoids those he doesn't like (which I think is a good thing), but patience, preparation, and not pushing anything he doesn't want (socially) has made things much easier. HTH

[AislinCarys]

First off I'll say that DD is now a very out-going almost 2-year old - the most confident child, I'd say, both at music and play group. She'll sit in the leaders lap, sings along to songs loudly and is very keen to talk to and connect to both other kids and mums (with lots of cuddling, particularly the kids).

At 12 months she still wouldn't leave my side at home, and stayed in my lap when out. Very, very attatched.

She wouldn't let anyone except DH and me hold her until she was almost 1. MIL lived right nearby, but DD wouldn't go to her. In the earliest months she really just wanted to be in my arms, at the breast 24/7. She is high needs, and was much more so when little. She would just howl and throw herself around if she wasn't happy.

MIL said "I don't mind if she cries" (in the most helpful and loving sense), to which I replied "But I do". So DH explained that DD prefered to connect with people by seeing them, something she best could do by sitting in my (or his) lap. And she did, she loved to be talked to. MIL accepted that.

We moved when DD was 16 months old. 2 months later MIL came to visit. She brought a book for DD, and when DD saw it she climbed up in MIL's lap and settled down for her story! Your son will probably connect to his grandparents, as he gets a bit older. But I think it takes a bit longer if they don't try to play with him (MIL doesn't, my parents do).

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Kim919

Inlaws are the ultimate PITA. Avoidance is the only tool I've found effective.

Same. So glad I'm divorced and don't have to deal with their passive aggressive garbage anymore.

My ex-inlaws started the 'We need ALONE time to BOND properly' bandwagon when my oldest dd was TWO weeks old.

Needless to say, the first time they had ANY unsupervised time with dd was when she was FIVE years old.

My ex-inlaws were untrustworthy at best, and devious to boot.

[sugarlumpkin]

Hey, I'd be hurt too, but here's my advice, from the heart.

Blow it off. People say stupid things. (Goodness knows I have!) People say stuff that comes out completely differently than how they intended those things to sound. Pretend you never heard it and behave that way. Keep doing exactly what you've been doing--falling into a natural pattern and doing what is best for your child.

Seriously. Give yourself a break. Put it aside and forget that is was said.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by sugarlumpkin

Hey, I'd be hurt too, but here's my advice, from the heart.

Blow it off. People say stupid things. (Goodness knows I have!) People say stuff that comes out completely differently than how they intended those things to sound. Pretend you never heard it and behave that way. Keep doing exactly what you've been doing--falling into a natural pattern and doing what is best for your child.

Seriously. Give yourself a break. Put it aside and forget that is was said.

Yes I think that's the direction I'm leaning. It really touched a nerve & I wanted to make sure I wasn't totally wrong & off-base, but now that I know that I'm probably not, I'm just not going to worry about it. He could have been joking. And if he was serious then he will have to bring it up to me & DH and have a real conversation about it, not just make off-handed comments in front of all my other family & friends... I am trying hard to just put it out of my mind Though I might make DS a photo album or put a few pics on the fridge anyway 'cause I do like that idea!

[Anandamama]

I think what you describe is pretty common for a 1 yo. Glad that you are sticking to what you feel is right to nurture your child. Just want to add that my good friend had a child who was very attached and anxious and had (has) very firm boundaries for what she's comfortable with. My friend always gave many options for how her daughter might connect with others. A hug and a kiss might now be comfortable for her, but a high five or blowing kisses, or a pat might be okay. The GPs were not always satisfied, but at least the mom was making an effort, the child felt comfortable with whatever expressions of affection were happening, and yes, by age 4 she was very loving and affectionate with her grands. (Though she always stands her ground about her own boundaries and comfort level, which may not be a bad thing!)

[MusicianDad]

"You're hogging our grandson!"

Because of that my response would have been "Excuse me? You think have like a right to hold him or something?"

By the way, I would not force a young child to deal with interactions that truely upset them. It's really not fair to violate a one year olds comfort zone to make grandma and grandpa feel better.

[chipper26]

I didn't read the other posts but had to comment. My dd is very attached also and I do not let her cry with other people either. If she doesn't want to be with them, I don't force it.

She often cries when dh tries to pick her up. She is hot and cold with my mom, but only sees her about every 2 months. It takes her awhile to warm up to Grandma and Grandpa, but we stay for days rather than hours b/c they live far away... so that helps. My mom is also very good with babies.

I'm getting to the point where I don't really care what people/family thinks. If they don't really understand your LO or what goes on behind the scenes, they may make judgements. Also, if they don't agree with your parenting style... more judgement. So, you do what you know is right and let the chips fall where they may, even though it's hard.

Plus, the whole "hogging" thing is ridiculous. He's your son! Your baby!

Good luck.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by chipper26

She often cries when dh tries to pick her up.

OK this right here puts everything in perspective for me. My DS is the same way with my DH. He loves him so much & he's warmed up to him a lot & even reaches out for him now but there are still many times when he just wants mommy. I'm not always able to accommodate but we try to respect what DS wants. DH has never once complained about this -- and he is DS's FATHER, he DOES have a right to hold him!! But DH knows making DS cry just so he can be satisfied doesn't do either of them any good in the long run.