Jeannine Parvati Baker is who inspired me to think about it as well! I have been very influenced by her since I was about 18 ( I am now 36). Also I saw her speak in 1999 at a conference and have a tape of the lectureI saw which is about freebirth. I listened to it many times over the years- but interestingly not since I have been pregnant as I haven't had a tapedeck that works recently. I just tonight pulled out the lecture tape and am going to find a tape deck to listen to it on.
Okay- here is my long process of thoughts and emotions at the moment- just processing it all!
I am still figuring out if doing it for my first birth feels more safe and comfortable for me or if using the midwives does. I have already paid the midwives- months ago. So it is really a matter of what feels most safe for me.
I feel on some levels that I want to have the midwives available if I need them, which I will as I have already signed on with and paid them. But on another level, I am feeling some tension with the midwives right now in terms of how much I would want them in my intimate space. I am also feeling some emotional stuff with them (mostly around support- do I even want their support yet I feel they are not giving the support I want kind of thing .)
Also another thing I am feeling right now is the feeling of going with my instinct and trusting versus educating myself on specifics or having someone there to hold a safe space. I don't know- just working it out.
Like, on one level it feels more comfortable to me to have the midwives there- at least at some of it- to assist with supporting me and making sure things are well, and helping if issues arise. This feels supportive as it iis one less thing for me to hold- and could free me up to relax more into the experience. But really that only feels so for the fear based issues that could arise. It feels less safe and open and trusting for me to have the midwives there in a way because I am not so close and open and trusting with them.
On the other hand, I do not feel that spiritually or sexually intimate with my midwives. And I very much do with my husband who is just so with me. So on an ideal level, I like to see myself allowing the fullest expression of my love and birth and family in my most trusted and private space.
Yet- on another level I feel more relaxed with the midwives available.
But on the other hand my truest self feels most relaxed when alone with my husband.
And then if I do UC the ultimate way I see it is to trust my instinct and stop getting too nitpicky with instructions and particulars.
So my feeling is- which is the best way for me to relax in my birth? If I just go with my instinct, is it then safer for me to have the midwives there to deal with any practical issues that could arise that I wouldn't know about?
Or can I actually go with my instincts and not know too much technical stuff and be safe and fine and instinctual.
And the ultimate thing is- I don't really know what birth will be. I know my body and I know my emotiions and instincts, and that if my body can grow an entire baby then it certainly knows how to give birth!
But even today I mentioned to 2 different people about how I might do the birth just me and my dh , and each had a story about how it was actually really good that the midwives were present as-
one had a cord wrapped 3 times around the neck and the midwives knew just how to free it
and the other took a while to get breathing and the midwives knew just what to do.
So- these are the thoughts in my head about this!
Which prompts me back to my original question and thanks for letting me process this! I am 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow.
One thing I have to add is that I don't feel particularly anxious about my decision- it is just the things that are coming up for me as I consider my ways of approaching it. BAsically- will I want the mw's there or not- but these are the reasons I am considering, and I feel lately like I do want the midwives there as it will make me feel safer.
Yet I find myself not liking them right now! And on a big level I don't want them there!
And I am just Loving my husband- who will obviously be there either way.
So that is my process I am considering.
I may edit this all out as I may feel over exposed!