Need some advice, 39 weeks pregnant and dealing with a depressed husband!!

[Allie16]

Hi, I'm 39 weeks pregnant and it's been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. This is my 3rd child and it was totally unplanned. My husband has not been very supportive so far and also he is depressed!! I don't know how to deal with him, since I already tried talking to him so many times and he changes for 2 days then he's back to his depression. The worst thing is that he's depressed because of his job, and I don't get it, how his work can be so important to put his family aside?

I feel so sad and alone at this time and don't know what to do, he ignores me most of the time, he comes home hugs the kids play with them, I barely get a hello kiss and he doesn't even ask me how I'm feeling. His moods are really affecting me since he goes from been normal to starting a fight or yelling at the kids for a stupid thing.

There are moments that I wish I could get my things and go since it's so hurtful to be ignored and treated like this by the man I love. I don't know if I'm been selfish, but at this time, I just feel I can't manage his depression, his moods, his comments... Last night he woke up in the middle of the night crying, I just stood by him, offered a tea, a sleeping pill, hugged him and even today I sent him an e-mail saying how much I love him and that I want to support him, he didn't even answer me.

I don't know why he has to treat me like this. His sister is visiting to help and today she was preparing his lunch (normally I do this) she offered to put some dressing on his rice and he said very nicely to her, don't worry, sit and rest you have been working so hard today!!!!!!!!!! What!!! He never says anything like this to me and today I washed his clothes and put them away even with contractions and back pain!!! I feel so dissapointed and so scared, how am I going to handle labor and postpartum with him.

What make my life more sad is that my mom passed away 10 years ago and my Dad follows m husband patterns, he never calls or cares how I'm doing. I feel so alone and hopeless and don't know where to find support in this rough times....

[ledzepplon]

That must be so hard for your entire family. Does your dh acknowledge that he's depressed, and is he open to seeing a medical professional? Depression is an illness, and it shouldn't go untreated. Huge hugs to you mama. I hope you can all get the support you need right now.

[Theia]

I was there once during my DD's pregnancy. In my case it turned out he was more than simply depressed. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. I didn't realize it at first. It seems like he (your DH) has a cycle and there were a few other things in your post that triggered me to think this may be more than simple depression. I pray that it is not abuse. Just inform yourself about his behaviors (what is and isn't verbally and emotionally abusive behavior) and honor yourself and how you feel. If this is a longterm situation I would be even more concerned. Please look into counseling for yourself and see if he will seek help also. You shouldn't have to live like that and while you are pregnant too.

[IAMommy]

Is he the sole income-earner? Is the arrival of a third child causing him a lot of stress and making him feel very trapped in a job he hates? My DH hates his job and it shows, but he is stuck there until our next DS arrives and we can get other insurance and he can quit to run his own business. He yells about dumb things too, and it's all b/c of the job.
Is a job change a possibility for your husband?
Is he the sort that would get professional help?
Is part of the problem Seasonal Affective Disorder? This has been a very bad winter for most of the country.
Does he exercise?
Is he blaming you for this child on the way? The episode with his sister makes me wonder....
I hope that you and he can get this straightened out. Do you have a close friend who you can depend on during labor? It might be better if he is not there with all of his negativity.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find some support.

[lisko15]

I also just wanted to send a . I was dealing with a very similar situation when PG with my DD. My now XH, but "D"H at the time, was very depressed and a little manic, and his job did play a big role. He actually ended up quitting the dreaded job when I was 36 weeks PG. Which was wonderful, since he carried our health insurance. (I was able to extend through COBRA, but only with $ help from family and friends.)

With depression, often they think that if one thing changes it will make everything else better. It doesn't, but they hold onto that hope. So, since he's blaming his job for making him depressed, he probably thinks being able to change it would make everything better.

I don't really have any perfect advice. Reach out to friends or other family that you have nearby - you'll need their help.

With my XH there were good days, not so good days, and really awful days - I remember sitting in the garage with DD one evening because she was sick and continued to cry, but I knew it was really getting on his nerves. Its not fun to live on "eggshells" like that.

If he is open to treatment, seeing a psychiatrist (a real medical doctor, not just a therapist) who can manage a medicine regimen could really be helpful. My XH never could continue with this route - and eventually when DD was 6 months we did separate.

I hope you can work this out, and DH can get healthy, for the benefit of the whole family!!!!

[jecombs]

If he is open to it, you might want to make him a dr.'s appt. to talk about going on some meds. See if he will let you accompany him to the appt. My DH takes meds for ADHD and when he doesn't take them, he get very depressed and anxious (and hard to live with). Just sayin' the right meds can make a world of difference. I took Wellbutrin for many years and it really helped me manage my anxiety, until I was able to learn to manage it without the med.

[RedOakMomma]

If your husband is resistant to meds, I would go for therapy. Therapy is more effective anyway...there have been some studies done on this...in most normal depressions, meds won't really get you anywhere without some solid therapy to back it up. Personally, I've seen far too many family members and friends start popping pills rather than deal with their issues, and it doesn't work well that way. The issues never go away, and so neither do the meds, and over time the meds don't work at patching up all the life's troubles that are caused by having persistent issues to deal with. Bad cycle.

Dh and I started going to therapy together when our ds3 was a newborn. We took the baby with us so I could nurse him if needed. It worked out very well, and we're so much happier today.

If your husband is open to it, I would start doing something to address both his depression and the strain your marriage. Good luck! It's worth the work.

[chirp]

hugs to you momma.

my dh was depressed for ds...it was terrible.

no physical affection, no affection period. no helping around the house. more than the occasional argument. i wouldn't wish that on ANY pregnant woman.

i agree that the first thing your DH needs to do is acknowledge that he is depressed. my dh is not the type to get help...but just hearing him acknowledge that he was depressed and that IT WASN'T ME...was helpful. Also, let him know that his depression is really effecting you. That you love him, but life is harder when he's not feeling that love or returning it.

Secondly...i think you really should just be worrying about you and your soon-to-be-munchkin. Do what you need to do to feel good. Be prepared for the birth. Continue to inform him of his responsibilities, and how you'll need him to be there for you, this way he is prepared, even if he's not ecstatic. (although for real, i bet he'll be ecstatic once baby is really on the way )

I doubt he's gonna break out of this funk before the birth of your child. But just please keep in mind that right now his depression CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be your priority. I remember the hurt. I know it's hard. To feel rejected and exhausted, and even scared about the future of your family.

But things will get better. Especially if after your focus on your birth is completed, you can convince him to get help, or begin taking steps to help himself.

[SamuraiMom]

I am in a similar situation, in that I am at 37 weeks and dealing w/ someone who is emotionally erratic, but I have no advice only 's. It's an emotional roller coaster never knowing what kind of mood he will be in and it is too much stress for a pregnant mama. Long deep breaths mama, it may be better to wait until after you have had your LO to tackle this situation head on. For now just look for support from friends and family.