advice???

[angieluvsramon]

So my husband and I recieved a phone call from the school today...apparently my 13 yr old s/d was got a refferal from the bus driver for vandalism...I guess she stuck gum on the camera on the bus.

Now she is the typical teenage girl, I guess...talks back,lies and thinks she knows everything but to me this is pretty major. Me and my husband are having a dissagreement on what her punishment should be

He wants to take away all priviledges and just have her sit in her room for days and thats fine but I also think that she should either have to write a 3 page essay on vandelism and/or write the bus driver a apology note...also I think that she should have to do some community work so she can see how it feels to have to clean up after kids that do things like this.

Also this is not the first time she has gotten in trouble on the bus. She may be getting kicked off for this! If that happens she is sol and will have to walk to and from school which is a good 4-5 miles cuz we have 1 vehicle and daddy needs it for work.

So what do you guys think a good punishment would be?

[doulatara]

I like the idea of the apology letter (or even better in person apology and conversation with the bus driver if that seems feasible, I think it can often be more difficult for people to look someone in the eye and apologize rather than write a letter) and community service.

I don't know what is typical for 13 because my daughter is 10, but the lying would bother me a lot as a parent.

[angieluvsramon]

the lying definitly does bother me. We have been having so many problems with her lately....When her dad is gone she talks back to me, cusses at me and hits my 3 babies (4,2 and 1) I just dont know how to handle her at all! man this is hard!! lol

[kathymuggle]

Have you asked her why she asks this way? You may have to ask more than once.....

I think 13 is a very hard age (13-15 were the worst years of my life) and she is turning her angst outwards rather than inwards.

My son has a friends who was making a lot of poor choices. It really was a cry for attention. His parent clued in, he got the attention and is now on a more even keel. I am not saying this is what is going on - just one of the options about what is going on.

As per consequences - is she walking or biking distance to school? That may be a good natural consequence. I also think an apology is in order if she means it.

FWIW - I do not actually consider the gum as bad as the lying or hitting.

[Ornery]

My 14 yo ds has had a rough year. He's a really good kid but he has been acting out in VERY small ways to get negative attention. Just little things that he knows really push our buttons. It took us a bit to realize what he was doing. Once we did, we recentered and started really focusing on positive attention for him. While he still gets in trouble for his misbehavior (usually him being disrespectful or picking on his little sister and brother), my Dh and I are trying very hard to focus positive attention on him. He seems to be responding really well. Our relationship is opening up in ways that I never thought it could.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by angieluvsramon

Now she is the typical teenage girl, I guess...talks back,lies and thinks she knows everything but to me this is pretty major. ....When her dad is gone she talks back to me, cusses at me and hits my 3 babies (4,2 and 1)

This is a hard age, but I think that what you describe goes beyond *typical* behavoir. If she stuck with not wanting to spend time with you except to tell you that she doesn't like your clothes, that would be normal.

She's sounds very angry and very out of control. Have you considered family therapy?

Your family dynamic sounds difficult. Was she an only child until she was 9? Have you re-married?

Rather than trying to figure out how to punish her, I'd try to figure out why she is so angry and then do something about it. Having her apologize is a nice idea, but it isn't going to get to the root of the problem.