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So upset

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
Last night my husband and mom informed me that if I had anymore children they would be a c-section. I couldn't respond. I was too upset. We went home shortly after that and DH knew I was upset about something. I started crying and told him I didn't want anymore kids if I had to have a c-section. He hugged me and I cried. I told him how awful it was. I couldn't even explain it. I cried some more and told him it seemed like it was my fault and the blame was on me. Because my daughter lived (just barely) he thinks I shouldn't be scared. Shes fine and there were no lasting problems. He thinks my next csection won't be so bad if I just go straight to it and skip the 12 hours of labor.
I was so upset. I couldn't sleep and stayed up all night. I realized he didn't listen to a thing I said. Does he honestly think that my fear over something 3 years ag would go away with one crappy statement??

Right now I'm ready to sell the baby crib and make him an appt for a vasectomy!
post #2 of 32

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/6/11 at 8:32am
post #3 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
WTF????

They informed you???
My EXACT words when I read this. EXACT.
post #4 of 32


No one has the right to "inform" you how you will birth your children!
post #5 of 32
It really bothers me that they ganged up on you that way, not to mention how inappropriate it is to talk to another adult about a choice only they can make regarding their OWN BODY.
post #6 of 32
Thread Starter 
They didn't really gain up on me. It was just the natural course of the conversation. And they honestly all think that a c-section will be safer for me and a baby.

However they don't know what it was like for me. They don't know how I feel about it today. I will admit I have not expressed my feelings about my c-section. Its still too upsetting to discuss it. They think they know what is best for me without doing any research on it.

I have too many problems having birth. I dont' see how I can have another baby when I get such lack of support. My husband and mom are my best friends but I know they won't listen. I guess I don't talk to them much about it because I know they won't listen.
post #7 of 32
Thread Starter 
I guess I should add that my OB told them that any other babies I have will be a c-section at 38 weeks. He told them this before I was even out of recovery. Thats why they think its my only option.
post #8 of 32
Maybe it would help you to focus on working through your emotions regarding your last birth before discussing any future births? Just let them know that you don't want to discuss future pregnancies as you're still trying to deal with your last birth. Maybe that would also open the door for them to start to understand that your baby's birth was traumatic for you & you're not "over" it? They sound like they aren't at all informed on the issue & definitely don't understand how difficult the c/s was for you. I know what you mean by "they won't listen" but they also won't ever even begin to understand where you're coming from if you don't talk about it. Even a simple, "I don't want to talk much about it, I'll see a therapist when I'm ready, but I do want you to understand that this was very difficult for me." Something on that idea.
post #9 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
WTF????

They informed you??? They don't have the bleeping right to tell you anything about what you get to do or don't get to do with your body. That is way over the top. Saying, "We think you should have a c-section next time" while likely hurtful is at least acknowledging your autonomy about your body. They can't inform you of what you will or won't do. That's entirely up to you. And quite frankly, if that were my husband, I probably would have told him that either he doesn't go home that night or I don't go home that night, but that we're not spending the same night under the same roof. I don't get told what to do and what not to do with my body. Consider suggestions and advice? Sure. Take his feelings into consideration? Absolutely. But in the end, it will be me making any decisions and his choice will be to support that decision or not support that decision, but if it's the latter, then he doesn't get to be there for the birth. Period.

I am so angry for you. I just can't imagine being double teamed like that!
wow if i were you I would have gone off on them. What right do they have over my body? even if a c-section is safer its YOUR choice along with considering what your OB tells you. No one can put that demand on you, not even your dr... thats just crazy.
post #10 of 32
So bummed to read this!!!
Seriously though, you NEED to have your mom and husband talk to the midwife. My husband was ok with me having a homebirth but still a bit concerned but once we had the first consultation with her he was on board. He was so impressed with her. I would definetly send her a email and let her know the situation and see if she would be willing to talk with them.
Or if they are totally against the homebirth, have you tried talking to another Dr? Maybe another Dr will be more open to a Vbac. . i know you mentioned that Dr hoffman was more natural minded maybe you could ask him?
Thinking about you!!
post #11 of 32
Thread Starter 
I've decided to go with a homebirth with Jennifer. I know Max and the best way to convince him is to get him to talk to a person about it. I can tell him fact after fact and he wouldn't believe it. If he talks to Jennifer, I'm sure he would be convinced. I am tempted to ask to meet with her before we TTC though. Once I get Max on my side my family will have to deal with our choice.
post #12 of 32
I would ask her. She has appointments in washington every monday so I dont know if max could get off work or not but I would try.
post #13 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by SashaBear View Post
I guess I should add that my OB told them that any other babies I have will be a c-section at 38 weeks. He told them this before I was even out of recovery. Thats why they think its my only option.
If you don't mind my asking, what is he basing this on? (I don't have enough background on your story to know. If you posted it, just let me know where).
post #14 of 32
Thread Starter 
He thinks I grow too big of babies to push them out. My first was 8'4 and I had to have vacuum extraction. My second was 8'15 and she never engaged into the pelvis. Since most doctors don't believe malpositioning affects labor, he thinks my babies are too big. Even if I risked out of midwifery, I wouldn't go back to him. Too many bad memories of my c-section.
At my PP appointment I argued with him and he agreed to a VBAC.
post #15 of 32
I personally, being a hbac prego mom, think most of the preparation for a HBAC or VBAC starts before TTC. I interviewed 9 different midwives before deciding. My husband is very supportive of HBAC, but if he wasn't, I'd have had him go to every interview with me. Our son was 9-8 at birth. I think most moms who carry babies to full term are going to have babies bigger than 7 lbs or so. MOST. OBs think an 8.5lb baby is huge because they are used to inducing early, or CS at 38 weeks like you mentioned.

There is a lot of literature out there, and a lot of it is great for dads to read. The Birth Partner is a great book, also, Birth After Cesarean is a wonderful book that is broken up in little sections. If you leave it in the bathroom, have him read a section or two when he goes in there and he'll have it read in no time! lol!

I would highly recommend hiring a Doula. My hubby wasn't the best labor support at our son's birth, and I felt like that had a lot to do with why we had to have a cs. A good Doula will support you AND hubby.

Also, just wanted to let you know, the main reason most babies have trouble "fitting through the pelvis" and have to have vacuum and/or forceps in the hospital is due to the position they have moms birth in. I wrote a little about it on a blog entry, check it out, it really gave me encouragement on birthing "big babies" (ruthphilphy.blogspot.com) it's titled "pelvimitry". Your body is not going to grow a baby bigger than you can birth (only in very very very rare cases) it's against our natural survival instincts, and against logic. Some don't agree with that, but I know too many cases that prove against the common CPD people talk about.

Much Love!
post #16 of 32
So your OB is basically calling for a cesarean for suspected macrosomnia ("big baby").

I'm going to say something harsh but true: He's being unethical. Ethically, he is obligated to stay on top of the research and let it guide his practice. So let's see what the actual research has to say:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15166859
http://www.springerlink.com/content/r3445h7836303110/
http://www.lamaze.org/LinkClick.aspx...id=120&mid=566

From the American Academy of Family Physicians:

Quote:
Elective cesarean section for suspected macrosomia results in a high number of unnecessary procedures . . .
Not even the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists condones the practice:

Quote:
. . . . randomized clinical trial results have not shown the clinical effectiveness of prophylactic cesarean delivery when any specific estimated fetal weight is unknown. Results from large cohort and case-control studies reveal that it is safe to allow a trial of labor for estimated fetal weight of more than 4,000 g. Nonetheless, the results of these reports, along with published cost-effectiveness data, do not support prophylactic cesarean delivery for suspected fetal macrosomia with estimated weights of less than 5,000 g (11 lb), although some authors agree that cesarean delivery in these situations should be considered.
post #17 of 32
Oh boy. I obviously don't know you or your family members, but I still wish they'd speak to you more respectfully. If they don't know how you feel about your cesarean, maybe they don't realize how insensitive they are being. I think speaking with a homebirth midwife is a good idea, but a more informal setting might be good. A meeting sounds like it could get confrontational, especially if your husband isn't very informed about natural childbirth. Do you know someone you could invite to dinner? Are there homebirth meet-ups or some other sort of function where you could run into someone?

Not that my experience has any real bearing on your future, but after having a cesarean for CPD (supposedly baby too large) with my 8lb. 9 oz. baby. I had a lovely HBAC with a 10lb. baby. Her head, even molded was a 1/2 inch larger in circumfrence that her older sister's.

Good luck in communicating with your family. I hope any future birthing you do is joyful.
post #18 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by SashaBear View Post
Right now I'm ready to sell the baby crib and make him an appt for a vasectomy!
Appointment? You can do that at home, by yourself. Check your local feed store, its just a gun that snaps bands around the...
post #19 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye_bebe View Post
Appointment? You can do that at home, by yourself. Check your local feed store, its just a gun that snaps bands around the...
post #20 of 32
Thread Starter 
LOL BuckeyeBabe. Our doctor did his himself!

Austin-I agree! With both babies I had pitocin and was tethered to the bed. I had an epidural with both kids because I couldn't handle the pain and restrictions. With my DD(the csection) I had my epidural turned off, but I was still in bed. I think instincts told me to get out of bed and I did. Unfortunately they had already given some major drugs and told me to get back in bed before I collapsed. I keep thinking if I had just gotten out of bed and done some squats and such she would have engaged.

I think if I had had a doula things would have turned out better. I've learned that my husband and I are not a great birth team. He will do anything I tell him to do but I can't think enough as of what I need. I need someone who can think clearly and instinctly know what I need during labor. Plus someone to suggest different positions. I havent decided yet if I'll need a doula and midwife.
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