2-2-5-5 schedule?

[muse]

right now we alternate weekend fri-sun, and ex has kids tues night. that's not working for either of our work schedules and we both want 50/50. we sat through 2.5. hrs of mediation on monday and he said he can never have the kids 2 nights in a row in the week because of his work schedule, so we got really stuck and somehow i ended up agreeing to a schedule that i hate. kids with him mon and wed and every other fri-sat-sun. it's TOO much back and forth and not at all what i had wanted. to i wrote to him immediately and said i was not happy with this, and that i would propose an alternative.

it seems the 2-2-5-5- schedule is pretty standard and it would fit my work needs much better and provide much more stability for the kids. it will break my heart to be away from them 5 days but then i will have good chunks of time with them instead of so much back and forth. it gives me options to increase work hrs which i need. it will be up to him to figure out his work schedule around it but it seems the days he doesn't have the kids he can work longer hrs to make it work...

so i've written up a proposal that i want to send today but before i do, anyone else have this schedule or tried it? pros and cons???

[NolaRiordan]

No advice, but I'm curious about this too. I also proposed that to X and he said no. What we have now is 2-2-3-2-2-3, so it is a LOT of switching. We've been doing that for over a year now.

[Goodmom2008]

To be honest, I think the 2-2-5 is too much back and forth, as well. Personally, I wouldn't agree to 50/50 until the kids are old enough to handle a week on week off schedule. Less back and forth that way.

And if you can't get your stbx to agree to the 2-2-5 schedule, the court is going to go with the status quo. Which is what you are doing now.

[muse]

I'm not going to do the week on and week off, it doesn't work at all with either of our jobs and i think they are much too young (8 & 4). This is the next best i could come up with.

[chrissy]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008

To be honest, I think the 2-2-5 is too much back and forth, as well. Personally, I wouldn't agree to 50/50 until the kids are old enough to handle a week on week off schedule. Less back and forth that way.

I agree. As a child who grew up in a 50/50 split, I would avoid it if at all possible.

[MissLotus]

Does it have to be exactly 50/50... is your ex insisting on that? Do you both work nights or something? Alternative ideas would be easier with a bit of a clearer picture of the type of work schedules you're trying to work around. I might not be understanding but it sounds like what you're proposing is about as much back & forth as what was agreed upon in mediation... I'm not much of a fan of that for kids, myself...

[doubledutch]

if 2-2-5-5 means, 2 days with dad, 2 with mom, 5 with dad, 5 with mom - then that is way less shuffling around than:

weekend at mom's
1 day at dad's (monday)
1 day at mom's (tuesday)
1 day at dad's (wednesday)
1 day at mom's (thursday)
weekend at dad's

now that would be followed by a slightly more stable week, because the monday (at dad's) would follow the weekend at dad's and the thursday (At mom's) would lead into the next weekend at mom's. that's less back-and-forth. but to have the schedule listed above every other week? it just seems very disruptive. how can you ever get into a rhythm?

[Ione]

I know someone who has a 2-2-e/o3 schedule: one parent has the kids every Mon. & Tues., the other has every Weds. & Thurs., and they alternate Fri.-Sat-Sun every other weekend. Is this what you mean by 2-2-5-5?

It works really well for them, but they live really close to each other. The kids are 9 and 12 (if I remember correctly) now and they've been on this schedule for several years.

[muse]

Originally Posted by Ione

I know someone who has a 2-2-e/o3 schedule: one parent has the kids every Mon. & Tues., the other has every Weds. & Thurs., and they alternate Fri.-Sat-Sun every other weekend. Is this what you mean by 2-2-5-5?

It works really well for them, but they live really close to each other. The kids are 9 and 12 (if I remember correctly) now and they've been on this schedule for several years.

yes this is what i mean. we live 4 blocks from each other.

i work 30 hrs he works 40. so actually, while the nights are 50/50, i would have them more than that. on my days - mon, tues and my fri - i pick kids up at 2.30pm from school & have the whole pm with them. wed, thurs and his fridays they're in aftercare till 5pm.

i also might pick them up on thurs at 5pm and take them for dinner and him pick them up at 6pm, if he says he can't get back in time. this schedule allows me to work a long day on his friday, adding hrs which i desparately need.

doubledutch, exactly - we can never really get into a rhythm. and he is saying that the monday he has them i have to take them to school that a.m. regardless of whether they were with me or him on sunday. all in all i think it's awful and so disruptive.

[mumblemama]

We do this schedule. It's working for us, and it means the kids have time to settle in, and days don't switch around and confuse them. It seems to be working well, we've only been doing it for a few months. When it was switching more often, it seemed like the time was spent everywhere just settling in.

I wish I didn't have to do 50/50. Who does? But that's how it is, and I think this is a good schedule.

[muse]

well mamas...i despair...i wrote him a long email outlining my proposal, pros and cons, how childcare would work, how i could help his end of things work etc ..and i got a one word email response: "no".

WTF.

so, now what?........

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by muse

well mamas...i despair...i wrote him a long email outlining my proposal, pros and cons, how childcare would work, how i could help his end of things work etc ..and i got a one word email response: "no".

WTF.

so, now what?........

I'm sorry. But that sure sounds familiar. Basically the same thing happened to me. If he won't agree to switch I'm not sure there's a lot you can do. When we agreed to our final settlement my lawyer stressed to me that I had to be sure I was OK with it because if the 2 of you don't agree to a change a judge likely won't either. Did your work schedule or your job situation change?

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by mumblemama

I wish I didn't have to do 50/50. Who does? But that's how it is, and I think this is a good schedule.

Yes, exactly. Sometimes I get so tired of reading over and over again on these boards about how horrible 50-50 is. But for some of us we don't have a choice and we make the best of it for the kids.

[muse]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

Yes, exactly. Sometimes I get so tired of reading over and over again on these boards about how horrible 50-50 is. But for some of us we don't have a choice and we make the best of it for the kids.

yeah, i've fought against it for 2 yrs but now i'm choosing it *for* the kids. they are equally attached to their dad as to me and i believe we can equally provide a good loving home for them. i'll miss them but i also know i will do a better job of parenting with more balance in my life.

i am tryign to add work hrs to my scheudle, but even that aside what we have has never worked, and means we are interacting/transitioning almost every single day. we both hate it. i don't see the scheudle i agreed to helping that or being sustainable.

if i agreed to something in mediation but didn't sign any papers yet, can he hold me to it????

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by muse

if i agreed to something in mediation but didn't sign any papers yet, can he hold me to it????

My understanding is that if it isn't signed it isn't enforceable. In fact my X agreed to a number of things in mediation and then changed his mind and we had to go back and renegotiate those things. They were things that were in the mediators document and agreed to by both lawyers and then he changed his mind. Until it's signed by you and the judge it's not a deal.

[LoveOhm]

As a solo mama, I cannot advise on the scheduling question but I am sorry that he was unwilling to even consider a change. If the mediation agreement is signed already my suggestion would be to immediately file a motion for a change saying that you "tried" the schedule and it's too disruptive for the children with too much back and fourth. Say you are willing to be reasonable but this is unfair to the children to shift soooooo much.

Make it about the kids and the number of transitions for them each week. The lack of feeling like that have two secure "homes" and more the feeling of living day to day..... the sooner you put something in writing to the court the sooner the court has record that this is not working, the less time this schedule would have been the "norm" for the kids, the more likely you can get it changed.

Now is not the time to avoid court, file an Order to Show Cause ASAP (like tomorrow - it's easy to do yourself once you know what you want and if you are only looking to change 1-2 items).

[LoveOhm]

btw - You can also see if he is willing to go to mediation again? Actually what is in place for you to revisit this schedule and mediation?

[meemee]

muse we have that situation. we have every alternate days a week and weekends with me.

this has worked VERY WELL for us right from the beginning. dd now is 7.

however we live 15 mins from each other.

and here is why it worked for us. and why it is NOT too much shuffling for us.

ex is a good dad. loves his dd. but is not what i call a 'wanting from teh heart' parent. he can handle parenting only so much. parenting does not come easy to him. i imagine he can find dd suffocating. so having dd for a night instead of two nights really works for him. makes him a better parent. keeps him happy. when he is around dd he has projects and is happy to be around her. dd has managed to get across to him that she wants to socialise more (he didnt really take her anywhere) so he found some kids nearby and now she has playdates on nights with him.

so he takes her sunday night, tuesday, thursday afternoons till he takes her to school the next day. i pick her up from school on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. so essentially one parent drops her and the other parent picks her up. we have done this since dd was 3 years old.

dd LOVES her dad. but she is an extremely social free spirit to whom people are like sugar - gets her hyper. i 'socialise' a lot. either friends or study groups and dd goes with me. we are both alike and do a lot of things together. we are constantly busy and are on the go. we basically just come home to sleep. her dad is the creative homebody. he does projects with her.

many many people are taken aback by our schedule. esp. at social services. but it works for us. my dd prefers it that way too. during the school vacations - depending on my school schedule she spends more time with me and forgets about fun with dad. i have to gently encourage her to go see her dad, otherwise if she spends too much time with me one day she will wake up at midnight crying profusely that she misses her dad. so i kinda have to keep the balance. i will give it to him, that even though he has not changed his extremely structured way of parenting which is hard on dd, he has adapted to dd. which means cosleeping with her and interacting with the kids in the neighbourhood.

i think it has also helped dd right from 3 to know that if one parent drops her the other parent picks her up.

bottom line is - it all sooooo depends on the child's personality. dd has anxiety, but is also a free spirit who loves adventure. she is an oddball for whom the regular stuff does not work for her. too much transition or stability has very different definition for her. stablity for her is cosleeping. anything else - does not matter. literally. stability is for her is knowing one parent drops her off, another parent picks her up. 'stability' for her is taking a day off school just coz she doesnt want to go in that day. instead we go off and do something fun.

i know its not convenient for you, but if he says no and is forced to keep his kids at his inconvenience, i wonder how much of the resentment passes on to the kids - directly or indirectly. i know dd finds it hard to handle two days of v. structured parenting from ex.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by muse

well mamas...i despair...i wrote him a long email outlining my proposal, pros and cons, how childcare would work, how i could help his end of things work etc ..and i got a one word email response: "no".

WTF.

so, now what?........

Are you in one of the few states that mandate 50/50? If not, fight the 50/50.

I would also let this go to court. What you are presenting isn't unreasonable.

[muse]

well i wrote back to him and told him that if that was only response then there was no choice than to go back to mediation or to go to court, and i told him that very likely a court would propose something much like this anyway ; we are in a 50/50 state, and i don't want to fight that because that's what we both want. he just wants it on his own terms.

this is all about his fear of him losing his job. he was unemployed for much of last yr and is scared that if he tries to change his schedule at work at all he will lose it which i can respect but i have also been fitting around his unemployability/fear of lose his job/low income potential for forever. the fact is i earn more than him, have better benefits, better job stability and pay for his and the kids health insurance, and so i feel like i should have more say in all of this. he has had opportunities in the past to go back to school and increase his job skills & earning potential and chose not to. i chose to get my MA and get a good, well paid job.

what's crazy making is he didn't give any reason in his response. he can be extremely childish and passive aggressive. he spent half of our last mediation session rolling his eyes, smirking and saying "whatever". hence we are not married anymore. PHEW.

my mum has written up a "formal" version of my email and suggested sending it to the mediator to make it a documented piece of evidence for court.