2-2-5-5 schedule? - Page 2

[mumblemama]

Sorry, muse. Sounds like a crappy situation. And yes, if nothing is signed, there's no enforcing it but if/when it goes to court you'll need to have valid reasons for changing your mind, which it sounds like you do.

NolaRiordan, I get so tired of it too. I would love to have my kids most of the time. I live in a 50/50 state, and I fought the last year against 50/50, and will spent many, many years trying to recover from the financial damage and now must face I will not be able to get a house for these many years and yadda yadda. So yay for all you that don't have to share your kids, we've all read the studies on shared custody and not but we're all just doing the best we can. And really, my kids love their dad and miss him when they don't see him, too, so I'm glad they have a very strong relationship.

</rant over>

[meemee]

Originally Posted by muse

this is all about his fear of him losing his job. he was unemployed for much of last yr and is scared that if he tries to change his schedule at work at all he will lose it which i can respect but i have also been fitting around his unemployability/fear of lose his job/low income potential for forever. the fact is i earn more than him, have better benefits, better job stability and pay for his and the kids health insurance, and so i feel like i should have more say in all of this. he has had opportunities in the past to go back to school and increase his job skills & earning potential and chose not to. i chose to get my MA and get a good, well paid job.

totally OT muse. ignore my words if you dont feel they are right for you...

... i feel to truly work out a 'fair' mediation - one must learn to walk in the others shoes. i am just going by what you have written here.

i can sense that you have much improved your situation but are resentful he hasnt and now his fears are affecting your children.

it might be an easy decision for you to improve yourself and your job prospcts. but perhaps try to walk in his shoes and try to understand how fear can be so debilitating - that it freezes up reaction. just understanding that really helped me deal with my situation - and find some peace, some understanding.

i am in school doing exactly what you did. ex is trying his best to get me to stop going to school and be responsible and get a job. yet he wont change anything himself.

what i am saying is - dont change your boundaries - stay firm. however understand that just coz something was easy for you to do, doesnt mean its teh same for him. its wasted emotion on your part. that is the way he probably might be for the rest of his life - or at least the next few years. see how you can work with that.

[muse]

Originally Posted by meemee

what i am saying is - dont change your boundaries - stay firm. however understand that just coz something was easy for you to do, doesnt mean its teh same for him. its wasted emotion on your part. that is the way he probably might be for the rest of his life - or at least the next few years. see how you can work with that.

meemee, I don't disagree with anything you've said. I've been empathetic and supportive of him for forever. If it weren't for my support he never would have got help for his ADD and depression and would probably still be unemployed and miserable. Still, he is not a child and he is not my responsibility.

I got an email response from him this am, and look what he wrote:

"I pay for the mediator to help us arrive at conclusions. It's in your
interest more than mine. I have very little to lose and I'd love to be
a stay at home dad with you supporting me."

Yep, that just about sums it up. He is the resentful one because he thought yrs ago that i would get a full time job and support him being at home with the kids. I can't believe he actually wrote that, a lawyer would go to town with it...

And he alo wrote this:

"me having them 3 weeknights in a row would be cruel
to the kids and is totally unnecessary. "

"Cruel"??? Is he basically admitting that he's not capable of taking care of the kids 50% of the time? Which may be true but I wish he would just admit that and be honest about it. I even offered to help by taking the kids for dinner every thursday...and it would only be 3 weeknights every other week, one of which would be a friday which is easy...

he didn't anywhere in his email explain why the schedule I proposed doesn't work for him. And he has said he's not going back to mediation unless I agree to his schedule. so we are totally stuck.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

Yes, exactly. Sometimes I get so tired of reading over and over again on these boards about how horrible 50-50 is. But for some of us we don't have a choice and we make the best of it for the kids.

You definitely have all of my sympathy mama. I think those of us who talk about how horrible 50/50 is, is based on our own children.

A full split like that would kill my two dds, straight out. Even their father recognizes that, and does not feel comfortable taking them for longer than a weekend.

[Ceinwen]

Empathy and kindness aside, he's being completely ridiculous. I'd totally take him back to court for mediation or what have you - he's proven that he's not willing to be reasonable.

[muse]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

Empathy and kindness aside, he's being completely ridiculous.

Helpful to get other people's perspectives, so easy for me to get caught in my own judgments...it' *is* ridiculous isn't it?

he just wrote again saying that his job contract ends in May. jesus. so why are we even going through all this negotiation based on his work schedule when he might be unemployed again in a few months? meanwhile my job should take absolute priority.

gotta say, mamas..i'm scared s***less at the idea of him being unemployed yet again...more reason to add work hrs and get financially independent.