having issues

[natty529]

so, recently we had to move in with friends because our financial situation had become so dire. these friends are very kind and generous to have us in their home, but i am having some issues here. the first is that their ds virtually eats nothing but formula and double stuf oreos (i'm not even exaggerating!) and his poor eating habits and their lack of interest in correcting them are an issue because our ds sees him not eating and wants to follow suit.
the TV is on from the time their ds wakes until he goes to sleep, often around 11 pm.
their ds WILL NOT share and when ever our ds comes near him or puts his hand out to have a turn with whatever their ds will say 'ouch' as if ari is hurting him and his parents will come running to see what ari has done wrong. i feel that ari is provoked by this behavior and will occasionally pull his hair... this is a regression in his behavior probably do to everything going on. i need to know what to do about the hair pulling!
also, they hardly take care of their son, the nanny arrives at 8 and leaves at 6at which time the parents come home and get on their computers and allow me to chase after the boys ( after i com e home from my nanny gig with an other little girl) i kind of resent this, i mean i don't work for them, i care for their son too, but my responsibility is to my own child.
i don't know how to handle all these differences, i am overwhelmed by all of it and i am sad that my friends wont treat me as an equal.
we get out as much as we can and stay out of the way but this crap is driving me nuts!!!

[Maluhia]

I think if they are allowing you to stay for free it's hard to ask them not to utilize your help when you are there in the evenings.

It sounds like doing your very best to save up quickly and move on out as this is probably the only solution.

[eepster]

That sounds really difficult, but there I don't see too much you can do till you can afford to move out. The one thing I can think of is to sort of nanny when you get there in the evenings. Turn off the TV yourself and organize games for the kids to play.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Maluhia

I think if they are allowing you to stay for free it's hard to ask them not to utilize your help when you are there in the evenings.

It sounds like doing your very best to save up quickly and move on out as this is probably the only solution.

I agree. I think that they are being very kind to let you stay. Imagine it from their perspective... they no longer have their privacy, they have to share their home, have their parenting scrutinized (and I am hoping you're not criticizing either directly or passive-aggressively), they are changing the way they do things to accommodate your family, increasing their own living expenses to help out a friend. Perhaps instead of looking at the negatives, look at it as the helpful gesture that is being offered.

A short stay with a family that doesn't parent exactly like you do isn't going to negatively affect your child. If they are at the "formula" stage, the kids are not even going to remember it. Have more faith in your long-term child-rearing goals... you're still the biggest influence in your child's life.

[betsyj]

I also agree how kind they are being to open their home to your family. I wonder if they are posting on another message board about you and your parenting.

This is one of those situations where you kind of need to suck it up and just deal, or move out and stay somewhere else. In a way this is like borrowing money or buying a car from a friend-a situation fraught with social and personal minefields.

Living in someone else's home is difficult under the best of circumstances for both parties and your friends may be having second thoughts as well.

I would save up as quickly as I can and find a place of my own ASAP. I would hate to see a friendship ruined over what was initially a very generous act of kindness and generosity.

[junipermoon]

ooh, that's hard.

your baby is only 1 1/2, right? how old is the other baby? they are way too young to be doing the blame game with, ie, pretty normal that your baby is pulling hair, even if the other kid's behavior was unrealistically angelic. and pretty normal that the other baby says OUCH when your sweetie makes gestures for a turn. he feels ouch, cause he doesn't understand sharing yet and how to be gracious. same with your lo--hair pulling is so normal for a baby! not his fault! no blame!

in contrast to what others have posted: i would be mortified if my house guest was feeling so uncomfortable. i would not be less mortified bc i wasn't getting rent or whatever. i would want to know what the issues were and would want to try to shift to accomodate my guest. not to say i wouldn't want my guest to be equally or even more responsible for working their own problems with my household style out, but I would want to know and help however I could. have you talked to your friends?

[natty529]

thanks for your responses mamas. i agree that i need to be thankful for them opening their home to us and i am!!i am also very gracious, do house work, take care of both boys (20 and 23 months) and i realize that i ought to considering what they are doing for us. the room we re staying in is outside of the house which is nice because they are able to keep their lives pretty similar to before we were here. i know that the hair pulling is normal at this age, but the father is kind of making a big deal and painting ari as the heavy all the time and he wants something done about it.

i mostly just need to vent, but appreciate all the responses!

[Maluhia]

venting is totally normal and with a father who was constantly painting my DC as the heavy my advice would be to avoid that child/parent combo for a few weeks or months which is why your situation is so hard, I wish I knew what to advise to make it less stressful but when you are staying with someone...it's pretty impossible!

[CarrieMF]

i would want to know what the issues were and would want to try to shift to accomodate my guest

most of the issues are just difference in parenting though. I certainly would not change the way I parent my kids for someone who is staying in my house.

[AbbieB]

I disagree that staying in another's home for free in anyway obligates the OP to be the night time nanny, unless that was something agreed on before hand. Helping with house hold chores, yes, but taking care of the kids, no. Just my perspective.

Is it possible to hang out in your room in the evening to eliminate the kids having so much contact? Evenings are cranky time for so many kids, not the best time for happy interaction, especially if the kids are struggling to get along a bit.

Maybe changing up your routine to be more of a come home, have a meal, clean up, play for a short time than go into a bath, snuggle, bed time kind of thing would help. Or at least letting your routine seem like this so you can get away without making an issue might help. No one needs to know what you are really doing once you retreat in to your room for the night.

I hope things turn around soon for you so you can move out of this tough spot.

[One_Girl]

Since you have a seperate room, I think you should stick to it when you don't want your child watching tv or when your child starts to look frustrated enough to pull hair. I think it is very nice of them to have you in their home, moving in with friends can really hurt a friendship so I think it is important for you to try to avoid being in situations where you feel frustrated with them so you can preserve the friendship. Hopefully you can get back on your feet soon so you can get out of there.

[AbbieB]

oops...posted to wrong thread.

[ambersrose]

Sharing a living space with friends has almost always caused problems in the relationship in my experience. Try to not let yourself get into negative thinking. Staying positive and looking only at the good in things will help you through this experience.