a biter is in our playgroup/class

[Cekimon]

i have been taking my kids to these playgroup classes at our local adult school since my son was 8 months old and we love the place. it's been really great. my daughter is now in the 18-24 month old age group and there's been a little boy in her class for awhile now who has a problem biting and pulling hair. i noticed it on the first day. i'm not even there in every class because my mom sometimes takes DD while I am co-op'ing in DS's pre school class. A week ago, I was sitting with DD. Mom2 right next to me had DS in lap and this little boy comes up to Mom2's DS and grabs a handful of his hair. I was totally horrified. There was no cause. It just happened. And to make it worse, Mom2 could not pry the boy's hands off of her son's hair. He had death grip! Then today, this little boy bit a girl's arm and left a bruise and a mark. I didn't see it happen but when I came at the end of class, one of the mom's was complaining to the teacher about it and asking what would happen if the boy broke the skin? The teacher replied they'd fill out an incident report and the parent could call the doctor if desired. Later this mom called me and was saying how her daughter had her hair pulled a few weeks ago by this boy and named off several other children that have had incidents. She also said she'd talked more with the teacher who seems most concerned about hurting the feelings of the mom whose son is doing the biting.

I don't know too much about biting. I know I have two different friends whose daughters both had phases of biting. one of them even got kicked out of daycare for repeatedly biting the same little girl.

I'm kind of wishing the teacher was a little more proactive with the mom. She says they are "aware of the issue and working on it." The teacher's response to everything is to get them a "hand-out" and let the parent read it over.

I'm wondering if maybe there are some effective and gentle ways to deal with children who bite? And I'm wondering if anyone has some constructive comments to make on this situation that might help?

[Ellien C]

Keep in mind that biting is fairly common in group care situations (1 in 4 maybe? I had a handout at one point). In general the best thing to do is watch for the triggers (eg: Pick-up, drop-off, free choice, playground activity, etc) and have extra staff on hand at that time OR watch the child extra carefully and engage them. It's often a response to frustration and can be related to language - expression.

I'm not sure what you are looking for from the teacher? You want her to be more pro-active with which mom? The one who's kid was bitten or the one who was doing the biting? There are likely confidentiality reasons why the teacher can't tell you what is going on with the child doing the biting. So you might no know how pro-active she is. Also keep in mind that the teacher likely sees this sort of thing at least monthly, so while it is shocking when you have a child who has been bitten, do remember that ECE teachers see this pretty often.

http://www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/...ail.cfm?id=851

[nextcommercial]

Sure it's normal, but that doesn't make it OK.

Proactive on the teacher's part would be a "three strikes" rule. If he bites three times, then he must leave the group until he's outgrown it.

Proactive on the Mom's part would be that she followed her little boy around and stopped his hands before he could pull hair, or bite.

I am picturing this as more of a Gymboree group. Where it's a mom/tot class and the parents are there too. If the biter's mom isn't there, then obviously she can't stop it. But, if she's there, she should follow him closely, or stay home with him for a few months to give him time to outgrow this.

If the parents aren't there, then the teacher needs to find a way to stop as many of the attacks as possible.

But, you really only witnessed one hair pulling incident, and someone said their daughter was bitten once... so, as of now, it doesn't sound like a HUGE problem, and I would just be careful when you see that boy coming around your child. It might only be those two incidents, which isn't that bad considering the age.

[junipermuse]

Biting is so normal for this age. Of course that doesn't mean you want your child to be hurt. I would just make sure that you are vigilant when your dd is playing with this child (which I know doesn't seem fair that you should be the one, but as a parent we sometimes have to put in more work than we think we should have to when keeping the kiddos safe). Keep in mind that there probably isn't much the mom can do to stop the biting, short of shadowing him 100% which she should be doing, but even the best of mom's get distracted for a moment and that's often all it takes. So just try to be aware when the child approaches your dd and jump in or whisk dd away if he's about to bite or pull hair. Remind him when he first approaches that we use gentle touches. Also if he makes an attempt to bite you can say, "Ouchie, we don't use our teeth on people" and then hand him something he can bite like a teething toy. You might need to suggest to the teacher that having a few teething toys on hand for redirection could help the situation. When he does bite you should focus your attention more on the victim, but even then stay relaxed and calm and take care of the injury with a relaxed demeanor. Don't make too big of a fuss even over the victim because children can start enjoying the extra attention that the victim role provides and actually start to provoke biting incidents as well.

As far as the hair pulling, if you aren't able to prevent an attack, its important to remember that sometimes with young children they forget how to let go of something in a stressful situation. It's as if they freeze with their hand in a locked position. If the boy ever grabs your daughter's hair, you can help him release, by applying gentle, but firm pressure to the outerside of his palm just below the pinky (if his hand is fisted and his thumb is pointing up, its the underside of his fist). This does not hurt and is much gentler than prying their fingers open and it just signals a reflex to open the palm.

[Cekimon]

thanks for the thoughts and suggestions moms.

the class is one on one. it's a toddler mom and me group so there is a parent or guardian with each child at all times. usually the teacher will help out with the snack mom who may be busy but i'd say 90% of the time, each child has his/her parent with him/her at all times. this is why i think i'm so surprised this has happened so often in this setting.

i guess i'm just wanting to know from the teacher what their approach is because I am concerned about the safety of DD. i tend to be fairly vocal with stuff like this, so i wanted to get some gentle ideas before i started ranting frustration without thinking about it first.

i like PP comments about 3 strikes you're out.... i was talking to DH about it all last night and he asked me, "what would you do if it was our child that was biting?" I told him that after it happening 2 times, I'd be ALL OVER my child like a shadow and tell the teacher I could bring snack, but not step away from my child to help prepare it and i'm sure the teacher would understand that. then if it happened a 3rd time, i'd leave the group until my child outgrew it. honestly, i think that's what i'd do even though i'd be sad to leave a group i like, i would not want other children to be hurt just so we could get some socializing time.

I guess I do now understand that there's probably confidentiality stuff going on and maybe there has been more attention and focus with the boy's mother.
Thanks again all for the comments!! They have been helpful to me!

[One_Girl]

When my dd was in the toddler room every child bit at some point and went through a biting phase that lasted various amounts of time. The teachers gave all of the kids biting rings, redirected, and were proactive as much as possible and the biting stopped. Hitting, pinching, pulling hair, and name calling are also common stages for all children in child care. The degree to which they do these things varies, but they all do them at some point. If you don't want your child in a group with a child with such a severe biting problem then I agree think you should find another group, but it is something that is common and it may be hard to find a group that doesn't have at least one child going through a stage of negative behavior that his/her parents are trying to stop.

[junipermuse]

I have to say I don't agree with the three strikes you're out rule. I think that is too short a timeline to expect such a young child to learn how to behave more appropriately. Also I think its well and good for you to say now that you wouldn't bring your biting child to a playgroup, but you don't know how you'd feel if it were actually happening to you. For some mom's that would be way too isolating (especially mom's at risk for, or who've already suffered from ppd). I guess I wouldn't mind the teacher insisting that if it happens more than once in a day that they go home for the day, but I think the family should be able to come back and try again the next week.

I also think the teacher could be more proactive in making sure the mom understands its her (the mom) responsibility to shadow the child and also could help the mom with some ideas for dealing with the situation. Presumably the teacher is the child development expert and I would guess that the mom is waiting for some guidance from her on how to handle this.

And frankly I think its unreasonable to think that your child will make it out of childhood without ever being hurt by another child. Children are not little adults, they are still learning how to behave in prosocial ways. Part of learning is making mistakes. The only way to guarantee that they never get hurt is to never let them play around other children.

[mrsfatty]

If the mom/parent of the child that bites is there...is there a way you can discuss it with her, "I've noticed that your ds has a difficult time keeping his hands to himself and keeping his teeth to himself, have you noticed anything that sets it off? Is there any way I can help prevent hair pulling or biting?"

Engaging the child that bites and pulls is a great idea--also when you see an attack is about to happen, playfully distract.

[VisionaryMom]

Maybe we're lucky, but neither of our children has been bitten. Neither has bitten. DD accidentally bit me once (she was nibbling on my shoulder for whatever reason and caught skin). I kind of squealed in surprise, but she cried. I know she didn't mean to do it. Other than that, no one's bitten or been bitten. I know it's within normal development, but I don't think that means it's acceptable to allow.

I also think many responses are based on a daycare setting, which this isn't. The mom absolutely needs to be within arm's reach all.the.time. He's doing something to hurt other children on purpose. I think at the point your child walks up to another child and pulls his hair while he's in his mom's lap, that's something that requires more than "that isn't nice." At the very least, I would've sat one of my children down for a couple of minutes in that situation. I understand hitting or hair pulling in the midst of a situation when you lack impulse control, but to walk up to an unsuspecting kid and yank his hair? I don't think that's okay.

OP, it depends on how much it's happening. If it becomes an every playgroup issue, then I'd be inclined to address it with the mother and teacher. I would ask how they'd like to handle it if they weren't actively addressing the situation. Maybe they are, and you'd find out then. It doesn't sound like it, though, because like I said, if my child were doing that, I would be with them constantly to protect other children.