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Update on previous post

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
About a month ago I posted about having my baby and not knowing what the sex was and the fact that I questioned having a son circ'd and husband was adamant about having it done.

My baby did turn out to be a boy(the first in my family). The peds said if we were to get it done, it would have to be in the first week of life. He is a week old today. My husband was and still is hurt, upset, feels like "he has no power" over decisions with his children, etc... The peds said it is a decision that both of us need to be totally comfortable with. I told husband that I just cannot consent to surgery being done on my baby for cosmetic reasons. I would be doing it only for my husband, not for my baby.

Basically, wanted to get some opinions on if I am doing the right thing or not. I feel terrible for my husband. I love him and I would love to do this for him, but I cant. It just doesn't make sense. How is this going to affect their relationship in the future do you think?

He changed his diaper today for the first time today and got a little scared, squeamish, said "are you sure you are not going to change your mind about circ? and "he needs a circ, theres just too much skin, his head is huge, and where is the pee hole? Does it line up with the hole in the foreskin? I told him that he urinates fine.

What do you guys think? Especially those of you who have been in this situation.
post #2 of 23
Originally Posted by mymary View Post
He said "he needs a circ, theres just too much skin, his head is huge, and where is the pee hole? Does it line up with the hole in the foreskin?
Your husband is NOT educated about foreskins and circumcision. You ARE. Protecting your baby is the wisest thing to do, even if it appears you're going against DH's wishes. He will realize the benefits in time if he chooses to research it. You can help him. If he doesn't want to learn the truth, it's not your fault. Stick to your guns! Your son will thank you.
post #3 of 23
He'll get over it. It's just weird to him because it is different than his, but he will get used to it and it will become no big deal very soon. In the scope of life, it in really a small thing that boys should be left alone. It's a given! Your son will get along just fine with peeing, sex, and whatever else he finds use for his penis. Nature really doesn't need our help as much as we think. After all, 85% of the world and human evolution can't be wrong.
post #4 of 23
DH can get over hurt feelings and learn more about the benefits of his son being left the way he was made. Your son cannot get over a circ - once done there's not going back (restoration may be close but not the same as the original).

He will come around - be gentle with his feelings. You've done the right thing.

Encourage him to spend time caring for your son as an infant. As he becomes comfortable caring for him diapering will come right along with it. Remind him that you aren't having to dress an open wound - you just wipe like the tip of your finger and don't even mess with the foreskin.

Also, I learned this the hard way with DH, when our son was small I found I would constantly tell him how to care for our first born. He felt I didn't think he could do it. I knew he could so I one day just started biting my tongue. I knew DH would figure it out and after a few days he went to give him a bath and asked me about the water temp - what DS liked. That was a breakthrough because I was able to give advice on what DS seemed to like and I wasn't "nagging" DH. I also learned that when I sat back and watched DH's ways of doing things were often different than mine but were just as effective. DS and DH as super close now and DH has jumped right in from day one with our six month old daughter (and he's great at changing her diaper as well).

Best wishes and congrats on your sweet, whole, baby boy!!!
post #5 of 23
Have you had your husband read any of the posts here on Mothering? What about having him read the thread about people regretting circumcising their sons? What about so many men who can't really enjoy sex using a condom because they can't feel anything? This is much less of a problem with intact males.

Just have your husband Google "botched circumcision" and read some of the articles he finds.

If your son decides when he is older that he prefers to be circumcised, he can always make that decision! Will it be painful? Yes, but the idea that it's not painful for an infant is completely ludicrous.

I just posted about two of my friends whose sons had to have additional surgery because their circumcisions caused problems with their penises. Why subject your child to an unnecessary procedure that might lead to more surgeries? Cutting an infant's body unnecessarily is dangerous. Why subject a newborn to infections and other complications?

Also, in some areas of the US, circumcision rates are now close to 50% or less than 50% in some areas. If your husband is worried about your son looking "weird" to his peers, this should be less and less of a concern as this procedure becomes less common.

Be proud of yourself for preventing your son from having this painful procedure. It must have been hard for you to do, mama, but you protected your child.

I didn't circ my son, and he has no problems with his penis! He pees fine and everything is normal and healthy. Whose children have problems with their penises (peeing out the side, penis curving to the side, scar tissue closing the urethra leading to surgery)? My friends whose children WERE circumcised!!!!
post #6 of 23
My husband was also on the circ bandwagon until I brought him to the dark side about 25-30 weeks into my pregnancy. I'm pretty sure he only agreed with me to shut me up, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, our first diaper change he looked at me point blank and said, "It's so small. How do they not cut the whole penis off?". I think he needed to actually see what we were talking about to realize the importance of it. Hopefully your husband will come around soon!
post #7 of 23
Originally Posted by mymary View Post
He changed his diaper today for the first time today and got a little scared, squeamish, said "are you sure you are not going to change your mind about circ? and "he needs a circ, theres just too much skin, his head is huge, and where is the pee hole? Does it line up with the hole in the foreskin? I told him that he urinates fine.

What do you guys think? Especially those of you who have been in this situation.
Can you imagine how squeamish the sight of a freshly cut up penis would make him then? Your son will need that skin to grow into so he does not have a truncated penis with uncomfortably tight erections when he's older. There is no such thing as "extra" or "too much" skin.
post #8 of 23
Originally Posted by AfricanQueen99 View Post
"It's so small. How do they not cut the whole penis off?"
It's that thought, along with many others, that made me not even consider circumcising my son.

And unfortunately, they do--rarely, but it happens--cut the penis off, or at least a substantial portion of it!!!!
post #9 of 23
But the thing is, in leaving your son's genitals alone, you are leaving the decision up to your son. You haven't done anything TO your husband. And I do agree that protecting your son is the most important thing right now.

Did your husband not read any of the research or watch any videos or anything?

Please keep us updated!
post #10 of 23
There is a strong, clear line between promoting equality in a marriage and allowing a spouse to harm the child.

If this topic were about any other hot topic thing, no one would be confused at all about whether or not you did the right thing.

Circumcision: the more you know the worse it gets.
post #11 of 23
First, circ can be done any time.... it doesn't have to be the first wk of life. Second, the opening at the end of the foreskin is supposed to be small. That's one way the foreskin protects the penis. Please educate him.... you never know, he may become an advocate for intactivism.
post #12 of 23
This isn't something HE needs to have power over. There are lots of choices that will come. Lots of decisions and discussions. Dads frequently feel left out of these early days.
He needs to understand that NONE of these choices are about him, or you. They need to be about your son. You are giving him the chance to have power over his own body.
I don't doubt that your husband is having a hard time with this. But it sounds like he hasn't done ANY reading on the structure and function of the foreskin. There are some really good pamphlets in the links at the top of the forum. Leave them were he can read them. A little information might go a long way to a least calm his fears about your babe's health. Hopefully the rest will come with time.
post #13 of 23
Your husband needs to stop blaming you and stop treating your son like he is defective and start owning his feelings about his own circumcision. I understand how hard it can be for men to face their insecurities and I sympathize, but still, it's time to grow up already. Be a man. Own your feelings, deal with your problems, stop blaming your wife and innocent son. Get professional help if necessary.

As for your question of whether you are doing the right thing, well, if your husband was angry and upset at you and the only way to make him feel better was to cut off your daughter's earlobe, would you even pause a split second to decide what was the right thing to do???? And earlobes really are pretty useless, aren't they. You stated that if you circ'd your son, you would be doing it only for your husband. Sorry, but we just can't go around doing cosmetic surgery on one person to make another person feel good. You ARE doing the right thing. Perhaps one day your son and maybe even your husband will thank you for standing up and doing the right thing.

I'm sorry he is putting you through this difficulty at such a vulnerable time in your life when you most need support. I hope that things get better for you and for him.
You asked how it might affect the father-son relationship in the future. That, too, is completely up to your husband. If he is going to treat your son like a freak, if he is going to go around with a cloud of resentment because your son did not have cosmetic surgery, then it sure won't be good for their relationship. And there's only one person who can do anything about that.
I'm sorry if I sound callous towards your husband. I don't mean to. I feel for him, I really do. I know a number of circumcised fathers of intact boys, my husband included, and I can only imagine how difficult it is for them. He is probably in a place now where he is hurting so bad that he can't even admit to himself that he is hurting. That is so sad. That is how circumcision harms. Even now, 20, 30, 40 years after the fact (I don't know how old your husband is), his circumcision is still causing problems for him. It's interfering with bonding with his son, feeling good about himself, and loving and supporting his wife. How sad is that? But, the main thing is, he has to realize that it is his problem and that it is unfair (to say the least) for him to expect his infant son to give up a body part (forever, and at great pain and risk to his health) just so Dad can go on pretending he doesn't have any issues.
Best of luck to you, and here's to healing and happiness for your husband!

post #14 of 23
there are so many women on here that have such great answers. They are well-thought out and caring. I wish I could be like that but I'm not. My husband is circ'ed and when we had our first son, we now have three, he wanted to have him cut as well. We went round the bush a couple of times, and then I told him that he could have it done if we wanted, but then his baby wouldn't have a mother as I would be in jail for killing the person that mutilated my son that way. He agreed with me. And then afterwards I was able to give him various info, and he talked to some other people. So, if its within your power to be as informative and non-combatant as the previous posts, by all means do that. Or, if when you are pregnant you get angry and bull-headed, as I do, feel free to copycat.
post #15 of 23
Remind your husband that the foreskin is not a birth defect and that the majority of men throughout the history of the world have been intact. Somehow they've managed to come through all right.

This seems to be more about him and his feeling of control than about his son's intact penis.
post #16 of 23
Wow. So much to say here...

If he's afraid that his son will resent him when he grows up intact think about how much more he'd resent him if he was circ'd. "Well son I didn't like how you looked when you were a baby and I had them cut off your penis so that I was happy. Your' mother didn't want to but I guilted her into it."
post #17 of 23
Just want to make sure, that you aren't retracting at diaper changes. "theres just too much skin, his head is huge," sounds like your DH might be trying to retract it. The foreskin is usually still fused to the glans in infants.

This article might help you understand why this is so difficult for your DH.
post #18 of 23
You are doing the right thing. You are the only one that can protect your son. Make sure your dh knows not to retract. He will come to understand that your ds penis is exactly as it should be. In fact I bet he ends up thanking you for standing up and protecting your ds. It's just going to take a little time for him to adjust to the new normal.
post #19 of 23
yup, you're doing the right thing.
if your marriage is strong, it will survive this. in other words, this won't be a deal-breaker.
my husband also wanted our son circumcised, but i refused.
in the end, i think that my most compelling "argument" was that, *i'm* saying that we just leave him alone, the way he was born. *you're* saying that he needs to have surgery. circumcision is not medically necessary (ask any medical institution). *you're* the one pushing for a medically unnecessary surgery, therefore *you* have to be the one to convince *me* why it needs to be done.
stay strong, momma!
post #20 of 23
Your husband MUST become educated about circ and being intact, for your son's future health and well being.
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