I don't think I can take him to school anymore: Updated

[jnet24]

So my son started a integrated preschool on the 25th, mainly bc of speech issues. He was going to EI two times a week for two hours and now he is going two days for all day. The first day the teacher told me he cried for an hour or so. She said the crying is getting better, but not how long he cries for, but everyday I drop him off screaming. To make it worse, since Saturday he has been waking up screaming that he is scared of school, he doesn't want to go, don't leave me, I want my mommy ALL night long. He wakes up screaming at least 3 times a night. It is awful. On top of that he says "Mommy don't leave me" at least 40 times a day. I am not leaving him during this time he just says it over and over again. I don't think I can do this much longer. I am not sure what the problem is. Maybe the day is too long? I feel like I am scarring him. I worked so hard forming a bond of trust with him and I feel like I am breaking it everytime I peel him off my leg screaming Don't leave me. It is breaking my heart.

[AnalogWife]

Your poor little guy. Mine is still in EI and will be transitioning soon, this is my worst nightmare. I hope others weigh in on this because I'd be strongly (strongly) leaning toward taking him back home.

[2boyzmama]

Is it possible for you to stay with him at school? And maybe "wean" him on to school by going for half days only, with you with him, for a week or two, then a full day with you there in the morning and then him there alone in the afternoon. Maybe when you're there with him, try some practice leaves...you leave for 5 minutes to go to the bathroom, come back and praise him up and down, reminding him that mommy *always* comes back.

[askew]

I would see if you could spend a week staying in class with him, even for an hour, and then leaving him for an hour, and then coming back to get him. Short periods of time might help him see that you are coming back and he can have fun while you are gone. One thing that really helped my 3 year old was the book Llama Llama Misses Mama. It is a book about a little kid going off to school for the firs time. We read it as our goodnight book for a few weeks before school and then in the beginning of the transition too.

[mrsfru]

My little guy used to be like this, too.

Personally, I think until they are 5 or 6 yrs old, an all day program is much too long for most kids (I am not commenting on daycare or such). It is esp too long for kiddos w/sensory issues or other special needs that cause them to tire faster.

If you can't do the going to school w/him and slowly weaning him off of you being there, I would pull him out if he was mine. He may just not be ready to be separated from home for that long yet. Or it may not be a good fit for him. What can he possibly be learning if he's really upset and overtired from this experience, esp if he's losing sleep.

FWIW, we pulled ds1 when he was 2 yrs old out of another program (and it was only 4 hours, 2x a week). He had a lot of the same behaviors, including he would scream every time we got within sight of the school on days he didn't have to go. He also slept a lot more all week, but had very disrupted sleep. They just didn't "get" him--the director had even run a special needs preschool before, and she just thought it was all *my* fault! At any rate, he's 4.5 now, and LOVES his new school. It's totally different from the other school, and his teachers and director will happily implement whatever his therapists recommend and will even meet w/them if needed.

GL Mama! Trust your gut!

mrsfru

[Momily]

As a preschool special educator, I have to agree with you that things can't continue as they are -- it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you. At the same time, it's been a really short time, and I'd probably try some other things before I just gave up.

1) Can you stay and "narrate" his day for him a few times? Having someone stay and talk through the day (look, it's circle time. All the friends are going to circle, it's fun, come sit on mommy's lap at circle.) can help kids get the message that something is OK.

2) I agree with leaving for short periods of time and then gradually building it up, but wanted to add one caveat. In my experience, when parents prolong drop off, the kid is anxious the whole time they are waiting for the parent to leave, and then they associate school with feeling anxious. Given that, I suggest that parents follow the same quick goodbye ritual they plan to use all year, drop off leave and then come back and stay. So day one, drop off, walk to the water fountain have a drink, come back and say "See, Mommy's back and I'm not leaving today", and then play with him at school, and take him with you if you have to leave again (e.g. to go to the bathroom). Day 2, maybe you stay out of the room for 5 whole minutes.

3) Do they nap in the afternoon? That can be really hard for kids at first, maybe you could have him go home before nap each day, and just do a 1/2 day.

4) Would the teachers do a home visit? Having your teachers in your home, being treated like treasured guests, is HUGE for a lot of little kids in building attachment and trust. Would they be willing to come to dinner with you -- sharing a meal is really powerful.

5) Maybe make 2 photo albums, one of school, and one of home. Leave the school one at home and look through it and talk about his day, and vice versa -- leave the home one at school as a transition object.

6) Have someone else drop off -- leaving your primary attachment person is harder than leaving anyone else. I know my son cried at daycare if I left, but if my mom drove him he was fine. Could dad take him for a little while?

If none of those work, then maybe he's not ready, or maybe integrated is too much stress, and he needs a smaller classroom, but I think there are things you can try before you just pulled him out.

Good luck!

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by jnet24

So my son started a integrated preschool on the 25th, mainly bc of speech issues. He was going to EI two times a week for two hours and now he is going two days for all day. The first day the teacher told me he cried for an hour or so. She said the crying is getting better, but not how long he cries for, but everyday I drop him off screaming. To make it worse, since Saturday he has been waking up screaming that he is scared of school, he doesn't want to go, don't leave me, I want my mommy ALL night long. He wakes up screaming at least 3 times a night. It is awful. On top of that he says "Mommy don't leave me" at least 40 times a day. I am not leaving him during this time he just says it over and over again. I don't think I can do this much longer. I am not sure what the problem is. Maybe the day is too long? I feel like I am scarring him. I worked so hard forming a bond of trust with him and I feel like I am breaking it everytime I peel him off my leg screaming Don't leave me. It is breaking my heart.

My son is in ST via the school, has an IEP and has been working with EI and now early childhood at the shcool since 20 months.

they have tried and tried to get us into school with him -- we have flat refused. he goes to the school for ST and that is it, we are offically listed on teh IEP as homeschooling.

In our case -- i know that emotionally T could not handle the class. we have gone to the class 3 times -- not all at once, 3 differnt times -- with me going too as a play date .... once so he could be assessed with peers and not just adults ... and i disliked the classroom, and how the other kids treaed Theo and many other issues. I gave a list of 13 reasons we would not put him in that class adn told him if ALL were address / corrected we'd open the conservation back up. Our ST is happy with us HS and so is our case manager.

My pint being -- does you son really NEED to be in a class??? my son is 2 years OLDER and can't cope with it ....

think about this -- would you put him in daycare or any other "group care" situation for that amount of time? if not, then don't put him in the classroom.

Sounds like it is doing a lot of NEG than POS.

JMHO

[APToddlerMama]

No time to read the responses, but I do believe that the school is required to provide you with other options other than an all day/half day program. I have already started looking into this and we have over a year to go. I was told that we could just drop in for speech therapy. Anyhow, one way or another, if I was in your shoes, I would give myself permission to stop sending him to school. There are other ways he can have his developmental needs met (ie. dropping in for therapy, private therapy, playgroups that you attend, home programming). It sounds like it is just too much for him, not a good fit, and like he needs to be with you. What is he getting out of it if he's crying half the time he's there, really? Good luck!

[jnet24]

Update:
My computer has been down so I was unable to respond until now. So I first wanted to say thanks so much for all supportive comments and suggestions. Most people IRL say things like he just needs to get used to it and it is bc you baby him, maybe if you didn't sleep with him he would cope better. Seriously I was told that.

I called the teacher on friday..I started off by asking her how he was doing during the school day,not just at dropoff, bc she hasn't been very specific just said he was getting better. She said that last week he cried no more than 20 minutes at dropoff and was great the rest of the day. He follows directions and she has no issues with him. I told her everything that was going on at home, and prepared myself for the give him more time speel. Instead she said that it broke her heart and poor little guy. She said things cannot continue like this. She said she thought he was doing wonderful and htat he was prob freaked out at school and was just holding it in bc he was afraid and htat he was letting it all out at home. She said he is so young and it can be hard for 3 years old, and that she will talk to her supervisor and come up with a long term solution, but said starting immediately he will go down to 1/2 days maybe even leaving before lunch, def before nap. She said that we may eventually need to arrange childcare for my other lo, so I can stay with him for his half day the entire time. She was so kind and truely felt awful for him.

We also talked about the other suggestions that you smart mamas brought up. He already has a home album at school, but I am going to send a disposable camera so they can take pics of him at school and we can make an album of school for at home. I also found a saying goodbye book from the wonderpets and we are reading that daily and discussing the baby blowfish who felt scared without his mommy. I also asked her if she could recommend a child in the class who would be a good match for him to come over and play so he could have a "friend." She was very receptive, and I feel much better about her. ( I have had some reservations based on a few experiences with her, like her telling me not to talk to her aide and if I had questions go to her specifically. The aide told me they sometimes buy an extra hot lunch and give it to the kids to encourage them to eat more, and the teacher said that never happens and they gave him red dye the secound day of class though thye know we do not do red dye) So just wanted to say thanks for the suggestions. I knew there would be wise mamas out there who have BTDT thanks again