Balancing the needs of your children - Page 2

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by Sweetiemommy

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but it sounds as though you are very enamored with the older daughter and feeling that there isn't much left for the younger one to succeed at is a pretty negative mentality. I'm sure you are frustrated with the younger daughter giving up on things, but I would encourage her to do whatever interests her, regardless of ability.

I am trying to present things from dd#2's perspective moreso than mine. Yes, I do like dd#1. She's a great kid and I'm happy to be her mom. I also like dd#2 and am glad that she's my kid. She is a little harder for me to understand at times honestly and I do get frustrated with her giving up so easily on things.

Like Joensally said, though, dd#2 is an able child who has something going on that we just haven't figured out. I'm trying not to make this too long and complicated, but background wise dd#2 has been tested on ability and achievement tests repeatedly at school and then privately b/c we were concerned about scores varying by 40 percentiles+ every time she takes a test and the school was not. We just kept getting responses like "she did so well on the first IQ test due to good guessing." The private testing shed little light given that she was just as erratic as on the school testing. She does appear to be as able as her sister, though, and may even be more able. She isn't achieving as highly and that would be fine as long as she was feeling good about herself. She isn't and that is a concern. I don't want her to grow up with a poor self perception and I don't want her to close doors for herself at age 9 that she might want open later.

[junipermuse]

I just had a thought reading this that perhaps it would be helpful to point out to your daughter famous families where siblings excel in the same or similar fields. For example Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal are both successful in acting. Serena and Venus Williams are both successful tennis players. Those are just two examples, but there are dozens of others. I think it might help her to realize that just because her sister excels at something that doesn't preclude her from being successful in those same areas.

[ChristaN]

Thanks, that's a good idea .

[HipGal]

Oh yes! I watched a documentary about the Williams sisters and in it their father said he thought Venus had a special talent for tennis, but not Serena, so he had someone else work with Serena so he could concentrate his efforts on helping Venus (or it could have been the other way around! Can't remember). Anyway, they obviously both are amazing at tennis now!

Anyway, I don't know if you need to look for gaps in dd1's achievements and try to fit dd2 into them. I would let dd2 choose what she is interested in, even if dd1 has done well in that area. Dd2 shouldn't have to pick what is "leftover", kwim? If she is truly interested, that might be motivation enough for her to really go for it. But even if she doesn't, it is OK to enjoy something without excelling at it. I would emphasize how much fun something is over how well she is doing at it, kwim?

I am not sure I would pull dd2 from school because of dd1's shadow, unless she was asking for that. Although if you think school isn't meeting dd2's needs, that is a different reason.

As for the trip, if you decide to let dd1 go, I would find something fun for dd2 to do while she is gone. I would emphasize that since dd1 gets to have a fun trip, dd2 should have a special fun thing as well. I would not focus on dd1 deserving it because of her achievement - I don't think that would help the living in her shadow thing.

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by HipGal

I am not sure I would pull dd2 from school because of dd1's shadow, unless she was asking for that. Although if you think school isn't meeting dd2's needs, that is a different reason.

School isn't working terribly for dd#2 but I have concerns that are not entirely related to her sister's shadow. We have gone out of our way to have her placed with teachers who won't compare her, etc. Our larger reasons for wanting to homeschool entirely for a while fall into social concerns (dd#2 is willing to trim herself until she is no longer recognizable to fit in with whatever it is she thinks the other kids want), and that she is not getting her academic needs met either due to a 2e issue or erratic underachieving behavior.

[srs]

I was your DD#2 in many ways, and based on that I would say the trip isn't the first or last time she will face this situation, so i would let DD#1 go and like others say, try to do something special with DD#2 while #1 is gone.

FWIW, I did find the thing that I was better at than my sister, but I didn't realize that I was better at it until she told me that I was. That alone made all the difference in the world to my confidence, that my big sister thought I was better at something than she was. Maybe if your DD#1 is a big cheerleader for DD#'s acting ability that will help (or something similar, just using that as an example).

And like a pp said, until your DD1 graduates, DD2 will probably have to deal with this. My sister even went to a different high school than I did, but her peers remembered her and I had classes with them. Things got better when they graduated.

[hsmamato2]

I have 2 kids, spaced widely-(6 years) in our case,it's the younger who's an 'attention hound' he just naturally is more outgoing,and knows how to charm a lot of people,he's loud and hilarious,where his older bro. is very smart and funny,but in a much more subdued way. My point is this, it's not US,his family that pays more attention to one more than the other,it's EVERYONE ELSE.
PErhaps,OP,this is what you're starting to see?
Our only solution has been to make absolutley sure that the quieter boy KNOWS we value him and who he is just as much as his outgoing brother.
Yes, he has grown accustomed to others treating his bro. like the center of attention(and he barely has to try) while he usually watches,but the reality is,I'm trying my best to raise them both to understand that who they are has nothing to do with how OTHERS perceive them,even the 'others' that give out scholarships,accolades,trips,etc.

So the outgoing kid learns that attention is nice,but in the end,isn't what makes him a valuable person.
And quieter kid( with the hidden talents) learns also that what other say and do doesn't make or break his life.
so,for instance,I'll remind quiet kid that when we're visiting friends,he needs to remind himself to be sociable IF he would like more interaction,etc.(or you could call it positive attention)
And gregarious child gets a reminder that while he is very funny and tells great stories,that no matter what,it's kidn and polite to NOT monopolize a conversation,even if the 'others' all laugh and encourage it.
Not all the same things as OP,but to me,a similiar issue at it's core.
And no,I don't deny my one child his accolades,he IS funny,and smart! Why take anything from him?
But I am absolutley sure in my heart that BOTH my kids are worthy human beings,but very different. And over time, I see both have strengths and weaknesses of their own. To me, that's what REALLY matters here, not what 'others' say or do for my kids,but what we,their own family truly feels about them.

[time4another]

I see my DD1 have some similarities to your DD2. She has the ability but seems to have a low self-worth that we can't seem to inflate. She is jealous of any attention her next youngest sister gets. We are constantly coaching and explaining that DD2 can like things and be good at them and some people have to work hard for what they get and others things come more naturally to them. Its hard. DD1 is making some questionable choices recently that we really don't understand. We have given her the opportunity to make the right choices, but for whatever reason she doesn't. Recently DD1 was not given a priviledge that both older DDs get to have. DD1 thought that DD2 should get it taken away too. But DD2 had nothing to do with the reason why DD1 was not allowed to do it and the thing that upset DD1 about the most, was that her sister got to do it and she didn't. Not that she made a mistake that she was sorry for. She seems more sorry for getting in trouble than anything else and doesn't "get" that certain things are earned and not rights.
All of my girls are brilliant and have the ability, for DD1 its hard for her socially. That I think is the difference. She is shyer and social situations are more work for her. DD1 just wants to be like "everyone else" and believes everyone is the same. We have been telling her that that is not the case for years and years but in her world that is not true. Everyone is supposed to like everyone else all the time, everyone is supposed to get everything given to them all the time without working at things, everyone is supposed to be a ballerina who can do splits and the like immediately without years of practice and hard work. I am unsure of how to get through this, but I have hope we will eventually.
My sister is brilliant. She is in med school right now at the ripe age of 33. She has two kids and a husband from a nice family. She has two bachelors one is in math and the other computer science. She was always socially, atheletically, and academically "better" than I. From my perspective, my parents catered to those things and neglected to support me in my being me and there are plenty of examples but this post is already too long. I wasn't able to "find myself" until I was in college (which I was lucky to go to). But I did find myself and am generally happy and comfortable. My sister however is having marriage problems, financial problems (d/t hubby's lack of job) and is on antidepressants. She is not happy and I wonder if the stress of having to be the best all the time has taken a toll on her. The thing is, none of what my sister "got" being the brilliant/sociable/atheletic one-guaranteed happiness as an adult.

This is my long winded way of saying, don't give up on either DD ever. Don't deny DD1 things that she's earned simply because DD2 is going to wilt over them. No one is the same, we are all unique. DD2 has the ability to find her way and maybe someday DD1 will confide in DD2 that things aren't as easy as they seem.

Perhaps your DD2 and my DD1 need to be reminded constantly that they are wonderful human beings with the ability to do whatever it is they want if they try and they make the right choices and that if it doesn't work out there are a million other things to learn to do and be.

I wish you luck.
Heather