I Feel Like a Bad Mommy, Advice? (Long)

[Bebegim]

My 3 year old is driving me crazy. I always wanted to be a sweet loving mom, but now she calls me "mean, bad guy, crazy, cranky" every day. I am literally losing my mind. Everything is a battle.

She asked 25 times on the car ride home from grandma and grandpa's house if we could bring my mothers dogs home with us. I was like, "no, were already on the beltway, maybe next time... there isnt enough room at our house... they arent our dogs... grandma will miss them...we can visit them tomorrow" and a million other responses. But I have this fuse and with rush hour traffic and her twenty fifth, now yelling, "can we bring the gaga's home?" My fuse expired and I flipped. I just yelled really loud, "No, stop asking me five million times charlotte its enough." I guess I yelled so loud it shocked her, because she just burst into tears and told me i was "mean mommy and not happy."

Now I feel like this happens 3-5 times a day... refusing to wash her hair, refusing to take a nap, refusing to do ANYTHING my husband or I suggest. Its driving me absolutely crazy. We wanted to start trying for another baby by the end of this year, but I told my husband, "I cant have another baby, I already am miserable and yelling every day with just one."

What happened to me? I was a low stress, babywearing, cosleeping mommy and now, ive turned into my father. Yelling all the time. I cant control it. Sometimes I literally feel like some evil monster has taken over my body. I'm frustrated all the time and now she is frustrated all the time. So, I dont even want to be in the same room as my daughter right now, because she stresses me out so much. I literally avoid her, so I don't snap on her and give her more of my anger. But Im a stay at home and my husband works from home. So, I have to keep her entertained or she'll go down to "work with daddy." Which means he cant work.

Any calm down techniques? Any way besides leaving her alone, walking away and ignoring that I can do? I feel like ignoring her is disrespectful and yelling at her is super negative, but I cant say "we don't have any OJ right now, you drank it all, how about water" three hundred times in a row!!!!!!!!!!!

I try to distract her with games or subject changes, it use to work, but now, she fixates on something. I practically have to bribe her to get her to stop misbehaving (painting on the carpet while I'm cooking dinner, pouring her juice on the walls, going to the potty and then sticking her dolls hair into it). Plus shes started HITTING me to boot. If I reach for her to pick her up or brush her hair or get her clothes off or on... she tries to hit me.

Help!

[Shami]

You are not a bad mommy. You've just hit a bump in the road. You are only human and you can only take so much. Mommies are not required to be perfect angels.
On the repetitive asking, try to only answer her once or twice. Then when she asks again tell her you gave your answer and you will not respond to the same question again, or something like that. Ignore all other questions on that topic.

If you are a praying person, I'd go there for peace because there is no peace on earth, especially with a 3 yr. old.

If you feel bad about your yelling, you can always apologize. Be honest with her and tell her you don't want to yell and your trying not to yell, but when you ask me the same question over and over, I just need you to stop. Something like that, maybe?

I just want to give you a big hug because I know how it feels to lose it. It feels like I'm out of control and it's scary. If you're a Christian you can call on the Name of the Lord Jesus. If not, you could have some kind of mantra like, I love my precious girl. I love my precious girl. That might help you calm down in the moment until you can get your self together.

[nina_yyc]

Hugs!! I have a 3yo too and mine is exactly the same. I recently read Honey I Wrecked the Kids and found it interesting. Her theory on annoying behaviors is that the child is looking for any kind of attention, doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. Stop paying attention to it and the annoying behavor stops - no more payoff. It feels kind of cold to put it into action, but when I've done it to my DD it feels like I've called her bluff...i.e. she will get angry that I'm not paying attention to her, then give up mid-meltdown and ask me if I know where she can find her coloring book, then happily go and entertain herself for a bit. I am trying to implement the suggestions for power struggles too - giving the child more independence/responsibility within the home and more say in how the problem is solved.

I don't have an angelic child on my hands as proof that this will work, but I feel freed from the obligation to lecture, nag, and otherwise acknowledge intentionally annoying behavior...I am in a much better mood anyway.

[Bebegim]

Thank you, Thank you, Ladies! I feel better just knowing Im not alone!! Plus all the great tips! I read The Science of Parenting, I re-read it every 3-6 months trying to remind myself of better ways. I guess I do need a mantra of some sort. I think after I re-read my post I realized, the problem is that I'm stressed from other parts of my life and Im taking it out on her. I am definitely going to get some books. I think that what has changed is our life and thats upsetting me and Im not doing a good job of insulating my daughter. If shes angry and frustrated, she got it from somewhere. If I handled problems better, she would learn tricks from me, right?

I need to start centering myself and address the issues and stresses that are probably effecting her. Thanks for listening and helping me think things through!!! I'm going to go take a bath and think of a few other relaxing things to do to calm me down. haha.

[mum21andtwins]

whenever this happens you need to stop. everything. I don't know what driving in the USis like but when you feel that thing coming up find the nearest place you can stop and be with you anger (might sound odd lol!) I have a lot of rage in me from past abuse from things my parents did to me the way I was treated by mum mum wel you get the idea. Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh is great. I also find a lot of the podcasts on itunes by him very helpful. My kids know that when I get angry I take a timeout plant my butt on the floor and go within if we both got angry the eldest will often sit with me and take a moment to calm down. after this I ammuch more able to deal with the situation.

Also in situationslike in a car change the subject.
can we take the dogs home
no honey we can't they belong to granny
I want to take them home.
I know but they belong to granny , hey did you see that big bird?

Or even going along with her desire for a dog after we lost our dog and I had twins we simply couldn't get another dog rescue or puppy because I just didn't have the time for all the training walking etc. So whenever ds1 would bring up his desire for a dog I went along with it and would ask him what sort of dog he wants and he would ask me my standard answer was that I wanted a red dog a large red dog and I would call him clifford. and we'd be of into discussing all the alterations we'd need to do to keep a dog like clifford. alot easier than repeating myself over and over and over lol!

[elisheva]

3-year-olds aren't easy. I've found lots of great advice in How to Listen So Kids Will Talk and Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Mazlish. It has made a world of difference in how my ds1 and I communicate. I bought my own copy so I could read it over and over He, too, asks the same question over and over. I tell him, "Mommy has already answered that question. What did I say?" He often will tell me my response back word-for-word and then drop it. Other times I will answer, "Boy I wish I could <insert child's desire here> (let you bring home Grandma's dog, for example). What would you do with her? Where would she sleep? Would she eat our dinner or would you get her special dog food? etc..."

As far as her refusals go, is there anything you can give her control over? You can't force her to sleep, but you can enforce quiet time. FWIW, my 3 y.o. doesn't nap anymore, generally, but all kids are different. If she has to wash her hair, does she want to use the special kid shampoo or the mommy shampoo? I try to only take a stand on things I feel are really important. Ds1 *hates* washing his hair in spite of any choices I give him so every 7-10 days, we just get it done and there are tears but then it's over...I feel it's a struggle worth having at this point or he would happily go a year or more without washing his hair, I'm sure. On the other hand, if he wants to go to bed in his daytime clothes, I let him because *that* isn't a battle I'm willing to have.

[Bebegim]

We have the same hair washing fight every time. I tried asking her to pretend to be a mermaid, getting in with her and showing her how fun it is, etc. She still refuses, so she always ends up screaming and fighting as i wash her hair and tells me im a bad guy. I literally avoid hair washing unless its absolutely necessary. We do the "body washing" and I only do the hair fight every other week. its terrible. i feel like im water boarding her or something! then i imagine her in therapy at 25 saying my mother use to torture me in the bathtub! haha.

Night time sleeping is usually fine. often she will start to get sleepy and tell me its her bed time. Day time napping is a little harder. She gets so cranky and tearful, so I know she is tired, but I certainly cant make her. So, I just say, okay, you're a big girl, if you really dont feel tired you can lay in bed and read a book.

Before she gets a cold her night time sleeping is terrible. Like a battle royale. Even the suggestion of bedtime would make her hyperventilate. We try to offer her books, we turn on christmas lights, her regular light, then if all these suggestions fail, we ask her if she wants to watch Angelina Ballerina while she lays in bed. I felt so terrible letting her watch tv, but it seems to immediately calm her down.

I will definitely get How to Listen So Kids Will Talk and Talk So Kids Will Listen, I keep hearing great things about it. And the going along with her requests seems like a WAY better idea then repeating myself. I guess she acts so grown up so often, that when she starts acting like her age, Ive already forgotten how young she is and answer her like shes an adult. But playing along would be way better!

Just having posted this and had these responses has made me feel so much better. We havent had any fights today at all. I dont know anyone with a 3 year old, so its a huge help to see this is pretty common and Im not alone in my struggles!!

I always try to treat her like an individual, because I was raised in the "because i said so" environment and it did not work! I still did whatever I wanted, I just did it behind my parents back, almost in spite of them! I was a build in nanny (being a decade older than my brother), so I would always say "you trust me enough to take care of your child and drive him all over, but you still cant ASK me to help with the dishes, you have to tell me?" Im clearly mature enough to get a little respect!! I never want my daughter to feel like Im the dictator and her feelings and opinions dont matter! But I dont want to be a pushover either. Sometimes it would just be so much easier on my nerves to say, "go change your clothes" and for her to say "okay" and then go do it!

Thanks Mommies!!! You all have been a HUGE help!!!

[my_baby_love]

I came here to post a really similar issue. I'm glad to see my DS isn't the only one who completely fixates on something like that. Hang in there - you aren't a bad mommy. It sounds like you are doing a great job trying to be respectful of your DD!