running different directions and other joys

[peacechief]

I've got twin boys who will be 3 in ten days, and I need help! I feel like I'm losing control of them. They are starting to get much more independent, and are feeding off each other - when one starts acting up, the other joins in the fun, and I'm really struggling. For instance: Today we were leaving a parent/child class that we're taking and they started running away from me in the parking lot. I finally got them both onto the sidewalk and headed toward the car (more dragging than walking) when one broke free and ran away from me and the car down the sidewalk. I was carrying a big pillow and a bag and even if I hadn't been, they're definitely too big for me to carry both and it's rough to carry one and hold the other's hand. So I let the one run away on the sidewalk (it was a nearly deserted parking lot, but still I felt like a terrible mom) while I dragged the other to the car. Meanwhile the running away one starts bawling when he sees that I'm walking away to the car, so I get the first one in, run back to get the second and carry him to the car... All the while I know the teacher must be watching, and we've got an application in at the school for preschool which I'm sure they must be pulling after seeing how I treat the boys... But I just don't know how to handle it when they do this. And I know that me getting angry and dragging them along, or yelling at them just makes their game more fun, but I just feel myself losing control of the situation....

What have you found that works?

And a somewhat related question - one of my boys is in a really contrary phase - whatever someone says, he says the opposite, he always says he doesn't like things, even when you know he does, at class he says (very loudly) "that wasn't a good song".... Everything is "no"... I'm hoping this is a stage, too, and a means of getting attention. Any tips? I'm trying to just not react to it and hope it goes away, but it makes me sad that he acts this way, and it inevitably ends up pushing my buttons...

Help!

[Red Pajama]

It is a hard age. My twins were not yet three when we added our singleton, and I'll be honest it was hard to leave the house alone. A few things worked over time and with repetition.

If I could state expectations clearly before we went in somewhere, as in: you must stay close to me. My job is to keep you safe, and to do that, you must stay close to me.

I made parent leashes for the twins to hold. This only works in confined spaces or areas that aren't super critical, because they holding on to the leash is voluntary. It's basically a short dog leash attached to my belt loop, or the shopping cart.

I bought a twin stroller that fits through doors and has big, inflated tires.
The main reason was so I could take exercise walks with the kids, but it's been a godsend for places like the library.

[gmvh]

I'm feeling luckier and luckier that my two were happy stroller riders (heck, I think my son, at almost 5.5 would ride in the stroller if I'd dig it out) BUT I think I did a lot of talking/telling them what we were doing and how I expected them to behave and why.

"We're about to walk into the parking lot. Cars cannot see you so you must hold my hand/stay close to me/keep up with me so you are safe/do not get hit. We're getting into our car seats and going home/wherever."

I did it a ton going into stores - "We're going into the grocery store. You're going to ride in the cart because it's too busy for you to walk without someone crashing into you. We're getting food and that's it."

That sort of thing. Over and over and over. In circumstances like you described, an empty parking lot that was mostly safe, especially if the child was on a sidewalk, I let him/her go. It's the chase that makes it fun, isn't it? The teacher/staff member should not think any less of you and if s/he was truly concerned s/he should be out offering to lend you a hand, not judging. Work on your super hearing skills and take care of things as efficiently as you can.

If I did get the second child to the side of the car with me, I'd do a fair bit of "touch the car while I..." I also got in the habit, early on, of putting both children in the car before anything esle. Both in and then corral them into their car seats and then load the other things. It was a pain to sometimes dig someone out from under the steering wheel or some other equally inaccessible spot but they weren't in the parking lot running loose.

I think being contrary is something that passes for most children. I'd say most anything a 2/3 year old is doing is not necessarily indicative of future behavior and to try not take it to heart. You either deal with it or rearrange your speech/questions/requests of the child to not have situations drive you nuts.

Hope these situations improve quickly!

[Shuli]

Mine are two and half and have been doing this for a while. I make sure that I make short statements when we are in the car and just parking, like "we are in a parking lot, the rule is to hold hands". I don't explain why, that is just the rule.

On the way to daycare there are stairs and one of the kids has a tendency to strike and just sit down and refuse to come inside. (And nothing any of the other parents say will convince him come down). I just give him his time (if I can, sometimes I just go and carry him down) and he will do it on his own. There are very few rules in our house, but the rules we have are strictly inforced - so there is some leeway, but when it comes to safety you don't get a choice. I have two harnesses that I have used on them when I don't trust them to hold onto the stroller in public areas. They don't get a choice about wearing them, and even though theya re not so keen on them, they know that as soon as it is safe, we take them off.

I would just be clear about the rules and concequences of running off. And if the teacher is so judgemental, as her to help you to the car.

[peacechief]

Thanks for the ideas. Maybe I'll have to consider some type of harness... I don't want to, but it might save us a whole lot of stress.

In defense of the teacher, I don't know if she even saw, and if she did, what she was thinking. In my embarrassment and feeling out of control and losing my temper with the boys and being more rough than I want, I just felt like she must be thinking badly of me. But I don't really know. Sometimes I just feel like such a bad mother! Just the mom I always used to see and think badly about...

[OGirlieMama]

The teacher was probably thinking "Oh that poor woman, I don't know how she does it." Really.

My girls haven't been big bolters so I'm not much help on that front.

[cdahlgrd]

I used a single stroller a lot when they were 3 (because they would rock the double and tip it over, sigh.). If 1 was contained, the other would listen better.

I would turn, and say, "bye, see you later!" It was HORRENDOUSLY hard, but they were running into traffic and he had responded to this before. There was no way I could reach him in time (I could reach 1, but not both). It worked, but I will have nightmares for the rest of my life!

If you run off, then you have to hold hands ALL the time we are outside or be in the cart/stroller. Twin A spent most of year 3 held or contained! sigh.

Other people didn't seem to have trouble with their kids, but I did. Some of it was, they saw thier older brother cross streets without holding hands and they are also VERY independant. It has gotten much better since their 4th birthday! Well, the running away has, but their fighting has gotten worse.

[f&p'smama]

I did a lot of what PPs mentioned.

I made it very clear what my expectations were. "We're going in a store. In a store we . . . "

If they ran from me somewhere we didn't go back and I made it *very* clear why.

I also explained and explained and explained why it wasn't safe to run from me. I said a lot of, "Cars can't see kids. You need to stay by me or else you could be hit." When they got it, it was a lot easier.

Mine were roughest at 2-1/2 and have gotten easier and easier since then. Three was still hard, but it was easier than 2.