maybe PPD?.. . unrational thoughts/fears..

[ithappened]

I am wondering if anyone else is having these moments/days of feeling like having a baby might have ruined your life?

I have these 'freak outs' where I think, and out of nowhere usually, how my life is over, and how I am stuck now because I got married, moved to another country, and had a baby. I sort of panic and feel like a deer in headlights.

I feel like I just shot my career in the foot, its hemorrhaging and I am just slowly watching it die and there is nothing I can do to bring it back to life.. .. . and I am never going to have a life again with any purpose..., I am going to be 'stuck' because I had a baby and I got married and now I am this track of 'normalcy' and next thing I know I am going to be 60, boring, and have never done anything with my life but be a boob and a diaper washer. I seriously consider wanting to run away from everything--.... and then I wake up and the next day feel fine.

I am really feeling panicked some days and I suppose it doesn't help that we have zero support/help here.. it just makes it all the more overwhelming and scary.

Sorry this is all really embarrassing to write out and admit.. but I have to ask somehow

[aiea]

Hi,

I totally understand, having been there and (occasionally) still have those thoughts & feelings. I have a 3.5yo and a 10mo.

I had just gotten real "footing" and DH was just finishing college when our plans were knocked out of the way and baby #1 was coming. I can remember silently thinking "NO! Not me, not now" when I first knew I was pregnant. FWIW, we did not know we could have kids, DH was considered infertile and we had no birth control for 6-7 years.

I like to watch those parents with older kids... they can sit at a picnic table for 2-3 hours while their elementary school aged kids run and play. They haven't been boobs or diaper washers for months (no, years!). They do have their own lives back. This is just temporary.

For me, it's about recognizing what we DO have - healthy, happy babies and a stable life that will continue and evolve into less dependence. If I have these thoughts, I force myself to enjoy myself. Sounds weird but I know it helps. If you can do something that seems productive job-wise, even if it's reading a professional text by flashlight while nursing babe to sleep, that counts.

Hugs to you from across the pond!

[AustinMom]

I think every stage of parenthood is a major adjustment, especially when you are new parent. I went through a HUGE bout of PPD and PPanxiety. I thought I was crazy, ungrateful, ruined, and life was just sucky all around. I don't know if yours is as bad as mine, maybe it is, it's hard to post the nasty side of motherhood for the WWW to read. I never did, especially in the midst of it, because I felt it would make me feel worse and people would judge me.

I highly recommend people support groups. Maybe through a meet-up like group of new young moms? It really helped me to blog about it. I always journaled when life was crappy but writing by hand was too time consuming. I use blogspot as my blog, it's free, and you can post some entries and not others if you want them private.

There are lots of fulfilling things you can do as an individual while you are a mother. I don't know what career you are in, so it's hard to say for you particularly.


This too shall pass.....

[balancedmama]

Oh, your baby is so little still. During that time, your whole identity can get turned upside down. Everything you felt that you once were is gone, not to mention you feel that you're an indentured servant to this little demanding person. Their needs are overwhelming. It WILL get better. It might be PPD but whether it is or isn't, I think it will get better. Support groups, or even finding one friend who is going through the same thing...those kinds of connections will help you get through it. Once your wee one is a bit older, you will begin to have small opportunities to feel connected to yourself again. You may not feel like being the same person anymore, and that's okay too.

[wombato]

Oh, do I feel your pain! My precious little one was born in May 2009, so he's almost 9 months. I swing from feeling so thrilled that he's around (naturally, when things are going well and he's happy), and then allowing the true thoughts to run through my head when I'm feeling stuck and frustrated: you've wrecked my life, I need more than 20 minutes to feel like I've accomplished something, I wish you'd never been born, having a child was a huge mistake, I can't stand being in the house like this.

None of this is his fault, which then brings on some feelings of hopelessness and guilt. I never wanted to be that mom who lashes out (occasionally, but I do say painful things). I say these painful things in front of my husband who works from home, making him feel miserable too. I keep working on my little one's sleep. He'd only been napping for 1/2 hour while I was trying to get some paper together to make notes from a gardening book. He cried out, and I called out "[some expletive] just sleep!" I immediately felt terrible. In spite of this, I went straight to him, gave him a breast, and nursed him back to sleep...for a decent-length nap. Woo!

Like you, I feel this is embarrassing to talk about, and I don't feel like I can talk about this with anyone. We moved to a different state near the end of the pregnancy. I feel so isolated. I'm not great at making friends, very slow to do so. I try making more casual acquaintances with less in common with me, and I end up feeling so inauthentic that I don't follow up with those. I care about my food and the choices I make with my baby, and it bothers me not to have enough overlap in interests with someone.

I've gone to mommy groups, and will continue to go, but not very frequently. I'm hardly getting out of the house, living in a rural place and ensuring that my child gets his 2 naps a day! I'm so lucky to have a husband who does some of the shopping!

I'm also lucky that my husband recognizes that this is a short period in my life. Things have to get better in the coming years. We will get out more, meet more people, etc. Some days, I don't even make it to the neighbor's, in spite of an open invitation to come over.

In my life, there was this notion that I would have some kind of useful "career," meaning I spent a lot of years in grad school for a Ph.D. I abandoned in the middle of pregnancy. I realized I was a terrible academic, hated the Ph.D. process, and would rather have a family and homeschool and farm. Now I'm enduring the shock of starting over.

And we plan on having at least one more child! I resolve, yet again, not to say nasty things to my baby or my husband.

I see you live in the Alps...I bet it's beautiful there. That's a little consolation, right?

[Lori1604]

Have you tried medication yet? Zoloft has quite literally saved me. I am ME again. I have been where you are. It's no fun at best, and at worst, absolutely the lowest feeling in the world.

I hope things get better for you.

[ithappened]

wombato- yeap its beautiful here but thats about it. I miss my family and having more then 1-2 friends.. i feel pretty isolated because we live in an area which sort of rejects 'forgieners' and moving back to the US would be an expensive/long process since my DH would need a visa.. .

Lori I havent tried meds yet. I plan to go to talk to my doc about it when i get back from our current visit to family

[Hokulele]

I am so sorry you have moments when you feel this way. You need to take a good look at yourself and recognize all the changes you've weathered. Each one of those things (married, new country, baby) is a HUGE adjustment. The baby, of course, is an enormous change in your life and I think it is totally normal to panic a little about it, and about the loss of your previous self. Don't be embarrassed. I think most moms can identify with what you are saying.

I like what the pp said about noticing parents of older children. It is true, the baby years are fun, and babies are fascinating, beautiful little creatures. But the first couple years are HARD. Older kids do allow you a little more space to be yourself. And they turn into these crazy fun, interesting little people with their own lives that you get to help guide and then watch as they shape themselves. No, that's not to say it is a replacement for your career / your own life. But your involvement becomes different as they grow.

You may not ever be the same person you were before you had kids, but I doubt you'll end up boring! Far from it. This new stage in your life is just yet another interesting facet of the person you are becoming.

I know it must be difficult where you are, to say the least, but try anything you can to connect with other moms. The closer their kids are in age to yours, the better.

I don't know what your career was before, but any way you can stay in touch might help. Read journals related to the field, stay in touch with former colleagues etc etc. Realize that leaving a career for a while is not such a bad thing, you gain perspective and can return to it (if you choose to) with a new fresh look at life.

[wombato]

I know what you mean about having more than 1-2 friends. I picture my little one having lots of caring people around, to play with, to grow up with. What's even harder is that my family is not warm, fuzzy, cozy kind - I need them far away. I know it will take time, but I still get upset.

[PPDHelp]

Hi!

I would like to let you know that your feelings of being "trapt" are normal!
We all have moments like this when change occures in our life...questions of did i make the right decisions? will i ever be happy again? What about all the plans I had when I was younger. These are all normal again. Even for those without PPD.

If you feel like these feelings are a direct cause of your post natal chemical imbalance then I would reccomend speaking with your physician about them, they are there to help. He or she Might advise medication, and that is YOUR CHOICE.

Try to take a deep breathe and bring thoughts into your head about how exciting it will be to watch your child grow up, about all the nice new things you ENJOY about the new country you are in. Also try and take some time out for yourself ( I know hard with a new born!) simply things like taking 10 min to drink a cup of tea while the child is asleep or read a magazine can do wonders.

[agoldenlife]

Originally Posted by ithappened

I have these 'freak outs' where I think, and out of nowhere usually, how my life is over, and how I am stuck now because I got married, moved to another country, and had a baby. I sort of panic and feel like a deer in headlights.
I feel like I just shot my career in the foot, its hemorrhaging and I am just slowly watching it die and there is nothing I can do to bring it back to life.. .. . and I am never going to have a life again with any purpose..., I am going to be 'stuck' because I had a baby and I got married and now I am this track of 'normalcy' and next thing I know I am going to be 60, boring, and have never done anything with my life but be a boob and a diaper washer. I seriously consider wanting to run away from everything--.... and then I wake up and the next day feel fine.

I am really feeling panicked some days and I suppose it doesn't help that we have zero support/help here.. it just makes it all the more overwhelming and scary.

Sorry this is all really embarrassing to write out and admit.. but I have to ask somehow

Thank you so much for your honesty! I swear that when I was reading your post it sounded so much like my life and feelings right now!
It is a bit embarassing to write these things but I know for me it is so helpful to vent and share what I am feeling. It's so good to know that I am not the only one. Of course I wouldn't want anyone to suffer like this, but still it helps to know I am not alone. It can be so lonely and isolating. So many mamas are so happy and seem to have it all together. Although, I know that in our society shareing your views about the difficulties of motherhood is not very well tolerated thus many mothers and fathers remain quiet. For how can one admit that even though you love your little one, sometimes you just don't like them and all that comes with the responsibility of being a parent.

I have been going through a pretty bad case of PPD for the last 8 months. I must admit that this has been the hardest and most demanding thing I have ever done. The depression only makes things that much more difficult. I think I really know what it feels like to be pretty close to loosing your mind.

I knew it'd be hard and demanding and quite the sacrifice. But I find that I am so overhwlemed. I too, often wonder if having a baby wasn't a mistake, as it is so hard for me. Why does it feel like such a tremendous sacrifice? Will I ever be me, again? At least somewhat. I too agree with you about feeling that now I am on this track of 'normalcy' and my life is forever changed in drastic ways that leave me wondering why I ever wanted a child.

On a positive note; I have an amazing husband who has been extremelly supportive and loves our daughter so much that he never minds spending some extra time with her when I need time alone. As I really need it.
In the meantime I keep telling my dd she's lucky shes so cute and that she takes naps!

You are not alone. There are times when it's just not one day at a time for me but one moment at a time. I know this too will pass. Somehow they always do.

Big hug to you and all the mamas who are having a difficult time.

[ithappened]

There is just the innate belief I have had lately that whatever more is to come, will not replace what is, but will only be heaped onto everything else... and how I will continue to keep my head above water when I am barely keeping afloat already is not only a mystery but feels dauntingly impossible. My work is really suffering, my relationship with my husband is laughable we're both so exhausted, I feel like walking zombie most days. . By 10am most mornings, I've already been up for six hours, and all I see is the endless sleepless weeks stretching ahead of me forever.