Who did (will) you invite to the birth? - Page 2

[mishaj]

At my dd's homebirth, I invited my sister- she is a photographer and I wanted her to take photos, and my dad. My birth wasn't long or complicated, but I went into labor at 10pm at night and after 18 hours, my dh needed a nap and it was so nice to have my sister by my side, feeding me popsicles, walking with me, helping me into the shower...

My dad was in the house for the last few hours of labor, he mostly ran errands, made tea for the midwives, kept everyone fed- and shoveled snow so the midwives could leave... when it came time to push, I really wanted him there- so he sat in the rocking chair while I was in the birthtub and was present for the birth. I have never in my adult life been naked in front of my dad but birth is pretty consuming- I had bought a new full coverage sports bra for the birthtub- nope- never happened. It was beautiful and amazing to have both my sister and my dad there.

I love the idea of if you are unsure- have them in the house to help- fetching towels, heating heat packs, feeding midwives, feeding pets...you can always retreat to the privacy of your room/ bathroom and if it feels right- to ask them there...

Good luck deciding!

Mj

[Juvysen]

I remember being in labor last time and just wanting *everyone* to get the heck out of my house. And it was only Dh, the two midwives, their assistant and my mom who was caring for my 18 month old. They weren't in the room with me, but I could *hear* them even though they were at the other end of the house. Like I could feel their vibe or something, even when they were quiet. Dh was just quietly sitting in the room with me and I wanted him OUT... but couldn't voice it.

I remember afterward thinking I was just going to make everyone go outside while I labored and give them a walkie-talkie or something to let them know if I needed them If I didn't have all these "what if" fears, I'd totally UC. I totally "get" the idea of just doing it all yourself because you don't want anyone near you (though I realize a lot of UCers just don't have a doc/midwife, but do have other people there...)

I'm normally fairly extroverted, fwiw.

[crazyrunningmama]

Originally Posted by ivymae

I didn't mean to say x=y for everyone, just that for me, being an introvert made the decision easy.

Oh, I didn't think you were generalizing, I just think it's funny how I was (I would have assumed that I'd be a 'bring the party in here' kind of person cause that's how I normally am, but labour is just so unique). To the OP, I agree with PP's that it might be best to just have your dh and have your best friend "on call".

[sunfish21]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4/4/10

Also, how do I tell the moms that we love them, but they are not welcome at the birth of their first grandchild?

Moms, we love you so much. The birth of our first child is something that we would like to keep private so that I can focus on doing the hard work of laboring. Once that baby is out and we have had some time together to bond (you determine how long that is) we can't wait to introduce you!

Feeling watched or pressured in labor is not helpful. It is ok to want some privacy or just certain people there.

[matthia]

Great thread!
My first (intended HB) is still a few months away but I have been going over this A LOT. Most of me just wants the midwives and my DH.

I don't know how many people experience this, maybe it's my age (25), maybe it's because it's the first grandbaby, but BOTH of my parents alluded to being at the birth within minutes of discussing a HB. And the BOTH live about 12hours away so how they think they're going to manage this, I don't know. (I'm not saying I'm not going to labour for more than 12 hours but still....) So, I still have that to deal with. My dad, I love the guy, but he is NOT going to be at the birth. My mom....I'm waffling. Part of me wants her there, part of me doesn't. We aren't best friends, but she has been through 4 births, 2 at home and one great hospital birth. I've got time so I'm planning on waiting a while, see what my pregnant brain decides.

I also was going to have my best friend there but things have gotten a little strained between us in the last few months. She's constantly travelling so I don't see her much but I did write her a REALLY long email explaining how I've been feeling and detailing exactly what I expect from her for the birth, if she intends to be there. I want her as a substitute doula, basically, not just a spectator. Anyways, she's in India at the moment so it might take her a while to respond but she's the only other person besides my DH that I really want to be there, if she agrees with the restrictions based on her...

I already kind of feel like I'm going to want privacy and intimacy, so the thought of more people kind of freaks me out.

[ann_of_loxley]

We are planning an unassisted home birth.

DH and our son will be there of course! (now active they are duing that time is another question - answer to be known when the actual day comes! hehe)...

But I will also have a very close friend (and my chosen birth partner) there and her sister (who will be my photographer)!

Thats all! ...House isn't very big! lol

[RedOakMomma]

I've been the "only other" in the room and it was fine. I was there to support my friend, there to reassure her that she could do it, and there to take some photos after birth. Apparently she liked how it went, because she invited me back for her second birth.

My own births have been private, but with this third birth I'm thinking of inviting my friend. I have a lot of confidence that things will go well, and I'd like to share that experience with her if I can. We'll see, though--before I invite anyone, I want to get closer to the day and see what my thoughts and feelings are.

As for holding the baby after birth...I don't think that will be an issue. It's such a sacred thing, those first moments, the first breastfeeding...I can't imagine someone getting pushy about holding the baby. At the births I attended (admittedly, only two), no one asked for the baby. It was entirely up to the mom. Even my friend's mom waited until she was asked.

If it's a moment you'd like to share, then go for it. You could always let them know ahead of time that you'll ask them to leave the room temporarily IF during the labor something starts to feel "off" about having others in the room. There's nothing wrong with that!

[ElaynesMom]

My mother was at the birth of my dd and I really regret it. It still makes me really upset.

My mother and I are not close, in fact I'm not really close to any of my family. Whild I was pregnant my mother began talking about how she was going to be at my birth, how it was only fair as her mom was at her first birth and how I got to watch the birth of my younger brother. When I told her I didn't want her there she got upset. The rest of my family told me I probably should have here there, and I felt a lot of pressure.

When the big day finally came, we (my dh and I) headed to the hospital. When the doctor checked me I was 7 cm, and the guilt started to set in. I had my husband call my mom to come because it became a now or never kind of thing, and I didn't want her to be angry with me.

She arrived when I was 9 cm and screaming in pain. The nurse kept telling me I needed to stop screaming because I was scaring the other patients. At this point my mom thought it would be a good idea to cover my mouth with her hand to try and stop my screaming. I managed to pull away from her as I couldn't breathe, but was in too much pain to ask her to leave by that point.

I only pushed for a few minutes and then a hoard of other people started coming in the room. Apparently my mom had called my aunt and uncle who were in town visiting as well as my sister who was out with her friend. And they all came in the room as I was spread eagle and being stitched up. This included my sister's friend who I HAD NEVER MET.

I hardly got to hold my own baby, and certainly wasn't able to nurse her within the first hour as everyone else was holding her and I was too shy to say anything.


I would never, and I mean in any circumstance, have her at any future births I may have

I guess it was my own stupid fault for not being more assertive.

[honeybee]

As long as you have your mws there the whole time to provide labor support for you, you don't necessarily need anyone else.

[zannster]

Currently I'm planning to have DH (possibly DS - not sure), my midwife, and a doula. There was originally going to be an apprentice MW as well, but she decided midwifery was too demanding of her time and dropped out of the picture. Now I'm contemplating whether I want to have a friend there or not. I'm fairly self-conscious, and I don't know if I would be comfortable naked in front of this friend. I think it's going to be weird enough with the audience I have.

[rootzdawta]

Moved from I'm Pregnant to Birth and Beyond

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by ElaynesMom

I guess it was my own stupid fault for not being more assertive.

None of that is your fault. How on earth could you EVER expect people to behave like that?! HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR! Covering your mouth, inviting a crowd--just awful.

I would have been too stunned to react, I think.

[Belle]

For my first birth my dh and my mother were there. There were also 4-5 hospital staff. I wouldn't have been opposed to my MIL being there too, but she was out of town at the time of the birth. My mom drove me nuts in labor, I learned to never invite her to a birh again.

For my second (at home) Dh, DD1, MIL and our midwives were there. Mom was not invited.

[KristyDi]

In addition to my DH my mom and sister were in the room while I was pushing and when dd was born. During labor my MIL and SIL visited for a bit, so did my dad and brothers.

I'm comforted by my family so I'm glad my parents and siblings were there. Since my MIL and SIL were unobtrusive and there's no friction between us, I didn't mind having them there.

I really think it hard to be sure what you'll want till you're in the middle of it.

[craft_media_hero]

Nobody!

Just me and dp. We are inviting a midwife. I hope she's okay with being hands-off and just coming in the room if we need her.

With my first (hospital birth), there were more people than I wanted, and one that I had definitely said NO to earlier who just pushed her way in (grrrr). This time, we're calling the mw when I go into labor, and nobody else!

If it's at night, we'll let dd sleep. If not, we'll call my godmother to come get her with the explicit instructions that she is not to tell anyone we are in labor. My godmama is the only other person I can imagine in the house, coz I know she'll be happy to just hang out with dd, be "door guardian", and make snacks or whatever. Even my sis is not invited (which is touchy coz I was there for 3/4 her births) because she is a very "medical" nurse type and not particularly supportive of what I want for this birth.

If my MIL gets a whiff that the baby's on it's way, she will be banging on our door and pushing her way in. She makes me clench up, so I specifically do not want her there.

So hopefully nobody in the house but me and dp. Even the mw is a concession to dp; he wants a birth attendant there, which I'm "okay" with, but really don't desire. Maybe godmother as door guardian and dd's support person, depends on how things go.

I plan on having all the "stuff" ready ahead of time, so hopefully I won't need anyone to run around and get things, and dp can be with me the whole time.

[ElaynesMom]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

None of that is your fault. How on earth could you EVER expect people to behave like that?! HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR! Covering your mouth, inviting a crowd--just awful.

I would have been too stunned to react, I think.

Thanks so much for saying this, it makes me feel better to know that other people feel this behavious is bizarre. My mother seemed to think all this was fine. There is a reason we aren't close I guess.

[grumpybear]

I am of the minimalist persuasion too. During DS' birth, I only had my DH, MW, doula and doctors (it was a hospital transfer) with me. My mom was waiting for me to invite her but I decided that if there ever was a time in my life to be really, really selfish and make it all about me, it was for the birth of my baby. I'm sure it offended my mom and MIL that they weren't invited but my job is to give birth to our baby, not to please everyone. Besides, they got over it pretty quickly.

[slgt]

From where do you draw your strength? What lets you focus and be in a place of strength and peace?

Part of my birth preparation was finding my answers to these questions, and I know that I draw inner strength from being able to have self-awareness in the midst of chaos. While birth isn't chaos, it did require a lot of beautifully intense focus, and DH was just the right person to help me with that!

I had a hospital birth, and our doctor was in the room as much as we wanted her to be. There was also one primary nurse who was with us throughout. They got whatever we asked for/wanted, and DH was a great support for me. The doc respectfully stepped in at a place where some experienced guidance was helpful, and no one interfered with the synergy that DH and I had going on.

So for us, having others in the room would have been distracting and possibly unhelpful. Everyone is different, though.

My SIL had her mother in the room with her for I think her first birth, and found her to be not very helpful. Her mom wanted to keep talking to her and asking her what she could do for her - whereas a good birth partner is prepared and knows not to ask questions like, "How can I help you?" during birth. Because the birthing woman just might answer

[BetsyS]

I consider myself pretty introverted. With my first, I really thought that I'd want to be alone with my dh (at the birth, and for a time afterwards). My mom and dad (not together) both ended up coming for labor/birth. I had a c-section, so they weren't in the room, but they were there in recovery.

It was great. They went home after the birth, and they didn't come back to the hospital (I delivered 1 hour from my home; 2 hours from their homes). I was so lonely!! Crazy lonely. All my friends nad family were leaving me alone, just like I'd asked, and it made me nuts.

So, the second time, I chose to deliver in my hometown (still an hour from home, but where my family and many friends live). I had a waiting room full for the birth, which was awesome. We were there 36 hours, and there was someone visiting the whole time. It was fabulous!! Even dh was surprised that it made me so happy. But, it did.

It's like birth brings out this weird side of me that finally likes people. So, I'm on the side of tell the folks to stay home, but you'll call when you're ready to see them. Then, if you want them, CALL.

[caiesmommy]

I had a hb with both.
My ds was born at my inlaws(we were living there) and mother in law was there. And I didnt like it And dh hated it..I mean HATED it. He felt really nervous about the birth in general, then felt like he couldnt get comfortable with her there. On the plus she did get to witness her first birth which eventhough she had two boys vag. they knocked women out right before pushing stage so she never "saw" a baby be born..and we got wicked after birth pictures. downside is I swore and MIL was there and I felt awkward..not tomention she saw EVERYTHING including a tattoo in an area that you dont expect amil to ever see

DD we had at our new home. Just me, dh, 2 midwives and a student..and a VERY curious cat and OH MY GOSH was it ever better. Dh felt a lot more comfortable. I felt more comfortable to complain/whine/tell my dh what a (Words that I cant put here) he was, stuff that I didnt obviously want my mil to hear. And I felt more rested and peaceful. I was able to birth just dh and I with the midwivesin another room.

I speak like my births were long
Ds active labour 3.5h(frm beginning to holding him)
Dd-45 m