I don't post often here, but lurk. I know loneliness comes up sometimes. I just need a place to post my own feelings of loneliness of late.
My family has always treated me like the oddball. I've had to overcome the psychological effects of their treatment, and feel more confident in myself. But whenever I'm around them, it's back to square one. Recently, things came to a head. My sister's husband, who has always disliked me, started an e-mail exchange with me to try and "sooth" our relationship, but he ended up with a page long list of all the vile thoughts he's ever had of me. It was filled with weird, hurtful, made-up stories. When I corrected some of them, his only response was, why would I make them up? I've put up with this for a dozen years. My sister's response was to say that she didn't mean for it to come out that way. What? It's true, but too bad I found out this way?????
After that, I told every one of my small family (mother, sister, brother) that I needed a break from them. I told them that I felt that part of the condition of being a part of this family was to hate me. Even people who marry in learns to hate me, and it's tolerated. But at work, I am well-liked and well-respected. My new-found confidence makes it harder for me to take all the disrespect from my family. The hardest part is going to be not seeing my nieces. I love them so much, and so does my son. But I'm not strong enough to be around them anymore. And as lonely as I am, I actually do feel more at peace.
The last weekend I saw my sister and her family, I just got through telling her how lonely I was. I'm having trouble finding connections in my neighborhood. There is one woman, who I thought was trying to be nice to me, but one time I had her daughter over for a play date, and she told me that I shouldn't get married. I asked her why, and she said because her parents wanted to keep making money off of me. I think she meant that I'm useful to them because I'm quick to help with babysitting and her uncle is my landlord. Someone I thought was a friend is just out to exploit me. I've made a few acquaintances here and there, but without a significant other, family, and close friends, I sometimes feel so exposed and vulnerable. I go to school events, and I feel like an island in a sea of happy, together nuclear families. My son, thankfully, seems very well adjusted and happy. He has a best friend, and though he has sensory processing disorder, he seems to be able to make connections in different settings. And of course, I am his support system.
The only time I don't feel lonely is at work. I get along with others, am respected, and I really love my job. So I'm thankful for that. But that only goes so far.
I have done internet dating, but I'm finding that without a base, without a net, small hurts become big hurts. I feel so insecure. I wonder if internet dating is even a good idea for me.
Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to let that out in some way.
My family has always treated me like the oddball. I've had to overcome the psychological effects of their treatment, and feel more confident in myself. But whenever I'm around them, it's back to square one. Recently, things came to a head. My sister's husband, who has always disliked me, started an e-mail exchange with me to try and "sooth" our relationship, but he ended up with a page long list of all the vile thoughts he's ever had of me. It was filled with weird, hurtful, made-up stories. When I corrected some of them, his only response was, why would I make them up? I've put up with this for a dozen years. My sister's response was to say that she didn't mean for it to come out that way. What? It's true, but too bad I found out this way?????
After that, I told every one of my small family (mother, sister, brother) that I needed a break from them. I told them that I felt that part of the condition of being a part of this family was to hate me. Even people who marry in learns to hate me, and it's tolerated. But at work, I am well-liked and well-respected. My new-found confidence makes it harder for me to take all the disrespect from my family. The hardest part is going to be not seeing my nieces. I love them so much, and so does my son. But I'm not strong enough to be around them anymore. And as lonely as I am, I actually do feel more at peace.
The last weekend I saw my sister and her family, I just got through telling her how lonely I was. I'm having trouble finding connections in my neighborhood. There is one woman, who I thought was trying to be nice to me, but one time I had her daughter over for a play date, and she told me that I shouldn't get married. I asked her why, and she said because her parents wanted to keep making money off of me. I think she meant that I'm useful to them because I'm quick to help with babysitting and her uncle is my landlord. Someone I thought was a friend is just out to exploit me. I've made a few acquaintances here and there, but without a significant other, family, and close friends, I sometimes feel so exposed and vulnerable. I go to school events, and I feel like an island in a sea of happy, together nuclear families. My son, thankfully, seems very well adjusted and happy. He has a best friend, and though he has sensory processing disorder, he seems to be able to make connections in different settings. And of course, I am his support system.
The only time I don't feel lonely is at work. I get along with others, am respected, and I really love my job. So I'm thankful for that. But that only goes so far.
I have done internet dating, but I'm finding that without a base, without a net, small hurts become big hurts. I feel so insecure. I wonder if internet dating is even a good idea for me.
Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to let that out in some way.
Mama!!!!!!!! I have no real advice, but can commiserate! I am very alone right now, too....
