overnights for 13mo- should i cave in?

[dziwozony]

ideally, don't want my younger son (13mo) to have overnights with his dad until he's at least 2yo. but my X is fighting for 50/50 for both kids (DS1 is almost 3yo) & i expect he'll keep fighting until a judge ruling says otherwise.

problem is, i'm not incredibly confident that a judge will go against 50/50. i left my X because he was emotionally abusive, has a temper, overall an awful partner. but none of it is solid enough to stand up in court. and he's never been directly abusive to the kids, just awful to me in front of them. sometimes i can get freaked out thinking of a stream of what-ifs, but really- i think he's probably fine with them. whenever they come back from spending time with him they're happy...whenever he picks them up they're happy to see him & barely say goodbye to me! so judging by their behavior, he's doing fine with them.

i am in new zealand & the family court is not likely to deny a father who is keen to be involved. i don't want my 13mo to do overnights yet because i am still breastfeeding him and i don't think he's emotionally ready. while new zealand is better than the US in a lot of ways as far as the culture being supportive of breastfeeding, there still aren't very many people who breastfeed past 1 year & i don't really expect a judge to say he can't stay overnight away from me due to this. my argument is that it will probably cause breastfeeding to end because he has a big feed before sleep & wakes up to nurse overnight & there are so many benefits for him to continue breastfeeding, but i feel like a judge will think 13 months is a pretty good run & he won't really suffer if he stopped now.

my X is offering to compromise at a schedule that is less than 50/50 as a transitional period while DS2 is so young (starting with 1 overnight per week). i'm not feeling very confident that a judge will give me what i'm asking for, & they may end up agreeing with the 50/50. i'm trying to decide if i should compromise now so it's at least partly on my terms.

anyone have advice? a 12-15 mo who does overnights away?

(just to map it out...my DS1 currently goes with dad friday morning-sunday evening & DS2 has two 6 hour afternoons per week)

[Goodmom2008]

What does your attorney say your stbx's chances are of getting 50/50? Overnights at this age?

I would fight the overnights for the younger one at this time. The compromise would be having your stbx take the younger one for all day on Saturday or Sunday in addition to the two visits during the week. I would do that until at least 18 months old and see how he handles that schedule and then try an overnight. Such as he goes from Saturday am to Sunday am. Or no overnights, but have your son go with his father (every other week-end because it's not fair if your stbx gets all of the fun time, more on this later) for both Saturday and Sunday, he just comes home to sleep. And then after a couple of months have passed, add the overnight. And work up to 2 overnights every other week-end.

Now to address the week-ends. Is your stbx getting your older one every single week-end? If so, that isn't fair to you. He's basically getting all of the funtime and you are getting all of the work time. Right now, they aren't in school so it's not that big a deal. Especially if you are home with them at this time. But once school starts or you go back to work, well, you need down time with them, as well.

And you are setting a precedent if you are letting your stbx take the older one every week-end. I would discuss that with your attorney, as well.

[robinchap1]

I only have a brief moment right now. I probably won't have more time until tonight or tomorrow. So I wanted to give a quick thought and come back later (you are also free to pm me if I forget to come back!).

I tried overnights at that age and ended up stopping them. More on that later.

What if you outline a gradual plan to your ex. Somewhat like the PP suggested. So that he sees that you are planning to work up to what he wants gradually. It won't be exactly what either of you wants, but that's what compromise is. And he will see that gradually, over time, he'll get what he wants. And you have time to help your little one adjust slowly...

More later...

Good luck. So hard.

BTW, your lo might still nurse when he is with you and still do ok when he's not. Mine did and I nursed until over 3 y.o. even with doing overnights.

[dziwozony]

thanks for the suggestions! i think the worst part of this is that i spend *so* much time thinking about it...it's pretty exhausting. our second mediation is on wednesday, so i'm just trying to come up with concrete suggestions. and i can't bother looking around the internet anymore because while i am trying to fight against overnights for my 13mo now, i also get really grumpy with the people who argue that all overnights are innappropriate for under 3's because my older son does really well with them! so it's just not that simple, you know?

i do think i should come up with a plan mapping out a build up to overnights. while i would like to wait until he's 2yo, 18mo is probably more realistic. i'm thinking even having one month where he only has the younger one for an overnight without the older one so that he can get into a rythm before adding another child.

one detail i forgot to mention that's siginificant is that we live 1 hour apart, so are currently both travelling 1/2 hour to do the exchanges 5 times a week, which gets pretty expensive! so one of his arguments for overnights is that it cuts down on travel. i'm just as keen as he is to cut down on driving, but not if my DS2 suffers because of it. so this would make a 3rd day for the little one a bit too much. but i am willing to make the 6 hour days 9 1/2 hours or so in the meantime.

i am still waiting for my lawyer to get back to me on what he thinks my chances are for defending against 50/50 & overnights. (i'm not incredibly impressed with this guy, but he's not awful either...just really busy).

my X does have the older one every weekend right now because he only works mondays & tuesdays & i'm a SAHM, so it works for us. but we are both wanting frequent reviews of the schedule at this point since the boys are so young & always changing developmentally. so we both expect things to change a lot by the time the boys are in school, plus i will probably have a job by then.

[Ceinwen]

My ex started overnights with our two girls when they were 6.5 & 1.5 - this past summer. I was reluctant to allow it for my younger dd, but I knew my ex would hand the toddler back if she had an extraordinarily rough visit.

We did start out gradually for the younger one - first one day, then two weeks, then one day, one night, and so on until she spent the full weekend there (Friday at 6 PM until Sunday at 6 PM). During the week my ex also calls around two times to say hi to the kids...

Honestly, I railed against the idea, and even if I go back in some posts here, I was absolutely horrified at the idea of my young toddler going for a day away - let alone overnight. Having said that, it's been a god send. Being a single parent is damn hard work, and I have little to no free time. Occasionally it's nice to have 48 hours to breathe...

Just wanted to let you know that it will be okay if the worst happens and your little people have to be away for a time.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by dziwozony

one detail i forgot to mention that's siginificant is that we live 1 hour apart, so are currently both travelling 1/2 hour to do the exchanges 5 times a week, which gets pretty expensive! so one of his arguments for overnights is that it cuts down on travel. i'm just as keen as he is to cut down on driving, but not if my DS2 suffers because of it. so this would make a 3rd day for the little one a bit too much. but i am willing to make the 6 hour days 9 1/2 hours or so in the meantime.

i am still waiting for my lawyer to get back to me on what he thinks my chances are for defending against 50/50 & overnights. (i'm not incredibly impressed with this guy, but he's not awful either...just really busy).

my X does have the older one every weekend right now because he only works mondays & tuesdays & i'm a SAHM, so it works for us. but we are both wanting frequent reviews of the schedule at this point since the boys are so young & always changing developmentally. so we both expect things to change a lot by the time the boys are in school, plus i will probably have a job by then.

By letting him have every week-end, you are setting a status quo. One where he might end up with every single week-end. Not something you want to do unless you plan on never taking your kids on week-end trips.

His living 1 hour away is a very strong argument against 50/50 physical. That simply is too far. Even for an overnight during the week. Your kids are going to be in school one day. Do you really want them to have an hour commute one way to school half the time?

Fight against it due to the distance. And if you are in a state that is stupid and has a presumption of 50/50 physical, you need to show that you are willing to consider it IF he moves to the same school district as the kids so that they don't have an unreasonable commute.

[dziwozony]

i guess another reason i was letting him have every weekend is because twice a week we attend Playcentre (parent run co-op for babies-5yo), & that's also when things like music classes are happening. there aren't usually any kid activities over the weekend, except over the summer (now), there are sometimes festivals/fairs. but maybe i should start alternating weeks so that he doesn't get to used to having them that switching it up when school starts becomes a big problem? it's a good point. god, i don't even want to *think* about school yet- i have no idea what we're going to do!

we both live in rural new zealand, so neither of us live in a convenient spot. but he has 100 acres that he's been on since 2000....i've only been in NZ for 4 years & now that i've moved out am renting a house that's on the market, so if someone buys it i'll have to move again. so i don't think it would be wise for me to start arguing that he should move because he's definitely more established than i am. i'm the one that chose to move an hour away (though, anywhere would be at least 1/2 hour from where he is- it's pretty isolated).

i actually think that our distance apart would be *more* of an argument for 50/50 because it means less driving & less car time for the kids if there are longer breaks in between exchanges.

but i appreciate your suggestions! it's good to think about this from all sorts of angles.

[Learning_Mum]

DS2 was 16mths when he started going overnight. He did fine with them. He was a bit clingier at nights than he used to be but nothing too noticeable.

BUT - he is bottlefed, not breastfed AND the kids only stay one night a week with H. He picks them up Sat morning, and drops them off Sun night after they've had dinner and a bath.

In in NZ too, and I can't see a judge awarding 50/50 to kids so young. At 13mths, a week is a long time to be away from your Mama, even if you are with Daddy.

ETA: We did four days and three nights over a holiday weekend and I know that was too much for DS2. He was really very clingy when he got home and H and I have agreed that at this stage it's really too long for him to be away from me.

[dziwozony]

learning_mum- have you talked about how long you're going to keep it at 1 night per week? is he keen to have more?

which part of the country are you in?

[Learning_Mum]

I imagine it will stay this way for a long time. We haven't actually talked about when or if things would change. I'm still a SAHM with the boys and H works long hours Mon - Fri, and can't really pick them up after work at this point (seeing as they'd both fall asleep on the way to his house and be up half the night).

He would like to see them more, and does when he can, for example, I think he's meant to be coming over for dinner tonight and if he has extra days off he sees them then. The kids are 4.5yo and 20mo so at this point is just doesn't make any sense for him to have them EOW etc because he'd just be picking them up after work and then dropping them back to me in the morning.

We're in Auckland. H is living on the shore so it's about a 20min drive to get to our place, depending on traffic.

I try to be as flexible as possible with him visiting them because I know it's best for the boys. They love seeing him and he loves seeing them.

I visited a lawyer when H first left and she basically said that there was no reason to go to court unless we had serious issues over custody. We have nothing to divide and when H left he said that he wouldn't be taking anything from the house.