"Keep your eyes on your goal", toddler commandments part 1

[sapphire_chan]

"Keep your eye on long-term goals. Toddler “behaviors” will fade; what will remain is how your child feels about himself and his relationship with you, which is based on how you react to those “behaviors.” "

From http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/...-commandments/

First of a 14-part series of threads.

(http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1194760 is the general thread. If you want to talk about another commandment, please start a new thread and post a link over in the general thread!)

[kgreenemama]

First of all, I love the Toddler Commandment list. I am now a subscriber of the API blog, and I put all the titles of the books referenced in the TC list on my Amazon wish list. (This feels like a grad class, except the most fun one I've ever taken - can I earn credit for this? Thanks for initiating all of this, Prof. Sapphire! HA!)

Yes, their behaviors will fade. I needed to remind myself of this while at Toys R Us this morning. DS (22 mo) put on his best TT in the checkout line, because he did not want to put his coat on. (It's 23 degrees here.) I probably looked the more foolish of the two of us, crawling around after him on the floor, trying to wedge him between my knees to get his hat on. A quick redirection to the baby Dumbo ride near the exit was all it took to stop the tears.

[Harmony08]

I like this. It is a nice sum up. Thanks for sharing.

[waiting2bemommy]

This is awesome and I printed it out and will be putting it up on the wall in our room. So many of our battles with ds turn into power struggles and I am constantly struggling with a balance between being overly permissive and remembering that he is JUST TWO and he is SUPPOSED to act like a 2 year old.

[mamazee]

I love this. What it means to me is that punishment sends the following message: "Your natural behavior, a normal part of being 2 years old, is bad." I try to teach, instead, that a 2-year-old's behavior is still maturning and that I can help them through that. It isn't bad and therefore it isn't worthy of punishment. It's just part of being 2, and I'll be there to gently help with the transition to 3 and beyond.

[sweetpeppers]

Cool. Thanks for sharing this. I'd never seen those. I'd like to combine the "stop saying good job" with the "talk less" one. So many "AP" parents I'm around can't seem to stop running their mouths. They feel the need to comment on everything their child does. I think that would be very annoying to me if I were a child.

[sapphire_chan]

Are they pre-verbal? If so, doing a running narration is a really really really good way to let the child hear all the words that matter to their life and give them the best chance to hear lots of helpful repetition.

(http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1194760 for general talk about the piece.)

back on topic
The "stay on goal" goes from big stuff like the difference between not wanting to be embarrassed and wanting your child to grow up well to smaller things like getting your child to perform verses helping them learn.

[sapphire_chan]

I've found that it really helps to know what's age-appropriate because the stuff that's age appropriate generally will go away with almost no effort in the same amount of time that it'd go away with constant vigilance and correction.

[smeisnotapirate]

I've realized that when DS and I are having a tough day, it comes down to me being really distant from him. I just want to fade into the wall or go back to bed, and he's having a screaming meltdown. I don't think to myself - I want to be connected and go back to being happymommy/happytoddler. I'm thinking - WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?? I really lose sight of our long-term goal to be attached and for DS to be secure that I'll always be there.

Today, DS (20mo) decided that when I wasn't giving him water in a glass, he was going to throw the glass on the floor. It shattered. Everywhere. I was so angry, but when I explored why, it was mostly because I had to get off the couch (a big feat at this point), put him somewhere where he wouldn't get hurt, and clean up the mess. I was angry about how inconvenient the whole situation was. It really surprised me, and I was able to not take out that (selfish) anger on DS. He was already scared enough from the breaking glass.

I didn't do so well with other things today, so that was a big victory for me. I kept the long-term in mind - the glass didn't matter, DS's safety and me not reacting negatively to his anger did.