Need to educate my family that I am not High Risk.

[SashaBear]

I'm ready to start educating my family about homebirth. I have 3 articles and Business of Being Born ready.
I think my family would be more open to homebirth if I hadn't had complications before. I had PIH almost pre-e with baby one and bedrest. I needed vacuum extraction to push him out. Pushing with epidural in the bed with a full bladder because they forgot to put in a catheter. Baby #2 was an induction after she wasn't moving (I think she was sleeping). She never engaged and we did a c-section. My family thinks this means I can't safely deliver babies. How do I change their thinking? My mom was mad at the first doctor because I wasn't c-sectioned. She thinks pushing 2 hours was too long. She was mad at the second doctor because he didn't c-section me soon enough. Neither one of my kids ever showed sign sof distress during labor, pushing or c-section.

[Belle]

IME you've got a lost cause. Getting your partner on board with the birth is more important than getting grandma educated. Share your materials if you like but be deliberately vague about specific plans.

My mom was mad at my midwives because I hemmorhaged during a miscarriage and was upset that I hired them again for my next pregnancy. She knew that we were having a homebirth, but that wasn't the issue. She was just freaked out about birth in general. She was very relieved after my baby was safely born at home. She was present during my first (hospital birth) and really annoyed me during it. All the details she knows about my homebirth is that it went too fast for me to call her during it.

[SashaBear]

My mom is my best friend and lives within walking distance. I talk to her almost daily and see her several times a week. We are very close. She has been to multiple OB appts with me. Having a homebirth is not something that I can hide from her or pretend not to let her know. She will be the one watching my kids during my labor.

[CookAMH]

I think you can try to educate them but ultimately, it's your decision and they need to respect it. It really comes down to that, regardless if they agree or not. If your mom still has issues, then it becomes a boundary problem and she needs to step back and let you be the adult you are.

I don't say that from past experience but from what I know is in my future with my ILs if we choose HBAC. My mom will be fine with it as she really trusts the decisions we've made so far even though she might not have agreed right away (ie circ, no vax, etc) but DH's mom would worry A LOT. But when and if the time comes, it will come down to DH repeatedly but kindly telling her, this is our decision and we believe we're making it in wisdom.

It's tough.

[ishyfishie]

Originally Posted by SashaBear

My mom is my best friend and lives within walking distance. I talk to her almost daily and see her several times a week. We are very close. She has been to multiple OB appts with me. Having a homebirth is not something that I can hide from her or pretend not to let her know. She will be the one watching my kids during my labor.

From this angle, I can understand! My mom lives upstairs from us and will be watching dd1 during our homebirth, and even if we didn't live in the same house, I wouldn't be able to just not tell her. My first birth, at the hospital, freaked her out and wasn't even "that bad" (pushing for 2 hours, slight shoulder dystocia that panicked her when the midwife calmly asked for help and a bunch of people ran into the room, some bleeding afterward). She's been an advocate of natural childbirth for 30 years and still came away from that saying, "Gosh, maybe you should've just had a c-section."

Anyway. She was skeptical of the homebirth, so we took her with us to the majority of our homebirth midwife appointments this time around, and I think that's really helped! (It also got dh from "supportive but skeptical" to excited about the homebirth.) She's had the chance to ask questions, get comfortable with the midwife, and is now willing to admit that while she's nervous, she'd be just as nervous with a hospital birth, it's not BECAUSE it's a homebirth that she's nervous.

I send her any positive articles I come across about homebirths, regularly mention "statistics" to reassure her, and though she didn't watch BoBB, she bought for me and then read Ricki Lake's "Your Best Birth" book.

[SashaBear]

Thanks Rachel. That really helped. My mom and I are very close. On the day I went into labor with my son, my mom had already cancelled her plans for the night because she KNEW I was going into labor that night. She knew before I did!

[sarahr]

What worked for my mom was explaining the most common complications and then telling her how the midwives deal with them (i.e. carry oxygen and pitocin for hemmorage). I also reassured her that if something developed during my pregnancy that made my assumptions about low risk wrong, I would be open to changing my mind. I think showing that I understood her fears and that I wasn't taking extreme risks helped her feel better.

Good luck! I repeatedly told her that I wasn't looking for her permission -- I was going to do a homebirth no matter what -- but that it was important to me that she feel comfortable that I wasn't putting her grandchild at risk.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by SashaBear

I'm ready to start educating my family about homebirth. I have 3 articles and Business of Being Born ready.
I think my family would be more open to homebirth if I hadn't had complications before. I had PIH almost pre-e with baby one and bedrest. I needed vacuum extraction to push him out. Pushing with epidural in the bed with a full bladder because they forgot to put in a catheter. Baby #2 was an induction after she wasn't moving (I think she was sleeping). She never engaged and we did a c-section. My family thinks this means I can't safely deliver babies. How do I change their thinking? My mom was mad at the first doctor because I wasn't c-sectioned. She thinks pushing 2 hours was too long. She was mad at the second doctor because he didn't c-section me soon enough. Neither one of my kids ever showed sign sof distress during labor, pushing or c-section.

Your kids weren't distressed by your labors, but your mom can't say the same. She was distressed, and she probably thinks that you were too. I think that her anger at their doctors is based in her distress, and in how *she* would have wanted to be treated in your shoes, not in the actual quality of your care.

There are a bunch of things you can lay out:
- Your first delivery probably wouldn't have been so hard if the circumstances (full bladder! no cath! lithotomy position!) had been different.
- Your second labor might have gone differently if more time had been allowed.
- You feel most comfortable at home and have good midwives.
- The medical establishment is still available, you just don't want it breathing down your neck.

And then, with all of that, you might still expect her to be a bit of a head case. After my daughter was born, my mother told me stories about her mom's worries when she (my mom) was pregnant - all kinds of stories about neighbors and friends who died or were terribly injured. I think my mom would have preferred it if my children were actually delivered to my house by storks.

[LilPenguinMama]

I had a similar concern. My doula reminded me that this is MY birth. I get to do it how I want.

For now, I've decided to not tell the family that I'm doing a homebirth. When I had mentioned it before to my parents they were just so shocked, scared, negative. I don't need to spend energy trying to win them over. I may tell them before hand, or I may just wait until ds is born, and let them know they don't have to drive to the hospital...we're already home!

[etsdtm99]

Originally Posted by SashaBear

My mom is my best friend and lives within walking distance. I talk to her almost daily and see her several times a week. We are very close. She has been to multiple OB appts with me. Having a homebirth is not something that I can hide from her or pretend not to let her know. She will be the one watching my kids during my labor.

this is my 3rd baby, first homebirth - and i have a similar relationship with my mom who lives right down the street.. when i told her about our plans she did freak out, but i was able to convince her that all of my complications in previous births were related to being in the hospital .. which was/is true for me.. its a little harder with pre-E but knowing that a midwife will also screen for that should help? and maybe have statistics stating how likely/unlikely it would be for that to happen again.. my mom was not present at either birth because she knew she would freak out and feel helpless.. with the first, she just left the room when it got bad, but overall she does better having a job (like, watch the kids) so that is what she will do this time.. it sounds like your mom is just concerned/worried about you and maybe telling her that as a mother you understand that would help?

[mrscompgeek]

All i can say is you have to make the right choice for you but here is how i look at it....
I had a bunch of people tell me i was nuts, dumb, dangerous.....but when it all comes down to it. YOU are the one who goes through 9 months of pregnancy, YOU have to go through labor.. When people tried to argue with me about my choices i told them I was the one pushing this baby out and ultimatly it was my choice, of course your husband needs to be on board and i understand you wanting your moms consent and all but YOU are the one having the baby, not your mom. I would try to make her understand and get her on board but when it comes down to it you have to do what you feel is right for you..


p.s. about babys position...the midwife checks that every week and if she thinks baby isnt in the right position she will try to turn baby/move baby first and if it doesnt work then you could discuss other options or going to a OB.