"Honey, I Wrecked the Kids" (book)

[sgmom]

I might have a new favorite book.

My husband is currently in our basement installing drywall, and I've been shouting quotes from it through the floor vents. Bless him for sharing my excitement and humoring me with positive feedback on a subject he really cares very little about (though he does find it all very interesting). Positive parenting comes VERY natural to him, so he finds it humorous when I get all excited about a new book. Book? He don't need no stinkin' book!

This book has been on my "to read" list for a while now, and was suggested by another member of this forum a few weeks back. I put it on hold at the library, and got the call this morning to pick it up.

Has anyone else read it? Thoughts? Opinions? So far, it's been added to my very, very short list of "must buy" books.

Absolutely LOVING it. So far.

[dutchgal]

I'm reading this for the second time, because I really do love it. The power struggles I have with DD are totally diffused when I remember the techniques in this book. I'm an absolute fan of this book....

[MommyDOK]

there is a recent thread about the author. It seems she is a big advocate of cio so recommend her books w/ caution.

[sgmom]

I'm VERY selective with ALL the information I get from all books. I certainly don't need a book to tell me how to parent, but I do enjoy reading them, and it's nice when I get something out of them.

I'm kind of surprised she's pro CIO though. So far (from what I've read) I would have never guessed!

[sgmom]

While the "attention seeking" part was interesting, I'm really not enjoying the "power struggles" section. I can see how she can work it into (and justify) the use of CIO... But no matter! That's not my style anyway.

[Thalia]

I am in the middle of reading it. It was recommended to me here on MDC a a "how-to" book for Unconditional Parenting.

I'm a little put off by her style, and a few writing errors in the introduction, but I'm trying to withhold judgment until I get all the way through. I think the idea of the "diagnosis" could be helpful.

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by Thalia

I am in the middle of reading it. It was recommended to me here on MDC a a "how-to" book for Unconditional Parenting.

I saw this thread too, and I strongly disagree that it's a how to for UP.

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by MommyDOK

there is a recent thread about the author. It seems she is a big advocate of cio so recommend her books w/ caution.

This is true. I read both her books and did not like her stance on CIO, however there is nothing about CIO in HIWTK. (She mentions it in her first book and her website in reference to attention-seeking behaviors in older babies and toddlers...it actually had nothing to do with the power struggle suggestions.)

Not to let perfect be the enemy of the good...I found most of her other suggestions to be useful and gentle. I particularly like her method of empowering children by making them responsible for everything they can do for themselves. We've stopped micromanaging DD and she is ready to take on the world now . I am working on not reinforcing behaviors that seek negative attention and diffusing power struggles, and her behavior has improved. What I liked is that it gives you practical tools to deal with behaviors without punishment, which is where a lot of positive discipline books seem to either compromise or fall short.

[sgmom]

I'm really enjoying this book (I'm past the power struggle section - I just found it a bit hard to relate to, although she did make several key points). I'm about 3/4 the way done now, and I would definitely suggest it to an "I've tried it all" parent.

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I am working on not reinforcing behaviors that seek negative attention and diffusing power struggles, and her behavior has improved. What I liked is that it gives you practical tools to deal with behaviors without punishment, which is where a lot of positive discipline books seem to either compromise or fall short.

I was thinking about this a few minutes ago. Long story short, my husband is a pushover and often our daughter will FIGHT him at bedtime. I lay with her for half an hour over 2 hours ago (she wasn't tired enough to fall asleep, but she was laying with me quietly), when I had to call him in to take over because my hips were absolutely killing me from laying on her bed (thank you, relaxin!). Well she SCREAMED for close to 2 hours, while he gave in 4 times and brought her to the living room (then back to bed, then back to the living room, etc).

Anyway, I must have fallen asleep because it felt like 30 minutes, but when I looked at the clock (and heard her freaking out) I was like "Oh, this is not happening". When she tantrums like this, it's really nothing more than screaming. There are never any tears. Give her what she wants and it's like Jekyll and Hyde. She turns it off quicker than you can snap your finger. She'll go from a MAJOR tantrum, to squealing and laughing in less than a second.

So I went in and said "That's enough. It's bedtime right now. Time for sleep" and took over. And WOWEE was she ever mad... for about a minute. We then had 10 or so minutes of cuddles and kisses and she fell asleep quite nicely. I came out and mu husband glared at me like "How do you DO that?"

I showed NO anger, and there was no punishment. I might re-read that power struggle section when I finish the book. Most of what I read seemed to target an older toddler, and a lot of it I found was not the technique I would be comfortable using (I could definitely see a pattern that would lead towards CIO), but perhaps I didn't read it with an open enough mind.

*shrug* Kids. Who wanted them anyway?

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by sgmom

Most of what I read seemed to target an older toddler, and a lot of it I found was not the technique I would be comfortable using (I could definitely see a pattern that would lead towards CIO), but perhaps I didn't read it with an open enough mind.

My 3yo seems like she is just barely old enough to get talked out of power struggles. I want to give it a lot of time though...she has never been called on before to come up with her own solutions so she is not very good at it. Usually I give her the alternatives and she picks. I am just barely starting to see voluntary good behavior and cooperation after about 3 weeks of using these techniques...hopefully the trend continues.

Maybe it is a good thing you don't relate to the 'power' section...maybe you don't have that problem??

Anyway...gotta go! Promised someone I'd set up the paints

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

Maybe it is a good thing you don't relate to the 'power' section...maybe you don't have that problem??

I wouldn't say that. My daughter is only 16 months old and VERY strong willed. I can definitely foresee many power struggles in our future.

A minor one happened today (although maybe I wouldn't call it a power struggle). We were at a friends house and I gave her a glass of water. She only drinks from a cup at home, and sippy cups are only for in the car - we unscrew the sippy part when we're not in the car and she drinks from it like a regular cup.

So I sit her down on a step thinking she'll take a drink then set the cup down, but she stood up and started walking so I pulled her back. She sat back down and took another sip, then stood up again. This time when I grabbed her she pulled her arm away quickly (mad at me, thinking I was going to take her cup away) and spilled her water.

At the time I didn't think about it because I was more concerned about water being spilled on my friends floor (even though she never spills at home), but I think she was walking towards the coffee table to set it down (this is what she does at home). So when I stopped her, she got mad.

It was a neat reminder to have a little faith in your kids that sometimes they really CAN do it.

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

Not to let perfect be the enemy of the good...I found most of her other suggestions to be useful and gentle. I particularly like her method of empowering children by making them responsible for everything they can do for themselves. We've stopped micromanaging DD and she is ready to take on the world now . I am working on not reinforcing behaviors that seek negative attention and diffusing power struggles, and her behavior has improved. What I liked is that it gives you practical tools to deal with behaviors without punishment, which is where a lot of positive discipline books seem to either compromise or fall short.

I just finished the book, and I wholeheartedly agree with this. I'm going to give the power struggles section another read before returning it to the library (I might even renew it to read it again next month), but this book has DEFINITELY been added to my "to buy" list.

I absolutely recommend it to all parents, no matter what your technique. I enjoy most of the parenting books I've read, but rarely do I find myself sitting back and taking any of it in.

Like all books I read, I don't take it all to heart. This book does not mention CIO, and like nina_yyc said, most of it did seem to be quite useful and gentle, and also seems to have a lot of information where other books seem to fall short.

from this reader.

[bubblesispreggers]

I did some digging and found this in ebook form and the reader you will need to open it, if anyone is interested.

http://www.sharewareebooks.com/eBook...Kids/inbrowser
Click the link to download it.

http://download.cnet.com/windows/305...?tag=pdl-redir
the reader to view it

[SweetPotato]

I had to dig up this thread to reply because I ordered this book after seeing a thread about it awhile ago (library didn't have it)-- and I have to say I LOVE it! I have a very intense 4yo dd, and I've particularly appreciated the new awareness of how the words we choose can sound like commands or can sound discouraging, and the effects that those resultant feelings can have on our children's behavior. I've definitely strived for gentle discipline, but have at times fallen in the way of being permissive, permissive, permissive, and then BAM authoritarian. This book has really helped me to be more conscious of soliciting dd's ideas and getting to the heart of her feelings rather than just responding to her behavior or issuing seemingly arbitrary decisions. We've had serious power struggles in our house, and , more recently, "revenge" in the form of mean words and occasional physical aggression. I definitely feel like we're starting to go through a shift in our relationship- and I'm optimistic about where it might take us.

I guess, reading back on this, it doesn't sound like anything earth shattering, or anything that I haven't read before. I think the practical examples are really what made this book more helpful to me than others (and I've read a LOT) Instead of platitudes and philosophy, there are some real stories that we can all relate to, and real suggestions for how we can change the interaction.

Yay!

[nina_yyc]

I tried the Family Meeting, Stage One, right out of this book this weekend. This is NOT the kind of family I grew up with...my mom and dad love each other but have some really serious communication hangups. It went really well! I was surprised when we exchanged appreciations that DH mentioned me making his lunch...I thought that was kind of taken for granted . DD didn't really get it and just repeated the example of appreciation I had given her twice, but she loved getting a chance to talk. Then we planned an activity together (went out to the park to take pictures) and did it the next day...if we hadn't done the meeting that wouldn't have happened this week since my DH has been working so much.

I *think* DD's behavior is continuing to improve, but it's sort of hard to tell. Our issues fall mainly into the 'attention' and 'power' categories and some of the attention seeking behavior has continued but it doesn't wreck our day anymore. DD does seem to have a little more respect for my time but she still doesn't play well alone. I've mandated 1/2 hour quiet time for the day (a) so I can get a break and (b) so she can practice playing alone. Yesterday she lasted 15mins, then came out and when I told her it was still quiet time, started throwing lego at my head. I thought yiiiiikes, maybe I am one of those people who shouldn't have kids. But when I ignored it and continued to have my quiet time reading a book, she found other things to do. She really does feel entitled to my every spare minute and until I read this book it didn't really click that that's completely unfair and I am not raising her to be a cooperative member of the family...I was so worried about scarring my child by being a working mom that I didn't realize I was enabling misbehavior.

The power struggles are still on but getting better. I am giving more choices and getting some voluntary cooperation, but I think it takes awhile to get out of that dynamic so I am trying to be patient. And wondering if I am one of those people who shouldn't have kids, and if I would have introduced these same power struggles if we hadn't both been working and so burnt out and pressed for time (so much guilt )

Today in the groc store DD rode in the cart the whole time and didn't cause trouble beyond a couple shrieks...big improvement from last week where I was the tantruming toddler mom.

[SweetPotato]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

The power struggles are still on but getting better. I am giving more choices and getting some voluntary cooperation, but I think it takes awhile to get out of that dynamic so I am trying to be patient. And wondering if I am one of those people who shouldn't have kids, and if I would have introduced these same power struggles if we hadn't both been working and so burnt out and pressed for time (so much guilt )

Today in the groc store DD rode in the cart the whole time and didn't cause trouble beyond a couple shrieks...big improvement from last week where I was the tantruming toddler mom.

Take it easy on yourself, mama! If it makes you feel any better, I've been home 100% with dd (now 4yo), very determined form the get-go to be gentle, etc.-- and we STILL have major power struggles, etc. at our house. I think that the expectations we've all got drilled into us about how kids are "supposed" to behave are what's really to blame for a lot of our perceived problems. Don't blame yourself!-- it sounds like your 3 year old is acting like a normal 3-year old

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I *think* DD's behavior is continuing to improve, but it's sort of hard to tell. Our issues fall mainly into the 'attention' and 'power' categories and some of the attention seeking behavior has continued but it doesn't wreck our day anymore. DD does seem to have a little more respect for my time but she still doesn't play well alone. I've mandated 1/2 hour quiet time for the day (a) so I can get a break and (b) so she can practice playing alone. Yesterday she lasted 15mins, then came out and when I told her it was still quiet time, started throwing lego at my head. I thought yiiiiikes, maybe I am one of those people who shouldn't have kids. But when I ignored it and continued to have my quiet time reading a book, she found other things to do. She really does feel entitled to my every spare minute and until I read this book it didn't really click that that's completely unfair and I am not raising her to be a cooperative member of the family...I was so worried about scarring my child by being a working mom that I didn't realize I was enabling misbehavior.

I think most of us, at some point or another, worry about screwing up. I know I've got some power struggles coming with my daughter, but I also have confidence in myself that I will be able to handle and diffuse them, without means of punishments or discipline. Kids have ways to tell us how they're feeling when they don't have the words to express them. What we need to do is help them find their words (for older toddlers) to help determine the cause of their behavior, and not punish the behavior itself. Stopping to give your daughter attention when she was throwing lego at you, IS attention. If she learns to be patient, that attention will come sooner than she realizes. She found other things to do (great! no tantrum!), you got your 15 minutes, then she got the attention that she wanted. Personally, I think this is fantastic.

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

I think the practical examples are really what made this book more helpful to me than others (and I've read a LOT) Instead of platitudes and philosophy, there are some real stories that we can all relate to, and real suggestions for how we can change the interaction.

I think this is what I enjoyed about it as well. And I've also read a LOT of books. This one might be among my top two... or maybe even at the top! I loved, loved, loved it.

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by sgmom

I Stopping to give your daughter attention when she was throwing lego at you, IS attention.

Nope, that's not what happened...I just let the lego bounce off my head I'm still on the wagon. Right now we're 21 mins into today's quiet time and not a word. But she looked pretty ragged, might be asleep. I'll take it either way.

Sweet Potato - Thanks, that does actually make me feel better. I don't think that working has caused half the problems that guilt has

I know my DD's behaviors are age appropriate but that does not mean that they don't need to be addressed. She is a very smart girl and I know she is capable of living cooperatively in our family. DH and I have used some coercive discipline in the past and we have not been clear enough on establishing our boundaries. I'm finding it's a tough (but worthwhile) road back to gentle parenting.

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

Nope, that's not what happened...I just let the lego bounce off my head I'm still on the wagon. Right now we're 21 mins into today's quiet time and not a word. But she looked pretty ragged, might be asleep. I'll take it either way.

That was exactly my point! Because you ignored the behavior, she found other things to do while waiting for you to finish what you were doing. I think that's awesome!