Why?!?!

[Sleepyheaded_Mama]

I have read so many storied like mine on this forum and others, it is making me sick. Maybe I need to stop reading and doing this to myself. Can anyone answer for me why these "fathers" who walk out, leave, and don't give a sh** for ages suddenly rear up and act entitled to ANYTHING and destroy our happiness and that of our children in the process?!? Why do these "fathers" get to pick and choose if and when they want to be involved with our children, yet mama who has been there through thick and thin every step of the way has to hand over the baby the second "father" decide to care?!? Where is the justice in any of it?!?

[griffin2004]

because despite the lip service given to the "best interests of the child", adults' "rights" are more important than kids' rights in the family court system

the legacy of "children as property" is deeply ingrained

[Marsupialmom]

I don't think it is just this easy -- or gender specific! OUR SYSTEM NEEDS A LOT OF CHANGE!

If you start listening to the other side of the coin with compassion and without accusing/assuming the guys being "evil" of "at fault" (which is often done). You hear and understand that PEOPLE can be flat out cruel.

I have a male friend that has custody of his children. His wife abandon them. He was divorced using abandonment laws. He got full custody with her not having any rights because she could not be found/refuse to come to court. He has been accused of abusing her and that must we why she left. When she decided to reappear she has caused him nothing but h*ll. She refuse to pay child support of $50 a month, until threaten with jail. She refuses to get a job. --he was told by the court to get over it he is a guy. She lives in a $500,000 with new husband. Because she was a snot and accused him of sexual abuse he could no longer bed share -- her daughter always question why dad would sleep on the floor right outside her door when ever she asked. Now that she 12 she understands what her mom did to cause them (him) grief. He almost lost custody because a judge presumed kids need their mom--especially daughters. At one point, these kids figured out that all this legal crap is why their dad had 2 job. They started visiting mom, having her buy them stuff then they would return it so they could have money for food...she could buy them an X-box while not paying $50. in child support.

There are many cases of men paying child support for kids that are not theirs. If a woman has an affair while married the husband is screwed.

There has been and are cases were because MOM thinks XYZ is dad he is listed and hunted down to pay child support and back well fare. Even when prove they are not dad they do not get any money (garnishment) back. I find that wrong, especially in cases were they can prove the mom purposefully was deceitful.

We have another friend (more friends with his sister). He found out when the child was 2 he was a dad. He was 1 of 3 possibilities. He was 18, not to bright, and potentially under the influence of alcohol (that she provided) at the time of conception. She was 21. He had no problems with child support. When he sued for visitation with a graduated schedule to slowly increase visitation she said never mind to the child support. She was angry that the judge said that is not how it works. She later lost custody because she refuse to allow (show up) for visitation.

My husband has a friend that found out when the child was 17 that it was his. He asked, she said no. His savior was he manage to still have the letter were she said so. She told him, "DC is not yours, so you don't need to worry about child support or visiting. There was no DNA at that point (I don't know if sperm donation existed). Even though she said it wasn't his at 17 years of age she wanted back child support and for him to pay for college. He paid for college, but manage not to have to pay back child support. This kid now has very little to do with his mom. The truth came out, his dad did want him she kept him away from him. He has been asked why? What he did wrong? Something has to be wrong with him, it can't be that she is selfish.

We know another father that gained custody of his children because mom decided in the middle of the summer to take the kids to Disney, during his count appointed time. He had very little flexibility on rescheduling were she had a lot her her trip to Disney.

We have friends that have custody because bio-mom dropped the 15 year old off at their house will nobody was home. She didn't have the key because bio-mom would use it to search their home and was arrested 3 times with trespassing and once for B&E.

I really can go on with these stories. These are people we know. People can be mean. When you hear women tell their stories please, please remember there are 2 parts to the story. Please remember their are many good dad's, like moms, that struggle and get screwed by the system. Then there are many lousy dads and moms.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I don't think it is just this easy -- or gender specific! OUR SYSTEM NEEDS A LOT OF CHANGE!

If you start listening to the other side of the coin with compassion and without accusing/assuming the guys being "evil" of "at fault" (which is often done). You hear and understand that PEOPLE can be flat out cruel.

We have a kindergarten class this year with 4 children (3 boys, 1 girl) whose mothers abandoned them and ALL four of their fathers are raising them alone.

I think if you are looking at this issue gender specifically... you will ONLY see those stories. Additionally, you are basing your comments on limited stories in the single parenting forum of a MOTHERing discussion board. How many other sides of the coin do you think you are going to hear???

But, if you look at stories outside of a single mother-dominant forum (perhaps you should post your comments in the Blended Family forum and see what you learn) and as a HUMAN issue, you will find many, many other stories showing you the other side of the coin.

As MarsupialMom states: "PEOPLE can be flat out cruel." And, cruelity is definitely NOT something gender specific.

[Sleepyheaded_Mama]

True - perhaps I should have worded it "parents who walk out, leave, don't give a sh**". Because it truly does go both ways. And it truly is horrible both ways. I didn't mean to sound so hateful towards men in general, just because it is a man making my life hell. It could just as easily be a woman wreaking the same havoc on someone else's family. I am well aware of this as I do have a single-daddy friend whose wife walked out on the family and then came back to cause trouble. My frustration is not with men, but with the leaving and being completely uninvolved and then coming back acting entitled to something, and then the courts allowing it. It drives me mad!!!!

[Super~Single~Mama]

I know how much it sucks to be fighting over custody with someone. Really, I do. I'm in the beginning/middle of what looks to be a VERY long process of determining custody for my son.

BUT - Children have a RIGHT to know, and see, and to have a meaningful relationship with their mothers AND their fathers. No relationship is perfect, but all children have a natural RIGHT to know and have relationships with BOTH parents. There is a reason that custody is favored towards the parent who is most willing to facilitate a relationship between the child and the non-custodial parent.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I really can go on with these stories. These are people we know. People can be mean. When you hear women tell their stories please, please remember there are 2 parts to the story. Please remember their are many good dad's, like moms, that struggle and get screwed by the system. Then there are many lousy dads and moms.

I definitely agree with this.

However, it doesn't change the fact that the vast majority of single custodial parents are mothers and that there is a very real issue with deadbeat dads and dads who show no interest in children until it stands to affect their wallets - or their egos.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

I definitely agree with this.

However, it doesn't change the fact that the vast majority of single custodial parents are mothers and that there is a very real issue with deadbeat dads and dads who show no interest in children until it stands to affect their wallets - or their egos.

I totally agree. Yes it happens with mothers walking out as well but there are far far more instances of the father walking away.

[Sleepyheaded_Mama]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

I definitely agree with this.

However, it doesn't change the fact that the vast majority of single custodial parents are mothers and that there is a very real issue with deadbeat dads and dads who show no interest in children until it stands to affect their wallets - or their egos.

My frustration is with the parties that honestly DO NOT CARE until they are expected to help finance these little ones. Suddenly they get real interested. Whether they STAY interested in the long run is anyone's guess, but they sure feel the need to assert their "parental rights" the minute they get the order of support served. Kinda funny when 20 minutes prior the kid could have been in the hospital dying and they wouldn't have bothered showing up.

[Sweetmama26]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

I definitely agree with this.

However, it doesn't change the fact that the vast majority of single custodial parents are mothers and that there is a very real issue with deadbeat dads and dads who show no interest in children until it stands to affect their wallets - or their egos.

This is my problem, my son's sperm donor is now threatening to go for full custody now that its been proven he is the dad and he will have to pay child support and he'll have to pay me back for my portion of the DNA test because he requested it. The thing that makes me the most mad is his girlfriend has decided to make all these accusations that I'm a bad mom and I'm only going for support to as she says "we can do a far better job rasing the child then u can since u gave away 3 kids already ur only doing this to take shit away from edward and our babys mouth so what reason do we have not to go for full custody" The funny thing is though I've only given birth to 3 kids and 2 were given up for adoption. I know they are only threatening to go for custody because now he legally has a responsibility to pay for his child. But luckily for me they have to file in my jurisdiction, they have never met my son, he doesn't know his son's name, birth weight, birthday, nothing, he knows absolutely nothing about our lives or how I parent him and I have many many people who would submit character references to say that I'm a perfectly acceptable mother.

[josybear]

tonight what's going around and around in my head is this:

how could i have ever loved the kind of guy who would do this to k=his own kids? am i such a poor judge of character? before this whole fiasco i didn't believe that people could change overnight, but now i figure he must have, since i swear this monster isn't the same man as the one i lived with for 6 years. he isn't the same man as the one i left, too. that guy was reasonable and put his kids first. either he changed drastically or i never really knew him. either way, i'm really questioning my judgment tonight.