Please tell me she will adjust!

[clicksab]

I just need a sanity check.

On Tuesday, we welcomed our son, Robert, into our lives (off topic, but it was the most amazing experience of my life!!). DD spent the day at a friends house, and then my DH went home from the hospital to spend the night with her at home, just to make things as normal as possible for her. We brought Robbie home the next day, and introduced them.

Generally, she is ignoring him. Sometimes she looks at him and smiles. Basically, we got what we expected in regards to how she is treating him in these first few days. But I think that yesterday at some point she realized that he is NOT going away. So she spent the whole day throwing massive fits, on and off. Screaming uncontrollably. Throwing herself around so much she has a cut on her face. Just completely out of control, it was scary. We didn't even know what to do. I think it's been even harder because she isn't getting enough sleep. She's never slept well, and with a crying baby around it's even worse.

I have this overwhelming "Oh my goodness, what have we done?!?!" feeling. Please tell me that she will adjust to this. That we haven't ruined her life. That we haven't ruined ALL of our lives. That I will figure out how to be a good mommy to her and DS.

SN kids survive siblings, right?

[InMediasRes]

Mine has SPD and got his new (surprise) sibling just before he turned 2. It was REALLY HARD for about 4 months, but then it started getting slowly better. He still has a hard time with some of the sensory stuff that goes with having a sibling (loud noises, invasion of space, etc.) and the anxiety (mom is more anxious, not being able to calm both at once, baby destroying his towers, etc.) but mostly they are starting to really get along.

I'm not sure if I would really do anything differently, but DS has had a real problem with aggression with his sister. He doesn't know how to ask for help or to move his things away from her so that she doesn't bother him, he just kicks/hits/pushes/screams at her.

So yes, he is adjusting. I think it takes SN kids a lot longer, and maybe some things they don't really adjust to all the way, but they survive. And they grow from it too! Andrew has learned so much from having a sibling.

Congrats on your new arrival! Deep breaths, mama.

[2boyzmama]

Yes, it gets better, I promise you...IT DOES GET BETTER!!

Ian started throwing massive tantrums about a month after Connor was born, and because he's a sensory seeker, he would self injure even. On top of that, Connor was very sick, in and out of the hospital, stress levels were REALLY high!!

Fast forward 2-3 years later, they're best friends. Of course they fight like brothers do, they argue, they don't share, but they're best friends. They're an inseparable pair.

The first 6 months were the hardest, then things calmed down a lot. 6 months sounds like an eternity, and at the time it did feel like it. I'm not going to lie, it sucked sometimes. But we survived...somehow.

You know what my biggest guilt was during that time? Ian was born into a calm, quiet, respectful house. Connor, on the other hand, had to be exposed to lots of yelling, screaming, anger, frustration, etc from infancy on. I *hated* that my newborn/infant was hearing noises like that, and I feared what kind of lasting effects it was having on him. [however, it turned out that Connor had significant hearing loss and was probably oblivious to most of it! Funny how life works...]

You'll get through this. Schedule and routine saved us, even if Ian was tantruming, I would just go on with the routine as best I could. Setting aside "Ian time" helped a lot, even if it was just me and him going for a walk. I even did things I swore I'd never do with my kids, like take Ian to McDonald's play place in order to give him the sensory seeking he needed and allow me to sit with the baby.

You'll find a way. It'll be okay.

[MotheringRubyJo]

I've been there, too and it does get better. Mine are now 5 1/2 and 4 and the best of friends. Yes, they fight here and there, but they are such companions.

The number one thing that helped was to tell the baby they needed to wait while I did ____ for my older daughter. I was always making my older daughter wait while I finished nursing, changing a diaper, etc, etc. The day I started randomly telling the baby to wait made such a change in my daughter. She looked so surprised and walked with such purpose and pride as we went to the kitchen for a drink. Of course, the baby was asleep and completely oblivious! I expanded it to saying things like, "It's Ruby's special time with me right now so you take a nap while we color" as I closed the door for the baby's naptime. I tell you, it works wonders!

[clicksab]

That is great advice MotheringRubyJo, thanks!! And thank you all for giving it to me straight, but letting me know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

She has regressed to sleeping in our bed again, but I'm ok with that because it meant she got 12 HOURS of sleep last night!!! She hasn't done that in forever! And that meant she was in a good mood this morning...and she touched Robbie's hand and smiled!!! It's little, bit it's big, you know?