Child begs to go to public school

[savyjoel]

My 5th grade DD had asked to go to public since she was in 1st grade. She brings it up ALL the time. I don't want her to go to PS but I've grown weary of the fight. Do any of you go through this--do you put them in PS--do you just keep to your convictions? Thanks.

[chfriend]

What are your reasons for homeschooling?

[lach]

What are your convictions?

No, I wouldn't make my child homeschool against their wishes for 4 years unless there was some serious, serious problem with the school. And then I'd probably try to move anyway. I can see saying "we'll give it a year, see how you feel" but at the end of the year if my child still wanted to go (let alone begged or talked about it all the time) then I would put her back in school.

[ticklemegreen]

My dd is still just a babe, but I plan on homeschooling my children until 4th grade. If they asked to go to public school before that I wouldn't allow them. I have a ba in elementary education, so I am 100% comfortable teaching them. Also I live in FL and our public school system stinks. A side from wanting to give them the best possible start education wise, I want them to stay kids as long as possible.

If my dd was in 5th grade and wanted to go to ps I would let her, unless there is a safety issue with your public school. PS offers so much more than education. You've given her a great start by homeschooling thus far, but if she wants to go to ps I think you should respect her wishes.

[moominmamma]

I would certainly not over-ride my child's choice at that age. If any of my kids had wanted to attend school I would have put forth my reasons to the contrary, but given them veto power over my advice. My 16yo attends high school (part-time) now; she tried elementary school for a couple of days at age 8 with my blessing and decided against it at that point. None of my other kids have expressed such a desire, but if they did I would deal with it the same way.

Miranda

[wildmonkeys]

"BEGS" is the key word. My kids have always gone to ps, but my 4rth grader has just started asking to be hs'ed and he is...

Nobody should have to BEG to get what they want. Sorry, if I am out of line, but I am new here with a child hs'd all of a few days (a little confused about how many with all of the snow!!!)

[savyjoel]

I HS for several different reasons.
1. We follow Christian beliefs and teach from Christian based curriculum. PS is secular.
2. Even though the curriculum is secular (I could deal with the PS curriculum) I do not like the other things she will learn at PS--disrespect, poor attitude, bad peer influence, etc...
3. I work part time in the evening so that I can be home with her and my 13 mo old during the day. If she went to PS I'd have very little time with her.

My DH is a PE teacher at an elementary school (K-3) close by and I think in the beginning she wanted to go to daddy's school. Now it is mainly because she feels like she does not have many friends. It's a social thing. She loves the freedom of HS--getting done with her work before PS is even out for the day--no home work or very little--getting to go places in the day and such. She watches Disney shows such as Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana and thinks that is how school is (I guess). She is also a bit of a follower and there is a lot of behavior that I would rather her not follow. KWIM? So--not to offend anyone but those are my reasons.

Thanks for the responses.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by savyjoel

I HS for several different reasons.
1. We follow Christian beliefs and teach from Christian based curriculum. PS is secular.
2. Even though the curriculum is secular (I could deal with the PS curriculum) I do not like the other things she will learn at PS--disrespect, poor attitude, bad peer influence, etc...
3. I work part time in the evening so that I can be home with her and my 13 mo old during the day. If she went to PS I'd have very little time with her.

My DH is a PE teacher at an elementary school (K-3) close by and I think in the beginning she wanted to go to daddy's school. Now it is mainly because she feels like she does not have many friends. It's a social thing. She loves the freedom of HS--getting done with her work before PS is even out for the day--no home work or very little--getting to go places in the day and such. She watches Disney shows such as Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana and thinks that is how school is (I guess). She is also a bit of a follower and there is a lot of behavior that I would rather her not follow. KWIM? So--not to offend anyone but those are my reasons.

Thanks for the responses.

This is our situation EXACTLY except that mine is 6yo and is exposed to "what school is like" via going there 3x/week for therapy. He's a social ANIMAL--so nothing would ever be enough for him; and a TRUE follower. I'm already growing weary of it, so I can't even imagine how you feel. Mine's been bugging me for a few months already. I'm kind of torn because I started out pointing out all the horrible things about school (which he didn't seem to care about) but I don't really want to frame it as horrible because if we run into a situation where he NEEDS to be in school (if dh or I dies--God forbid--and we can't stay home with him) I don't want him to fear or resent it.

At the moment, I'm pointing out how it's "different" in ways that he may not love. But I know if I let him try it--even for half a year--that's it. That's IT. There's no turning back. I know first-hand from teaching that the ability to goof off with your friends during downtime ("downtime" meaning any moment you're not actively engaged in a lesson... and there's WAY too much of that) is highly addictive and what he will "learn" during that unsupervised time is the main reason we are hsing, tyvm.

And that won't change with his age. I mean, if he somehow manages to mature by 14yo to where I feel that he has values that won't be influenced by others and he can articulate why he wants to go in a reasonable manner while still understanding that the purpose of the place is to learn... okay, yeah, maybe.

Sorry, but I don't feel that a specific age dictates a child's "right" to make any kind of decision when they can't understand the factors involved--the ones that affect our decision to do what we're doing with them. I can guarantee my 6yo doesn't comprehend the long-term effects of being in an environment that has too little supervision and is therefore prone to a wealth of potentially destructive, unproductive and unsavory things that can become habits and ways of being; and I have no intention of letting my son loose to learn until I'm relatively certain that he's mature enough to navigate it. I feel like that's my responsibility in raising him. It's not sheltering, it's supervising. Big difference. When I felt he understood that the oven was hot and therefore he needed to be careful around it, he was allowed to don an oven mitt and remove a hot cookie sheet. He was 4yo. What he understands is not age-dependent. It's him-dependent. When he understands, he'll be allowed to decide. And to that end, I try to encourage his understanding of things.

So to the OP: do you feel like she understands and truly has a purpose for being there? Even if that purpose is social--do you feel that she "gets" that the objective in school is actually to LEARN? You said she's a follower, but do you feel that she's mature enough not to follow others into situations that could get her into trouble in one way or another?

Really, only you know that. And if the answers are "No", I'm not sure I'd be giving in. If she were a diabetic that wanted chocolate at Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween and Christmas and begged all year about it, it wouldn't be any different--right?

JMO, anyway.

[savyjoel]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

So to the OP: do you feel like she understands and truly has a purpose for being there? Even if that purpose is social--do you feel that she "gets" that the objective in school is actually to LEARN? You said she's a follower, but do you feel that she's mature enough not to follow others into situations that could get her into trouble in one way or another?

I think she knows the purpose of school but she wants to be liked so badly that she could just fall into the wrong group of friends. I would certainly hope she would have better since but ??? I think if I could find someway for her to be more social then she would have this need meet. We attend church but there are really no kids her age there--the others are younger or older. We did attend a co-op 1x week which she loved but it was a bit of a distance and after the baby came it was just a chore to go. I may reconsider the co-op for next school year. She is playing basketball this winter--softball in the spring and swim team in the summer. She just doesn't make that many friends in these sports. Funny--she wants to be social but on the other hand is a bit shy. Go figure!

[heatherdeg]

My son is the same way. In fact, he actually has plenty of opportunity to meet other kids but really struggles with HOW to approach them and engage with them. He had the same problem when he was in school. He used to carry an autism spectrum diagnosis so we thought it was that. The dx was lifted and now he's apparently gifted... so we wonder if it's a disconnect in general.

Whatever it is, it makes him 1) feel badly about himself; and 2) more prone to do whatever another child tells him just to be accepted. The final nail in the coffin was when we were on the playground and some child really didn't want to be bothered by him. Well, ds didn't understand why and kept trying to get the kid to like him or play with him. When this kid (who was about 8yo where ds was 5yo) was about to HIT him, I stepped in and called ds over for a drink. Ds' first response to me was that he was going to give this kid his drink because "maybe then he will like me".

Yeah... he won't be going to school.

The flip side is that now he wants to go play with other kids, has the opportunity, and he goes and stands just outside of them making the "I'm sad and lonely" face & stance... then comes back and cries to me that nobody will play with him.

*sigh*

But that's MY kid.

If yours isn't making friends through the activities that she's in, do you have reason to believe it would be different at school? Does your library run programs for kids that are free or low-cost (and RIGHT THERE) that you could involve her in?

[meetoo]

For me, I would allow it. I also believe it is possible to raise nice, respectful children that go to school. You don't want your child to feel so isolated that they fit themselves into the first group that comes along. You want them to be choosy with their friends. It sounds like your daughter is not getting her social needs met. School really does make it easier for kids to make friends. In a way kids are better socialized at home (more contact with a variety of people/ages , more time with adults to show them how to behave, etc) but when it comes to being able to choose and makes close friends I believe school does win hands down.
I read your reasons for wanting to continue homeschooling and I can respect them. Have you considered a Christian School? Have you considered making some sort of contract with her. Like you will let her go to school provide she maintains certain grades, and a certain very clearly spelled out behavior guidelines?

[maplesugar]

Ds asked to go to public school in 4th grade. I consented. And he hated it. Everyday was a struggle to get him to even go, but I did have him finish out the year to be sure...He definately was done after that year!

So maybe if you let her try it out, she will find that the grass is not greener on that side of the fence. Ds really disliked all the meaningless rules, and above all, getting up at 6:30am. Or maybe she will really like it. I do think that at that age it doesn't do a whole lot of good to keep them out if they really want to try it out.

Another thin would be to find out what she feels she is missing by staying home and try provide those things with homeschool. Or look into Christian schools.

[homeschoolingmama]

I wouldn't send my daughter BUT I would do everything in my power to get her out there meeting some friends. My girls are just starting to form good, healthy friendships within our homeschooling group. I prefer it this way because they are being introduced to well-rounded children. Now there are a lot of well-rounded children in school as well but you just don't know who she would gravitate to. Are there any homeschooling groups in your area? I noticed that in my area there wasn't very many field trips so I took on the role to set up a FB group for homeschooling field trips. We have an outing once a month and there are approx 30 kids each month who attend with their parents. This was a way for me to assure that my children formed healthy relationships.
If you want to continue keeping her home I think you need to get yourself out there a bit more and meet some other families you would be comfortable with. Especially since that is the main reason your daughter wants to go to school.
Good luck!!

[AAK]

Originally Posted by maplesugar

Ds asked to go to public school in 4th grade. I consented. And he hated it. Everyday was a struggle to get him to even go, but I did have him finish out the year to be sure...He definately was done after that year!

So maybe if you let her try it out, she will find that the grass is not greener on that side of the fence. Ds really disliked all the meaningless rules, and above all, getting up at 6:30am. Or maybe she will really like it. I do think that at that age it doesn't do a whole lot of good to keep them out if they really want to try it out.

Another thin would be to find out what she feels she is missing by staying home and try provide those things with homeschool. Or look into Christian schools.

I think letting her try it is a good idea. The fifth graders in our district get more homework than we do school work each week. But, you say she is in fifth grade currently. Will she be in middle school next year? If so, I would vote for signing her up NOW and letting her finish off the year in 5th. Maybe it would be just enough to see what school is really like while still being in the (semi) protected environment of elementary.

I say this not to discredit your reasons for hs. They are good and valid. But, I personally wouldn't want to teach someone who doesn't want to be here. I think it would create tension in our own relationship, esp. entering the teen years. I also think it could zap the love of learning.

Amy

[Linda on the move]

It's her life, not yours.

One of my DDs homeschooled until 5th grade and then started public school. She blossomed. She loves it and has made lovely friends that she never would have met otehrwise.

By this age, you've either taught your kids your values or you haven't. My DD naturally gravitated to the kids who are nice and like to learn. I couldn't pick better friends for her if I tried.

My advice would be exactly the same to public school parent who had a child who had been begging to homeschool for years. To me, it's the exact same question.

[oceanbaby]

At that age I would let her go to school. My older son will be going into 4th grade this Fall, and he has been asking to go to school for the last 6 months or so. I wouldn't have let him make this choice when he was 5 or 6yo, but he is going on 9yo, and I feel like he is old enough to have some say in this decision. We are weighing our options right now, but there is a high probability he will start in Sept.

My mom is a huge supporter of homeschooling, and wishes she had known about it as an option for us, but whenever I lament about how he is going to be "ruined" by going to school she says "Well, you went to school, and you are still a nice, respectful, intelligent person." And she's right. I think when we're homeschooling we get a little too worked up about how horrible school is, but really, I meet a lot of sweet, kind, thoughtful kids who have been going to school since the beginning.

[Smithie]

"My advice would be exactly the same to public school parent who had a child who had been begging to homeschool for years. To me, it's the exact same question."



I also echo the PP who pointed out that by 5th grade, your child is on the path to living out your values or she isn't. And presumably she is - most 11 year olds are ideological mirros of their parents.

And of course, if she's not destined to live a conservative Christian lifestyle, she's still your daughter and you'll still want to be part of her life. Might as well turn her loose on the wider world now, while you are still in the role of supervisor and mentor as she finds her own way - and while you can still intervene and bring her back home if she get herself in a really bad situation.

[ktmeyer]

Sounds like she wants more outlets to meet other kids. It's hard to just hang out at sports events, you are busy. What about something like Girl Scouts/Brownies? Or a local 4-H club. Something that would allow her the opportunity to play with other kids, rather than compete. Or look to see if another church has a youth group or kids club she could attend, not switch churches, just have her attend the evening program there. Something like that might really help. And honestly, we pick our church partially on if there are kids there my son's age, it's that important to me.

[savyjoel]

Thank you for all your responses. I'm really going to try to be more pro-active about getting her involved with other girls her age. I'm not any more convinced about letting her try PS but I am trying to be open minded about it. I do feel that 6th would be it though. 7th and up gets pretty nasty around here. But I do know that things change and she may have to go some day. We do have a nice Christian school here but we can not afford it. As for the "it's her life, not mine" comment--I can't really see that. There are many things in life that our children would choose for themselves that as a parent you would never say, "well, it's your life." As a parent we are to protect and guide our children, that sometimes means making choices for them--even when they don't understand our reasons. I'm sure you didn't mean just let them run wild but the time will come when I can no longer make decisions for her--at that point I hope she will listen to God and seek advice from those she trusts.

[savyjoel]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

Sounds like she wants more outlets to meet other kids. It's hard to just hang out at sports events, you are busy. What about something like Girl Scouts/Brownies? Or a local 4-H club. Something that would allow her the opportunity to play with other kids, rather than compete. Or look to see if another church has a youth group or kids club she could attend, not switch churches, just have her attend the evening program there. Something like that might really help. And honestly, we pick our church partially on if there are kids there my son's age, it's that important to me.

We have just started 4-H. I have thought about looking into other churches with more kids her age.---Thanks again.