Child begs to go to public school - Page 2

[midwestmom]

As others have mentioned, I would get her out more. Alot more. I have 4 really social kiddos, and although it is a super chore for me to get them out nearly every day (I have 4 kids ages 6 and under), that is what they seem to crave and enjoy.

[philomom]

There's always a good deal on MDC about respecting your children as people... not just as extensions of yourself. Have you even visited your brick and mortar school? I would send her next fall and see how it goes.... she's 11 right? That's old enough to have a hand in her own future.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by savyjoel

As a parent we are to protect and guide our children, that sometimes means making choices for them--even when they don't understand our reasons. I'm sure you didn't mean just let them run wild but the time will come when I can no longer make decisions for her

going to school is a far from "running wild." She'll spend most of her day sitting still and being quiet.

I can't think of any decision I would make for a child this age that they wouldn't understand the reasons. A two year old, sure, but not a 10 year old.

We aren't Christians and we don't pray when we eat. After my DD started public school, she talked to me about how to be polite when others pray because several of her new school friends pray before they eat lunch. There's a lot of rhetoric about what school is like in the homeschooling community and none of it is true of our experience.

I think you need a little more faith in your daughter to make good choices, both in how she wants to be educated and how she'll behave when you aren't there.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I can't think of any decision I would make for a child this age that they wouldn't understand the reasons. A two year old, sure, but not a 10 year old.

(snip)

I think you need a little more faith in your daughter to make good choices, both in how she wants to be educated and how she'll behave when you aren't there.

I think that just because someone feels their 10yo isn't able to make this decision doesn't equate to the parent not having faith in their child. In reality, that parent may know their child well enough to know that they aren't seeing the forest for the trees--even if only for an isolated decision.

Understanding the reasons and actually caring about them or truly understanding the weight of the consequences are different things. For us, that's where the lines get drawn on parenting decisions; and are not only different for each family, but likely for each decision depending on where that child "is" in their understanding and maturity level (which can differ by the topic).

[One_Girl]

Personally, I would let my dd decide even though she is only seven. Our schools aren't that bad though and I have faith that she will do what is right. It sounds like you don't have good schools in your area, or you are morally opposed to the schools in your area. Does the Christian school in your area offer financial aid? Many private schools do. I think that her desire to separate from you is going to get stronger and stronger as she moves into puberty and feeling cooped in by a mom who is unwilling to let that happen may lead her to do some very drastic things. It is hard to tell with teenagers, and everyone hopes that they are loving and close enough with their kids to prevent that. I only mention it because I grew up in a sheltered family and I went to some very extreme and dangerous lengths to get out of there. My mom and I were close at times, but at other times I viewed her as the enemy who was holding me back and that made things very hard for all of us. Christian school may be a way of getting her into a place she wants to be while still keeping her on the path you want her on.

[AAK]

I already responded, but wanted to mention another possible solution. Does your district have one of the "homeschool resources" or whatever? Here, we can send our children one day a week with others who do the same. Or, a half day. If they go the full day they are considered ps students. If they go the half day, they are part time students and still required to declare as hs. But, the four teachers are super and there is a parent library to access, etc. My oldest does a half day and has met some pretty cool kids. My youngest doesn't attend it.

Amy

[PGTlatte]

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with a parent deciding not to leave the decision to attend school or not up to her child. The child's desires and feeling about it are only one thing to consider in the decision. There are other factors to consider as well. Each parent knows their own child best. IMO it is up to the parents to consider all the factors from the point of view of their own experience and wisdom, which the child does not yet have.

I don't think there is a magical age at which a child can or should make a decision about their own schooling. Choosing school or not will determine where, how, and with whom the majority of their waking hours are spent. A parent needs to consider, among other things, their child's social maturity, judgement, decision making skills, and ability to handle social pressure. I agree that as a child ages, his or her need for independence from parents, desire to experience the wider world, and possible resentment of being "too sheltered" may need to be given more consideration. But these need to be considered alongside other factors, and by themselves aren't automatically enough of a reason to say that at age x the decision should be the child's. Kids mature in different areas at different ages. Parents have the best knowledge about their own child.

I also don't agree that one can say that by the age of 10 or 11 a child has "either learned the parents' values or not". I was a completely innocent kid through about the middle of sixth grade. Then the social pressures I was encountering at school became something I was not ready to handle. I did not choose to share these particular things with my parents. They had no idea what I was encountering at school and what was going on in my mind. I don't think there is any way they could have known. My desire and need to be accepted and live up to a type of mental image I had led me down a path that at first, was really only mental, and not apparent on the outside - but by 9th grade, developed into some decisions that were truly self-destructive and dangerous. It took 2.5 more years of some really destructive associations and bad decisions for me to choose another course. Ultimately I turned out okay. But I had friends who continued on that path and it did not turn out well at all. There is plenty that happens at school in grade 6 and above that parents may consider to be worthy of concern.

If a child is wanting more social contact, or more freedom, independence, etc, IMO school is not automatically the solution to those desires. There may be other ways for the child to experience what they are wanting. And maybe school does turn out to the best way for that family and that child. It is one possibility to consider. But I don't see it as an automatic answer, just because the child is asking to go, and I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent reserving the right to make the decision about attending school or not for a child of this age.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by laundrycrisis

If a child is wanting more social contact, or more freedom, independence, etc, IMO school is not automatically the solution to those desires.

This child has been begging to go to school for 4 years. One would assume that the parents have tried to make homeschooling work for the child and that it just doesn't work.

I find it hard to believe that anyone on this board would recommend that a parent whose child had been begging to homeschool for 4 years should be left in school if that is what the parent thinks is best.

At some point, the fact that the child really hates what the parent has chosen means something. I'm not sure when, but 4 years is over the line IMHO.

I think that the first thing that a parent should do if their child ask to change from homeschooling to school or vice versa, is ask *why*? And then go from there. I don't think a child should be allowed to drop school because they had a bad day and someone made fun of what they were wearing, or go to all the trouble of starting school when starting girl scouts once a week would fill the need.

But at some point, when a child has been asking and begging for years, and the parents have tried everything they can think of, it's time to listen to the poor kid.

[lach]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

This child has been begging to go to school for 4 years. One would assume that the parents have tried to make homeschooling work for the child and that it just doesn't work.

I find it hard to believe that anyone on this board would recommend that a parent whose child had been begging to homeschool for 4 years should be left in school if that is what the parent thinks is best.

At some point, the fact that the child really hates what the parent has chosen means something. I'm not sure when, but 4 years is over the line IMHO.

I think that the first thing that a parent should do if their child ask to change from homeschooling to school or vice versa, is ask *why*? And then go from there. I don't think a child should be allowed to drop school because they had a bad day and someone made fun of what they were wearing, or go to all the trouble of starting school when starting girl scouts once a week would fill the need.

But at some point, when a child has been asking and begging for years, and the parents have tried everything they can think of, it's time to listen to the poor kid.

I agree. I also worry that this child seems to really be yearning for friendship and social companionship and freedom, and the more it's restricted as she ages, the uglier the fallout will be. There's the possibility that she'll come around and suddenly decide "oh this is what's best for me, even though I'm miserably unhappy my mom only has my best interests at heart." However, just knowing human nature and particularly teenagers, it seems to me this situation is just a breeding ground for some serious rebellion and resentment.

[chfriend]

I'm sidestepping the issue of who decides to say...because I think there are too many family dynamics to sort through there...but if the child isn't allowed to go to school, I wonder what will be done to address her clearly stated unmet needs, whether they are social or academic.

In my area, the kids who use building school are just as nice as the kids who homeschool. It's harder to gather a big group of nice kids when you homeschool.

OP, have you expressed to your daughter that you don't feel she'll be able to stand up for her beliefs at school? That you feel that her respect for you will be eroded? Has she responded to your concerns? Does your partner have an opinion that should be considered?

Are there children she'd feel comfortable inviting over regularly? Groups that she can be involved in through church? Are there regular avenues for her to express her independence?

[savyjoel]

Originally Posted by chfriend

OP, have you expressed to your daughter that you don't feel she'll be able to stand up for her beliefs at school? That you feel that her respect for you will be eroded? Has she responded to your concerns? Does your partner have an opinion that should be considered?

Are there children she'd feel comfortable inviting over regularly? Groups that she can be involved in through church? Are there regular avenues for her to express her independence?

I have expressed that I think it will be hard for her to stand up for herself and her beliefs. She just says, "mom, I'm not going to be stupid." My husband thinks it's ok to put in PS but does think she will have a hard time dealing with the pressure of fitting in, bullies and such. She has a cousin that she is real close with and 2 other friends that she plays with quite a bit (2-3 weekends a month). I have sent out an e-mail to our local HS'ers about getting together on a regular basis with girls her age. I've gotten a few positive responses. So I think that will help.

I don't want you all to think I'm mistreating my child. Yes, she does tell me that she would like to try PS but she is a relatively a happy child. As I posted earlier--she likes the relaxed feel of HS, sometimes too much. She does lose focus easily but that's understandable with a baby in the house. Anyway--thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts. I do read every post. I'm in much prayer about it. Thanks again.

[MamaMonica]

You could, like another poster mentioned, try a parent-partnership school for homeschoolers if your district has one. This is often just a day a week or a few days. It might be a compromise that works for your family.

[kathymuggle]

Like a previous poster, I am not going to get into whether or not she should go to school. That really is a decision with a lot of factors we cannot know about.

Have you tried saying "no" to your DD? (as your posts indicate you are heading towards a "no")

Sometimes a child needs a firm answer so they can get on with their lives. If there is no firm answer begging and power struggles can ensue. If she cannot go to school for whatever reason, just lay it on the line with her. Not knowing can leave everyone feeling tense. Just make a decision and let her know.

Hugs to you!

Kathy

[savyjoel]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Have you tried saying "no" to your DD? (as your posts indicate you are heading towards a "no")

Hugs to you!

Kathy

I have said no in the past and life move on. She just brought it up again a week or so ago. I told her that I was not promising anything but I would think about it. Again she has "pie in the sky" image of what she thinks school is. My dh and I tell her it's not like 'Hanna Montana.' We do not have many HS activities around here--we do have co-op that's about 30 min drive. We may do it again--she seams to enjoy it.

Thanks again.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

My mom is a huge supporter of homeschooling, and wishes she had known about it as an option for us, but whenever I lament about how he is going to be "ruined" by going to school she says "Well, you went to school, and you are still a nice, respectful, intelligent person." And she's right. I think when we're homeschooling we get a little too worked up about how horrible school is, but really, I meet a lot of sweet, kind, thoughtful kids who have been going to school since the beginning.

Absolutely. I think there are plenty. The fact that a child wants to be liked doesn't mean she's going to seek out negative people to work that out with - she's more likely, I would think, to seek out friendly and pleasant ones.

- Lillian

[morgainesmama]

I have read many, though not all, of the replies, but I thought I'd share my experience.

Fir different reasons (pressure from her father and stepmother) dd desparately wanted to go to school -- but to be honest, from the time she was 3, she wanted to go to school, even before he moved out.

Midway through third grade I consented -- mainly because we began fighting all the time, and our hs was no longer joyful. I expected she would not like it. I have an education degree, have spent time in the ps school system.

She has thrived and blossomed in school. Academically it did nothing good for her, but she was far ahead of her peers anyway. Now she struggles with being the youngest in her class, which bothers her -- but she loves school. I miss her tremendously. But she is very happy.

I was nervous about sending her midyear but am glad I did.

That said, had her father still been living with us, I would have started by sending her just for "specials" -- the daily art/gym/computer stuff and more heavily pursued coops --- though I suspect that in the end, she would still have wanted school.

[Lillian J]

You wrote that you "did attend a co-op 1x week which she loved but it was a bit of a distance and after the baby came it was just a chore to go. I may reconsider the co-op for next school year. She is playing basketball this winter--softball in the spring and swim team in the summer. She just doesn't make that many friends in these sports. Funny--she wants to be social but on the other hand is a bit shy. Go figure!"

When we were homeschooling, it was often a chore to keep up the social get togethers - a lot of driving and being away from home, frustration with conflicts in the support group, work that needed to be done for the various events we put on, some very abrasive personalities to deal with on a regular basis, getting creative in finding new outlets and opportunities, making play date phone calls - but it was just what I considered part of my job in keeping homeschooling working for all of us. My son was also shy, but that was just his style - the longterm constant exposure to the same group and some fun, organized, getting-to-know-you games a few leaders did for them gave him time to gradually get to know them in his own way and make some great friends - and he's still friends with many of them in his adult life, even though they're all spread out geographically now. It took a lot of work, but it was well worth it.

Whoops - computer battery going out! Lillian

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by savyjoel

She watches Disney shows such as Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana and thinks that is how school is (I guess). She is also a bit of a follower and there is a lot of behavior that I would rather her not follow. KWIM? So--not to offend anyone but those are my reasons.

Thanks for the responses.

I hear you and my suggestion would be to limit her exposure to those shows...they can be just as bad as sending her to PS (in regards to peer pressure, unwanted behaviors etc).

[savyjoel]

Well--after much debate or should I say arguing, I have decided to let my DD finish this school year in PS. At this point I'm really tired of the fussing about it every day--I figure that can't be good. Her attitude is so disrespectful and she is full of anger. She thinks everything is stupid and that PS is the answer to all her problems. She may do great there and then again--we'll see. Thank you for all your replies. God Bless.