My personal doubts, and your thoughts about the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert: Being there...

[That Is Nice]

I recently read the book "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage" by Elizabeth Gilbert, the same author who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love."

http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/

Has anyone else read this book and care to share their thoughts about marriage, family, staying at home for the children, or building a career, or trying to do both?

I am personally very conflicted, more than usual, as I've posted about my struggle and journey in the past, but after reading Elizabeth Gilbert's advice, more or less, I just feel like I've got some more thinking to do on this topic.

OK, so anyone who reads Ms. Gilbert's work (or looks at the title of the book, really) sees that she is a skeptic about marriage, but that she makes peace with it and that she eventually ends up finding love and marrying a second time after a nasty divorce and lots of self-reflection and self-exploration which is written about in "Eat, Pray, Love."

Elizabeth seems to have, in my opinion, fairly solid advice for teen and 20-something women. Don't go boy crazy, find yourself, finish your education, build a career. Then think about marriage and family. She cites many statistics about men benefiting more from marriage financially and with regard to health and living longer lives. Women on the other hand, her stats and studies show, are happier, wealthier, more fit, and live longer the longer they wait to get married.

OK, I was pretty much nodding my head on this part because I see where she is coming from. I get it. I did those things. College? Check. Career before baby? Check. Trying to juggle career and baby? Check.

But then, sort of out of nowhere, Elizabeth drops the story about her own mother (a part time nurse for Planned Parenthood in the 70s) who gave up her career when Elizabeth and her sister got the chicken pox at a young age and caring for her children conflicted with her work schedule of an out of town conference. And Elizabeth Gilbert says that her mother's sacrifice of career for family really benefited her sister and herself when they were kids. She goes on to say that her childhood was much better after her mother quit working, and her mother always being home to greet them at the door after school allowed her the stability to study hard, do well in school, and become the accomplished person she is today.

Whoa. What the??????

I read this section of the book and felt my sinking heart and panic.

I work. I work part time. It's hard. It's hard because I miss A LOT of my pre-school age child's activities. ALL THE TIME. My job causes a lot of stress for me, for my child, for my husband. I have meetings and my husband has to take time off from his job to fill in the gaps of childcare. We spend boat loads of our money on child care from other people. It was our second largest expense last year.

Yes, some days my child likes day care, but after several days of it, there are the pleas that we have a "stay-at-home day." We never get to do anything except on weekends, and then it's usually just catching up on laundry, dishes, groceries, all that stuff. I am too exhausted at the end of the day after working to really read a story to my child, or teach anything. I fall asleep at 8 p.m. and it's a major accomplishment if I go to work AND do a load of laundry in a single day or go to work AND manage a quick run to the grocery store. We constantly are out of clean clothes, food, and my house is a mess.

There just isn't enough time.

But, on the other hand, I like that my child can go to a really good day care, something that just wouldn't happen financially if I weren't working. We are not a family that could afford a stay-at-home mother and preschool. I like that I earn my own money and I could support this family through some sort of crisis if need be, and I like that once a year I see my retirement statement and it looks pretty good.

And every once in a while, I love my job and the things I work on, and have good days. Most days are tedious and I'm tired, but some days I think, "OK, this is why I am doing this. I see the end goal." Of course, I had those sort of conclusive days as a stay-at-home mom, too.

Everyone says it gets so much easier when your children are school aged, but kindergarten is looming for us, and you know what? I don't think it will get any easier. Not schedule wise. My child now already goes to day care the same schedule as the regular kindergarten and grade school schedule, and I have to work part time, not full time, to accommodate this. To drop a child off at school at 8:00 a.m. and pick up by 3:30 p.m. - well, that just isn't a 40 hour work week. It doesn't line up. Yes, before and after school care is available, but then my child is very cranky, and we are rushed 5 days a week out of 7.

I am feeling very, very, very unnerved by this book, and by my doubts that I made the right choices.

Maybe what Elizabeth is saying is prepare yourself to be yourself and find out what you want. To do that, get an education and your own career before marriage and children. Then do what you want. But she didn't really say that. I just interpreting her meaning to try to make sense out of the conflicting stories she gave.

And if there is no resolution of those conflicts, well, than that is just unfair to women and to mothers. And it's unnerving to me personally.

While out to dinner, without our child there, I told my DH about the book, what the author had written, and about my fears and self doubt. He listened to my whole story, but had a very blank look on his face the entire time, and when I finished, he looked at me and said, "I have to pee. I'm going to the bathroom." Which he then did, and when he came back he just resumed eating his food, and didn't say anything about the book or anything I had just said to him.

Please share your thoughts about this, especially if you have also read her book.

Thank you.

[lalemma]

That's hard. I struggle with thinking about this stuff, too.

It really irks me when people give pat answers about these things that don't take into account the multiple complicated aspects. "Kids need a parent at home!" or "You can always pick up your career later!", stuff like that. It's a complex issue deserving of a better discussion.

What I think Gilbert means is that not marrying, or marrying relatively late, is statistically speaking going to lead to a longer, happier life with more career success for women. I have read about this before: studies repeatedly show that marriage is a better "deal" for men than it is for women.

And the anecdote about her mom, I think, is intended to illustrate the fact that a working mother is often a good "deal" for the mother, but that having a stay at home mother is a better "deal" for the children.

That's about how I think about this stuff. Staying home with babies is not my ideal, BUT it's also not my ideal to have my baby in daycare. So if I want to have a baby, something has to give.

It's HARD. I feel that people gloss over this stuff. If you are a working family and you have babies, some compromises have to be made: either you put children in care when you'd prefer not to, or you put a career on hold you'd prefer not to put on hold.

I don't think there is a good answer for this. And I think the reason there isn't a good answer for this is that modern life isn't "natural": humans didn't evolve to live in cities and live in nuclear-family units and work in high rises.

Humans evolved in small bands, women helped with each other's children, and the division between "work" and "family life" didn't exist as we would understand it. You would not have faced this conundrum. I believe that's why it feels so baffling to us, and why there's no good answer.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lalemma

That's hard. I struggle with thinking about this stuff, too.

It really irks me when people give pat answers about these things that don't take into account the multiple complicated aspects. "Kids need a parent at home!" or "You can always pick up your career later!", stuff like that. It's a complex issue deserving of a better discussion.

What I think Gilbert means is that not marrying, or marrying relatively late, is statistically speaking going to lead to a longer, happier life with more career success for women. I have read about this before: studies repeatedly show that marriage is a better "deal" for men than it is for women.

And the anecdote about her mom, I think, is intended to illustrate the fact that a working mother is often a good "deal" for the mother, but that having a stay at home mother is a better "deal" for the children.

That's about how I think about this stuff. Staying home with babies is not my ideal, BUT it's also not my ideal to have my baby in daycare. So if I want to have a baby, something has to give.

It's HARD. I feel that people gloss over this stuff. If you are a working family and you have babies, some compromises have to be made: either you put children in care when you'd prefer not to, or you put a career on hold you'd prefer not to put on hold.

I don't think there is a good answer for this. And I think the reason there isn't a good answer for this is that modern life isn't "natural": humans didn't evolve to live in cities and live in nuclear-family units and work in high rises.

Humans evolved in small bands, women helped with each other's children, and the division between "work" and "family life" didn't exist as we would understand it. You would not have faced this conundrum. I believe that's why it feels so baffling to us, and why there's no good answer.

Thank you.

This is a beautifully written post, and so well thought out. And I agree with every word of it.

[Smokering]

What does your husband do? I ask because I don't think having a parent at home necessarily equals "Dad works and Mum stays home". Is it possible you could both alter your schedules so that, say, he stays home with her one day a week, you stay home with her two days a week and she goes to daycare for the other two days? Or so you or he work from home part-time? Something like that?

I don't want to go to work, but I'd like a bit more time to work from home (I'm a freelance writer), but not if it means ignoring DD. That's one of the reasons DH has started a business and is going to transition to working from home sometime this year. He'll still do the lion's share of the money-making, but I'll be able to do a bit more writing and DD will have at least one parent on "parent duty" all the time.

Of course, that kind of thing only works if both parents are on board, and your DH's initial reaction wasn't promising. Do you think he's just worried about losing income during the recession? Or is there more to it?

[meandmine]

The pp did a lovely, sensitive job of responding.

It is complicated and everyone and every family is different.

I was a unlikely sahm ... it was a real struggle to take on the new "profession" -- in fact it was not until my oldest was in kindy that I finally felt in the groove.

Sadly, my stbx h decided he wanted a divorce.

Now I work full-time, long commute and ... frankly, I agree with Gilbert, *at least for me and my children.* I would prefer to be a sahm again. Our lives are stressful, rushed, the kids never get enough sleep because they have to be up so early and to childcare. They are in care before and after school. It is good care, but it is institutional care.

But, that is my story.

Everyone needs to sort out that balance for their families. It will be different for every family.

GL in continuing to find your best path.

Hugs,

M

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Smokering

What does your husband do? I ask because I don't think having a parent at home necessarily equals "Dad works and Mum stays home". Is it possible you could both alter your schedules so that, say, he stays home with her one day a week, you stay home with her two days a week and she goes to daycare for the other two days? Or so you or he work from home part-time? Something like that?

I don't want to go to work, but I'd like a bit more time to work from home (I'm a freelance writer), but not if it means ignoring DD. That's one of the reasons DH has started a business and is going to transition to working from home sometime this year. He'll still do the lion's share of the money-making, but I'll be able to do a bit more writing and DD will have at least one parent on "parent duty" all the time.

Of course, that kind of thing only works if both parents are on board, and your DH's initial reaction wasn't promising. Do you think he's just worried about losing income during the recession? Or is there more to it?

Well, you would think my DH and I could work out something like this, right? I mean, I sure thought we could work out something like this when I was pregnant.

Unfortunately, this wasn't his initial reaction. This has been going on for years now. I have a soon-to-be-in-kindergarten aged child. And, really, not much has improved as far as balance and equality with DH since our baby was born. I've approached DH many times, and he just isn't going to change.

Hell would freeze over before DH would be a SAHP or work part time. He just thinks that is impossible in his career, and he's not switching careers, ever. Change is not his personality at all. He is the guy who didn't even want to take paternity leave, wasn't comfortable asking his employer for it, and thought that no one else took paternity leave (not true). Taking paternity leave would have been too much change for him. So DH returned to work full time immediately afer my c-section. Yeah. That's my DH.

My DH rarely uses vacation. Rarely. He almost never takes sick leave, even if he's sick. He has to be really, really sick to take a day off. Otherwise, he just over-medicates himself and sucks it up. He hasn't been to a doctor for an appointment in over 5 years, and that was only because I made him go in for a check up. Frankly, I've stopped mothering him and forcing him to do things that he won't do on his own. I already am basically parenting our child and I don't need my husband to be my second child when he is an adult and also due to his inability to meet me half way on anything.

My working part time is a huge compromise for DH, and he feels he is allowing that to happen and that his contribution is working full time. So that is why if our child has an inservice day, or is running a fever, or bumps his head at day care and has to be picked up early, I am in charge of all that.

I guess the way to describe him would be stalwart. In some respects, he is reliable because he never changes. I guess that is the bright side. But basically he is freaked out by change and so sinks into his routine and doesn't change anything, including when adding a child to our lives. DH sort of wanted more children, but there is a specific reason we have had only one child in almost 15 years of marriage...DH's inflexibility and inability to change and really contribute.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by meandmine

Now I work full-time, long commute and ... frankly, I agree with Gilbert, *at least for me and my children.* I would prefer to be a sahm again. Our lives are stressful, rushed, the kids never get enough sleep because they have to be up so early and to childcare. They are in care before and after school. It is good care, but it is institutional care.

Yes, this is how I feel as well. It's not that I am letting Gilbert direct my thoughts on this because I don't thinks she really knows what she is talking about having no children herself. But as a child of her own parents, I think she stumbled on a truth...that having a SAHM herself was very beneficial to her as a child.

Perhaps not so much for her mother, but for the kids...

I am really beginning to think that it is better for the mother to work (given all the statistics and needs) but probably better for the children if they have a stable provider who works and a SAHP to parent. Unfortunately, I don't have that situation to give to my child.

I mean, yeah, I think I'm a good mother, and I love my child, and do well by him, but work makes my life and his life hectic. That's just the nature of our situation.

[Path2Felicity]

I'm so sorry, mama. Tough situation you are in.

I think there are compelling arguments to work or SAH. And, I've seen people who have been successful in either situation, and people who have failed (i.e., they were not happy and neither were their children) in both situations.

What is it that you REALLY want to do? What is your instinct telling you is the best thing for you and your child? Remember, children are smarter and more sensitive than we think. If you are unhappy, your child will sense it. They don't lie to themselves as well as adults do.

I am a new SAHM. I completed my education and got a masters degree from an Ivy League university and worked at a professional job for a few years. And then, I got pregnant and my daughter is now 3 months old. I have never felt so lonely and isolated in my entire life. But, I know deep down inside that right now is not the time for me to start a career. It doesn't mean that I will never work- just that in our situation, it's not the best thing.

My husband is a post-doc, which means the salary is very low for us at the time. Yes, we struggle, but we have just lowered our standard of living so that I can be home with DD. I think my husband might be similar to yours- it was just assumed that he would keep going at his career and I would take on the home responsibilities. I can't say that I blame him- I agreed to this before we got married (I married young). Why is it that your husband is so into his career? Is it that he feels responsible for providing for the family (as is the case with my DH)? Could he financially support you just being at home for awhile? Could you explain to him that you appreciate the work he does outside the home, but what you really need is just for him to help you? Have you thought about therapy?

I don't know what the point of this post is- just that, you are not alone in this struggle and I completely understand what you're feeling. I also feel like I am definitely the one with 90% of the responsibility for our DD as well. I think first you should figure out what it is that will really make you happy- and then try and think of possible ways to reach that goal... or perhaps something less ideal but more practical (which would still make you happy).

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Path2Felicity

I think my husband might be similar to yours- it was just assumed that he would keep going at his career and I would take on the home responsibilities.

Why is it that your husband is so into his career? Is it that he feels responsible for providing for the family (as is the case with my DH)?

Oh, no, my husband doesn't feel that I should stay at home. Quite the opposite. He expects that I will work and continue to make strides in my career.

He is not at all interested in being the sole provider for any length of time.

But he also hasn't changed anything about his work schedule due to the fact that we had a child (a while ago, this is nothing new, and I've tried to improve things by communicating with DH for a long time now).

As I said, we were DINKS - dual income, no kids.

Then we had a baby, but DH basically expects us to continue to be dual income, with a kid, but he hasn't changed anything about his job or his expectations or his schedule (other than small things, here and there, that I have to schedule far in advance and listen to his whining about).

So, I just feel like there really hasn't been a choice at all in the matter and I wonder why I even had a baby. I love my child, of course, and wouldn't change that I had him, but DH has sure thrown me for a loop. I never expected this.

Like I said, we're several years into parenting and I'm just exhausted. I feel like I've had almost no help or support the entire time, and every day is just touch and go.

Laundry is never done. Meals are haphazard...when I can get to the store, and I haven't had such a trying day at work, I cook for the family and my child loves that.

In fact, it's a theme he has written about in all his cards he makes for me at school...how much he likes food and when I cook and make him things. I think it's because it's rare...I'm always so tired from work, and strapped for time, running from finishing a project to picking up my kid, and there is just never enough time.

And I miss nearly all the special events and activities at his school. There are many stay-at-home moms whose children also go to school there and so there is a lot of parent involvement. My child is often the only child without a parent during the activity and it makes him sad, which then makes me sad.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

While out to dinner, without our child there, I told my DH about the book, what the author had written, and about my fears and self doubt. He listened to my whole story, but had a very blank look on his face the entire time, and when I finished, he looked at me and said, "I have to pee. I'm going to the bathroom." Which he then did, and when he came back he just resumed eating his food, and didn't say anything about the book or anything I had just said to him.

Please share your thoughts about this, especially if you have also read her book.

Thank you.

I have not read her book but I could not read your post and not.... .

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

I have not read her book but I could not read your post and not.... .

Thank you. That's nice.

Yeah, I'm slowly realizing the book has a point, but that is doesn't really look that indepthly at the issue, as that is not Gilbert's main topic. The book is really more about her making peace with marriage later in life after going through a bad divorce. More than anything, I think she perhaps just married the wrong person for the wrong reasons in her 20s, then got jaded, then found the right man, but remained jaded until there was a compelling reason (citizenship) to marry him so that they could remain together.

Her stance on childrearing versus working is personal to her. It conflicts with her other advice, but then there are lots of conflicting things about motherhood and career.

Anyway, I can get over what Gilbert said.

DH on the other hand? Someday I will laugh that all he could come up with is "I have to pee."

He's just not going to participate in the discussion, even though it's one for the family to consider, because then - gasp - he'd have to really start thinking about his own role, and my role, and each of our responsibilities.

[slylives]

Hi - I don't have time to write a "full" response, but just a quick opinion on a couple of things you wrote. Firstly, I think that the "better for child/better for mum?" question is an interesting one. I am in my last semester of law school, work PT and have an almost 2 year old. I am constantly debating this issue myself - and I have come to the uneasy conclusion that what is best for me at this moment, probably is not the best solution for my daughter (and vice versa). But the imperfect will have to do for now. I am too invested in my schooling and career to walk away from it - and after reading The Feminine Mistake I am even more convinced that staying at home long term would be a mistake (with potentially very serious consequences.) So I concur with a previous poster that you are not alone in this struggle!

Having said that - and I know I have commented in a similar vein on some of your previous posts - I think the SAHM/WOHM issue is a very separate one from "my spouse doesn't pull his weight and I am doing pretty much everything" problem, and if I can say with kindness, this appears to be is your primary problem. I am sure that with someone other than your husband it would be different (not that helps you in the present, I know.)

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I fall asleep at 8 p.m. and it's a major accomplishment if I go to work AND do a load of laundry in a single day or go to work AND manage a quick run to the grocery store. We constantly are out of clean clothes, food, and my house is a mess.

This also stuck out for me. How is your health, both physical and emotional? The reason I ask is that for you to be working PT and be asleep by 8 - and too exhausted to throw some laundry in/go to the store - it makes me wonder if you are sick? This isn't meant as a criticism, but this paragraph reminds me of the newborn days, when you are just bone tired. Could there by a physical reason for your exhaustion?

Screaming toddler is having a fit, so need to run...

[Path2Felicity]

That Is Nice, I agree with the post above. It seems to me that your bigger issue is not working/SAH, but your husband. It seems strange... he wants you to do everything: work, take care of the house, take care of the baby. What exactly does he see his role being as a father? Do you think you could possibly go to couples counseling?

It seems to me that if you worked something out with your husband, you would be a lot happier.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, mama.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Ok, so acknowledging that it's different for each of us, based on our life experiences/beliefs/etc, here's my take.

My mom worked, as she was the bread winner. My father worked sometimes, sometimes stayed home, and sometimes they were separated. My mom was NEVER available for me. Never. Always too tired during the week and too busy on the weekends. There were 3 of us. I felt (and still do) like she didn't love me because she never gave me enough of what I needed- HER. Sure we had everything nice that we wanted, but clothes, shoes, toys, etc. don't fill the same void. But that hurt (yes, I know I sound like a whiney child) molded me into the person that I am today. I have vowed to not give my children every toy they ask for, instead give them MYSELF by staying home now (we weren't able to do it before DS came). And while they may look back in 20 years and wonder why I just didn't work so they could have a pony or a playstation, hopefully they'll remember our walks to the park, picking up the leaves and listening to them crumble in our hands, our trips to the library, and making cookies/cupcakes together, etc.

FWIW, I was a WOHM for 4 years and it was the single most difficult thing I've ever done. It literally left me drained and begging for bed everday, and while I tried to not let it affect DD, looking back now I can see what a stress monster I was. I got upset. A LOT. And lost my patience. A LOT. And I yelled. A LOT. I just hope it doesn't affect her in the longrun.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by slylives

Hi - I don't have time to write a "full" response, but just a quick opinion on a couple of things you wrote. Firstly, I think that the "better for child/better for mum?" question is an interesting one. I am in my last semester of law school, work PT and have an almost 2 year old. I am constantly debating this issue myself - and I have come to the uneasy conclusion that what is best for me at this moment, probably is not the best solution for my daughter (and vice versa). But the imperfect will have to do for now. I am too invested in my schooling and career to walk away from it - and after reading The Feminine Mistake I am even more convinced that staying at home long term would be a mistake (with potentially very serious consequences.) So I concur with a previous poster that you are not alone in this struggle!

I agree.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by slylives

Having said that - and I know I have commented in a similar vein on some of your previous posts - I think the SAHM/WOHM issue is a very separate one from "my spouse doesn't pull his weight and I am doing pretty much everything" problem, and if I can say with kindness, this appears to be is your primary problem. I am sure that with someone other than your husband it would be different (not that helps you in the present, I know.)

I'm sure it would be easier with a more helpful and more loving "we're in this together" husband.

Yes, my husband exacerbates the issues.

But the issues are there, nonetheless, as you and others have pointed out, for even working moms with the most supportive spouses.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Path2Felicity

house, take care of the baby. What exactly does he see his role being as a father? Do you think you could possibly go to couples counseling?

Some people have responded the situation is strange, and today I read another post about my situation that said I'm facing the same issues nearly all moms face...that they do everything.

My husband works full time, and then some. He sees that as his primary role. Then he is also a father when not at work. He plays with, reads to, etc in the father role. It's something that I've worked really hard to encourage and prompt.

I didn't want them just sitting in front of a tv so I actively turn the tv off, I've bought lots of books and get books from the library, hand them to DH, and say: read. I buy things like flash cards, hand them to DH, and say: go at it. And now it's getting to be ritual. But it's not what DH would have done himself. So, there are some cool things that DH does.

DH will do pretty much anything I ask, it just takes boat loads of requests, boatloads of advance scheduling, and boat loads of instruction...and boat loads of reminders. Oh, yeah, and boat loads of patience, which I don't always have.

Having to ask about every little thing and to schedule things in advance doesn't always work when both parents have careers, and then there's a sick kid. Who takes the day off? Always me because DH needs advance scheduling.

So that is what he sees as his role. With a SAHM, or family nearby, or a nanny, it might work, right? For some families.

But I'm not a SAHM and DH doesn't want to be the main breadwinner or cut back, really. And we don't have family to help. And I can't afford a nanny, really. I mean, maybe, but then I'd be working for basically nothing.

So, there you go. That's the situation. I bet we're not all that different from families in high cost of living areas, with no reliable family, and with two fairly equal careers where there is no clear cut path for one parent to be a SAHP.

[CatsCradle]

I'm sure it would be easier with a more helpful and more loving "we're in this together" husband.

Yes, my husband exacerbates the issues.

But the issues are there, nonetheless, as you and others have pointed out, for even working moms with the most supportive spouses.

So, there you go. That's the situation. I bet we're not all that different from families in high cost of living areas, with no reliable family, and with two fairly equal careers where there is no clear cut path for one parent to be a SAHP.

I WOH and thought I would chime in regarding the above. First, I'm a practicing attorney and although I'm not in the type of profession where I need to be in a physical office from 9 to 5, I do actually bill work on average of 50 hours a week (I can do this in the office, at home, on top of the Empire State Building, at 3 am in the morning, it doesn't matter). We do live in a high cost of living area with no nearby relatives and DH is a full-time city employee. Given all this, DH and I had to sit back and really evaluate how we wanted to live our lives and handle our time. We did this early on because we were becoming quite aware of how hard this all could be and how quickly things could spiral out of control. I don't feel "lucky" to have DH on board as a co-parent and contributing family member. Rather, in my own strange, weird world, family members working together to achieve balance is a given, not a gift.

It also helped to evaluate what is really important and how our daily lives are organized. For example, we don't do any household work on the weekdays. Evenings are time to connect as a family and to relax. Laundry and cleaning and bulk cooking gets done once a week. DH does the grocery shopping on Thursday nights and we don't darken a store at any other time of the week. Shopping at stores is practically non-existent in our lives unless we have to stop at the drugstore. If someone needs a shirt or socks, they can order it on-line. Where does that leave me? With approximately 8 one-on-one waking hours per day with DD (approximately 2 hours in the morning and 5-6 hours in the evening) plus co-sleeping (DD takes a lengthy nap during the day so she can stay up later).

I'm not saying there are not stressful days, but by extremely simplifying our lives, we have greatly reduced the possibility of exhaustion and stress. If the kitchen floor looks dirty, it can stay dirty until cleaning day. I would go nuts if I were worrying about chores on a daily basis. Have I lowered my standards? Well, if my life were about chores, yes, but my life is about DD and DH. In order to address the ongoing problem of dirt and day-to-day living, we had to give those things their appropriate time and place. I have a lot of colleagues who also take this approach and I don't think that we are that unusual.

So, I would say that while having a great partner greatly increases your ability to handle life and child-rearing, I think that the way you organize your life and the way that you prioritize tasks play a key role. I had to come to terms with the fact that I control the situation, the situation doesn't control me. I'm sure that these same exact principles apply to stay-at-home parents. I know that with my own SAH mother, she had very little time for us due to the fact that she was overwhelmed by homemaking all the time. Frankly, she was trying to be the perfect housekeeper. She was there, yes, but she really wasn't involved with our lives at the level that I aspire to be involved with DD's life. That's why I think the WOH vs. SAHM mom thing is irrelevant: it comes down to the ability of an individual to "mother" and to "father." It is all rather subjective and depends totally on how a mother and father choose to parent. Just my humble observation and opinion.

[llwr]

PP really just said this, but I was thinking about how a household routine would help. Make sure to look at where your time is being wasted, what's draining your energy and what could be done more efficiently. Set small goals, and when they become a habit, add new ones. For example, maybe you could set a goal to make a meal a certain number of days a week. If you plan ahead, a quick but homemade meal is probably not too hard. Would DS like to help? It would take longer, but you would get some time with him, and teach him how to cook all at once. And make sure to schedule time with DS; I think it'll make you both feel better.

Is there anyone who could support DS at school when you both need to work? If there's no family, then a friend maybe so he doesn't feel left out?

If you do need to miss special things at school, can you make sure to have some special time at home?

Do you want to be a SAHM, but feel like you can't? Or are you just frustrated that there is no perfect answer, or that it's just not going the way you want it to? If you want to be a SAHM, take a good look at the numbers. You said that childcare was your second biggest expense. Now think about what kind of clothes you might need to buy for work, lunches out, meals out or takeout because you are too tired to cook, gasoline and wear and tear on the car going to work and daycare/preschool, even a difference in the taxes you file. Are you still making money at your job? How much per hour when you take out all the expenses work is causing? It's just something to think about.

Do you have any vacation time where you could try-out being a SAHM for a while without actually making the commitment? You could also re-do your budget to see if you can live on less before actually having to do it. If you can make do with less while you're working, the cost of childcare alone would give you more to work with if you ever did actually quit. What kind of childcare costs will you have once DS starts kindergarten?

It sounds like part of the issue is convincing DH, but if you can show him how his life wouldn't change-- like how little you're actually earning after all the expenses, or how it worked when you tried out being a SAHM or how you can get the same groceries for half the price when you have time to shop the sales and coupons, maybe he'd be convinced.

Is there any other job or kind of work that you could do that would be more flexible or where you could work from home sometimes? Anything you could do at your child's school? Then you wouldn't have to worry about things like snow days, summers...

I do think that making priorities, a routine, being organized is the key. Even SAHM's need that.

[USAmma]

It really, really depends on each person and their comfort, their children's personalities, their family situation. You cannot make blanket statements about what is good for children, or what is good for moms. There are extremes and there are middle grounds. Each person needs to find their own middle ground.

I was a SAHM for 9 years, from the time I got pg with my oldest, until my youngest went to Kindergarten this year. About 2 years ago I realized I wanted to be a nurse. I started taking night classes as pre-requisites for nursing school. During the day I stayed at home with my youngest, and at night I went to school. Dh stepped in to compensate at night and really learned he was good at parenting in ways that he had never been expected to do. This year I started full time nursing school. My kids go to school all day, and I go to school all day too. Evenings are busy only because I come home and have to study in the evenings, but I'm also there to tuck them into bed, eat dinner with them and so on. Dh does all their home work stuff, I do the piano lessons. He has them on weekends while I study. As soon as I graduate things will be less crazy. BUT I am exactly where I need to be right now and I feel very satisfied with my life.

The kids miss me sometimes. But my dh is there for them, too. They see mom working hard and they are hopefully inspired that when they grow up, they will work hard too. They have learned to do things that I used to do for them, and they are good at it and proud of themselves. My little one wants to be a nurse like me. Hopefully I'll be doing 3 days of 12 hour shifts a week and otherwise be home with the family.

So while it's crazy and there are compromises with time, and cooking is sometimes not very good (LOL!) we are doing okay. I could not be a SAHM long-term unless we had a more secure income situation. The kids need braces some day, and we need to start building our retirement fund. And there are so many other needs, where I just feel our family needs me to do this, and *I* need me to do this because it's very satisfying to work with the patients.

Whatever you decide, don't let it be driven by guilt or obligation. I mean, yes we are all obligated to our families, but you also need to find your own path so you can be a happier person and a balanced parent and spouse.