narcissistic mother and weight issues

[mom0810]

Hi,

Anyone out there have a narcissistic mother? Weight issues, also? My mother made a comment last night about my buying candy for the kids for Valentine's Day and when I confronted her about it, of course she turned the whole thing around to be about HER and how SHE can't ever say anything around me.

This just brings back so much stuff for me... I was heavy as a child (8) and her comments about "do you really need to eat that?" stuck with me to this day. I became anorexic at 11 and that wasn't good enough for her, either. She made constant comments about how I was too thin and needed to eat.

This roller coaster went on my whole life... cut to now, I'm 100 lbs. overweight and I've been working on this for over a month... lost 6 lbs so far that has stayed off. I was feeling so great about myself and my accomplishment and happy about Valentine's Day... planning on a great day today and this comment she made just totally derailed me. Then of course to have her make it about her... just makes me feel so powerless... which of course makes me want to turn to food. Talk about a vicious cycle.

My husband bought me new Ugg boots for Valentine's day.. my old ones are 5 years old and falling apart. I was so excited about them but now I feel as though I should wait to open them because I don't deserve them... I am not pretty enough to wear them.

Any support out there? Anyone dealing with this or have dealt with this? How do I get past this and back to a positive frame of mind?

[earth-mama]

First, I want to say congratulations on loosing the 6 lbs!!! You SHOULD feel good about that and definitely should open and wear your new boots!

I'm not sure how often you talk with your mother, but I have a few thoughts on how to handle negative talk from her. One, although not necessarily the best in the long run, is to stop talking with her. I have found that in order to heal from past hurts (that easily turn into current hurts) is to remove the person who causes the hurt from your life.

One caveat, eventually you need to learn how to deal with that person (especially a parent) if you truely want to heal.

Sorry, was going to say more, but my baby needs me.

[mom0810]

Thank you for the congratulations, I really need that.

I tried talking with her this morning, and although she did apologize, it wasn't until after she had told me how much *I* had hurt *her* by telling her how much she had hurt me by her comment. Does that make sense? Can you see how mixed up that is? It leaves me feeling powerless. Like someone has just negated my feelings in favor of theirs. It's the worst feeling and leaves me doubting myself every time.

The apology was totally un-heartfelt, too. Like, you want me to say I'm sorry? Fine. Sorry. No emotion, nothing. And it was only after I asked her (begged her?) for the apology that it was given.

I want to lose weight for myself. For my health. For my kids. And now I feel like if/when I lose more, it will be so that she can't say anything negative. I don't want her to get that victory away from me, does that make sense? It should be MINE. I should get to lose the weight for ME, not to escape ridicule from her...

[Happeesupermom]

I know it takes so much energy from you every time you have to deal with that.... that's how I feel when it happens to me: just drained!

I have tried talking with her to say, "Mom-- when you say X, it makes me feel Y." But it usually ends with her upset, saying something else that's hurtful and her adding, "Nobody can say anything to you because you get all angry & upset!"

One thing that I have learned to do.... is somewhat of a "middle ground". I haven't broken all contact with my mother... but I have managed to stear clear of certain topics. And when she gives me an unsolicited comment like that, I just ignore it. I just pretend she didn't say anything and go on to another topic or don't respond. It's worked so far.

HTH.

[bean-e]

Just browsing through this section for the first time while brushing my teeth and I wanted to make a comment. I hope you will not be offended.
It seems to me that you have given a whole lot of power to your mom and are wanting to be validated by her. Are you able to find ways to validate yourself even if she invalidates you so that you are in control of your power?

[newbiemama09]

Originally Posted by mom0810

Thank you for the congratulations, I really need that.

I tried talking with her this morning, and although she did apologize, it wasn't until after she had told me how much *I* had hurt *her* by telling her how much she had hurt me by her comment. Does that make sense? Can you see how mixed up that is? It leaves me feeling powerless. Like someone has just negated my feelings in favor of theirs. It's the worst feeling and leaves me doubting myself every time.

The apology was totally un-heartfelt, too. Like, you want me to say I'm sorry? Fine. Sorry. No emotion, nothing. And it was only after I asked her (begged her?) for the apology that it was given.

I want to lose weight for myself. For my health. For my kids. And now I feel like if/when I lose more, it will be so that she can't say anything negative. I don't want her to get that victory away from me, does that make sense? It should be MINE. I should get to lose the weight for ME, not to escape ridicule from her...

how is your hubby though all of this? i don't have a mother quite like yours, but i have a mother who can, at times, bring a LOT of stress in my life, and my DH was like a ROCK. he was NOT afraid to tell my mother when she was being too obnixious or overbearing, and save me from having to confront/deal with that. is that something your DH could do, or help out with? that way your mother won't be hurt by *your* comments, they will be HIS comments. still probably won't make you feel any better, but to know that your DH is ON YOUR SIDE and SUPPORTING you can make a world of difference.

as far as losing weight, each and every pound is a ACCOMPLISHMENT that should be praised and even rewarded. WEAR THOSE BOOTS!! they're YOURS, you EARNED them, and they were given by someone who LOVES YOU. try to remember that you're losing the weight for youself, your kids and your health, NO ONE ELSE. if you do it for your mother, you're letting her overpower you. make realistic, easy goals for yourself and take pride in each pound lost. and if you gain some, tell yourself it's NOT YOUR FAULT and you'll try again.

[iamme]

I have a mom like you describe.
I have had chronic health issues since I was a teen. Until I was about 40 yo, I was always thin, with an athletic build. (Not a *healthy* thin.)
I remember being 105 pounds,5'4", muscle and bone from long distance running, and my mom literally patting my stomach and telling me how I needed to tone up.

We each need to figure out what is best for ourselves, and I arrived at a place where I am comfortable with the minimalist contact with mom. Cards on the major holidays,yes if she wants to pick up the dc and take them to lunch, thank you notes for gifts, a call now and then to see how she is doing or when then dc are bugging me to do so. That's it, and I wrote her a long while ago to let her know this would be it. It's no fun, but I am a HORRIBLE person,wife and mom when I am exposed to my mom for more than an hour or so.

Her self-absorbed comments? I no longer choose to "play her game." It's all about choice! Easier said than done, but definitely doable!!

My motto: "It's nothing about me, and ALL ABOUT HER!"

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I believe you will rise above the hole she wants you in-and it probably isn't a hole she REALLY wants you in, but the only one she is comfortable having you in-if that makes sense.(?)

[mom0810]

Thank you so much, both of you, for your recent comments. I appreciate them so much.

My weight loss has stalled... not really sure why, but it has. I have lost a total of 10 lbs, and I am proud of that and the fact that it's staying off.

Learning how to deal with my mother is going to be a life long thing for me. Anyone who has dealt with this know that, because we so desperately want our mother's approval, when we don't get it or she stops short of giving it, it's really hard.

[iamme]

Originally Posted by mom0810

Thank you so much, both of you, for your recent comments. I appreciate them so much.

My weight loss has stalled... not really sure why, but it has. I have lost a total of 10 lbs, and I am proud of that and the fact that it's staying off.

Learning how to deal with my mother is going to be a life long thing for me. Anyone who has dealt with this know that, because we so desperately want our mother's approval, when we don't get it or she stops short of giving it, it's really hard.

Good for you on your weightloss!!

You are so right when you say it will be a life long issue to learn how to deal with your mom. My own is almost 70, and is waaaay beyond the point of changing. That means I have to change my way of thinking about her, and how I respond-or not- to her. It's hard. I try to be the best mom I can be to my own dc-and that's the best i can really do.

[journeymom]

About the boots, I know what you mean.

In my case I've belived for a long time that my happiness is conditional. I have to work to earn the right to be happy. Boots make me happy? Well, I have to do something to earn the right to wear those boots!

The problem is, the list of things I have to do be worthy is never ending! There's always something! Because I'm just a human being and I don't do things perfectly the first time, because I make mistakes, there will always be something I need to do before I can allow myself to be happy, before I am worthy of whatever it might be, like wearing the fantastic new boots my loving husband gave me.

Does this sound like your experience?

You are worthy of wearing those boots right now! Already! You are worth while regardless of how much you weigh. You are worth while regardless of what your very limited, stunted mom says. Her comments are not grounded in reality and do not reflect who you really are. You really are a fantastic, worthy person.

I hope I'm at least sort of right, here! Forgive me if I've projected too much of my own issues on your post.

[mom0810]

Thanks you guys. I AM wearing the boots today... more than a month after Valentine's Day, when my husband bought them for me... but TODAY I took them out of the box and put them on and I LOVE THEM!

Thank you so much for your wonderful support. I send the same to all of you and I know that with good people around us, life can be so happy.