Childcare fear every time - help please!

[mm22]

Hi,

DD, who's turning 3 next week, started childcare 4 weeks ago, one day a week. The morning cring and hysteria is getting worse and worse now that she knows the drill. She actually started telling me 3 days ago after she woke up that she didn't want to go there. When asked her why, she said because mummy's not there.

I know it's normal for children to cry at dropping off, but I think DD was actually hysterical. The centre carers were helpful but having to peel her off me and watch and hear her scream really isn't a good experience at all.

Do you think I should persevere?? Or perhaps I should wait a little longer to start her again???

She wants to go there IF I stay there, so she doesn't hate it there, I think she hates the fact that I'm not there.... sigh...

Help?

[SunshineJ]

I think it sounds like a lot of the problem is that she's only there for 1 day a week. Is there any way she could go say 2 hrs a day 3 days a week? Long spans between visits like that tend to make it harder on some children as they get used to being back home again. It also makes it hard to know the routine, make friends and get comfortable with the teachers. Heck my kids are 5 and 7 now and after the first long weekend at their elementary school there were several of the younger children having issues for the same reason.

[Addy's Mom]

What's she like after you leave her at day care? My son was like that almost daily, but settled down within minutes after I left. He was also always much worse on Mondays after the weekend of having Mommy and Daddy all to himself all day. I agree with the previous poster that two or three days a week might be better.

[MeepyCat]

If she's happy after you leave (call and ask) and you're not seeing worrying behavioral changes at home, persevere. If she's not happy after you leave, or you are seeing behavioral changes at home, drop this place like a hot rock.

No child care situation is the right fit for every family.

[Dandelionkid]

dd 18 months was really, really upset at her drop-off about 2x/wk at a dayhome when she first started there. She was fine when we left but I did change her to an even smaller dayhome about 4 weeks later, with a warmer care-giver and the problem completely went away.

[LynnS6]

1 day a week is really hard on the child because they're not there enough to get familiar and comfortable with people, but they have all the anxiety of separation.

I would base my decision on what she's like 15 minutes after you leave. If she's calmed down and happy then I'd continue. If she's sad all day and doesn't recover, I'd look for alternate care. For 1x a week, someone coming to your home might work much better.

[ssh]

I waited until my DD was almost 4 before starting preschool because she just wasn't ready. You said it was childcare though so I don't know if waiting is an option for you. How many hours is your DD there?

[TiredX2]

Your OP makes it sound like you have the option of her not going? Is this a situation you need her to go (like you have work obligations) or are you doing this for social reasons? What is she doing the other days of the week?

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/6/11 at 8:35am

[mm22]

Thanks all for your valuable suggestions and ideas, it's so nice to have them. (sorry for this long post in advance)

We decided to start childcare for her mainly because I thought it was good for her to mix with other kids on a regular basis by herself, to learn new things that she doesn't learn from the home environment. I do work from home and if I really want, my in-laws don't live far away and they're willing to take the kids on for as many days as we'd like to, also my parents can occassionally help out too IF we ask (but we really kinda just want to limit the grandparents option to maximum 1 day a week, they're really nice people, but sorry not to be mean or anything, they often don't realise that they're not the parents and can't help themselves but to want to take over everything which makes it quite difficult and complicated for us to deal with, but that's gonna be another post). As we have a younger one who's 14 months old as well, I also think it's nice for me to spend some one-on-one time with her taking her swimming or just doing grocery shopping.

On days that my 3-yo doesn't go to childcare, we go to playgroup, and just started dance and swimming classes, occasional library activities (singing, story time etc) or we go to the park, shopping, and of course we also have days we just stay home. Playgroup is great but it's only around 2 to 3 hours each week, and I'm always there. She's extremely shy with dancing and swimming on her own at the moment. So the whole idea was just hoping she'd become more comfortable and learn to be more independant so to prepare her for later school life (in 2 years), but you know, I really don't want to push her too hard if it's not good for her?

Thing is, when I pick her up and ask her if she had fun, she always said yes, and when the carer asked if she'd like to come back, she also said yes. Her behaviour at home hasn't really changed except when crying to me that she doesn't want to go to childcare because mummy's not there.

She was there from 9am to 11:30am the first couple of days, and now from 8:30am to around 3pm (which will probably be how long I'd like her to be there for).

The current childcare centre is ok, and yesterday I just got offerred a spot for her at another centre (one which was actually was my first preference). The dilemma is now:

1. is it really doing DD good to start childcare now?
2. should I let her try 2 days a week?
3. should I take the spot at the other centre (they provide all meals)?

How do I know if I'm making the right decision for her.....

[tbone_kneegrabber]

i want to echo the more days suggestion. A lot of kids do better with more time somewhere. Also how long is she upset for after you leave? Ds did this too. He started out LOVING preschool and after 3 or 4 months would cry when I would leave (the whole sobbing, heart wrenching crying thing), but his teacher said after just a few minutes he was fine and had a good day. (I know and trust his teachers and they have called when he's been "too sad" or "out of sorts" so I know that they would call us if he couldn't make it through the day)

[SweetPotato]

Between swimming, dance, playgroup, etc.- it sounds liketo me she's doing a LOT! Personally, I would probably either back off entirely, or try two half-days a week. My dd started taking a once a week 30 minute dance class without me at 3 1/2. Now she's 4 and we've added one 1.5 hour class. If you really need that time for working, that's one thing- but at barely 3 years old I don't think you need to feel pressured to do it for HER. 2 years before school starts is a huge amount of growth time for a small child. No hurry

[mm22]

I actually did begin to think that DD is suddenly doing way too much too!! Sometimes I feel I give DD pressure without realising it!!

We've actually dropped dance class until later this year since she doesn't want to go without me... but I think we will let her do 2 days a week at daycare.

Does anyone think it's ok for a 3 year old not to start childcare? I know everyone says it's an individual thing, but 99% of friends' kids already started childcare wayyyy before DD. The purpose really is just for DD to socialise and learn to be independant for her age, am I doing the right thing??

On one hand some mums told me to be brave and persevere, others (less) told me that if DD's not ready, wait until she's older. I'm just afraid that the older she gets, the harder it will be for her to adjust.... does anyone have any input?

Thanks for you posts, they actually do help me to clear my mind.

[TiredX2]

I definately believe it is okay for a 3 year old to not go to childcare. It sounds like you are giving her LOTS of socialization opportunities PLUS she has other adults in her life, so she really doesn't need childcare at all. If you don't need childcare, I wouldn't use it.

[SweetPotato]

I definitely think it's okay to wait. As she gets older, she'll get more mature and better able to understand that you're coming back, more interested in the other kids as playmates, etc. Personally, I have been conscious of not wanting to push my dd too early, because I don't want to setup negative associations (and she's got a personality that is very slow to warm up to new people, etc.). In my mind, I'd rather she go when she's 4 or even 5 and excited about it, than have it be something she dreads that I force her to do. As it is, my dd will be 4 (almost 5) when she starts preschool 2 mornings (that's 9-11:30) a week. There are plenty of people here that start sooner, but most of my friends' kids the same age will also just be starting at the same time. That gives them one full year of very part-time preschool before half-day kindergarten. I guess I just don't believe that we can "make" them be ready (more mature, etc.) before their time. That doesn't mean that I don't think it's okay to challenge them a little, to try new things, etc.- but just that I think we have to really try to be in tune with our own kids and where THEY are at any point in time- and try to respect that.

[mm22]

Ah decisions decisions....

Pull her out of childcare all together after being there 4 times??

OR

Increase her days from 1 day to 2 days a week????

I really hope any of the decisions above won't leave any long term negative effects for her?? If only there's a way to be sure!!

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by mm22

Ah decisions decisions....

Pull her out of childcare all together after being there 4 times??

OR

Increase her days from 1 day to 2 days a week????

I really hope any of the decisions above won't leave any long term negative effects for her?? If only there's a way to be sure!!

Breathe. Kids are not that easily wrecked. Make the decision that works for your family.

[SweetPotato]

If you tried 2 days a week, could you do shorter days?-- I can see how a couple of hours might be fun, but knowing that once she's dropped off she's going to be there allllll day could feel like a really long time for a little person.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Breathe. Kids are not that easily wrecked. Make the decision that works for your family.

Yes this. With exclamation points.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by mm22

Ah decisions decisions....

Pull her out of childcare all together after being there 4 times??

OR

Increase her days from 1 day to 2 days a week????

I really hope any of the decisions above won't leave any long term negative effects for her?? If only there's a way to be sure!!

Like a PP said, kids are resilient.

Personally, I would pull her from the childcare. If your only reason is for socialization it seems like she just doesn't need it. She takes other classes. Do you plan on sending her to kindergarten when she is 5? If so, you might want to consider a preschool type activity for her next year, but you definately don't need to worry about that at three.