Grandparent discussion. - Page 2

[tanyalynn]

I think you can actually make a strong morals/faith argument for teaching kids at home, even if the offer of a private religious school is made. It sounds like you share values with them, and if you think that you, as parents, will do a better job imparting your family values (in the sense of the values that all four of you share) to your kids, then that seems like a uniting factor.

It sounds like your DH's parents made good choices raising him (in your DH's view), shared their values in a way that he, as an adult, still has the same or similar values--so if you feel that in today's world, in order to do as good a job, you really feel that home is the best environment for that, it seems like a genuine validation of their choices. I'm making some assumptions about how you and your DH feel, so maybe this wouldn't work, but I actually think I could have a similar discussion with my parents, so it seems reasonable to me.

I think this point was also a great one.

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

So, I'd thank them for their offer and let them know that you are very excited about homeschooling. Homeschooling can be expensive, so maybe ask them to contribute to some lessons (music, swimming, gymnastics, art, etc.) or museum/zoo memberships or bookclubs, magazine subscriptions.

Maybe think of specific ways that you want to take advantage of a flexible schedule, for example, lots of days at a specific museum? Historical fairs, classes through local museums or the zoo on specific topics of interest?

Maybe one of your kids is high energy and will do best with a couple hours running around outside before sitting down for numbers? Or a very talkative kid who could conceivably get in trouble at school for innocent, enthusiastic chatter, but at home, that's not a problem, and you can even help them learn to use words and verbal arguments more effectively. You know what I mean--things that could be a detriment in a classroom setting can either be worked around or actively cultivated at home, but personalized to your kids.

[zeldamomma]

If you want them to better understand why you want homeschool, then I would (because this is how I work) write up why I want to homeschool. I'd keep it brief and positive-- with lots about what I like about homeschooling, and little or nothing about why I dislike schools.

I might also share what I'd learned about resources, groups, classes, etc... available for homeschoolers in the area-- help them better picture how you'll spend your days. Bring along any curriculum you've bought that you're excited about. If you have catalogs with things you think you might buy, bring them along to share.

HTH!

ZM

[Copper]

I get along well with my inlaws and my parents are 6 hours away. We pulled dd out of K after 4 days, for horrible days. That was what started us on our journey, we were reluctant homeschoolers (dh and myself). What happened in our instance was we got short notice (a week!) that the private school we enrolled our dd in for K was closing. So in a panic we put her in public school.

We had MIL and FIL over and told them that we were going to try homeschooling. There was another private school a town over but he had heard some less than stellar things about....and we were still kinda in shock and worried about what to do. They immediately offered to pay for a private school....keep in mind she was in a private school for 3 1/2 days....that was no perfect either there were issues. Nothing is perfect. I told them we would try and see how it goes. My parents were fine with it....inlaws are....well, coming around after 4 years LOL.

I think what my MIL wants to know and "feels better about" when I told her some of the options of activities, groups, different things, had dd give her a "worksheet" or something she worked on. My dd has blossomed and is active in many things. However, I do still get MIL questioning about testing and doesn't the state require it....and some other kinde of obnoxious questions sometimes (she has been on a kick the last month or so).
Just be confident, try not to get offended....perhaps she can offer her "expertise" in an area/subject to help? They may also think that you are just "trying this" and you will get it out of your system. ...that is okay then they may live and let live. Good luck!

[AAK]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

I have some word retrieval issues, and at times of stress, it really comes out. If I have some ideas of what to say (if infact it is an offer to pay for private school), it usually goes much better. I know it will be ok. The conversation will be fine. There will be tons of respect, etc. I guess what I'm wondering here (aside from mostly venting/thinking outloud) is if you would turn down private school (for free), why? What would you say to the people offering?

I would turn down private school--even if it was free. I have friends whose kids go to the private school that we would most likely use. They had very similar issues that we had in public school. Some things were better--ie the hot lunch menu was actually healthy and correctly proportioned. But, their classroom size was actually larger than our ps classrooms. Not only that, but since there was only one class per grade, (good if you liked all the kids--not so good if there was a "group" that picked on your kid) they didn't have the resources to accommodate the kids that needed acceleration or remediation. You still have to stick with their schedule, still have homework, still have to ask to use the bathroom, also the fundraising pressure was greater at the private vs public schools.

Amy

[elanorh]

I can understand wanting to talk this out with your IL's and have a mutual understanding about your goals with your child's education.

I love the suggestion that, if they offer to pay for a private school, you instead suggest that they supplement some of the costs of homeschooling. Would your IL's get really excited about paying for Suzuki music lessons, or swim lessons at the Y, or a membership at the local museum (we have a membership at a local museum which is good at something like 300+ other museums nationally; so we have visited museums for free from FL to OR and back).

I think that one of the difficult adjustments for both my family and dh's, was coming to understand that we weren't going to just submit ourselves to the "School Attendance Gods." Dh is self-employed, I'm the at-home parent, we keep dh's hours (why would I get the girls up three hours before their dad is awake, just to shush them so they don't wake him?) - and we travel a LOT. I think everyone was expecting us to do a 180 and "finally live like normal people," start getting up at 6:30am and putting the girls to bed at 7:30pm and travel only during school breaks (even though that doesn't work for dh's work schedule), because it was the 'right' thing to do. I suspect that some think we were selfish, in fact, to choose to homeschool. But just this K year, we've been able to travel home to spend time with my sister who was home from China (everyone else could only spend the weekend, we spent several days during the week, and the weekend too) - traveled to see great-grandmas in Kansas - we've visited 8 museums, one zoo, one national park - and in a month, we'll be taking a two-week loop through the SW USA.

It's hard sometimes for family to understand the choice to homeschool, because it's a completely different paradigm than they've ever considered.

[dannic]

Originally Posted by elanorh

It's hard sometimes for family to understand the choice to homeschool, because it's a completely different paradigm than they've ever considered.

I agree. Both with scheduling, time-frame (you only spend HOW LONG on academics?), and purposely delaying academics...as in, why aren't you pushing reading?

[Smokering]

I agree with presenting homeschooling as a positive choice, not a last resort. Something like "We really appreciate the offer, but we didn't decide to homeschool out of financial necessity. We feel homeschooling is right for us philosophically and we're really excited about starting it".

[NaturalMamma]

I think the best thing is for you to understand why you are choosing homeschooling (have solid convictions about HSing) and for you and DH to be totally united in this decision. When you have that, there will be no need to sell it/convince your ILs/help them understand. The words will just come naturally and you won't feel stressed about it or guilty, etc. Your confidence will be evident and they will have confidence in you even if they don't understand it all.

I hear you saying that you have a wonderful relationship with them and you want them involved in the decision and you want their blessing for HSing. And perhaps that may happen or perhaps it won't. It sounds like you're wanting to offer them solid information about HSing (you're trying to sell it to them) when the decision to HS usually goes far beyond the statistics of how it works. For our family it is the lifestyle and the freedom that goes along with it. We love the HSing life. It doesn't sound like you are secure in your decision and that will come through in your conversations with your ILs.

Even if you convince your ILs that HSing "works" and that you are qualified and will produce college-ready students, I can almost guarantee you that you will be beholden to them for the next 12 years and it will wreck your relationship with them and quite possibly your marriage. I don't say that to be rude, but out of concern. (((hugs)))

[SaoirseC]

Originally Posted by Jenelle

Poor kid peed his pants in the line in library, because he didn't think he was "allowed" to go at that time. Didn't tell anyone, rode the bus home like that, and I noticed it as soon as I leaned down to give him a hug when he came home.

I did this in 2nd grade because our teacher told us that if anyone asked to go to the bathroom, she was going to say "no" (I think someone was "abusing" the bathroom thing and she was getting tired of the interruptions). So, like the compliant little girl who I was, I didn't ask to go. I was wearing a white dress that day :\ and wore it for the rest of the day at school. The "ask to go pee" thing really bugs me too, especially when it's continued into the high school years!

[SaoirseC]

Wow, I'm kind of jealous that you have such an open relationship with them! A lot can be learned from more experienced generations! Aside from presenting your POV about why you prefer homeschooling (try not to say negative things about schooling, but rather positive hings about home schooling), if they still aren't comfortable with the idea, maybe you could ask them why. "I'll get back to you on that" is a wonderful phrase that I like to use when I'm feeling tongue-tied, followed up in email or in person after I've had a chance to think about it longer. Good luck, and have faith that they'll adjust eventually. I think the trick is to help them understand that it's not a rejection of their ideas, and that there's still lots of room for their involvement! Having grandparents like that could be a real boon to home schooled kids!

*edit*

Oops, I just realized this is an older post. How did things go?

[SundayCrepes]

I haven't read the replies.

For severe family reasons, we had to put our son in preschool for 2.5 months. It was a good school, but neither me nor my son was ever happy about that. Anyway, to prepare him we got a couple books about preschool. They were good books (I'm not at home so don't have the title to link to.) One of the books was really wonderful about all the good things that the teacher does for the students (in the drawings, there are only 4 kids in the class. yeah, right.) Every time I read that book to my son, I would think, "But that's my job to teach him all those things. I don't want a stranger to get those experiences, those are MY experiences."

I doubt if your getting the experiences would be a great argument for your inlaws. However, I think it's valid to look at what you can offer your son that no one else can. "I want to teach HIM more than anyone else wants to teach HIM. I am far more motivated to what is best for him than anyone else is. I know him better than anyone else. I will do a better job than anyone else."

[Grace and Granola]

OP, I'm pretty much at the same stage as you are in the process of hs-ing. Have you thought about and written out your educational goals for your children? I am working on this because we haven't told anyone in the family that we will be hs-ing, and I'm the type that can't really think well on my feet when faced with debate, so I want to be "armed" and well versed in my reasons for homeschooling. I've asked my husband to come up with his top 5 educational goals and I am going to come up with mine and we are going to form some sort of "mission statement." I want these to become what I live and breathe so I will be unshakable in the face of debate. An abbreviated example would be something like this:

-To raise heavenly minded people
-For our children to love learning
-For our children to be primarily influenced by us rather than peers

You get the picture! Do you think if you did something like that you'd be more comfortable during your conversation with the ILs?

I also like the idea from a pp who suggested that you gratefully decline the offer to pay for private school, but if they would like to participate in their education they could work with you on finding some extracurriculars and memberships to support their education at home.

I also do see there being a bit of a power shift going on. And as great as your ILs are, they have had a HUGE influence on the decision regarding your kids' educations thus far, and maybe they feel like they will become less important and less influential because you're homeschooling. Help them partner with you in a way that is comfortable for everyone.

[cmoma]

It's interesting to read this because we are just beginning our journey and my inlaws want to discuss our decision also. My fear was in fact that they would offer to pay for private school and although we have not yet had the "talk" they have not offered to pay for private either, which I am thankful for because I don't want to have that convo. I would just politely decline and as I read earlier someone mentioned maybe asking them to instead use some of that money towards, curricula, field trips, craft stuff? I like that.

Unfortunately I do not have a great relationship with my MIL and she is very attached to our son. The comments she has made to my husband have been less than stellar, but I hope with time she will see the benefits to it.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[greenmamapagan]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

I have some word retrieval issues, and at times of stress, it really comes out. If I have some ideas of what to say (if infact it is an offer to pay for private school), it usually goes much better. I know it will be ok. The conversation will be fine. There will be tons of respect, etc. I guess what I'm wondering here (aside from mostly venting/thinking outloud) is if you would turn down private school (for free), why? What would you say to the people offering?

I haven't read the rest of the thread but I would say something along the lines of "We feel very strongly that the freedom to eat/play/toilet (definitely mention it but grouped together with the other stuff)/learn on one's own schedule will bring the best results for our children."
If indeed it is that they want to pay for private school I would say "Thankyou very much for you offer and for your concern but we have put a lot of thought and research into this decision and really feel it is right for us." If you were interested perhaps you could let them know of the existence of distance colleges like K-12 and ask them to keep it in mind if it turns out you & your children would be interested in that later on.

[TulsiLeaf]

The one thing I will say is that having open and wonderful discussions with grandparents are great. I know that we all like to say "it's the parents decision" but in general family terms, grandparents care about what is best for their grandkids(barring those crazy ones). I think it is good to have the family, all of them, concerned about the childrens well being.

That being said. Sometimes opening up the channels of conversation can be both good and bad. Getting to into what you believe and why you don't want to public/private school can invite hours of them trying to convince you you are wrong. If they are anything like my mother, anything that deviates from what they did can be perseeved as you telling them what they did with their kids was wrong and you think they are horrid parents. So, personally, I would stay far away from "I think public schools are awful". Keep everything based on your child. "We think the best way for our child to learn is at home with us"

And since you suffer from the word retrival, maybe writing out some points on index cards? Talk about it a lot with your husband and do a mock conversation so you can have something already run over in your head so you are comfortable.

Also, maybe including them in on the process? Asking them if they would love to help out. Show them what you are doing with your children. Invite them alone with a trip out somewhere, ask them to take your child out to a musuem or to the park. Maybe including them in on the process will help them process it better.

[naturegirl7]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

I have some word retrieval issues, and at times of stress, it really comes out. If I have some ideas of what to say (if infact it is an offer to pay for private school), it usually goes much better. I know it will be ok. The conversation will be fine. There will be tons of respect, etc. I guess what I'm wondering here (aside from mostly venting/thinking outloud) is if you would turn down private school (for free), why? What would you say to the people offering?

I would turn it down, and explain why I think that my child would thrive in a homeschool environment. Personally I feel that my son will benefit much more from being home than at ANY school.

I would also ask them what their biggest fears/concerns are regarding homeschooling - which would most likely be "falling behind" and "socialization" explain the various criteria you need to met to homeschool - like my state requires a portfolio and either a standardized test or review by a certified teacher.
Socialization - I am lucky enough to have a great social network in place already, plus active homeschooling groups locally, and lots of opportunities for extra classes/activities....With my own famiy I would tell them that instead of putting money towards a private school they are more than welcome to help with enrolling him in extra classes - like an art class at the local musuem, tumble or dance classes, science claases/camps at the local environmental center/zoo/aquarium, lego club, music lessons - that sort of thing.

Good Luck!