Am I over reacting? - Page 2

[octobermom]

I'm going to give him the benefit of hte doubt and assume his siblings live far away and he doesn't get to see them often and that the reason he wants to be there when they get there is to maximize time together. Not that it justifies blatant disregard for your very justified feelings, or the serious potential issues posed by your lack of support...

Two of his siblings live in CA another in Flordia he saw his Flordia sister and his brother last time over Christmas Vaccation his other sister we last saw over the summer at his brothers wedding. We see his family on average every 3-4 months to some degree (unlike mine since we really are too far from them) we last saw his parents over the Christmas break as well. Still I'm not against him wanting to be there with his family and for his fathers birthday not at all I totally get that want wahts bugging me is how dissmissive hes been of whats really going on. It took us close to 7 years to successfully carry another baby and I feel like he is not a part of this process. There is already a hige conflict with his work schedued the actual day (weekend) that I am due and now this I just maybe selfishly feel like I'd like him to actually consider me FIRST for just a moment rather than me being his back up issue and what happens if I go into labor.

If this were me, and I knew that changing his mind was not going to happen, I would set as a minimum that he take your older daughter with him. She can miss one-two days of school for a family reunion, and the last thing you need is to go into labor with her at school and no one to take care of her.

HAving our DD go with his is NON negiotable it would be an absoulte disaster MIL is toxic I would 100% can not emphize more HAVE to be with her to protect her. DH "won't" not because he doesn't or wouldn' want to but that he knows he is unable to around his mother. We are in full agreement over that. I have thought on the school issue and I think if DH does insist on driving out on Thursday I'm just going to keep my DD at home with me well have one of our final Mommy DD weekends jsut us before babay coems and forbid somethign does happen yea I don't want to be trying to figure out how to get her as well.

Giving birth by yourself, in contrast, is doable, especially if you're planning a hospital birth, and if he'll only be a four hour drive away, he should get there pretty quickly after if he leaves at the first sign of labor. He'd need to agree to leave as soon as you request it of him, with no second-guessing of whether it's real labor, etc., though.

I'm actually not worried about giving birth alone. Actually DH was more of a distration during my labr with DD and I would have prefered if he'd waited outside Its the introverted way in me.. But hes is still my DH the father ect this is again our first successful birth after multiple loss. This is a high risk pregancy and possible birth I
d jsut like him to be there...

Giving birth by yourself, in contrast, is doable, especially if you're planning a hospital birth, and if he'll only be a four hour drive away, he should get there pretty quickly after if he leaves at the first sign of labor. He'd need to agree to leave as soon as you request it of him, with no second-guessing of whether it's real labor, etc., though.

As for labor well I know every birth is diffrent I totally get that but let me give you a little back ground to how my first went..
I had zero pre labor prior to the day never felt a single braxiton hicks ect nothing jsut baby movement.. . A few weeks before at my finial OB appointment I was told I was like 2cm dialated and so such efaced (or something along those lines) I felt nothing jsut knew it be some time soon.. The day my DD was born I had zero pain water never broke no lost plug ect nothing I just had this sudden over whelming feeling that maybe I should go check in.
We checked in I was up walking around talking laughing we watched TV They did an exam told me I was at a 2 and such JST like the doctor had a few weeks ago... They said well well keep you here a bit and see... About 2 hours latter I still felt NOTHING zero pain zero leaking zero anything but I was checked again and told I'd dialated to a 4 and that I was going to stay..
This was around 3:00pmish on October 26th 2002... Maybe 15 mintues latter I had sudden pains that never let up they were right on top of each other the pushing sensation was soo strong there was no way to stop it at 4:16pm my 6lb DD came into the world. My water was broke by the doctor as I delivered it happened so fast they didn't not have equipment ready I tore extensivily I think jsut because my body delivered sooo fast. Hoenstly IF I'd waited till contractions had actually started I would have delivered at home. I have prexisting heart conditions and I'm diabetic there is real risks in that senerio. This birth can be totally diffrent but we have a ling family history of fast delivery and early births, I'd rather be prepared... I know yes he would leave right away would he make it not too sure...


Deanna

[MiaMama]

I wanted to send
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I would make it as clear as possible how I felt about the situation.

[kalamos23]

DDCC - in your situation, I think I would literally forbid my DH to go. I would pull the married card (you are married to ME not your mother and I need you) and just tell him it's non negotiable.

Especially with as fast as your last delivery was - that is crazy. Maybe suggest he go to see his father? grandfather? this week or something instead of when you coould very conceivably go into labor.

[octobermom]

Thanks all for at least validating my feelings. I'm still not sure how to react I know I should just be fully open and honest I'm just not in a good place for it I soo want for him to choose me first at this time and me not be his "What if" plans. At the same time I really really don't want to add fuel to the fire concerning his mother.

Deanna

[moonglowmama]

Could you ask to have a heart-to-heart with him? Let him know you aren't expecting something to change this minute, but you would like for your thoughts and feelings to be fully understood. Request that he let you talk for 5 minutes or so without interruption, and let him know you'll listen to him for 5 minutes also.

It may not change anything, but it might help heal things between you a little.

[mirtodd]

What about a compromise?

DH obviously wants to celebrate his dad's birthday, but it is horrible timing for you & your family.

Why not suggest that DH makes a day-trip a week or 2 before the birthday party and take his dad out for a guys' day (golfing, a special meal, whatever) and celebrate with him one-on-one. Then he can be at home with you when your bebe is so close to arriving. He most definately doesn't need to be there to shuttle his siblings about when you are ready to explode.

[Geigerin]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Short of an absolute emergency, I would be furious if my DH went anywhere without me right now (and our MW says I'll probably go around a week after my EDD, based on my long cycles and this being our first).

That said, I can understand how difficult it is to express how you're feeling. The conflict w/ your MIL takes a huge toll on your emotions and how you communicate with your DH. I liked the previous suggestion to have your MW talk with your DH. Hearing it from a third party would probably make a huge difference in how you husband handles this.

Another idea might be to put what you're feeling in writing. Even if you don't give a letter to your DH, it might help you find the words you need to express how you're feeling. And that will give you and opportunity to edit and make sure what you're saying is balanced and free of the more toxic emotions you have regarding your MIL (and just focus on what you really need, your husband present for the birth of your child).

Hope this works out. Please keep us updated with what you decide.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by mirtodd

What about a compromise?

DH obviously wants to celebrate his dad's birthday, but it is horrible timing for you & your family.

Why not suggest that DH makes a day-trip a week or 2 before the birthday party and take his dad out for a guys' day (golfing, a special meal, whatever) and celebrate with him one-on-one. Then he can be at home with you when your bebe is so close to arriving. He most definately doesn't need to be there to shuttle his siblings about when you are ready to explode.

He wont its all about being there for the party and with his family and siblings the biggest issue I'm having wrapping my stubborn head around is the idea he needs to Go on Thursday and not like Friday evening or even Saturday morning...

Deanna

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by octobermom

He wont its all about being there for the party and with his family and siblings the biggest issue I'm having wrapping my stubborn head around is the idea he needs to Go on Thursday and not like Friday evening or even Saturday morning...

I'm pretty sure it's not your "stubborn head" that's the problem here. You really shouldn't be blaming yourself for being too stubborn to understand it, when there's really nothing to understand. He doesn't need to leave Thursday and stay for several days. HE is the one being stubborn, not you.

...I soo want for him to choose me first at this time and me not be his "What if" plans.

I know how you feel. DH and I had a LOT of issues after DD was born, because I was so worried about being overly demanding that I sat around feeling sorry for myself when he didn't just do of his own free will whatever it was that I needed him to do. I didn't want to have to ask him not to go out with our friends all the time while I was stuck at home. I wanted him to realize that I needed him to be there and choose to stay home. That really caused a lot of resentment between us and I almost left him. I think the healthiest thing is not to wait for someone to choose you when it's something this important to you. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how you feel about it, but I honestly don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive my DH if I were you. It's not that I'd divorce him over it, of course, but I really would have an issue with ever trusting him to care about my needs again. Perhaps you don't feel as strongly, but if you do you really need to ask yourself if this is something you're just going to be able to get over. If not, then he needs to know that and he needs to not go or he needs to just make a day trip of it. You're NOT being unreasonable.

[gcgirl]

Well, my OB would tell him not to go. He's already had the talk with DH. Basically, DH is advised not to go anywhere starting at 37 weeks. I think a professional opinion may be in order.

[Bethla]

What is wrong with people? Your MIL sounds like she has no clue. Why would you push your son to be away from his pregnant wife for a birthday party? And how is your dh going to explain to his other family members...oh sure she could deliver at any time so I took a long weekend to come visit all of you? I think you tried to make a compromise and dh needs to either do just that or not go at all. After you explained your history I think it would be better for him not to be more than an hour from home at any time until baby is born.