or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Did I overreact?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Did I overreact? - Page 3

post #41 of 87
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hakeber View Post
Soooo, am I the only one DYING to know what the parents thought of this?
My sister was understanding, but kinda struck me as a bit upset (but not wanting to say so). The hubby was understanding too, but remained his normal cheery self. It was only spoken of for a few minutes though when they picked the kids up, so we haven't spoken in-depth about it.
post #42 of 87
I was thinking about this over night.

I never used a harness on my DD, mainly because it is impossible to "gently remind the child to stay close" if said child is grim determined NOT to stay close, whatever you say, ask or think, and holding her hand gave me a better control over her because she generally changed her body language before she ran in ways it was easier to read through her hand than reins.

BUT this harness was given to control a child who runs away and lacks the maturity to stay close when asked. That is EXACTLY the way it was used. It might not have been the intended child, but it was definitely the intended use.

OP - i would have been understanding and pretty embarrassed if my 9yo had driven you to such action. I would expect WAY better from my 9yo than that, especially in someone else's care.
post #43 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiromamma View Post
Maybe a little OT...but I don't get the use of a leash with any age child. Doesn't it kind of run counter to the MDC gentle discipline thing?
I've also witnessed parents with those things inflicting whiplash injuries on their kids when they yank them back.
I've seen people inflict blackeyes on others with their hands, but that doesn't make hands abusive. It's all in how you use 'em

FWIW I always thought leashes were abusive before I had kids. Going alone to a crowded public place with two young toddlers changed my mind. It was literally a choice between staying in the house all day (we lived in a major city with no yard) or keeping them screaming in the stroller when all they wanted to do was walk. A 12 month old and a 21 month old (both boys, one with ADHD) are very small and fast and portable...in addition to the benefits listed by other posters I also saw it as another safegaurd against someone grabbing them and running off. We had many fun outings that would not otherwise have happened without the kid-leashes. Pre-kid me would have said "just tell them to follow you and put them in time out if they don't" Cuz we all know 1 year olds are super obedient.
post #44 of 87
Quote:
Cuz we all know 1 year olds are super obedient.
The annoying thing is that SOME of them are! I can remember when DD was about 18months and my friend visited with her baby and 2yo and her eldest stuck to her like GLUE and she said to me "oh, you're constantly holding her hand and talking to her - i just ignore mine and she knows to stick close". We were in a large park so i let go of DD's hand. She ran. When she hit the 300yards from us and still not glanced back mark my friend was like "oh. wow!" and i sprinted after her to bring her back. I have had so much "advice" from people on how if i just let her be she will learn to stick by me, and i have had 3 falls down stone stairs and one near-car-accident (with kid in road and car screeching to a stop) on the 4 occasions i have relented my normal position and tried it.
post #45 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
BUT this harness was given to control a child who runs away and lacks the maturity to stay close when asked. That is EXACTLY the way it was used. It might not have been the intended child, but it was definitely the intended use.

OP - i would have been understanding and pretty embarrassed if my 9yo had driven you to such action. I would expect WAY better from my 9yo than that, especially in someone else's care.
I agree. His behavior sounds more like that of a 5 year-old or younger. 9 years is plenty old enough to understand not having enough money for ice cream, or simply accepting a "no" w/out running off and having a tantrum, barring special needs.

I have never used a harness, so no experience there, but perhaps in this situation the OP is pretty lucky she had one.
post #46 of 87
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.

Some of y'all have your children's ages in your sig or post, but many don't. There's a big difference between 6 and 9 for example. I have one of each and though my 6 year old would actually be less likely to run off than my 9 yr old I can come closer to seeing how someone could think it was a good idea to use a harness on a particularly exuberant 6 yr old (not that I agree with that either necessarily, but I could see it in certain circumstances). I really can't imagine ANY circumstance where the 9 year old is not special needs that a harness would be appropriate for walking down the street.

Do any of you other parents of 9 and up view it as appropriate in some circumstances?
post #47 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.

Do any of you other parents of 9 and up view it as appropriate in some circumstances?
My oldest is almost 8 and I would never use a harness on him. I do have a 9 year old nephew (non-special needs) who can throw an amazing tantrum. He's also very big for his age. I still wouldn't use a harness if he was in my care.
post #48 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.

Some of y'all have your children's ages in your sig or post, but many don't. There's a big difference between 6 and 9 for example. I have one of each and though my 6 year old would actually be less likely to run off than my 9 yr old I can come closer to seeing how someone could think it was a good idea to use a harness on a particularly exuberant 6 yr old (not that I agree with that either necessarily, but I could see it in certain circumstances). I really can't imagine ANY circumstance where the 9 year old is not special needs that a harness would be appropriate for walking down the street.

Do any of you other parents of 9 and up view it as appropriate in some circumstances?
I've got a 5 and a 9...and I know that beanma will laugh at the thought of *my* 5 year old running off....but I completely agree here. If for some reason my 5 year old ran off and I couldn't contain her, not that I would, but I could see the possibility of using some sort of restraint in an emergency.

My 9 year old? Not in a hundred thousand years. And if someone else did, honestly, I wouldn't have to restrict access to her in the future, because there's no way on this green earth that she'd consent to be alone with them.
post #49 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.

Some of y'all have your children's ages in your sig or post, but many don't. ?

I would not be at all happy that my sister did that to my son.... But, I ASSURE you that if my nine year old behaved like that, he would have bigger problems than a harness.

It's not OK to harness a normal non special needs child. But, it is absolutely not OK for my nine year old to run off, be rude, or demand icecream. I can promise, that my own child would not act that way in the first place because it's not ever acceptable.

PLUS, I think a nine year old is capable of running ahead anyway. (not in a little tizzy fit, though) but, if my nine year old knows where to go, he or she can run ahead. I wouldn't chase them down. I wouldn't expect a nine year old to stay right next to me like that. In a mall maybe... but only because I don't want to have to spend my time looking for her.. but, on the street, "i'll see ya when I get there"
post #50 of 87
I have a 6 and 10 YO. Even on my 6 YO I would never use a harness, though I think they can be appropriate for some toddlers in some situations. At 9, DS was 100 pounds and showing the signs of beginning puberty. Not only would I not every consider using a harness on him but I would not expect him to stay that close to me on a reasonable suburban street, even at night.

I can't imagine what it would take to even get it on a child of that age, and I guess that's what I'm imagining and responding too so strongly -- a struggle and a complete violation of a child's bodily integrity. I mean, we tell our kids that no one has the right to touch them without permission and there is just no way that I can see this being accomplished without a violation of that. I don't even think forcing a child of that age to hold hands when they are unwilling would be appropriate for the same reason. So yeah, I see this as being violated by an adult he should be able to trust.
post #51 of 87
Quote:
Finally, the child wouldn't have been running to his place -- he would have been running to mine. I'm not sure whether I should trust that he'd get there on his own.
It's hard to say. If he'd only been there a half dozen times most likely not. However it would have been a good time to follow close enough behind him(10 feet or more) & verbally direct him if he was going the wrong way. Most likely if he got to a spot where he wouldn't have known which way to go(or to a street corner) he would have stopped and waited for you.

Quote:
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.

Some of y'all have your children's ages in your sig or post, but many don't. There's a big difference between 6 and 9 for example. I have one of each and though my 6 year old would actually be less likely to run off than my 9 yr old I can come closer to seeing how someone could think it was a good idea to use a harness on a particularly exuberant 6 yr old (not that I agree with that either necessarily, but I could see it in certain circumstances). I really can't imagine ANY circumstance where the 9 year old is not special needs that a harness would be appropriate for walking down the street.

Do any of you other parents of 9 and up view it as appropriate in some circumstances?
I have an 11yo, almost 9yo & almost 8yo. I would not have used a harness on any of them at this age. I did use one on my oldest twice when she was 2.5.

I work with a severely non-verbal autistic boy(8yo) who sort of runs away, it's more of a hopping skipping move that's not to purposely run away but he's excited about something. He also eats anything(dirt, rocks, grass, snow, things that he thinks look like food like fun tac, playdough, baby wipes). I wouldn't use one on him either.
post #52 of 87
I'd ask your sister what she would expect you to do in that situation. My nephews are older now, but when they were 9, they would have run away and did in a heartbeat, and did often. If we were somewhere, I'd tell them "Ok, I guess it's time to go home because we seem to have trouble remembering the no running away rules today." But, you were already on your way back. I love my nephews but they have always been bratty because no discipline is enforced consistently for them. And if I had a penny for every time someone threatened them with "This is the last time we go to the park, the zoo, the whatever." That does NOT work! Unless you are seriously going to follow up on it and NEVER again go with them to the park. And in doing that you're punishing the other kid because the whole point is for you to watch both of you, and you can't take one and leave the other.
I think the most important thing is that you kept them both safe. My feeling is that there's some discipline missing if a 9 year old runs away because he's not getting his way. Since you only are in charge of them once a month or so, it's hard to build up a repertoire of what to do in every situation. I think you should ask your sister about ideas of what you could've done. And have a conversation with your nephew about how it's unacceptable behavior to ever do that.
post #53 of 87
This thread reminds me of the literature about the use of restraints on adult hospital patients. Patients were tied up in bed or in chairs - purportedly for their own good. At one time, they were fairly commonly employed to prevent falls and other injuries. They fell out of favour though. It was realized that the restraints created feelings of rage and frustration and fear that actually increased agitation and resulted in dangerous reactions. The patients fought against the restraints and injured themselves.

I am having great trouble imagining a situation where I would use restraints on a 9 y.o. just because he was unhappy and behaving poorly. Running ahead isn't necessarily a dangerous situation, at least not for a tween. I am not comfortable with the idea of forcing him into a harness to physically impose control. Perhaps it was the only safe option - since I wasn't there, I'm not in a position to judge. I will say that I have never been in a situation where I would resort to using restraints on a 9 y.o. and I've worked with and supervised a lot of 9 y.o's.
post #54 of 87
My son is almost 14.

How did you get a harness on a 9 year old boy while he threw a tantrum? I am seriously asking, because this might be the first discipline post I've ever read here that has me logistically stumped! I can't consider the degree of appropriateness without picturing the situation in my head, and I can't picture this. How did it work? Did you tackle him to the ground? Sit on him?
post #55 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
My son is almost 14.

How did you get a harness on a 9 year old boy while he threw a tantrum? I am seriously asking, because this might be the first discipline post I've ever read here that has me logistically stumped! I can't consider the degree of appropriateness without picturing the situation in my head, and I can't picture this. How did it work? Did you tackle him to the ground? Sit on him?
Good point. Is the harness one of those backpack monkey things? That would be a pain in the butt to put on a tantraming 9 y/o. If he stood still, I wonder if he wanted to wear it, maybe trying to embarass you..that's one smart cookie
post #56 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.


Do any of you other parents of 9 and up view it as appropriate in some circumstances?
This is exactly what I was about to post. I suspect that people who posted that putting a harness on a neurotypical 9 yr. old do not know too many 9 yr. olds, not well anyway.
post #57 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post
Running ahead isn't necessarily a dangerous situation, at least not for a tween.
Good point. I assumed it seemed dangerous because the OP thought a harness was necessary, but it occurs to me I'm projecting based on my experiences with kids who do dart not on my experiences with 9+ year olds. I think because I can't imagine any of the kids over 9 I know running off.
post #58 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by doulatara View Post
This is exactly what I was about to post. I suspect that people who posted that putting a harness on a neurotypical 9 yr. old do not know too many 9 yr. olds, not well anyway.
LOL.. the closest thing I know to a 9 y/o is my own memories of being 9
post #59 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
My son is almost 14.

How did you get a harness on a 9 year old boy while he threw a tantrum? I am seriously asking, because this might be the first discipline post I've ever read here that has me logistically stumped! I can't consider the degree of appropriateness without picturing the situation in my head, and I can't picture this. How did it work? Did you tackle him to the ground? Sit on him?
I wondered the same things. I also wondered where the 3 y.o. was while all this was going on. If the 3 y.o. NEEDS the harness, then wasn't she running off while getting the restraints on the 9 y.o.? How did that work? And if she wasn't running off - then does she really need them?

OP, it sounds like the whole situation was too overwhelming for you to control without using physical force on the 9 y.o. You may want to reconsider being alone with them again.
post #60 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I'd like to know how many parents who have a 9 yr old child (or have at one time had a 9 yr old) think using a harness is okay under any circumstances with a neurotypical (non-special needs) child.

Some of y'all have your children's ages in your sig or post, but many don't. There's a big difference between 6 and 9 for example. I have one of each and though my 6 year old would actually be less likely to run off than my 9 yr old I can come closer to seeing how someone could think it was a good idea to use a harness on a particularly exuberant 6 yr old (not that I agree with that either necessarily, but I could see it in certain circumstances). I really can't imagine ANY circumstance where the 9 year old is not special needs that a harness would be appropriate for walking down the street.

Do any of you other parents of 9 and up view it as appropriate in some circumstances?
I have a nine year old, and if it was a safety issue, I would have no issues using a harness. I'm sure to get flamed for saying that, but if my daughter was he** bent on running down a dark, busy street away from me and the only method I had to keep her close was a harness, I'd use it. JUST in that situation. Of course, that would be extremely strange behavior for my daughter, so I'd probably have to sit down and have a long talk with her, but safety speaking, I'd rather have an upset and embarrassed kid than a dead or missing kid. Just to clarify, I don't think it's a method that should ever be used regularly on typical children, I'm just saying I can think of circumstances where I'd rather use it than not.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Did I overreact?