Letting a nanny go?

[Rosehip]

For those who have done this - how did you handle it? I am letting our nanny of two years go. I have someone new lined up to start in about 3 weeks.

There are several problems that I have tried to work on (and spent significant amounts of money trying to address) to no avail.

I don't know how she'll react, but I assume she'll be upset. It is complicated by the fact that her sister is my mom's cleaning lady, and will almost certainly be angry about this.

I'd like to hear how others approach this. Thanks!

[MamaChicken]

I'm curious as well. Our nanny of a year is just not working out and I have someone else who is a much better fit. If I figure it out first I'll let you know what I did!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think some of this may be influenced by how old your child is. If he or she is very young (young enough that you wouldn't know if the days were going badly), then you might want to give a very limited amount of notice and pay a severance check to minimize the risk that she might take her anger out on your child. If the child is older and will need the transtion time, and can tell you if things are going down hill fast, then I would provide 2 weeks notice and allow her to work those two weeks. Of course, you will need to have a backup plan in place in case she says "Fine. I won't be coming back tomorrow".

As for how, remember that this is a business relationship, but one you want to end on friendly terms for your child's sake. I had it easy when I let our last nanny go since I had been laid off and could honestly say "I'm so sorry, but we won't need you anymore because I won't be working". In your case, I think something like "I'm very sorry but this isn't working out as well as I had hoped and I have found someone who I believe will be a better fit for our family. I would like X date to be your last day." Short, simple, to the point, calm, businesslike.

If it was honestly an issue of fit and you could recommend her in different circumstances, then say you will be happy to provide a reference for her next family. If you wouldn't recommend her to anyone, then don't say anything. If she asks, then say you think it might be better for her not to list you.

This is hard -- I've had to let several employees go over the years and it is always really uncomfortable.

[Rosehip]

Thanks Evan & Anna's mom. Now that you point it out, the whole backup plan business does present a challenge to me. While I would be a little surprised if she just said she's not coming back, I couldn't swear it won't be an issue. My mom has health issues that preclude her from doing full days of childcare herself, and if I miss my clinical rotations for two weeks, I'll fail the class. Sigh.

I think what may well happen is that two weeks of justifications will ensue (for instance, that she's learning to drive - it's been a year since I told her she'd need to learn b/c we moved, and I've spent about $300 in lessons, she's failed one test, had an accident while driving alone w/only a permit, and continues to drive alone w/only a permit) which will be unpleasant, but hardly dangerous.

The kids are 3 & 5. They're going to be upset. I'm so torn about this. It feels so awful to just fire someone on the spot, but it seems somewhat risky to give notice.

[monkey-lamb]

Regarding the driving, if she has failed one test and been in an accident, I wouldn't want my kids in the car with her even if she manages to pass the test eventually. If driving is part of the job, then her record is enough to let her go in my opinion.

I don't think you should have her work out two weeks notice. Have you ever been laid off or quit with two weeks notice? If so, you might remember how you felt about the job during those last two weeks. While you hope this nanny is professional and will continue to do her job well, these are your children at stake and I wouldn't take the risk that she might do a haphazard job those last weeks.

When we let our nanny go, we paid her two weeks severance, got back our house key, and she never stepped another foot into the house. We had a laundry list of issues, but at the end of the day it didn't benefit anyone to try and go into them. She would have just gotten defensive over each of our complaints. In fact, she got defensive when we tried to address the issues as they occurred. We didn't go into too much detail. We simply told her it wasn't working out and we didn't feel that she was committed to the job.

Now, I will tell you that I cried when we did it. I liked the nanny, and I felt sad that she would never see my daughter again because I did believe she loved her. But I did what I had to do. The new nanny, who has been with us for a year now, is a million times better for us than the one we let go. It all worked out great in the end. Good luck!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

For the kids sake, you need to make sure they have a chance to say goodbye. This is where the timing gets tricky. You can't expect them to keep your plans a secret from nanny. You can't be sure that nanny will handle a goodbye well in the face of just being told. Thus my thought that you should give at least a couple of days for the nanny to wrap up her relationship with the children.

Did you read "Nanny Diary"? Didn't it just kill you when they fired the nanny and she had to walk away while the little boy was crying for her upstairs? To me, that is what you want to avoid. For a younger child, I might have a different priority, but for children who are old enough to have an invididual relationship with the caregiver, remember her when she is gone, and ask for her for the next few weeks, I think there needs to be a way to ease the transition.

So far all of our nannies have left either due to economic changes or by their choice. We haven't had a problem with the last few days, even when we let nanny go due to my being downsized. And we have been able to have them come back as occassional sitters when needed, and that really helped the kids transition.

[therdogg]

I have worked as a nanny. I disagree with the idea of giving any time for the nanny to conclude her relationship with the children. She is being fired-- this is simply not working out amicably and it is silly to pretend it is.

It's different if the nanny is leaving to go to grad school, or the family is moving and the nanny is awesome, etc. Then, you have long, emotional, drawn-out goodbyes and cards and last outings and pictures taken and memory books etc. Here, the situation is that you are uncomfortable with the nanny watching your children. I would have the children out of the house when she comes over, matter-of-factly fire her, pay her whatever she is owed, collect your house key, and have her leave. No goodbyes-- how can she say goodbye in the wake of you firing her without you being "the bad guy?"

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by therdogg

I have worked as a nanny. I disagree with the idea of giving any time for the nanny to conclude her relationship with the children. She is being fired-- this is simply not working out amicably and it is silly to pretend it is.

It's different if the nanny is leaving to go to grad school, or the family is moving and the nanny is awesome, etc. Then, you have long, emotional, drawn-out goodbyes and cards and last outings and pictures taken and memory books etc. Here, the situation is that you are uncomfortable with the nanny watching your children. I would have the children out of the house when she comes over, matter-of-factly fire her, pay her whatever she is owed, collect your house key, and have her leave. No goodbyes-- how can she say goodbye in the wake of you firing her without you being "the bad guy?"

I have done this, and in one case, oddly enough, her niece was the cleaning lady of our neighbor, so there you go.

We just said to her "We're ever so sorry, Francisca, but we won't be needing your services anymore. I'll need the keys back now and here is your pay to the end of the week." (she had only been working for us for a month or so, in your case you might consider two weeks severance) She asked us why, and I wanted to be honest but DH chickend out and this is what happened:

She said "Why? Are you unhappy with my work?" (the truth was, yes, VERY) but Dh said "No, no it's just I won't be working out of the house anymore and we don't need you." She believed him, sort of...

The next day when the new nanny/housekeeper started, Francisca stopped by the house to check up on the situation and then she called dh in a RAGE and threatened to have her family come and do horrible things to us. She started sobbing about how much she loved our child like her own son, etc etc...BAD SCENE!!!

We had to notify DS's school not to ever let this woman pick him up (she had been on the list) and that if they saw her they were to immediately call us.

Nothing came of it, but I was REALLY scared. I saw her once a few months ago and she was smiles and scting like none of that had ever happened and I was all...

My advice, be as blunt and direct as you possibly can; we won't be needing your services. Yes it IS because we are unhappy with your work. We just don't feel you are the right fit for us."

If she doesn't have your keys she can even be told over the phone and you can arrange a neutral meeting area to exchange final payment. If she HAS your keys, either wait until she is there (so she can't make copies) or just change the locks and do it over the phone.

Do NOT give her notice. She is not being laid off, she is being fired for doing a bad job...she's hardly going to get BETTER after being fired, is she?

I have also ended relationships with nannies because we were leaving or they were starting University, and when we left we gave them severance and lots of warning so they had time with ds to hang out and say goodbye.

[hakeber]

Also FWIW, ds (age four) asked for Francisca twice after we fired her and now he is in love with nanny number two, because Francisca was not a good nanny and Dilicia (apart from the fact that she refuses to sweep out cobwebs) is the most awesome nanny/housekeeper we have ever had!

Kids are resillient, and what's more they can tell when a nanny is worth their salt even more than we can and they would likely prefer a nanny that does her job and likes it over a nanny that buys their love with sweets and lies.