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Making friends

post #1 of 32
2/15/10 at 3:39pm
Thread Starter 
I feel like such a child...and I don't find it fun either. How do you mamas make friends? Have any of you experienced a move and left everyone behind? Any introverts trying to make friends? How do you do it, what do you do, where do you go? This is as much fun as dating and I didn't like that either. Highschool made it easy, everyone was stuck in the same place, same with college. But now as a SAHM, where am I suppose to meet friends? The grocery store?? "ah yeah the tomatoes are looking spotty, hey did you try the new cereal, what do you think of the cashier on aisle 3 lol

That sounds so sad, I am not a sad person. I sound desperate and pitiful...I hate how this all sounds but honestly I think I need help, give me a clue!

So tell me where do you go (I don't want to stalk you, just need ideas lol)? What do you do? Is it easy for you to make friends? Do you mamas have friends?

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post #2 of 32
2/15/10 at 3:50pm
meetup groups? neighborhood moms groups? classes for kids?

*sigh* we're looking too...
post #3 of 32
2/15/10 at 4:05pm
It's hard.

I joined a playgroup that was organized by a mother's club in my town. I didn't make any BFFs there, but it's something I still go to every week, and everyone's really nice, and we do things outside of playgroup sometimes. And it's nice to know people in town and run into them and chat for a few minutes.

I made some really good friends at a Gymboree class. Try some parent/child classes.

I started volunteering with the Friends of the Library, which helps do fundraisers. They meet once a month in the evening, so I leave the kids with DH. Again, no BFFs but the same situation as the playgroup. Call your town or city hall and ask if they have volunteer committees you can sit on.

I think the important thing to remember is that pretty much everyone is in the same boat you are. Even people who grew up in town and are now settled down with families: when one friend has 2 kids and the other is still single, they're living such different lives that friendships can fade. So my theory is that if you're in doubt, be proactive. If a woman looking at tomatoes at the grocery store has a kid with her the same age as yours, strike up a conversation. You never know where you'll find likeminded people.
post #4 of 32
2/15/10 at 4:14pm
Oh, Mama, those early days can be especially hard, I think. We were in a new state when I delivered DS1 and it took a while to make some new friends. Here are some suggestions... Mothering meet-up or yahoo groups, your local tribe on MDC, the playground, the library- (one of my favorites), a baby class, if that sounds interesting to you. LLL. Swimming, music, etc. It can take time, but be patient with yourself. I am not by nature especially social but have had to learn to be much more outgoing in order to keep myself happy.

I've also been reminded that there are different kinds of friends. Some more casual/social, and then the few close ones you will carry with you forever. I try to keep a very open mind when meeting new people, leaving (most) judgment at the door. Kind and loving are musts for me, other things, not so important. I've met very "AP" Mamas who I did not find especially kind, and more mainstream mamas who adored their kids and are very loving people.

Good luck!
post #5 of 32
2/15/10 at 4:21pm
My husband is in the military so we move a lot. I look up MOMS Club when we move to a new city. I've made some good friends there and my kids get to play with other kids. Check meetup.com and see if there are any moms or playgroups in your area. I'm an introvert, but do like getting out of the house with small groups of people, so MOMS Club is a good fit for me.
post #6 of 32
2/15/10 at 5:53pm
These are all great ideas! And definitely don't overlook the parks in your town. Most of the mamas I have met, I just took a deep breath and introduced myself and started a conversation with.
post #7 of 32
2/15/10 at 6:02pm
My husband is in the military so we move every 3-4 years. This has been a tougher assignment for me since we got here in the summer and we aren't living on a base with a built in population of military spouses to network with.

Anyway, it has been surprisingly great in that I have been forced to socialize outside of regularly set up "mixers" (which were never my thing to begin with.) I joined a local group on meetup.com and that was a good connection. It took a lot of courage for me to go attend events where I didn't know anyone, but it's actually been easier to meet folks than it was before I had DD because she is a built in ice-breaker. I also joined a community mom group and never turned down an invitation to do something for the first 6 months that we were here. Classes are great as well. Check your local library for free mom/tot programs. Attend concerts, hit the local walking trails, go to the local playground almost every day when the weather warms up a bit and strike up conversations with familiar faces.

I have found that, contrary to my personality, I need to be a little aggressive to get things going. I had to give those new moms I met at the park a call to say, "let's get together today at..." and be specific and sometimes try a second time. Eventually, those moms invited DD and I to be in their playgroup.

I totally know where you are coming from. It is like dating and it is a struggle, but you will connect
post #8 of 32
2/15/10 at 7:37pm
I've met moms by finding groups like Holistic Moms and Attachment Parenting, Babywearing groups and Diaperfree Baby that met in my area. Hung out at our Farmers Market etc, post here, announce meetings/events that I think people might be interested in.
I've also been willing to drive a bit to meet up with likeminded groups (before I moved I'd take the T or drive about 30 -45 minutes for babywearing and/or the diaperfree meetings). I'd try REALLY hard to get to the monthly LLL meetings and ask the leaders for how the parents could connect. Luckily I met a mom there one day who I'd seen at the DFB meeting the night before and we realized we lived in the same town. So she connected me with a playgroup. When we moved I was very lucky that one of those moms grew up in this area and connected me to someone here.

It is still hard to develop friendships after meeting people... I find this more so with 2 kids, it is just hard to figure out how mutliple schedules, personalties and naptimes are all going to work- even when you are trying to make friends it seems hard to get things to happen.
ok, kids are attacking me... need to go....

Jessica
post #9 of 32
2/15/10 at 8:22pm
well it doesn't help when you're EC'ing (noticed in your signature). Kind of isolates you a bit...it did for me anyways. I was like hiding my baby away from other parents when I was out so they wouldn't see me take my 2 mo old babies pants off so she could pee...lolz.

I go to two storytimes a week, and have friends from church. You could start by signing up to your library's storytime. Any common interest seems to get women talking.
post #10 of 32
2/15/10 at 9:20pm
I was/am going through this, we moved here from NJ a year and a half ago and had a 6 month old, so I was a new mom, pretty crunchy and in a new place. I tried for a year to make friends at the gym, but this tended to go only so far once they found out I still nursed my daughter -now 2, and I still nurse her twice a day. Now I am pregnant again and we will be having this baby at home, another strike against me in conventional mommyville.

I joined these boards and posted in this forum about a month ago. So far I have met three wonderful mommies and their kids- and still waiting to meet one more. One of the ladies lives right on my street! Another in the same town. It's been great so far.

Where are you specifically located? I would post a thread about your specific area and see who responds!
post #11 of 32
2/15/10 at 10:32pm
LOL, I agree a little with EC'ing, I might do different things depending on who I was with, but most of the time people never notice or were curious.
For my 2nd I'd already done it once and I was a little more ready to deal with anyone making comments... or asking questions.
FWIW, my very mainstream cousin and I had babies at the same time (her first, my 2nd) and I timidly mentioned that I ec'ed mine expecting her to not have a clue. Turns out one of her friends was ec'ing. She didn't bat an eye- wasn't interested for herself, but it didn't phaze her that I was.

Cheryl- that's awesome that you have found so many so close!

Jessica
post #12 of 32
2/16/10 at 12:35am
Thread Starter 
as far as the ECing it doesn't really effect things...I am not religious about it, and it might not be as effective my way, but it works for us right now. I take her diaper off around the house and take her to the bathroom when at home. Otherwise we diaper. In the past few months I can count the number of poopy diapers on one hand. So in that sense it works for us. I don't know if she will "potty train" faster, but her bottom looks 100 times better.

I am going to go to the library and the local wellness center has a lot of classes from what I have heard. So hopefully something will come out of that. I am such an introvert that when I get to the classes I wish I could just melt into the floor. I am awful at starting conversations...I have to do it though...the fear is so silly, like what am I afraid of???
post #13 of 32
2/16/10 at 10:42am
I've met some local moms through mdc.

I also googled my town along with the words moms group or mother's group.
I joined the groups and am slowly developing new friendships. It's a very slow process. Completely unlike making friends as a child.
post #14 of 32
2/16/10 at 11:51am
well, I totally understand. You have to put yourself out there, and risk getting rejected, it's just like any other kind of similar situation. We all have insecurities and fears about being rejected. I really felt weird posting here myself, like begging for friends or advertising that I can't seem to make friends on my own. But hey, we all have to go through that when we move.

And while I personally can be friends with all sorts of types of people, the truth is most conventional parents don't really want to socialize too much with super crunchy families. Even if you don't judge them, they think you do, or they just feel insecure anyway. Especially if you do EC even part time. Most people don't even know what that is.

good luck! I'm in Raynham, not sure where you are, but I'm sure lots of people would love to know you!
post #15 of 32
2/16/10 at 3:04pm
I agree with what Cheryl says about there being a bit of a prejudice sometimes against more "crunchy" or "AP" mamas. While I probably fall at the conservative end of the AP spectrum, I still nurse DD (20 months) and don't know when we'll wean, still wear DD when she'll allow it, and do several other things that other moms might consider a little strange (I know my sister does and we're great friends.) I have found though that things like continuing to nurse don't really come up and that lots of moms nowadays are into nutrition and toy safety issues (maybe not to the same extent as I am, but it certainly isn't seen as strange by most of the moms I've met. The playgroup I belong to seems to just see me as a bit quirky about some stuff, but it hasn't inhibited our relationships. I just have a good sense of humor and take the gentle ribbing as affectionate, not insulting. Actually, I don't think I have any AP mom friends IRL. It might be nice to have a couple, I suppose but I often feel more self-conscious around other AP moms because I feel like I am not AP enough. How's that for self-esteem issues?
post #16 of 32
2/16/10 at 10:15pm
Thread Starter 
corrieoseal-I often feel that most AP moms are more AP than I. However, my mainstream friends probably think I am crazy when I tell them stories. They don't see it since they live far away so I am sure they think I am off the deep end. Ah well, it works for us. Sophia sleeps in her crib for naps and plays on the floor alone. At the same time there are other things I do that are more AP.

I would never judge another mama, sometimes I feel the desire to stop and educate people, but I never judge. (oh and I don't actually stop them I just want to) Like the other day I saw someone with a Bjorn carrier, I too have one, and when I found out how bad they were I was bummed. Now I LOVE my Ergo...ok sorry so off topic. Anyhow, I think sometimes the crunchy mamas scare me more than the mainstream mamas. That is weird, but for some reason, I feel inadaquate around AP mamas. I mean so many are vegatarian...I love meat, I love tofu too, but I love meat. I just met someone that is crunchy and I want to try and hang out...do you think she will drink coffee/tea? Go to starbucks? Go eat some where? What if she is only into raw diets or is vegan, will I gross her out? What are bad topics? I don't want her to dislike me...I don't care what she is about as long as she loves her children and treats them like gold, is an honest, kind person...but I worry about the silliest things!
post #17 of 32
2/16/10 at 11:41pm
mmm...Starbucks. Gimme a vanilla latte! Full fat!

Please don't talk about meat... I'm trying to kick my obsession with cheeseburgers from Met Bar & Grille (Natick Collection.)
(I fell off the vegetarian wagon)
post #18 of 32
2/16/10 at 11:50pm
I have no friends who are as "crunchy" as I am, yet I feel so UN-crunchy it's insane. I wanted for so long to meet some mothers like me, kind of in the middle. People who could understand cloth diapers, and maybe used them too. People who didn't scoff at GD but could help me with it. Because I suck at it. But I'm trying. Or I try. Anyway, I finally met someone like that or so I thought and we didn't really click. It didn't work out! So I did feel like it was a "dating" situation and when that ended I was back where I started. I have some friends who I adore, but they all came from high school, I can't actually remember what it was like to meet a new person and befriend them. I'm not all alone but when it comes to making friends, new friends, I'm totally at a loss.
post #19 of 32
2/17/10 at 12:59am
i struggle with this too.
post #20 of 32
2/17/10 at 2:45pm
Sugarpop- If she doesn't drink coffee or at least tea, that's a dealbreaker. (LOL, totally kidding.) I am the same way about things. I totally don't judge as long as the parent seems to love and care for their child. But it is so frustrating because some folks seem to anticipate that I will judge them if they find out that I do some AP stuff. And I really don't care how they parent, it is about what works for my family. Sigh. I can't imagine that you would gross her out by being yourself...and if you do, then obviously she is too judgmental to sustain friendships anyway. If you lived out on the Cape, I'd invite you out for coffee and we could talk about eating organic meat and cooking with tofu and what color Ergos we have.

Eli's mama- Hugs! It is totally a dating world out there. And I sometimes feel like all of the good mommy friends are already taken.

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