How am I supposed to HS when they won't stop fighting?!

[dubatatamama]

I have 2 precious, darling little blessings (can you hear me saying that through gritted teeth?) that are just turned 4 and about to turn 3. I am having a rough time right now and maybe it's just their ages, but I am wondering how I am supposed to HS them when the official time comes when I feel like they are constantly fighting? DH and I do not model that behavior, so is it just their personalities, their ages, the fact that it is the dead of winter and they can't get as much exercise outside right now?? I am not talking physical fighting, just verbal. Basically pushing each other's buttons, etc. I am at my wits end with it and don't know what to do. Will it get better as they get older? They are both very verbal children, except when they are fighting they forget how to use words and just SHRIEK!!! I know I am rambling, but I just don't know how to help this! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[MamaMonica]

They're still so young. Things change as they get older. But all kids do fight, or at least all of them I've ever met. It gets easier to handle when they are older and can do more independently. So hang in there!!!

[RiverSky]

Of course things change as chidren get older. I'm sure it feels like they will be like this always, but it's not even close to true.

Personally, I would stop worrying about homeschool and start focusing on setting up activities for your children. How often do you leave the house a week? Do you go to story time at the library? Are you in a moms club or homeschool group for playdates, craft days, sports days, museum days, etc? Do you have a community center you can go to, or an open gym day, or a My Gym or Gymboree you can take your children to, or a free play area at your local mall, or friends who can come over and invite you to their home, so that your children get a change of scenery and some exercise to tucker them out and give them less time and energy to focus on fighting with each other?

What do you do when your children say mean things to each other? I don't think I've ever seen a 4 or 3 year old do that without modeling, so I'm wondering where they learned that behavior or if it's more minor than what you make it sound like. Whenever my children say something unkind to each other, or someone else, I remind them that it's not kind to say such thing and suggest better ways to phrase or deal with what they may be feeling.

Good luck.

[dubatatamama]

Thanks MamaMonica!!

Riversky: Wow, OK...so it is definitely not a case of not having enough to do, or "setting up activities" for my children. We are part of a preschool HS co-op once a week, we go to storytime at the library, play at the library on non-storytime days, have playdates with friends, and do multiple crafts/games/activities at home. When it is warmer out, we are at the playground, beach, or zoo every day of the week. I think most moms would agree, it is harder to get the same type of exercise in the winter as you do in the summer.

As far as them fighting, I did not mean that they call each other names or say mean things. It is actually just them shrieking at each other and forgetting to use their words as we have modeled. DH and I do not shriek at each other, so I don't think they are learning it from us. When they do start fighting, we give it a minute to see if they can work it out, then if they can't resolve it, we step in and ask them to use their words. We give timeouts when there is an obvious indiscretion by one or both parties and separate them (one upstairs in their room, one downstairs) if needed. I guess I was just looking for a been there, done that and it gets better...not that I was exaggerating my situation or modeling bad behavior for my children.

[VisionaryMom]

Mine are 3 and 5, and we go through those days. If they're getting enough time with others (but not too much - this is a trigger for my DS), then I've started separating them. I'll either ask one of them to come help me (usually DD because DS is trying to build with legos or something and DD is "messing up my concentration." Other times I've tried to set them up with different activities in different rooms. Our living room/dining room/kitchen area is open, but they're physically apart enough not to fight so much. Really for mine they just need some space from each other. I think especially with ones who are so close together in age (23 months for mine), there's a parental tendency to expect them to do everything together all the time.

[*Jessica*]

Originally Posted by dubatatamama

it is definitely not a case of not having enough to do, or "setting up activities" for my children. We are part of a preschool HS co-op once a week, we go to storytime at the library, play at the library on non-storytime days, have playdates with friends, and do multiple crafts/games/activities at home. When it is warmer out, we are at the playground, beach, or zoo every day of the week. I think most moms would agree, it is harder to get the same type of exercise in the winter as you do in the summer.

That kind of schedule would have my kids overwhelmed, which in our house tends to lead to fighting like cats and dogs. Have you tried cutting back on the activities?

[dubatatamama]

Originally Posted by *Jessica*

That kind of schedule would have my kids overwhelmed, which in our house tends to lead to fighting like cats and dogs. Have you tried cutting back on the activities?

That is not our schedule every week. The only definites are Tuesday storytime and Friday Co-op. Some weeks we have playdates, etc. others we don't. My kids actually seem to get worse when we don't get out (due to illnesses, bad weather).

[CariOfOz]

Here's your BTDT reply My little ones are 8, almost 6 and 3.5 My older two PICK PICK PICK at each other just relentlessly (that face is SO me some days!) About ANYthing.... Connor builds something great with lego, Lucas (the oldest) wants it and demands SHARE!

If I'm doing table work with Lucas, connor is up in our space every 5minutes annoying/distracting etc. (yes, I've tried doing his work at the same time but that's just worse then they compete for my help ) I do math & reading with the oldest, then I do them with 5yo. Then we do science/history/handwriting together.

Add into that mix.. mister 3.5 wreaking havoc with sheer glee... and yes, some days require a glass of wine for me at the end

We DO have two standing days out, one weekly , one every other week, that the little guy is at preschool for (for sanity sake, he's not at the point yet where he can listen and follow rules about running off etc). And once a week we all go out to our favourite park. I try to spread our outings across the week fairly evenly also, so that there isn't TOO much 'cooped up' feeling going around

I will say that it IS easier than when they were 6, 4 and 1 though

[dubatatamama]

Thanks for the BTDT!! We also try to do a good mix of staying home and going out. Nice to know others are going through similar things and that it got better!

[meetoo]

I think kids fight.

My thoughts are if they aren't hurting each other, or bothering you to much leave them to it. If they are bother you send them to their own space where you don't need to listen to it. If they are hurting each other, step in. I personally believe kids need to work things out on there own (provided they are not hurting each other)

Do they have a hard time amusing themselves? If they do, then I bet their problem is boredom.

[Callimom]

Homeschoolers should never ever, ever ever, under any circumstances, make any kind of decision, or partake in any kind of analysis of how things are going or will go in February.
Really.....
Trust me on this.

[dubatatamama]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Homeschoolers should never ever, ever ever, under any circumstances, make any kind of decision, or partake in any kind of analysis of how things are going or will go in February.
Really.....
Trust me on this.

Good point! This is the worst month around here for snow, cold, and illnesses. I am not seriously considering NOT Hsing because of this, just yesterday was wondering "How the heck am I going to do this all day?"

[sierramv]

As I am reading this I am telling my 7 and 4 year old to be nice and STOP YELLING!!! UUGGHH! I also have a 1 year old. And I agree - kids just fight. Sometimes I just look at them, and am thinking "are you kidding" as they are sitting in front of a lego box full of legos and my 4 year old yelled because my 7 year old took the red brick he wanted.

Hopefully the closeness of there ages will help in the long run! Both my boys like a morning routine to get them going. We do circle and songs and story. Then when I am doing stuff with DS,7. I give DS, 4 some "work" to do at the table. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You will find a balance and schedule that works for you. It took me over a year to feel like we had a good flow to our day. I was a lot better about redirecting them when I only had one child!!hehehe! Good Luck!

[Village Mama]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Homeschoolers should never ever, ever ever, under any circumstances, make any kind of decision, or partake in any kind of analysis of how things are going or will go in February.
Really.....
Trust me on this.

lol! No joking! It has been raining here for months straight. Only a couple of nice days in months and months. And not a drizzle, but the kind of rain that soaks through your raincoats in a short time when you do go out! Cabin fever baby! Don't make any judgments on my sanity this time of the year... we are all a little owly! I always have the homeschool panic at the beginning of the schoolyear and in February.

[mykdsmomy]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Homeschoolers should never ever, ever ever, under any circumstances, make any kind of decision, or partake in any kind of analysis of how things are going or will go in February.
Really.....
Trust me on this.

AMEN! This is so true and should be in the "How to homeschool manual"

OP~ Preschoolers are difficult. They are asserting their independence, they have boundless energy and well, they're little
It WILL get better as they mature. Hang in there. It sounds like you have plenty of activities to choose from so that's awesome. I would recommend reading the book "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" by Heather Forbes. Even though it's written more specifically for children who have endured trauma or who have severe behaviors, it is truly a revolutionary way of parenting based on the stress model. In a nutshell it teaches you how to self regulate so your children will be able to self regulate. If you're not at peace, they won't be. (I am in no way suggesting that you are not at peace or need parenting help...I just know that it's something that is helping ME and our family due to my youngest son's challenges). Hang in there, mama....we're here for you

[dubatatamama]

Originally Posted by mykdsmomy

AMEN! This is so true and should be in the "How to homeschool manual"

OP~ Preschoolers are difficult. They are asserting their independence, they have boundless energy and well, they're little
It WILL get better as they mature. Hang in there. It sounds like you have plenty of activities to choose from so that's awesome. I would recommend reading the book "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" by Heather Forbes. Even though it's written more specifically for children who have endured trauma or who have severe behaviors, it is truly a revolutionary way of parenting based on the stress model. In a nutshell it teaches you how to self regulate so your children will be able to self regulate. If you're not at peace, they won't be. (I am in no way suggesting that you are not at peace or need parenting help...I just know that it's something that is helping ME and our family due to my youngest son's challenges). Hang in there, mama....we're here for you

Thank you so much!! I will check and see if my library has this book!

[meetoo]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Homeschoolers should never ever, ever ever, under any circumstances, make any kind of decision, or partake in any kind of analysis of how things are going or will go in February.
Really.....
Trust me on this.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Homeschoolers should never ever, ever ever, under any circumstances, make any kind of decision, or partake in any kind of analysis of how things are going or will go in February.
Really.....
Trust me on this.

I totally agree! Believe it or not, that one actually holds true here in 'sunny Australia' as well... at leas Queensland. This is the tropics... and Feb is about the hottest, stickiest, AWFULEST month of the whole year here. NOBODY wants to be outside (except in the evening) so most of our activities are inside at home, or we arrange things in places with air conditioning. Not being able to get OUTside really makes the blah's set in!

[Savoir Faire]

Mine are four and five (18 months apart) and I totally get you. Sometimes, I'd probably tell you to sell one of them...but not all the time

Anyway, do you have boys/girls or both? I have one of each and I know a lot of our problems stem from just how they play differently.

Sometimes we have reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal bad days where there is constant hitting, name calling, screaming, screeching-- you name it.

One of my children was prone to lashing out with her hands-- and my son now has a scar on the side of his nose from it (I forgot to trim nails). Bleh. Luckily, that's over with.

Here are two things that helped us: Cutting back on tv/dvds-- MAJORLY. No waking up and turning it on, that's for sure. I find they are much more willing to play with each other nicely when the big talking babysitter isn't on.

We've also worked on rewards and such with a dry erase board. You get a check for good behavior that we want to see modeled and an x if you aren't listening or the fights just don't stop when I've done my best.

Five checks equals a treat. It might be a popsicle or it might be a trip to the playground or whatever they decided they'd like to trade in their checks for. Five x cancels out five checks.

Oh wait. I'm off on a tangent.

Anyway...YES. You can do it. If I can do it with my two, I know you can.

[bobandjess99]

It'll be totally different when they are old enough to do school.