Not preventing - with a VERY young baby... thoughts? UPDATE!!!

[moxygirl]

It took 3 years for me to get pregnant with DS and we decided that after he was born we would just let things happen and not prevent, knowing that I may get pregnant immediately.... So I got my first PPAF at 5 1/2 weeks. I never thought it would come back that early since I was planning on ebf but that didn't happen due to latching issues leading to low supply etc. We didn't DTD that first cycle since I was waiting for my 6 week check up to see if some complications during/after delivery had resolved and then waiting for an obgyn appt to confirm that I didn't have a uterine/vaginal prolapse. So now I'm approx 11 weeks PP and, well, I suppose I could already have conceived. I don't really have a question, I'm simply curious what people's thoughts are. I'm expecting that if I am pregnant, or if people IRL find out we're not preventing, I'm going to be getting some very interesting comments....

Edited to add, since I didn't make it clear, that I don't have a prolapse and I got the go-ahead to conceive pretty much as soon as I want from my obgyn.

[alexsam]

Are you breastfeeding at all? Pg can impact supply...

[MaerynPearl]

Many women get pregnant within the first year of their child's life... some of them can end up having two children who are NOT twins but have the same birth year (for example... January and December)

personally, I would wait a few months... especially with the possibility of a prolapse... just to let the body heal up so that you don't cause irreversible damage to your body. But that's just me.

[moxygirl]

Alexsam, I'm bf... not sure what you'd call it. Part time? I offer the breast whenever he wants it but he's still supplementing every feeding with formula. I don't think my supply is that great anyway so I'm not expecting to ebf. I'm actually thinking that if I AM pregnant, after the new LO arrives, I may have enough milk again to tandem and ebf both.

MaerynPearl, that's what I thought, about waiting, but my OBGYN said it didn't matter. Surprised me too, lol.

Thanks for the input! Keep it coming.

[KristaDJ]

It's really, really unlikely that you had a period at 5weeks postpartum. Most women bleed for 4-6 weeks after birth and quite often it's on and off with it stopping completely and resuming at least once, often mimicking a period. Also your first cycles will usually be annovulatory and irregular.
My thoughts, if you feel like you should not prevent a pregnancy then make extra sure to eat well and take better care of yourself than a normal pg b/c you are depleted. Women were made to nurse after birth and not be able to conceive again for about a year (I know some of us don't go that long even with EBF) and it's best for our bodies to have that break.

[moxygirl]

Originally Posted by KristaDJ

It's really, really unlikely that you had a period at 5weeks postpartum. Most women bleed for 4-6 weeks after birth and quite often it's on and off with it stopping completely and resuming at least once, often mimicking a period. Also your first cycles will usually be annovulatory and irregular.

Krista, that's what I thought, but my midwife thought it was a menstrual period based on what I told her. And surprisingly, my first cycle was completely on track for a normal period pre-pregnancy. I suppose it could have been a fluke.

[KristaDJ]

Could have been but if you seemed to have ovulated and had another period on time then you really need to make sure that you are ready to get pg again b/c it could happen any time.

[Frisbee]

FWIW, my mom was in kind of the same situation you are - it took a couple of years and a couple of miscarriages for her to get pg with me, so not too long after I was born they started trying for a second. My brother and I are 17 mos apart. My mom has said often that she wishes we had been a little farther apart in age, for a lot of reasons (the craziness of when we were both essentially babies, but also later when she went from full nest to empty nest really quickly). Then again some people think that's ideal spacing. I know when DD was 17 mos old I thought, oh my god, my mom had a NEWBORN to deal with also?!!?

DD is 27 mos now and I'm just starting to feel like I could handle another kid. It will be so much easier to be huge and pregnant when she is more independent, doesn't need to be carried etc. Once your baby is mobile it is a whole nother ballgame.

It may be different since you are not exclusively nursing, but I found that around 6-8 mos nursing was a huge demand on my body. Like the previous posters mentioned, you might want to get through that hurdle and replenish your reserves before you conceive again.

That being said, everyone's journey is different. My neighbors have 3 kids all closer than 2 years apart and they love it.

Oh, just wanted to mention that I have a friend who has a sibling 10 mos older than she is. They were born in the same year.

[sleepingbeauty]

^that.

It's so hard having them so close in age. I know my girls will be best friends later on down the road but it is ROUGH right now. @_@ On the flip side, they are just too cute together and all of the phases are all done close together (teething for example. Ugh!!)

You have to think about what you and hubby want. If you're both good, go for it. Give your body a little time to heal though, ok? You could really hurt yourself.

[MaryLang]

OP~ I could have written your post almost word for word.
It took 3 years to conceive #1 ( well really #3, we'd had a few m/cs').
I got PPAF back at 5 1/2 weeks, and it really was AF. Conceived #2 when our first was 6mnths old, and that was totally fine with us. I didn't find it especially hard. I couldn't have been able to come to terms with the idea of trying to avoid, and then having such a hard time conceiving again. I love having them close, in fact even when they were babies, it was always fun watching them interact (still is of course).

[filiadeluna]

I got my 1st PPAF back when DD was 13 weeks old. We have been "not preventing" ever since then. We are more TTC now, but since DD isn't a year old yet, we are pretty laid back about it. I EBF'd for 6 months, and now BF with solids, and haven't managed to get pregnant so far.

[ElliesMomma]

i'll give you my thoughts. no judgement.
first off, i doubt you will tandem nurse. if your baby (current baby) is drinking from a bottle, it's unlikely that you will survive the pregnancy with any breastfeeding going on at all. the baby will wean from the breast. and it's highly unlikely that the first baby will suddenly relatch once the new baby arrives.
secondly, *i personally* don't think it's very fair to either baby to have them so close in age. neither will know what it's like to be focused on and the center of attention. also *you* will lose out on some of the joys of truly getting to know your child and spending real quality time with your child. life will be a blur of "needs done" activities.
i think that a lot of people who have kids close in age do so, so that the kids will have each other to play with. fair enough. but don't you, the parent, also want to spend some time with your child??
so, you asked for thoughts... those are my thoughts. again, no judgement. my parents had four kids in six years, and i'm 12.5 months apart from my brother. so, i know it happens! but none of us were breastfed for more than about six weeks, and *i personally* could have enjoyed a bit more attention than i got from my parents growing up. not that it was all bad, just sayin'.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

i'll give you my thoughts. no judgement.
first off, i doubt you will tandem nurse. if your baby (current baby) is drinking from a bottle, it's unlikely that you will survive the pregnancy with any breastfeeding going on at all. the baby will wean from the breast. and it's highly unlikely that the first baby will suddenly relatch once the new baby arrives.
secondly, *i personally* don't think it's very fair to either baby to have them so close in age. neither will know what it's like to be focused on and the center of attention. also *you* will lose out on some of the joys of truly getting to know your child and spending real quality time with your child. life will be a blur of "needs done" activities.
i think that a lot of people who have kids close in age do so, so that the kids will have each other to play with. fair enough. but don't you, the parent, also want to spend some time with your child??
so, you asked for thoughts... those are my thoughts. again, no judgement. my parents had four kids in six years, and i'm 12.5 months apart from my brother. so, i know it happens! but none of us were breastfed for more than about six weeks, and *i personally* could have enjoyed a bit more attention than i got from my parents growing up. not that it was all bad, just sayin'.

My kids are about 2 years apart. I couldn't imagine having them closer than that, and feel that it's very selfish to do. The older one loses out on so much attention when it's very much needed when the sibling arrives. Also, I feel that breastfeeding is the most important thing I can do for my babies, that I feel they deserve at least a year's worth of nursing (one of my children nursed past age 4, a couple past age 2, almost 3). I nursed through pregnancy & tandem nursed for almost 3years. I'm one of seven kids, all born within 10 years. My older 2 sisters are 1 year & 1 day apart. I know I could've benefited with a bit more attention (I was #3, always felt abandoned & ignored, and basically was). I do NOT want that to happen to my kids.

[moxygirl]

nak...
I'm loving all these responses. Very thought-provoking.
I edited my original post to add that I don't have a prolapse after all. I realized people were responding as if I might.

Originally Posted by MaryLang

OP~ I could have written your post almost word for word.
It took 3 years to conceive #1 ( well really #3, we'd had a few m/cs').
I got PPAF back at 5 1/2 weeks, and it really was AF. Conceived #2 when our first was 6mnths old, and that was totally fine with us. I didn't find it especially hard. I couldn't have been able to come to terms with the idea of trying to avoid, and then having such a hard time conceiving again. I love having them close, in fact even when they were babies, it was always fun watching them interact (still is of course).

Mary, this is pretty much where I'm at. On some level I'm concerned that if I'm not open to conceiving now I might regret it if I wait and then don't conceive for a long time/ever in the future.

I'm sorry for your MCs.

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

...
secondly, *i personally* don't think it's very fair to either baby to have them so close in age. neither will know what it's like to be focused on and the center of attention. also *you* will lose out on some of the joys of truly getting to know your child and spending real quality time with your child. life will be a blur of "needs done" activities.
i think that a lot of people who have kids close in age do so, so that the kids will have each other to play with. fair enough. but don't you, the parent, also want to spend some time with your child??
so, you asked for thoughts... those are my thoughts. again, no judgement. my parents had four kids in six years, and i'm 12.5 months apart from my brother. so, i know it happens! but none of us were breastfed for more than about six weeks, and *i personally* could have enjoyed a bit more attention than i got from my parents growing up. not that it was all bad, just sayin'.

ElliesMomma, thanks for your response. It really made me think.
It is one of my concerns that I won't be able to spend a lot of focused time with each child individually.
I think it's fascinating how people's thought processes are shaped by their own experience. You had siblings close in age and wished for more attention from your parents. I had the opposite situation, with a (half-)sister nearly 9 years younger than me that I didn't even really grow up with (I was raised mostly by my grandparents, long story). To this day, I miss not having had a sibling to grow up with and think I got TOO much attention from my grandmother, who raised me as if I was basically an only child. So I place a lot of importance on ensuring my DS has a chance to have that sibling relationship that I never had.
That said, it wouldn't hurt if they were further apart in age. My husband loves both his younger brothers but he's closest, friendship-wise, to the one that's 6 years younger than him, vs the one that's only 3 years younger.

The overarching reason for us not preventing is that mine and my husband's spiritual beliefs include the faith that God is the best "family planner". We believe he told us to go ahead and start ttc four years ago. And that it was his will that it took me 3 years to conceive (although sometimes it didn't/doesn't feel that way when I struggle with the fear of infertility, like in my response to Mary's post). We believe he hasn't told us to prevent, although we don't think it would necessarily be wrong if we chose to. We've decided to leave it up to him, whether I have another child in 9 months or 9 years. And that he'll supply everything we need in order to give each child everything they need at whatever time he chooses for them to be born. I know most people don't understand our beliefs in this, even other people who share our faith.

Obviously if there were grave concerns about us having another child immediately (health issues like a serious prolapse, or the inability to feed or clothe our family) we wouldn't. But I'm balancing the fact that I won't be able to spend as much individual time with each child with the hope that the time we'll have together as a family will make up for it

I look forward to reading more of your responses.

[Mosaic]

Family planning is a personal, family decision that takes into account so many factors, so you will definitely not find any judgement here.

That said, I do believe getting pregnant right away is challenging physically and emotionally. Some studies have suggested that a woman's body needs 18 months to recover from the nutrient loss of a typical pregnancy (since the baby always gets what it needs, you may be left with low nutrient stores in your bones, etc.). The result is that you may not have the same nutrients to give to a new pregnancy, which further means that physically you could have a rough time of it as well (since whatever you do manage to build up or consume will go to the baby, not to you).

Emotionally, a second baby can be difficult to wrap your head around. The time you have with your first (and only) baby is special and rare, and once you introduce another baby into the picture, it's never the same. Obviously there are pros to having 2 close in age as well; but since this is your first, I would encourage you to think about the emotional impact of another baby and pregnancy: how it will impact your relationship with Little Bird, how it may change the way you mother, etc.

In my experience anyway, life-changing events always have a way of throwing you for a loop even if you think you're 100% "ready". So I would just encourage you to think through the issue as much as possible and decide what is best for you, rather than simply leave it up to chance. Good luck!

[moxygirl]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

My kids are about 2 years apart. I couldn't imagine having them closer than that, and feel that it's very selfish to do. The older one loses out on so much attention when it's very much needed when the sibling arrives. Also, I feel that breastfeeding is the most important thing I can do for my babies, that I feel they deserve at least a year's worth of nursing (one of my children nursed past age 4, a couple past age 2, almost 3). I nursed through pregnancy & tandem nursed for almost 3years. I'm one of seven kids, all born within 10 years. My older 2 sisters are 1 year & 1 day apart. I know I could've benefited with a bit more attention (I was #3, always felt abandoned & ignored, and basically was). I do NOT want that to happen to my kids.

Molly, I missed your post while I was typing my response. Thank you. I can understand why you feel that way. I guess I can hope I wouldn't ignore any of my children, even inadvertently but I guess I can't know how they'll feel. Like I said, I know how *I* felt growing up - lonely - and how I feel now - wishing for a close sibling relationship. My sister and I are very distant. I guess I'm hoping my children will understand and be thrilled to have a sibling close in age, if that happens, though it seems like people often want the opposite of what they've experienced. Human nature I guess.

Originally Posted by Mosaic

...
In my experience anyway, life-changing events always have a way of throwing you for a loop even if you think you're 100% "ready". So I would just encourage you to think through the issue as much as possible and decide what is best for you, rather than simply leave it up to chance. Good luck!

LOL! I've realized after having Little Bird that I'm not and will never be ready for anything life changing. I thought I was ready to get pregnant (after 3 years of TTC!), to have a homebirth, to parent... Nothing could have prepared me for how earth-shatteringly life-altering it is to have a baby. I guess my choice has been to embrace the fact that I'll never be able to know the future let alone figure it out on my own. This is why I cling to my belief that God knows best.

I am seriously considering all of your posts and concerns, however, and thoughtfully evaluating my own beliefs and decisions.

I'm enjoying this discussion and never thought I'd get so many responses! I can't keep up with them all. Happily, I can type while nak and Little Bird is nursing really well this morning.

[VillageMom6]

I had four children within six years and the two youngest were (are) 14 months apart. I loved it. My fourth pregnancy and labor/birth were the easiest of them all and I attribute that to my body still being in pregnancy mode just a few months earlier.

I breastfed all of my children for at least one year, except #3 who made it to eight months (I was three months pregnant then).

After baby #4 there is a seven year break and now I have a 21mos. old and am three months pregnant.

All spacings have their pros and cons.

I really enjoyed having back-to-back babies. It was a bit like having twins but with a year's reprieve in between. They have been close since day one and they have both gotten plenty of attention from me.

Good luck to you!

[Dana_305]

I agree, it could very well have been a period. I bled for a little over 3 months postpartum, had two weeks off, then got my first postpartum period. It was right on schedule to where it would have been pre-pregnancy and I was EBF at the time. It has been consistently regular ever since.

As for spacing, that's a matter of personal choice. My youngest will be turning on at the end of March and we are already ready to actively TTC. Whatever you decide, however your kids are spaced, will end up being the perfect thing for your family. People will have comments no matter what you do, it's just a fact of life.

[moxygirl]

nak... again... Go, Little Bird, go!

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I had four children within six years and the two youngest were (are) 14 months apart. I loved it. My fourth pregnancy and labor/birth were the easiest of them all and I attribute that to my body still being in pregnancy mode just a few months earlier.

I breastfed all of my children for at least one year, except #3 who made it to eight months (I was three months pregnant then).

After baby #4 there is a seven year break and now I have a 21mos. old and am three months pregnant.

All spacings have their pros and cons.

I really enjoyed having back-to-back babies. It was a bit like having twins but with a year's reprieve in between. They have been close since day one and they have both gotten plenty of attention from me.

Good luck to you!

Thank you! Congrats on your LO on the way!

Originally Posted by Dana_305

Whatever you decide, however your kids are spaced, will end up being the perfect thing for your family. People will have comments no matter what you do, it's just a fact of life.

Thanks for this post. It's encouraging to hear of others in a similar situation. I agree, comments are to be expected since it's an area where people feel strongly. I don't mind the well-meaning ones. The ones I'm not looking forward to are of the "you DO know what causes that, don't you???" sort.
Good luck to you on creating your next LO.

[Steph152]

I agree that it is completely up to you, and that whatever spacing you end up with will work out. My son was a really colicky, high need baby. I would have been really scared to find I was pregnant when he was still so young and demanding, but nine months is a long time. Young children grow and change quickly. DS is 12 months old now, and if I had a newborn it would be tough but manageable. There are absolutely advantages and disadvantages to all spacings, and many of the challenges are the same regardless of how long you wait. No matter how old your first child is, a new sibling will always be a difficult adjustment. You'll have to divide your time and find a new normal no matter how long you wait. Just my 2 cents. It sounds like you've already decided not to decide, so good luck with whatever spacing you get!