Help - I'm about to ban my 4 year old from our family bed

[GracesMama]

I'm about to lose it....in fact I did early this morning when 4 1/2 year old DD insisted that she should get up at 3:45 am with Daddy (he had an early flight) and kept waking up my 2 year old DD. I feel horrible...I am normally a calm, fairly patient mama, but when it comes to someone waking up the "baby" I lose it and get angry, irrational. After countless attempts to get her to stop talking and yelling, I yelled, I even hit the wall, and now I feel like the worst mom ever

Anyway, this type of thing has been going on for awhile now and part of me wants to tell DD that she can't come to our bed anymore. She has been in her own bed since she was 3, always knowing that she could join us anytime. On average, she comes and gets in bed with us about 3 times a week, usually in the wee hours of the morning. She gets in bed, talks to us in a loud voice, tosses and turns, wakes up the 2 year old (who will not go back to sleep unless she nurses, and it's hard for me to go back to sleep while she is nursing) making me a very, very cranky mama in the morning.

Please help me. I want to find a solution that helps us all get the sleep we need, and at the same time meets DD's emotional needs. Also, does anyone else ever feel this angry? It's like something triggers a switch and I'm totally irrational. No one else triggers me like this except DD and my own mom...

[Maluhia]

Mama I've been known to get pretty frustrated at my own DD, you are not the only one who's made a parenting mistake and felt in the morning, later, awful about it.

Can you do some daytime talking about it all? Work with her on situation stories? Explain to her that if she wakes up the 2 year old she'll loose the privledge of coming into your room that a.m.?

[ProtoLawyer]

I don't think it's unreasonable to set co-sleeping limits with a four-year-old who's not using good (age-appropriate) co-sleeping manners. (Kind of like, if your 4-month-old cries and roots at the mall, you'd have no problem nursing him, but if your four-year-old starts yelling "I NEED NUMMIES!!!" and pawing at your shirt in the mall, you'd be more than justified in saying no and redirecting or leaving.)

As for the anger: Could you be pregnant? Quite abruptly, I became VERY irrational and insomniac about my 7-year-old stepdaughter's coming in at 3 a.m. and tossing and turning and kicking and sniffling. Turns out I was pregnant. If you're not, sleep deprivation gets used as torture in some countries--it can make us do a lot of things. It doesn't make me irrationally angry (just nauseous during pregnancy, and loopy and unable to string a coherent sentence together the rest of the time).

[lisalu100]

I know what you mean about the rage switch. I am normally very calm, NEVER yell, have never argued with boyfriends or husband etc, but lately, I've been pretty shocked with how quickly I'll snap when 6 mo DD is screaming and arching her back in my arms. I have to put her down and walk away. I've never felt so mad. I think it's sleep deprivation in my case...

[youngnhappymamma]

If the sleeping situation is not working for you anymore, feel free to change it!

My 4 year old dd still comes into our bed sometimes. I tell her, during the day, "I need you to sleep in your own bed" so she knows ahead of time that if/when she comes in to our room that night, I will direct her back to her own bed. Sometimes I don't mind if she sleeps on our floor next to our bed or something, but mostly when I need my space I have her go back to her bed. And she's fine. And we all sleep better!

[MCPM]

I am having the same problem, only the baby is only 3 weeks. But I just can't manage to get my four year old out of our bed - both beds are in one room. She comes over every night. Sending her back would entail mega tears...It was one thing when it was just her, but with the baby too it is too much.

[Path2Felicity]

Feel free to ignore my comment- I am only a mother of one 3 month old now.

But maybe your DD is acting this way because she wants your attention somehow? Or she feels neglected because the baby gets to sleep with you now and she doesn't always?

Would it help her if you slept close to her at her bedtime so she doesn't feel the need to come anymore in the wee hours of the morning? Or maybe if your husband can sleep with the baby for an hour or two, you can go with DD to her bed?

I just wonder how much of this is her expressing that she doesn't understand why the baby gets to sleep with you?

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by Path2Felicity

Feel free to ignore my comment- I am only a mother of one 3 month old now.

But maybe your DD is acting this way because she wants your attention somehow? Or she feels neglected because the baby gets to sleep with you now and she doesn't always?

Would it help her if you slept close to her at her bedtime so she doesn't feel the need to come anymore in the wee hours of the morning? Or maybe if your husband can sleep with the baby for an hour or two, you can go with DD to her bed?

I just wonder how much of this is her expressing that she doesn't understand why the baby gets to sleep with you?

I was thinking the exact same thing.

Could her little bed or mattress go in your room? My preschooler would have had a hard time with being in another room while DH, her sister and I shared a bed.