consequence for touching the lamp

[happy1nluv]

its an instant hot button issue for me...its a chandelier for petes sake... i see red and the kids (2, 4 but closer to 3,5) like to see the smoke come from my ears... they stand up on their chairs and touch it (it does have crystals on it that make rainbows, but come on...) i've tried everything from explaining why to agreeing to do it once and never again to... any ideas??? (i now think its a game -- it was easier when they couldnt open their belts on their booster seats)

[Jenne]

It sounds to me like they are after your reaction more than anything at this point. So...don't give them the reaction. They may do it a few more times to see if you really don't care but if you really don't care--ie no eye contact, no verbal response, no turning red...they will probably let it go because it won't be so amusing.

If it isn't a safety issue I'd just ignore the behavior. If it is a safety issue (standing on a booster seat for example) as soon as they stand up in the seat (hopefully before they actually touch the chandelier) I'd lift them up and put them down on the floor. No comment, no eye contact other than- we don't stand on chairs. Again though, I think it is an attention issue...it is really fun to push people's buttons!

Good luck!

Jenne

[chaoticzenmom]

Could you take off a few Crystals and let them play with the Crystal? Or get some crystals like the ones on your lamp for them to have?

When are they touching it? Is it just to make the rainbows? Are they swinging it around or anything? can you raise it higher? Maybe have the kids help clean it, so they can get to touch it and see how hard it is to clean.

I understand the anger though. I have a son who loves to scratch my candles and break the wicks. I love candles and to come up and see them all scratched up with no wick makes me see red. Now, I have my candles on a heater that melts them and that seems to work. He can play with them without destroying them.

[Baby_Cakes]

I 2nd the ignoring. When DD sits on the TV stand, she turns to me and smiles, waiting for me to say, "get down,". Instead, I just ignore her and walk out of the room. I used to always pick her up and say, "We don't climb the TV stand," but it was useless b/c she just kept going right back up with the same grin on her face. Now if I just leave the room she hops right back down like it's no fun.

[sapphire_chan]

As a last resort, take down the lamp and put it in the attic or basement until they're older and can be trusted to have a rainbow maker in the house.

First, though, I'd see if a bright flashlight can make rainbows around the room without the lamp moving.

[mum21andtwins]

move the lamp Its not worth getting angry about its not worth risking it getting damaged or the kids getting hurt. but then I say this about anything like that. I currently have a sofa a chair and a table in my living/diningroom and obviously their toys but thats it for stuff they an reach (mine are 4.5 and 2.5 twins)

[happy1nluv]

i should add its the chandelier hanging in our kitchen - lamp was probably the wrong term. it usually happens in between the time i tell them to sit down for a meal and being done... and i KNOW they want to see my reaction - but i cant seem to stop having a visible reaction. i used to just help them buckle into their seats and move on, but now they can both unbuckle and resume and i should probably get everything ready and then call them but it doesnt always work that well - esp when they're hungry and dogging my footsteps...

[youngnhappymamma]

if it were me, I would just make it about "no standing on our chairs" instead of about the chandelier. If they stood on their seat, they didn't get to sit in it or some other consequence you feel comfortable with. And, maybe they are too big for their boosters now and don't need them...can they reach the chandelier without a booster?

[Marsupialmom]

You can buy crystal and chandler things at Home Depot and Lowes. I would purchase some and then allow touching in safe situations.

[happy1nluv]

Here's a spinoff question... how do you teach your children to listen? Like, they stand on the chair and go to touch the chandelier - I tell them not to stand on the chair, sit down. They ignore me. I could have said don't hit, throw, etc... they don't listen at all! nic is almost FIVE and he still doesn't get it... WHY don't they get it? Shouldn't they have gotten it by now?

We've had a HORRIBLE afternoon... and they're now watching tv so I can calm down. I'm going to attempt the whole family meeting thing once I'm in a calmer place to talk about current behavior and how we can all change things for the better... but I'm not holding out real hope that anything is going to change... please tell me this is a phase and will pass... quickly!

[chaoticzenmom]

The ages that your kids are was the absolute worst for me. It doesn't last forever.

One thing I would probably do is to take away their chairs. If they can't treat them nicely, they're gone. Stand at the dinner table until you're willing to treat your chairs nicely. If they are disruptive at the table, they have to leave and can come back when they're willing to be respectful at the table.

You get them to listen by mustering up some energy. They know if you will get up and put the chairs away. They know if you're too tired to really make them stop what they're doing.

Also, you have to figure out if this is a need of theirs to satisfy the chandalier curiosity. If so, I like the flashlight idea. If they can't stop standing on the chairs, you take away the flashlight since it obviously didn't work.

I think at this stage, you just get through it. Every day is a challenge, then you start to notice it getting better and by 7 and 5, this will be a distant memory (hopefully!) IT was with my kids.

It could also be a need for attention. So, pull out a book, or give them a bath, or bake bread/cookies, etc. with them.

[youngnhappymamma]

the key, I think, is follow-through. If I ask my child to do something or not do something they know, for the most part, that I will follow-through with what I have asked them. For example, if I ask my child to pick up the half-eaten peice of food she just chucked on the floor because she didn't want it anymore and she ignores me, I will gently "help" her to pick it up and dispose of it properly. It's not really a punishment, it's that I mean what I say and I expect you to do what I ask. It's also about natural consequences. If my child won't stop throwing an object, the object simply gets put away...no screaming, scolding or yelling...the object is just gone for a time with a simple explanation of "when we throw it, it has to be put away" or something. In my experience, getting angry just adds fuel to the fire. Honestly, kids really don't care for the most part if you are angry or frustrated.

A few really great books are How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk and Positive Parenting.

[Anastasiya]

Personally, I think that if an almost 4 year old is standing on the chair to touch a chandelier that should not be touched, I'm not going to be rewarding that child with any crystal trinkets or "help me clean the chandelier" time.

The listening and disobedience is the issue for me, and that's what I would deal with.

In our family we'd use a time out, and if that didn't work I'd probably have them stand to eat their meals that day. "Standing on the chair is not allowed, so the consequence for standing on your chair is not getting a chair at all." That might be fun for some kids, though, so it would depend on the kid.

Originally Posted by happy1nluv

Here's a spinoff question... how do you teach your children to listen? Like, they stand on the chair and go to touch the chandelier - I tell them not to stand on the chair, sit down. They ignore me. I could have said don't hit, throw, etc... they don't listen at all! nic is almost FIVE and he still doesn't get it... WHY don't they get it? Shouldn't they have gotten it by now?

We're just consistent. You stand on the chair, you won't have a chair. You hit, you are removed from your siblings for a short time to a long time, depending on if it was your first offense or your third. You throw, you lose toys. You throw again, you are not allowed in the toyroom. You jump on the sofas, you cannot be on the sofas at all for awhile. You sass back and you will spend time in your room until you come up with a nicer way to tell Mommy what is was you wanted to say. (PS - all said kindly but very firmly, sans anger or yelling.)

Kids are exploring with their emotions and I don't deny them that, but I am trying to teach them that there are appropriate ways to express their anger/frustration, etc....

As for listening about other random unimportant things, like "Kiddo! Please take your shoes to your room now," and "Darling, time to brush teeth!" well, it's like in-one-ear-and-out-the-other most days.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

One thing I would probably do is to take away their chairs. If they can't treat them nicely, they're gone. Stand at the dinner table until you're willing to treat your chairs nicely. If they are disruptive at the table, they have to leave and can come back when they're willing to be respectful at the table.

Who are you? Me?

I thought I was the only genius with this idea!

[octobermom]

"Bums in the seat sit down please". I'd take the focus off the "lamp" and onto the safety of standing in chairs and boosters if they can't then they ned to have two feet on the floor and if that means we stand to eat then okay.

Deanna

[rainbowmoon]

Ignoring a behavior would NEVER work with my kiddos. (btdt! in fact it will escalate if I ignore it!)

I wouldn't let them even sit near it/ have the chairs, is what I'd do if they knew they weren't supposed to touch it and kept doing so.

My 5yo has done the ignoring my requests MANY times. I will remove him from the situation if I have to until he can listen. Simple as that.

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya

In our family we'd use a time out, and if that didn't work I'd probably have them stand to eat their meals that day. "Standing on the chair is not allowed, so the consequence for standing on your chair is not getting a chair at all." That might be fun for some kids, though, so it would depend on the kid.

Hey, if it is fun for the kids (assuming it doesn't create more misery for the parents), and it solves the problem of kids standing in the chair and fiddling with the crystals, it's win-win, right?

[rainbowmoon]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya

Personally, I think that if an almost 4 year old is standing on the chair to touch a chandelier that should not be touched, I'm not going to be rewarding that child with any crystal trinkets or "help me clean the chandelier" time.

my thoughts exactly.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by rainbowmoon

my thoughts exactly.

ditto

Deanna

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

Hey, if it is fun for the kids (assuming it doesn't create more misery for the parents), and it solves the problem of kids standing in the chair and fiddling with the crystals, it's win-win, right?

No, not for me, because that would mean when I gave the chairs back the next day, they'd repeat the behavior in order to get to stand for meals again. In other words, they'd disobey in order to be "punished" with something they enjoyed. Wouldn't fly in my house. But I'm a meanie!