dealing with an alcoholic ex

[muldey]

I'm at my wits end.My ex is homeless and an alcoholic.He comes here everyday,totally drunk,expecting me to let him in and stay the night.Numerous times I have called the cops to get him out,all they do is take him to the hospital,even when he's threatened me or tried to break in my basement.A restraining order is going to be very difficult to get,as there is no where to serve him.I'm pretty sure he lost his new job today.Right now it is snowing and I really need to shovel,but I can't go outside as I have no idea where he may be.I guess I could lock the door and bring my keys,since the kids are upstairs,but why should I have to do that?I'm afraid of him when he is like this.He never remembers what he's done.He won't go into treatment,and he just won't leave us alone.Moving is not an option.I have no money,and I live in my dad's apartment building,rent free.I have full custody,so that is not an issue.What can I do?

[muldey]

I just had to call the police again to have him removed.He was knocking so hard on my door I was afraid he was going to break it down.I am going for a restraining order tomorrow morning.In don't know what else to do.I am just so upset over this.

[Kiernan]

I'm very sorry. My ex was an alcoholic as well, and unfortunately his illness got the best of him and he passed away last October.

I think a restraining order is your best option. Do you have access to legal advice? A lawyer should be able to advise you as to the logistics of serving someone with no permanent address. It's very good that you have full custody and don't have to expose your children to his erratic behavior. But he should not be allowed to terrorize you like this.

It's awful to be dealing with this in someone who should be a co-parent. It's so unfair to you and to your kids.

[*MamaJen*]

My ex is an alcoholic too, though he's a lot more functional than your ex. I'm so sorry, it's awful. I hope the restraining order helps. And it goes without saying, never let him inside your door.
Have you checked out Al-anon? That might be a good emotional resource for you.

[PoppyMama]

I hope you can figure out a way to keep him away.

[Halfasianmomma]

Aside from a restraining order, I agree that Al-Anon is a good idea to get the support you need to get through this difficult situation.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Also, this is a site I completely love, especially the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

I would start documenting every single time he shows up intoxicated (with dates and times), and a brief description of what happens. This will come in handy when you speak to a lawyer. In the meantime, when you do have the r.o. is it possible to see if a bailiff would hang around your place and serve him when he shows up?

[muldey]

I did file a restraining order today.I have to call them if I get an address for him before my court date,which is the 23rd.Last night the cops actually arrested him,he was banging on my door so hard i thought he would break it down.I'm wondering if I did the right thing.His friend said I should be supporting him,but I've done that for 13 years and I just can't do it anymore.I've tried everything to get him into treatment.He just won't go.He has child support court on the 10th and he's afraid he is going to jail,as he hasn't paid in almost 2 years.I want to go and see if I can speak to the judge and get him into rehab instead.I wonder if that is even possible?

I'd love to go to Alanon.I can never find a babysitter though.I will check out that forum though,thanks!

[meandmine]

I just want to offer support. How heart-breaking for you and your children. You care for this poor soul, father to your children, and it must hurt to see him destroy himself and not be able to help and in fact have him damaging you and his chidlren with his behavior.

I am so sorry.

I am glad you have the RO and I hope he does avail himself of help.

Hugs!

M

[Halfasianmomma]

muldey...I just want to post for your the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't know them:

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

The last two are especially relevant to your situation, because you've got *other people* on your back telling you what you *should* be doing, etc etc. Please, stop listening to other people and start listening to YOURSELF. The reality is, you will never be able to control your Ex's drinking, nor will you ever be able to cure it FOR HIM. He has to make that decision himself, if and when he hits that rock bottom. He seems pretty close to it now, being homeless and whatnot, but sadly, some alcoholics never find recovery.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you seem like you're already on the right path. I totally think you did the right thing by getting the RO and setting your boundaries, i.e. you refuse to let him near you when he's intoxicated AND violent.

Regarding speaking to the judge...let me ask you this: do you think that if your ex is forced to go to rehab it'll change anything? Have your efforts in the last 13 years (talking, begging, pleading, bargaining, manipulating, etc) done anything to change him? This situation your ex is in is happening because HE CHOSE to drink and drink and drink. You were never there with a gun to his head MAKING him drink. Every time he cracked open a beer or took a swig of whatever, it was his choice. If he ends up in jail, it's a consequence of his poor choices. Once again, you cannot save him from his choices. Right now, the best thing for you to do is to step back, hands off the alkie, and focus on the most important person: YOU!

I know getting to Al-Anon with kids in tow is really tough, which is why I heartily recommend that forum. Also there are online Al-Anon meetings on this site (twice a day):
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
You just need java to see the chat application.

Finally, have you considered reading "Codependent No More"? It's an eye-opening read.

*hugs* You're doing so great! You're saving yourself before this "man" eats you whole!

[MissLotus]

What a scary situation! You are totally doing the right thing about the restraining order... I mean, what else are you supposed to do, live in fear forever?

It makes me REALLY mad that his friend says you should be "supporting him". Really? Does supporting him mean letting him terrorize you and your children, and be harrassed in your own home? That's beyond absurd. You do not need to be making excuses to anyone as to why you can't/won't put up with this behavior any more!

Do not hesitate to tell the judge the full extent of the harrassment... write it all down, do whatever it takes. The guy clearly has no boundaries - please do not take it easy on him.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

muldey...I just want to post for your the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't know them:

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

The last two are especially relevant to your situation, because you've got *other people* on your back telling you what you *should* be doing, etc etc. Please, stop listening to other people and start listening to YOURSELF. The reality is, you will never be able to control your Ex's drinking, nor will you ever be able to cure it FOR HIM. He has to make that decision himself, if and when he hits that rock bottom. He seems pretty close to it now, being homeless and whatnot, but sadly, some alcoholics never find recovery.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you seem like you're already on the right path. I totally think you did the right thing by getting the RO and setting your boundaries, i.e. you refuse to let him near you when he's intoxicated AND violent.

Regarding speaking to the judge...let me ask you this: do you think that if your ex is forced to go to rehab it'll change anything? Have your efforts in the last 13 years (talking, begging, pleading, bargaining, manipulating, etc) done anything to change him? This situation your ex is in is happening because HE CHOSE to drink and drink and drink. You were never there with a gun to his head MAKING him drink. Every time he cracked open a beer or took a swig of whatever, it was his choice. If he ends up in jail, it's a consequence of his poor choices. Once again, you cannot save him from his choices. Right now, the best thing for you to do is to step back, hands off the alkie, and focus on the most important person: YOU!

I know getting to Al-Anon with kids in tow is really tough, which is why I heartily recommend that forum. Also there are online Al-Anon meetings on this site (twice a day):
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
You just need java to see the chat application.

Finally, have you considered reading "Codependent No More"? It's an eye-opening read.

*hugs* You're doing so great! You're saving yourself before this "man" eats you whole!

You are one smart mama.

[Robyn79]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

muldey...I just want to post for your the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't know them:

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

The last two are especially relevant to your situation, because you've got *other people* on your back telling you what you *should* be doing, etc etc. Please, stop listening to other people and start listening to YOURSELF. The reality is, you will never be able to control your Ex's drinking, nor will you ever be able to cure it FOR HIM. He has to make that decision himself, if and when he hits that rock bottom. He seems pretty close to it now, being homeless and whatnot, but sadly, some alcoholics never find recovery.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you seem like you're already on the right path. I totally think you did the right thing by getting the RO and setting your boundaries, i.e. you refuse to let him near you when he's intoxicated AND violent.

Regarding speaking to the judge...let me ask you this: do you think that if your ex is forced to go to rehab it'll change anything? Have your efforts in the last 13 years (talking, begging, pleading, bargaining, manipulating, etc) done anything to change him? This situation your ex is in is happening because HE CHOSE to drink and drink and drink. You were never there with a gun to his head MAKING him drink. Every time he cracked open a beer or took a swig of whatever, it was his choice. If he ends up in jail, it's a consequence of his poor choices. Once again, you cannot save him from his choices. Right now, the best thing for you to do is to step back, hands off the alkie, and focus on the most important person: YOU!

I know getting to Al-Anon with kids in tow is really tough, which is why I heartily recommend that forum. Also there are online Al-Anon meetings on this site (twice a day):
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
You just need java to see the chat application.

Finally, have you considered reading "Codependent No More"? It's an eye-opening read.

*hugs* You're doing so great! You're saving yourself before this "man" eats you whole!

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

You are one smart mama.

You've gotten some great advice, but I have to ditto what Halfasianmomma said.

hugs to you mama.

[muldey]

Thanks everyone.I talked to my therapist yesterday and she agreed I did the right thing.I just can't help doubting myself,yk?I just can't take the abuse anymore.The problem is now,how do I let him see the kids if he's sober?They want to see daddy.He promissed yesterday to walk dd home from school,says he missed her and everything and he was sober.He never showed up!!Thankfully a friend was there and gave her a ride home.He at least didn't get drunk,he fell asleep.I am unbeleivably pissed at him right now.I know I can never trust him again,even sober.

He did get arrested the other night when my mom called the police on him.Something about refusing to move.They released him,but they weren't supposed to.He went to court yesterday and that is what they told him.He actaully had the NERVE to ask me if I had any money for the court costs.This was over the phone,I was trying to set up something with him to see the kids.He never showed at the time he was supposed to,said he did and was knocking on my door but none of us heard him.My mom can hear someone at my door from her apartment,and she says she neard nothing too.I was going to go down to my mom's while he was here.but since I can't trust him this is no longer an option.I think Ill have my dad take them somewhere this weekend with him,that way I know it's supervised.


I'm just so hurt.How can he choose the alcohol over us,again and again?I know it's the addiction,but it just hurts so much.I'm ordering dd and ds some books on amazon about addiction in parents.I just want them to know it's not their fault in any way.I feel so bad that they have to go through this.


As for talking to the judge about forcing him into rehab,I don't know if that's the answer.I just don't feel jail is,yk?I'm torn on this one.On one hand I'd like him to go to jail.I want him to learn this behavior(and not paying child support) is unacceptable.On the other,rehab may actaully help him,where as jail may not.It may make him more angry and as soon as he gets out of jail he'd just go and drink more.I really don't know what I'm going to do about this yet.

I need to start healing from this.I can't even cry.I'm so depressed though.13 years,and it's over.I tried my hardest with him,but it's him who has to want to do something.I just feel he never cared enough about us.

[Halfasianmomma]

hi mama...

Regarding letting him see the kids when sober, I believe you are notwithin your rights to deny him visitation if it's his set time to see the children. HOWEVER he is choosing to miss his visits for whatever reason, so you should be documenting this (with dates, times and a description of events). Perhaps this is an opportunity to ask for supervised visitation or to limit his visitation. I'm sure other more experienced mamas can chime in here.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the Booze Police, which is the sad part about coparenting with an alcoholic ex-spouse. I think that if it were a drug addiction issue, it would be easier, since drugs are illegal, whereas alcohol walks that fine socially acceptable line.

Have I mentioned starting a journal of events? His arrests, his missed visitatons, whatever threats he might make...you need to document all this. It's time to protect yourself and your children.

Regarding him choosing alcohol over you, all I can say is that he has a disease and that it is progressive. That doesn't excuse ANYTHING, but it's an explanation. It also means you cannot think that you aren't "good enough" for him to give up the booze. Nothing you can do, say, or be will stop him from his addiction. It's not about your worth as a person or a spouse; he is addicted and will do anything to continue feeding that addiction, perhaps until he's dead--who knows.

Fantastic idea about the books for your children. Keep the dialogue open. Talk to some ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and you'll see that a lot of them wish that they could have talked about the giant elephant everyone knew was in the room.

Regarding jail...again, what he learns and doesn't learn isn't under your control. You aren't that powerful! He's going to do what he's going to do, and think/feel/say what he's going to think/feel/say. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change that. I know it SO. DARN. HARD. to keep your hands off the alcoholic, to stop trying to interfere/meddle/help and to refocus on yourself, but this is exactly what you need to do. Let the judge make his own decision.

I've been told many many times by my good friends in Al-Anon: when in doubt, do nothing. If you're unsure about the judge/jail situation, do nothing, see how it plays out, let god/your higher power/the universe take care of things.

You KNOW it's time to focus on you. You can feel the need to take care of yourself, for yourself and for your children. As hurtful and difficult as this situation is, it sounds like it's a gift, an opportunity for you to get this toxic man out of your life so you can rediscover your relationship with yourself.

[muldey]

Thanks so much Halfasianmomma.I've decided to try alanon.My best friend is going to babysit for me and give me a ride. I also rejoined that forum,I didn't realize I already had a user name until I entered my email address.The last time I visited was in 2005!I forgot all about it.

Tonight he got drunk again.The friend where he is staying called me to see if he could sleep here.Uh,NO.She said she doesn't want him around her kids,and I can't blame her one bit.I told her she could send him here,I would just call the cops and have him put in jail for the night.I don't know what happened,he never showed up here.

I've decided not to go to court for the child support on the 10th.I was told i no longer have to go as it's the state against him right now.I'm just going to let what happens happen.If he goes to jail,well that's his own fault.You're right,I can't control it and I'm not going to try.I have a feeling he won't go anyway,so they'll be a warrant out for him.The only thing i am going to do is call the restraining order office and let them know he's going to court on that date,maybe they can serve him there if he shows up.

I'm going to go do something for me(dye my hair) and check out that forum.Thanks again.

[jessimonster]

When I left my alcoholic ex, Al Anon helped me. So did the Codependent no more series by Melanie Beattie. I highly recommend them.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing to me. He may be able to get the help he needs in prison, actually. I have an uncle who got clean in prison. He was sober for twelve years. Then he started drinking again and he died ... but he had twelve good years.

Most addicts never change. Its not that it's impossible, its just really, really rare. Like having a uterine rupture when you have no prior trauma to your uterus and you weren't induced with anything. Its like, one in a million.

You have to do what's best for you and your children. You are not responsible for the choices he makes in life. He has a disease, yes, but its not like there is no treatment out there for him. Treatment abounds, and a good portion of it is totally free. He chooses not to get help, and he has to live with the consequences of his choices.

Depending on your kid's ages, they might benefit from children's alanon. If they are very young, you might be able to bring them with. It can be hard to find meetings though, I understand. If you were in the Denver area, I'd be willing to baby sit for you.