He's turning into the Playgroup bully!

[LadyCatherine185]

Lately DS (17.5 mo) has started some "aggressive" behavior towards other kids his age. He hits, pushes, slaps in the face, takes toys away yelling "SHARE!" etc. We practice GD with him, so he isn't acting on what he has been shown. DH and I don't hit him, or yell at him, or anything like that. Is this normal toddler behavior?

I am already the 'outcast' of the group, being AP, still nursing/cosleeping, and most of the other parents are very strict disciplinarians, using spanking/timeout etc with their 1-2 year olds.

Right now, my discipline strategy has been redirecting/distraction and modeling correct behavior. For example, if he hits me or DH, I take his hand and say "No hitting. We use gentle touches" and physically show him a gentle touch.

How can I handle this behavior in a way that shows him it is wrong to hit others, while still practicing gentle discipline? How should I handle it in a group setting with other very Non-AP/GD parents?

Thanks Mamas!

[elmh23]

It's normal.

What we would do is basically what you're doing. If they did it several times in a row (and they did), then we'd say "Well you're having a hard time being gentle, how about you sit with mama for a little bit" and then hold them on our laps. Kind of like a time out with mama.

I don't know if it really did anything. It's mostly a stage that has to be outgrown.

[mama2cal&darby]

I agree with pp. Lot's of "Gentle hands!", redirecting and then they grow out it. Don't wory, there is no need to think your LO will really become the school yard bully.

[scottishmommy]

My 14 month old is like this. It's really embarassing and distressing. I sometimes wonder if it's really all that important for her to socialize with other kids her age or younger. She's GREAT with older children, but she picks on babies. I may just stop hanging out with other moms with babies. At this point it seems like more work than play!

[BetsyNY]

Please don't call your son a bully. He's a baby; he doesn't know what bullying is.

It is a phase. He will outgrow it. What does gentle discipline have to do with anything? So the other moms slap their kids if they hit?

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

Please don't call your son a bully. He's a baby; he doesn't know what bullying is.

It is a phase. He will outgrow it. What does gentle discipline have to do with anything? So the other moms slap their kids if they hit?

my question was how to "solve" this in a group setting with non-GD practicing parents.. those are the kids he is hitting. And the other moms slap/timeout their kids for lots of things. I asked how I could discipline this behavior. I can't simply ignore the fact that my child is hitting/pushing other kids.

As for the "bully" remark, i said he was turning into a bully. And it was a joke.

[mama2cal&darby]

One thing I have learned with my kids is that there is rarely some silver bullet solution to behavioural problems- GD or otherwise. Like I said before, when my DS2 was this age I would say and demonstrate *gentle hands*, distract (the main GD solution at this age, IMO) or remove him if necessary. He outgrew it. My actions would be the same no matter who was around (GD believers or not).
It is not your GD-ness that has made him agressive, though I assume from your question that you assume your friends think it is. If you are really uncomfortable, or the problem gets really worse, I would take a break from playgroups for awhile.
I had a friend who had to take a break while her DS1 was going through a pretty intense aggressive stage (I think he was around 2.5YO). She just found it too difficult to monitor him all the time and other kids were getting hurt, so she dropped out for a few months. He's now a lovely 5YO and not at all a hitter or bully, though he is a very physical fellow.
Good luck.

[BetsyNY]

My point is that he's a baby. The "B" word gets thrown around way too much for my comfort.

If the other moms are slapping their kids or putting them in TO for hitting, then there are other kids hitting, no? Tell him gentle hands, redirect him, or if it's really bad, just avoid the playgroup for a while and have one-on-one playdates. It sounds like that playgroup won't be sustainable long term for you anyway, if all the other moms are smacking their kids.

[nextcommercial]

He will outgrow this. Just try to shadow him for the time being, and take his hands away from others instantly. Then say "soft" or "Gentle". You don't need a lot of words, just one is enough. Try to use the same word each time.

Then pay attention to the child who was hit or pushed. Ask "are you OK?" and maybe touch the hurt part softly. Take your son somewhere else in the room to do something fun with him.

If he takes a toy from someone, gently take it back from your son, and give it back to the child and say "sorry" or "Here you go". Then pick your son up and go find something else fun. No words are necessary, just go have fun somewhere else.

If it's not working for him, he will move on to the next phase soon. You don't need to discipline him, just make sure it's not working for him either.

And, I understood that you aren't calling him a bully, but it feels like others think he is.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

He will outgrow this. Just try to shadow him for the time being, and take his hands away from others instantly. Then say "soft" or "Gentle". You don't need a lot of words, just one is enough. Try to use the same word each time.

Then pay attention to the child who was hit or pushed. Ask "are you OK?" and maybe touch the hurt part softly. Take your son somewhere else in the room to do something fun with him.

If he takes a toy from someone, gently take it back from your son, and give it back to the child and say "sorry" or "Here you go". Then pick your son up and go find something else fun. No words are necessary, just go have fun somewhere else.

If it's not working for him, he will move on to the next phase soon. You don't need to discipline him, just make sure it's not working for him either.

And, I understood that you aren't calling him a bully, but it feels like others think he is. THIS EXACTLY!

Thank you, this was extremely helpful.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

My point is that he's a baby. The "B" word gets thrown around way too much for my comfort.

If the other moms are slapping their kids or putting them in TO for hitting, then there are other kids hitting, no? Tell him gentle hands, redirect him, or if it's really bad, just avoid the playgroup for a while and have one-on-one playdates. It sounds like that playgroup won't be sustainable long term for you anyway, if all the other moms are smacking their kids.

no the other kids are not hitting. but they are being punished for other things like throwing toys, standing on chairs, etc.

the playgroup is made up of moms from my church, that we see every Sunday, and Liam is in the nursery with these kids every week.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by mama2cal&darby

One thing I have learned with my kids is that there is rarely some silver bullet solution to behavioural problems- GD or otherwise. Like I said before, when my DS2 was this age I would say and demonstrate *gentle hands*, distract (the main GD solution at this age, IMO) or remove him if necessary. He outgrew it. My actions would be the same no matter who was around (GD believers or not).
It is not your GD-ness that has made him agressive, though I assume from your question that you assume your friends think it is. If you are really uncomfortable, or the problem gets really worse, I would take a break from playgroups for awhile.
I had a friend who had to take a break while her DS1 was going through a pretty intense aggressive stage (I think he was around 2.5YO). She just found it too difficult to monitor him all the time and other kids were getting hurt, so she dropped out for a few months. He's now a lovely 5YO and not at all a hitter or bully, though he is a very physical fellow.
Good luck.

I wasn't looking for a "silver bullet" solution necessarily, just how I should handle the behavior in this type of setting. I was also wondering if it was a phase or something he will be prone to throughout his entire childhood. I let him be a kid for the most part, but when it crosses the line of hurting others, it isn't ok with me. And just telling him to "be gentle" and redirecting was not helping at all.

It is not your GD-ness that has made him agressive, though I assume from your question that you assume your friends think it is.

yes, exactly.

FWIW, we had playgroup this morning, and I did my usual "gentle hands" and moved him away from the child, but when it got out of hand we took a "time-out" together in the other room. I held him on my lap and talked to him about being gentle and nice to our friends, etc. It actually really helped.

[nhoutdoormama]

I wonder if your son is becoming over stimulated in the playgroup and if some regular breaks in play for some quiet time with Mama may help him feel more calm overall. I know how hard it can be to feel like your child is acting more aggressively than you would like. We have had this experience, as well, and found that our son was becoming overstimulated and could not be his best self when in certain environments. Especially before he could express his stress more appropriately with language. We always tried to pair language with his emotions, we still do, and this has helped greatly over time. We've also learned that we need to be sensitive to his sensitivity. All of this has become much easier as he has gotten older! Good luck!

[mamazee]

For a short while with my older dd, I had to hover over here continually in situations like that to protect other children from her. She was in a phase mainly of pushing, but there was also some hitting. I'm not sure if it was aggression or just an attempt to interact, as some of the kids were kids she liked. I kept right over her and physically stopped her from hurting anyone and said "be gentle" every time. I don't remember exactly how long it took for her to get past that, but it seems like it was a really short phase.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

My 14 month old is like this. It's really embarassing and distressing. I sometimes wonder if it's really all that important for her to socialize with other kids her age or younger. She's GREAT with older children, but she picks on babies. I may just stop hanging out with other moms with babies. At this point it seems like more work than play!

You know, I've found this to be true. DS (21 1/2 mos) LOVES to follow 3-4 year-olds around. They're close enough in size/interest to be entertaining (and they generally find him to be a fun toy to play with ), but having a bunch of kids the same age always seems to cause problems. They have the same quirks.

Plus, bigger kids are harder for them to snatch toys from.

[Marsupialmom]

Leave sooner!

Let him know expected behavior.

Make sure he is well feed.

Leave before he gets bad.

This is really a phase, they do pass. Try one on one play time. Were you can focus on calm, gentle, directing, behavior while giving him the words he needs.